Thursday, October 29, 2009

I Am My Own Punching Bag

I am my own punching bag. Apparently.

Work has been presenting me with some difficult situations that involve delegation and standing up for myself. There is this new program that some co-workers want me to start but they also expect me to run it too. I'm feeling stretched out sometimes like these people don't realize I am a full time volunteer. After one situation I spent the morning planning on how to defend myself from having to put in way more hours than I'm expected to. I did this instead of trying to find a solution to the problem which was: work with what you have and go from there. No, I'm too busy preparing a defense of how I'm not superwoman and instead I missed the most logical, practical, in your face solution. Additionally, I have spent all my time bitching about this new program instead of taking it for the team and trying to find the positive aspects of it. Therefore I come off as a bitchy, whiny maggot who crumbles under pressure and can't think for herself.

At least that is my self image. I have been told I beat myself up too much and my expectations for myself are so high that my stress is self induced. It is true. I noticed yesterday that I've gained 1 to 2 pounds. This could be due to the party I went to Saturday night where I drank a good amount and ate Philadelphia pizza at 3am. I was hard on myself for that too. I began scolding myself for letting myself go for a night. I have to really restrict my drinking when I go out. Its not a matter of getting drunk or stopping my alcohol intake. It all comes down to the calories. Alcohol is unnecessary calories. I began to continue me "no one will ever love you, you fat blob" mentality. Yes, self insulting is my motivation. I said before and I'll say it again, I can not lose weight for me. I'm pretty happy with the way I look and feel. I'm lazy about it too. But if my motivation is that I'm an invisible fat blob that guys accidentally bump into to get where they are going...then I'm motivated to work out and become visible and beautiful.

Unhealthy yes. Effective? yes. I'm my own punching bag. Yes.

Until next time...

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