Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Partly Cloudy

I wrote a facebook life update about the past month or so. After reading it, I realized that it is so incredibly happy go lucky and positive that it is almost not realistic. While yes, I've been doing pretty well at work and at home and in life in general, but there have been some struggles too.

Yesterday I had to be at work at 8am because Stephen has to be in work early to help our nurses. I came into work not feeling my best and knowing it would be a very long day. I was right. I did a developmental assessment in the morning and ran around like crazy throughout the day. I even had a "working lunch" where I worked and ate at the same time. I went to a really long staff meeting and then had to get ready to teach my class about emotions at 4pm. It was 3:45 and for some reason I had it in my head that I would start teaching at 4:30. I played a game of solitaire to calm my nerves only to remember at 4:15 that my class was supposed to start at 4pm! So I rushed over, late, to start my class. It could have went a lot better... I'm wondering if I'm even cut out to work with kids.

I get off work after 9 straight hours (including my working lunch) to go to a casual mass with the sisters at the Mother House. Apparently its "tradition" and we're "required" to attend. If it were any other day I'd be more than happy to attend but today I was dead on my feet. I pulled almost 9 hours on Monday too. So we drive to the service and while it was casual and wonderful, I couldn't really get into it. So I'm worried about the lack of balance in my life. I've got work pretty much under control, I'm trying to take care of myself by working out so I can lose the weight and eating healthy, I'm trying to be available to my community and I'm trying to maintain a consistent spiritual life.

Despite my efforts I feel like my spiritual life is going down the tubes because I'm so self absorbed. My diet/exercise is working but my work outs 3 days a week pulls me away from the community. Monitoring what I eat every day is like a full time job. Have you ever been consciously aware of everything you put into your mouth??? Its exhausting. I used to just eat and not care. Now I have to monitor calorie counts, carbs, fat intake, sugar intake, and drink a lot of water. I feel like I have work under control but this week has been crazy and I'm just so exhausted when I get home I want to go to bed early. Lack of balance. Where is God in my work? Why am I so self absorbed? Additionally I use a self-defeatist attitude in order to motivate myself to exercise. Instead of a positive approach like "this is great for my body, I'm being healthy." I say to myself "no one will even consider you attractive until you lose this weight. Right now you are an invisible blob that any decent guy would overlook in a second." Horrible, I know. Despite my negative approach, it really does push me to continue my diet and exercise and feel good about it. This is the longest I have ever stuck to a diet/exercise routine. I'm coming up on week 3. I'm at a standstill with a 6lb loss. My scale lies to me each morning saying I've lost 8-12lbs and then at night tells me I'm back up to where I started. Its all relative, I shouldn't weight myself daily, its water weight...etc. I know all this but I need to see progress in order to believe it is working. If I don't see any progress I will give up and just accept a permanent single fat lifestyle.

I also feel like I'm on the brink of some huge discovery or life changing event that is positive. Have you ever gotten the feeling that something is going to happen and you just don't know when? I feel that way now even if its just some kind of emotional bullshit. My emotions are pretty maxed out right now. My hormones are out of whack and my mind is racing with new discoveries and nostalgia for old ones. Additionally I'm still anxious about the future. I kind of qualify for Youth Advocate positions and I'm pretty sure I want to stay in the Philly area. I love living so close to a city and I really love working in the city. Yes, I don't need to worry about the future today but it is good to get the ball rolling.

So over all I'm exhausted emotionally, physically and it appears spiritually. I'm surviving, enjoying life, enjoying work even when it kicks my ass and wondering if life changing events and discoveries are in my future or if its just wishful thinking. The nostalgia is killing me, like a drill bit driving itself through my heart, but I'm working through it. My grandmother is back to 100% and my community is getting closer with each other every day. I even had a heart to heart with Stephen in the car this morning about relationships (which could explain my nostalgia). One really good thing is that the Phillies are still rocking the Post Season and I love living in the home city of my favorite baseball team. I have an unhealthy obsession with Shane Victorino but it just translate to a lot of support for him and the team. My room is starting to look like Fever Pitch Phillies style with enough Phillies newspaper clippings to make you think its a new wallpaper. I'm obsessed.

Until next time...

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