Skip to main content

The Tornado Inside of Me



First let me start this post by saying "no, I am not depressed right now and my life has not fallen to shit." I'm serious. Life is decent and I'm in an ok mood right now. The dark and scary tornado picture is sort of what is going on inside of me right now. Or at least inside of my head. As you can see, the tornado doesn't actually touch ground. It kind of just hovers above the Earth.


So why the dramatic photo? Well, I'm all mixed up inside. I'm plagued by nostalgia which makes me miss certain people and certain places. I feel like I'm on the brink of some sort of creative outpouring. This brinkish feeling is easy to describe. I feel like I'm about to burst with some great writing or creative idea to make the world a better place. I'm going to EXPLODE with thoughts, passions, love, hate, life what have you. The only problem is that I also feel like a stopped up drain or a geyser that can't burst. Brink or no brink, I find I can't explode with expression. Something is blocking that explosion and I have no idea what it is.


In addition to the feeling of needed to burst with creative expression I feel tired. Yes, despite being on edge I also feel weary. I know I need to recharge and re-evaluate certain aspects of my life. I'm always creating "new beginnings" for myself. This is when I feel I'm back on track and start living my life in a positive way. Right now I'm in a rut. I do not have the energy or motivation to get the daily mundane tasks done. I haven't been to the gym in a week and a half (this is due in part to the snow). I think I'm eating healthy but I'm not sure. I made a list of things I had accomplished so far this year and a list of things I need to accomplish. So, in theory, i should be working on accomplishing those things, right? Nope. I would rather rest, do mindless tasks, listen to music and be nostalgic and stopped up.


I suppose I'm out of sorts. Singles Awareness Day is coming up and I'm bound to be bitter. However, I know that no one I live with wants to put up with me feeling sorry for myself because I don't have a Valentine. So I know I have to strive to not let Vday bother me. I have to continue to think what other people want to hear and censor my thoughts/feelings that they don't want to hear. Does that make sense? I don't think so either.


So I'm sort of unsettled but I'm not sad or depressed. I'm just in tumult. I'm lacking energy and the key that unlocks that door of creative outburst. For all I know, it could be pent up emotions that need to explode in the form of laughter that makes your stomach hurt or tears that give you a headache. Maybe there is nothing creative about the blockage at all.
Cryptic yes. However I found this exercise helpful.
Until next time....

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

You are Destined for Greatness

I pondered the idea of writing "You are Destined for Greatness" and taping it to my bathroom mirror. It sounds like an incredibly cheesy idea straight out of a self-help book, but I thought it was worth trying. Upon further relfection of this idea, I realized it would fail. Not because I would laugh at that statement daily, but rather, I take 100 degree showers. So the ink would run and the paper would crinkle. Plus, I need the whole mirror to examine myself in the morning anyway.

What is greatness? Is it the attribute of world leaders and life changers, or is it a quality in which we can all possess? Is greatness a thing we strive for? Does the prospect of greatness motivate us?

I think it may motivate me. In high school, countless people told me "Mary Anna, you are going places." "Mary Anna, you're going to do big things." "Mary Anna, you're going to be somebody big someday." I'm trying to capture some of that high school MAness …

7 Days Down...23 to Go #Whole30

I survived my first week of #Whole30 with only 3 minor cheats (all accidental). The first, I mentioned in a previous post was the Starbucks coconut milk that is not compliant. Didn't know, wasn't that much milk, everything is fine. The second cheat occurred when I went out to eat with my friend David. I got steak and eggs for dinner, a compliant meal with a side of sauteed mushrooms. The mushrooms are typically compliant except when they are sauteed in garlic and butter. Butter is a no no. So to my horror, my delicious mushrooms were drenched in butter. I literally blotted each mushroom on a napkin before eating it. 

The third and final cheat was a oversight cheat. I ordered a Cobb salad for lunch yesterday with my friend. I can eat all the things in the Cobb, granted I should have asked about where the bacon came from/how it was prepared and read the menu better. I said no to dressing which was fine but I failed to notice the delicious salad comes with crumbles of cheese! Not …

Holy Shit, August.

This month seems nothing short of incredibly. I mean, seriously. It may have been the best month of my life and that is no exaggeration. Let's recap:

August 6
On August 6th my best friend David and I went to see Phillip Phillips and Goo Goo Dolls in concert at Festival Pier. We got there early but a line had formed all the way to Dave and Busters. I thought for sure we'd be stuck in the back of the concert crowd but upon entering the venue I learned that only two full rows had formed (it was GA). I snagged us a spot in row 3/4 a little to the right of the stage. It was perfect. We're going to make it a point to go see them every year. Such a fun concert! 

August 12
I bought tickets months ago but didn't have any friends available for this magical weekend. It was a party bus day trip to Atlantic City. Within the first 20 minutes of the bus ride I had made some friends. I knew the hostess but that was it. Unfortunately after some imbibing I found I was way more interested in…