Friday, November 21, 2014

Open Letter

Dear Whoever,

I curse like a sailor and I have no inclination to stop. I'm pretty good at putting on the censorship around children and most of the elderly...but I have been known to curse in front of nuns and my parents. That being said, it isn't because I am not intelligent or my vocabulary lacks the large and smart appropriate words. It is because cursing, in context, feels good. I feel a release of tension when the words roll off my tongue. I like it. My words are typically in context. I curse in my texts too. I'm sorry if this makes me unladylike. I'm pretty sure my parents are disappointed but have reached the point where they've given up on me in respect to this issue.

I hate wearing heels. I seriously would rather tromp around barefoot in mud than wear heels. I can do a kitten heel (1-2") and a chunky heel (found on most boots) but that is about it. I am usually in flats, sneakers, boots or ballet flats. I'm pretty sure my inability to wear heels has caused my plantar fascitis. I'm losing the arch in my foot because of my love for flatness. I also prefer to be barefoot. I think this may have something to do with the fact that growing up, my mother forbade me from being barefoot in the house. I must always have slippers or shoes on. As I grew up, I relished being barefoot and enjoy it, though I do wear socks around in the winter. Anyway, back to the heels. I don't wear them and if I ever become famous that is going to be my "thing." The celebrity that refuses to wear heels. Designers will custom make heel-less shoes for me to wear on the red carpet.

I talk a lot about the future, specifically my future. I am one of the most determined, ambitious people you will ever meet. I take my life's calling seriously. I can ramble about journalism for hours on end. Please stop me if I ever get boring. I picture myself as a successful and prominent person in the future. This makes me appear to have a big ego and yes, I do. I am driven by achievement and love setting and making goals. I love praise, specifically academic or work praise. I thrive on it. Even though I have my Masters, I am still teaching myself new things. I take on little projects to continue to learn. I Google almost everything. I like to learn things. My career is one of the most important things in the world to me. Please accept that. I'm a girl with a dream and it is going to come true.

I keep a clean home but I am a slob. I survive in clutter and disorganization. I clean my apartment every weekend, so my living space is clean, bug-free and organized but my desk at work is another story. I typically can't eat a meal or drink a drink without wearing part of it. I'm a perpetual food-spiller. When I cook, I cook messy...think spaghetti sauce all over the stove. Hygienically, I am put together but sometimes I don't brush my hair enough. I'm took years for me to purchase fancy expensive GOOD makeup. If I wear anything white, bad things happen.

I am a bit of a control freak. Not in a way where I control others, but I like to be in control of my environment. To most people this makes me appear in charge and organized, but it is actually a form of control. I like to schedule. I like to plan. I have contingency plans to my contingency plans. I can be spontaneous and go with the flow but I will get irritated if the plan I planned doesn't look something like what happens. It is weird. I also try to control my future emotions or reaction to potential transitions by imagining the transition is taking place. For example, if I think I might move in a few months, I start adapting to how I'd feel about it now, what I would do, where I would grocery shop, how much things cost. It goes beyond simple planning for the future. I like to figure out how I'm going to feel about something before it actually happens. Its a control thing. You will see evidence of my obsessive need for control when I frequently run down itinerary like "first we'll do this, then this, then go there" several times a day.

I'm insanely stubborn. I hate being wrong but I will eventually admit to being wrong when I am. The control thing is part of my stubbornness. When I get fixated on something, I will stubbornly continue to attempt to achieve it or try it. I'm frequently late to everything but I stubbornly believe that even though I left the house 10 minutes later than I was supposed to, I will still be reasonably on time for a particular function.

I don't mind trying new things, especially food, but I am a creature of habit. You have to literally extract me from my habit zone and take me somewhere new where they serve new things. If you don't, we will continue to eat at the same four restaurants I adore and order the same four dishes I always do. I rarely get tired of ordering the same thing (Every time I take anyone to this one restaurant by my work I always order the same thing. Always). I will try frog legs or eel soup, happily, I am also content with my favorite foods such as wings, pizza, sushi, and Chinese.

When I do not get enough sleep, I actually feel like I am dying. When running on a significant sleep deficit, I will try to rationalize the four hours I got as good hours, and attempt to convince myself I am not as tired as I actually am. The truth is, lack of sleep makes me feel less of a person. I feel sick, my nose runs, my stomach hurts and I am worn down. I will complain about how close to death I feel. Yes, I'm not dying. Yes, I exaggerate often, but take my need for sleep seriously. I'm stubborn about the amount of hours vs. the level of energy I have.

I consider myself a sort of empath, in that I take in other people's feelings and feel them to some degree as well. I can instantly pick up on another's emotions and adapt in a way that makes them comfortable. This makes me non-confrontational. I avoid conflict. This makes me passive aggressive. I will eventually tell you what upset me or why it made me mad but it will be well after the initial incident. I just hate upsetting other people. I hate feeling other people's rejection. I avoid unpleasant feelings within myself and others at all costs. I'm getting better about dialoging concerns, but I still struggle with it.

I need my space. I haven't really ever been in a normal symbiotic relationship with someone. Sure, I've dated, had boyfriends, had relationships that last for months at a time...but none of them were ever quite normal. Plus there are the numerous relationships I've had with people I'm fond of in my head that never came to fruition. Can't forget those. That being said, I've become very accustomed to being independent. I do a lot of things on my own from going to movies to concerts to journaling in the park. I have friends and do stuff with them but not all the time. I've become very used to being by myself so if you ever think I'm becoming a hermit or wondering why I've withdrawn for a short period of time, its because I need to process social interactions. I'm a huge extrovert but that doesn't mean I love being surrounded by people 24/7. In fact, after bursts of social interaction I need a recharge period, alone. My independence has taught me how to be comfortable with just myself as well as how to fix things and take care of myself.

That covers most of it. I sometimes like to post idiosyncrasies. It gives people a better picture of who I am. Thought I'd be a bit more vulnerable in this one. I don't like to hold back.

Mary Anna

Until next time...

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