Holy mother of exhaustion. The car crash nightmares. The feeling of chronic fatigue even after 8 hours of sleep. The trance-like disassociation I experienced. It felt like I was out of my body and watching it. I'd go to the grocery store and aimlessly wander the aisles like someone on a drug trip, not sure of my goal and overwhelmed how to achieve it. The simplest tasks were gargantuan. I'd sit on the bus and just pray to close my eyes and open them and be home without the effort. Eating was tiring. Everything hurt.
This is how the past week has been. Things are a little better, as I'm now just a tad groggy instead of full out depleted every day. The nightmares are taking a break. In fact, two nights ago I dreamt of Kate Middleton and reconciling with an old friend. Good dreams. The upswing started after I spent 45 minutes curled in a ball at the foot of my bed with the window open, just listening to the noises outside and concentrating on my breathing.
I've never been this bad.
My comprehensive exams are next week and its funny....I'm not even worried. I'm just going to knock them out, try my best and enjoy the 6 whole days I will have to just focus on journalism and journalism alone. No work, no chores, probably some exercise so I don't go crazy. But overall, just eating, sleeping and doing journalism projects. I'm excited! That seems like a break for me! Also, I enjoy journalism so much I'm bound to love composing my projects. I'm not nervous or dreading it. I'm ready.
But I'm exhausted. Work is taking it's toll on me. We keep getting new clients ever day. That means children need to be assessed and enrolled in our childcare on top of the myriad of meetings, committees and other work obligations which are expected of me. We just did a timeline of a client's journey from before they reach us to move out and after care. Many of their stepping stones and program opportunities are made possible by ME. After hearing my name so many times, it makes sense why I am so tired all the time.
Then comes the anxiety. The nightmares. The sleep which seems pointless. The anxiety over being tired. The anxiety over being anxious. It all sort of collides together. I'm lucky I didn't have a breakdown. I'm lucky I made minor changes to find some solace in the chaos.
Today I'm tired but almost relieved. I have one more day of work (Monday) before my comps break. I'm spending the weekend running a 5K, doing laundry, reading for comps and preparing for the week ahead. I've designated my dining room table to be my "comps command center" and house all the materials I need for these exams.
Breathe. Stretch. Shake. Let It Go.
Until next time...