Thursday, October 1, 2009

Life Updates are Always Good

Life Updates are Always Good. My last post was one of self pity about halfway through September. Yes, I got news I had to lose 50lbs to not die. Well life got worse as the weeks went on. Two weeks ago my grandmother suffered a TIA, it is a mini stroke. She was mixing up her words and speaking nonsense. It scared the hell out of me. Saturday night I was having a friend over for a "girls night" with Connie at our house. I'm driving home from the grocery store and I call my mom to tell her about my super sweet bargains. My mom tries to work the news into the conversation but ultimately my dad interrupts and says "Mom Mom is in the hospital."

It takes everything in me not to pull a U-turn on the Pike and drive down to Cape May at that moment.

After they explained the situation to me about 100 times, I understood my grandmother was on the phone with my Aunt and started speaking gibberish. My Aunt and Uncles rushed to her house and called 911. She was put in the ER but released the same day. My mom was then scheduled to drive up to South Jersey on Sunday. It was really difficult but I eventually convinced my family to let me see my grandmother on Sunday as well. I was borrowing a GPS at the time and Connie and Stephen have their own cars if they needed to go anywhere. Originally my family did not want me to go. I'd be in the way, there was nothing I could do...etc. After persistence I managed to convince my mom that yes, I was going to see my grandmother on Sunday because she might not know who I am next week. Connie and Stephen decided to accompany me on this journey so we drove 2 hours to South Jersey on a Sunday afternoon for a 40 min visit with my grandmother. Then we drove 2 hours back. I have good friends.

Seeing her was hard but I felt so much better. My mom planned to stay with her during the week and the family had to figure out arrangements for her if necessary. It was crazy. Then it gets worse. By Weds I noticed that I had 7 active cysts with 1 draining. I began to get concerned so I went to the doctor. The doctor gave me an appointment for the same day. This was good and bad. It was good because I didn't have to wait until mid October but it was bad because it was scheduled during community night, the one night a week that we're all supposed to eat and do an activity together. Plus having a dr appt scheduled for the same day you call makes it seem like an emergency so I had to explain why I was going to the doctor to all my community members.

I have a condition that causes lesions not cysts. It is kind of a side condition of PCOS which I also have. The doctor prescribed weight loss. No, not medicine. Weight loss. I was told the symptoms would virtually disappear if I lost weight. I had to start by eating right and work up to exercise since sweat would irritate the lesions. She also ordered some kind of iodine based scrub to keep the lesions clean.

Weight loss. Are you effing kidding me? No pills to help a diet..nothing. I was told to limit dairy and cut carbs as much as possible. I'm a bread eating fiend so this was like the worst life sentence one could ask for.

After all of that I was overwhelmed and depressed. I didn't have time to exercise. I paid $20 to have a Dr tell me to lose weight which is what all health care officials seem to be telling me lately for various reasons. I fell into a serious slump. I began to hate life and work and everything. I was irritable because I felt I had to eat cardboard basically and nothing else. I felt ugly, unwanted and self pitied every day. Fat. Ugly. Loser.

This combined with the incident with my grandmother made me so tired I could barely function. That weekend I had to work the Sister's Oktoberfest ALL WEEKEND. We're talking 12pm-7pm Sat and 9:30am-7:30pm Sun. Sure we got free food, free beer and breaks but it was a lot of work. I just wanted to go to sleep! After an overwhelming week that was not what I needed. So I didn't get to recover this weekend.

On Monday (this past Monday) I finally made it to the gym. I ate dinner and skipped evening prayer so I could work out a little bit. After the gym I was so exhausted I just wanted to crash and never wake up. I felt good that I finally got to exercise but I was still tired from the past week and the weekend. That night I lit some candles and just prayed about all the shit in my life. From my lost name tag to my tiredness. I asked for strength and confidence in myself.

On Tuesday I woke up feeling slightly refreshed. A co-worker found my nametag in a closet I was working in. I began to become adjusted to my diet and learning that I could have cookies once and awhile. My body was still physically drained but my spirit was renewed at least. I was rewarded with the most unsuspecting surprise. FREE PHILLIES GAME TIX! Our friends from Mercy Volunteer Corps scored 3 free Phillies game tickets and gave them to me, Connie and Stephen! I found this out about halfway through the day. I was planning on going out to the store to get groceries since I had to cook Weds night. Well that plan was botched because Phillies trump everything.

I hurried to get my work done, raced home, changed into my Phillies gear, ate a quick sandwich and drove to the Mercy's to get the tickets. We had a great time. The Phills beat the Astros 7-4! I got my first baseball game beer and the hot dog was as good as ever. I even bought a $5 Nat League East Division Champs shirt from 08. The stadium gave us rally towels too. It was such a good night.

Exhausted on Weds, I woke up and went to work. I left at 4 so I could pick up the groceries and have dinner ready by 6pm. And that I did! I felt like a supermom or something. I was running on fumes but I had a delightful dinner ready all by myself. Pork chops, peas, asparagus, potatoes and cinnamon strudel for dessert. The game and prayer/reflection went well too. So A+ on leading my first community night. I ironed and de-linted my shirt, made my lunch, showered and was in bed by 10:30am.

I woke up early this morning with the hopes I could play a radio contest. The winner gets $100,000 and 2 Priuses. I couldn't get through but on my way to work I fantasized as to what I'd do with $100,000. I'd pay off my loans, give my parents a lot so we wouldn't have a mortgage anymore, pay off my bills, give some to my grandmother, then buy an Iphone, get my hair professionally colored and put the rest in savings so after a year I could get an apartment and have a car ready to go. that would ever happen. It was fun to daydream on the commute though.

So here I sit, running on E. I'm exhausted physically but my spirit is strong and my attitude is positive. I'm going to the gym directly after work today. Got the gym bag in the trunk. I'm being proactive with my weight loss plan. I'm constantly aware of what kinds of food goes into my mouth. I don't stalk calories but I try for health(ier) options whenever possible. My coworkers had McDonalds today and it almost killed me to smell it as I ate my peanut butter and fluff sandwich (which was a good treat), carrot sticks, sun chips and yogurt. I've been eating 45 cal a slice soft wheat bread and avoiding dairy for the most part. I don't eat biscuits or cookies or crackers as much. I avoid snack crackers and instead opt for fruit or veggies. I was told I could eat all the meat and vegs and fruit I want. I'm craving meat right now, haha. I think I'm going to make it though the week and I have a pretty restful weekend planned. I'm trying to get out to a club on Sat night to see Jason Derulo perform, but that may or may not happen. My grandmother has just about fully recovered. I feel great about myself as I strive for improvement. Life is beautiful.

Until next time...

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