When I'm running, lets say...up a very huge flight of steps...I start to get winded. I don't think I get winded from the exertion, I think its from looking up at how far I have to go. My shortness of breath kicks in when I look up. I find when I run but look down, concentrating on each single step, I can last longer and don't get as winded so quickly.
I guess life is sort of like that. Lately, I've been getting emotionally winded by my job. The pay is decent, the benefits are pretty good, I like most of my co-workers. I have an excellent supervisor and I'm not just saying that because this is a public blog. However over the past month and a half I've had a piss poor attitude the second I walk through the door. As Sunday comes to a close, a feeling of dread and disappointment crashes over me like a tidal wave. "I have to go to work tomorrow," I think.
When I wake up in the morning, I do a mental check to see if anything hurts or if I am physically ill so I can call out sick. I just went on vacation in August, I shouldn't feel like that.
Or should I....I work late at least two nights a week...a pattern that I've been told will not change. I've been sharing an office for 3 years, the past few months with another full time employee and we share a computer and a phone. I've been putting up with a lot of other people's crap and feel hopeless and helpless because I can't professionally direct my grievances to someone in a productive manner. I serve on almost every committee we have at work. I run very successful programs. I'm a "yes ma'am" in that when you ask me to do something, I'm 95% likely to do it. But I feel stuck. I feel I've got nowhere to move but from my office chair to the one on the other side of the desk so my office mate can use the computer.
My patience for everyday annoyances has run thin too. I find myself trying not to get into physical altercations with people on the street who test my once ever abundant patience. I used to politely decline persistent panhandlers. Now if they touch me, badger me or aggressively try to get me to give them money, it takes every ounce of Jesus in me to not punch them square in the jaw.
I didn't always use to feel so violent and angry. As of this Monday, I felt that my personal life and academic life were in check, but my professor gave me some harsh critiques on what I thought to be, an excellent audio slideshow project. After that happened, I started to associate my negative feelings towards school too. I thought "well if I can't even create an audio slideshow to my professor's professional standards, should I even be in this program?"
I'm not going to quit my job. I'm not going to drop out of school. But something has to change. It used to take a whole lot of stuff to get me angry. Now I can curse out inanimate objects just for being knocked over by my aggressive behavior.
I need to focus on the stairs. Focus on each day and not look at the long and painful month ahead. I need to find if there is any opportunity for change and cling to that hope. I need to get over myself.
I may also need good anger management classes.
Until next time...
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