Thursday, October 29, 2009

I Am My Own Punching Bag

I am my own punching bag. Apparently.

Work has been presenting me with some difficult situations that involve delegation and standing up for myself. There is this new program that some co-workers want me to start but they also expect me to run it too. I'm feeling stretched out sometimes like these people don't realize I am a full time volunteer. After one situation I spent the morning planning on how to defend myself from having to put in way more hours than I'm expected to. I did this instead of trying to find a solution to the problem which was: work with what you have and go from there. No, I'm too busy preparing a defense of how I'm not superwoman and instead I missed the most logical, practical, in your face solution. Additionally, I have spent all my time bitching about this new program instead of taking it for the team and trying to find the positive aspects of it. Therefore I come off as a bitchy, whiny maggot who crumbles under pressure and can't think for herself.

At least that is my self image. I have been told I beat myself up too much and my expectations for myself are so high that my stress is self induced. It is true. I noticed yesterday that I've gained 1 to 2 pounds. This could be due to the party I went to Saturday night where I drank a good amount and ate Philadelphia pizza at 3am. I was hard on myself for that too. I began scolding myself for letting myself go for a night. I have to really restrict my drinking when I go out. Its not a matter of getting drunk or stopping my alcohol intake. It all comes down to the calories. Alcohol is unnecessary calories. I began to continue me "no one will ever love you, you fat blob" mentality. Yes, self insulting is my motivation. I said before and I'll say it again, I can not lose weight for me. I'm pretty happy with the way I look and feel. I'm lazy about it too. But if my motivation is that I'm an invisible fat blob that guys accidentally bump into to get where they are going...then I'm motivated to work out and become visible and beautiful.

Unhealthy yes. Effective? yes. I'm my own punching bag. Yes.

Until next time...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Partly Cloudy

I wrote a facebook life update about the past month or so. After reading it, I realized that it is so incredibly happy go lucky and positive that it is almost not realistic. While yes, I've been doing pretty well at work and at home and in life in general, but there have been some struggles too.

Yesterday I had to be at work at 8am because Stephen has to be in work early to help our nurses. I came into work not feeling my best and knowing it would be a very long day. I was right. I did a developmental assessment in the morning and ran around like crazy throughout the day. I even had a "working lunch" where I worked and ate at the same time. I went to a really long staff meeting and then had to get ready to teach my class about emotions at 4pm. It was 3:45 and for some reason I had it in my head that I would start teaching at 4:30. I played a game of solitaire to calm my nerves only to remember at 4:15 that my class was supposed to start at 4pm! So I rushed over, late, to start my class. It could have went a lot better... I'm wondering if I'm even cut out to work with kids.

I get off work after 9 straight hours (including my working lunch) to go to a casual mass with the sisters at the Mother House. Apparently its "tradition" and we're "required" to attend. If it were any other day I'd be more than happy to attend but today I was dead on my feet. I pulled almost 9 hours on Monday too. So we drive to the service and while it was casual and wonderful, I couldn't really get into it. So I'm worried about the lack of balance in my life. I've got work pretty much under control, I'm trying to take care of myself by working out so I can lose the weight and eating healthy, I'm trying to be available to my community and I'm trying to maintain a consistent spiritual life.

Despite my efforts I feel like my spiritual life is going down the tubes because I'm so self absorbed. My diet/exercise is working but my work outs 3 days a week pulls me away from the community. Monitoring what I eat every day is like a full time job. Have you ever been consciously aware of everything you put into your mouth??? Its exhausting. I used to just eat and not care. Now I have to monitor calorie counts, carbs, fat intake, sugar intake, and drink a lot of water. I feel like I have work under control but this week has been crazy and I'm just so exhausted when I get home I want to go to bed early. Lack of balance. Where is God in my work? Why am I so self absorbed? Additionally I use a self-defeatist attitude in order to motivate myself to exercise. Instead of a positive approach like "this is great for my body, I'm being healthy." I say to myself "no one will even consider you attractive until you lose this weight. Right now you are an invisible blob that any decent guy would overlook in a second." Horrible, I know. Despite my negative approach, it really does push me to continue my diet and exercise and feel good about it. This is the longest I have ever stuck to a diet/exercise routine. I'm coming up on week 3. I'm at a standstill with a 6lb loss. My scale lies to me each morning saying I've lost 8-12lbs and then at night tells me I'm back up to where I started. Its all relative, I shouldn't weight myself daily, its water weight...etc. I know all this but I need to see progress in order to believe it is working. If I don't see any progress I will give up and just accept a permanent single fat lifestyle.

I also feel like I'm on the brink of some huge discovery or life changing event that is positive. Have you ever gotten the feeling that something is going to happen and you just don't know when? I feel that way now even if its just some kind of emotional bullshit. My emotions are pretty maxed out right now. My hormones are out of whack and my mind is racing with new discoveries and nostalgia for old ones. Additionally I'm still anxious about the future. I kind of qualify for Youth Advocate positions and I'm pretty sure I want to stay in the Philly area. I love living so close to a city and I really love working in the city. Yes, I don't need to worry about the future today but it is good to get the ball rolling.

So over all I'm exhausted emotionally, physically and it appears spiritually. I'm surviving, enjoying life, enjoying work even when it kicks my ass and wondering if life changing events and discoveries are in my future or if its just wishful thinking. The nostalgia is killing me, like a drill bit driving itself through my heart, but I'm working through it. My grandmother is back to 100% and my community is getting closer with each other every day. I even had a heart to heart with Stephen in the car this morning about relationships (which could explain my nostalgia). One really good thing is that the Phillies are still rocking the Post Season and I love living in the home city of my favorite baseball team. I have an unhealthy obsession with Shane Victorino but it just translate to a lot of support for him and the team. My room is starting to look like Fever Pitch Phillies style with enough Phillies newspaper clippings to make you think its a new wallpaper. I'm obsessed.

Until next time...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

5 lbs to Freedom

It has been 1.5 weeks since I started my diet. I have cut out just about all white breads, soda, most candies/cookies/sweets, and things that could be fattening. I have not become a counting calorie individual but rather a calorie aware individual. I'm trying to always be aware what is going into my mouth/stomach. I have learned the following:

I can't believe its not butter spread 50 cal and 50 cal from fat. IT IS ALL FAT! Stupid "healthy" butter.....

Mayonnaise...we know its not good for you...90 cal and its 90 cal from fat. IT IS ALL FAT TOO! So you might just as well spread a bottle of lard onto your sandwich.

You burn calories sitting, eating, showering, sleeping, talking and typing! Its not a lot, but yes, you do burn calories while doing these activities.

8 glasses of water a day goes a long way!

This is pretty much all I have learned the past week and a half. In good news, I have officially lost 5 lbs. According to the doctor, I have to lose 50lbs...well...45 more to go. If I could lose 5 lbs every two weeks I could lose the weight in 9 weeks!

Utopian thought.

Anyway I've been working out three days a week, watching what I eat, and trying not to feel guilty if I enjoy a spoon of ice cream or a square of chocolate. I hate how this is a lifestyle choice and a life sentence. I don't know if I have the energy to be calorie conscious..I mean aware...for the rest of my life. I'm pretty sure I've developed a disorder already. haha For example, I had two hot dogs today PLUS my lunch. My boss made everyone hot dogs to celebrate the post season opener for the Phillies today. I LOVE hot dogs. They are pretty much my fav food ever. So I had two, one with a bun and one without and then my little bagel sandwiches, carrot sticks, yogurt..etc. I'm regretting that second hot dog now. I am trying to figure out a good way I can work out to get rid of the extra calories!

That is borderline obsessed. See? I'm developing a disorder. A healthy one of course.

Until next time....

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Life Updates are Always Good

Life Updates are Always Good. My last post was one of self pity about halfway through September. Yes, I got news I had to lose 50lbs to not die. Well life got worse as the weeks went on. Two weeks ago my grandmother suffered a TIA, it is a mini stroke. She was mixing up her words and speaking nonsense. It scared the hell out of me. Saturday night I was having a friend over for a "girls night" with Connie at our house. I'm driving home from the grocery store and I call my mom to tell her about my super sweet bargains. My mom tries to work the news into the conversation but ultimately my dad interrupts and says "Mom Mom is in the hospital."

It takes everything in me not to pull a U-turn on the Pike and drive down to Cape May at that moment.

After they explained the situation to me about 100 times, I understood my grandmother was on the phone with my Aunt and started speaking gibberish. My Aunt and Uncles rushed to her house and called 911. She was put in the ER but released the same day. My mom was then scheduled to drive up to South Jersey on Sunday. It was really difficult but I eventually convinced my family to let me see my grandmother on Sunday as well. I was borrowing a GPS at the time and Connie and Stephen have their own cars if they needed to go anywhere. Originally my family did not want me to go. I'd be in the way, there was nothing I could do...etc. After persistence I managed to convince my mom that yes, I was going to see my grandmother on Sunday because she might not know who I am next week. Connie and Stephen decided to accompany me on this journey so we drove 2 hours to South Jersey on a Sunday afternoon for a 40 min visit with my grandmother. Then we drove 2 hours back. I have good friends.

Seeing her was hard but I felt so much better. My mom planned to stay with her during the week and the family had to figure out arrangements for her if necessary. It was crazy. Then it gets worse. By Weds I noticed that I had 7 active cysts with 1 draining. I began to get concerned so I went to the doctor. The doctor gave me an appointment for the same day. This was good and bad. It was good because I didn't have to wait until mid October but it was bad because it was scheduled during community night, the one night a week that we're all supposed to eat and do an activity together. Plus having a dr appt scheduled for the same day you call makes it seem like an emergency so I had to explain why I was going to the doctor to all my community members.

I have a condition that causes lesions not cysts. It is kind of a side condition of PCOS which I also have. The doctor prescribed weight loss. No, not medicine. Weight loss. I was told the symptoms would virtually disappear if I lost weight. I had to start by eating right and work up to exercise since sweat would irritate the lesions. She also ordered some kind of iodine based scrub to keep the lesions clean.

Weight loss. Are you effing kidding me? No pills to help a diet..nothing. I was told to limit dairy and cut carbs as much as possible. I'm a bread eating fiend so this was like the worst life sentence one could ask for.

After all of that I was overwhelmed and depressed. I didn't have time to exercise. I paid $20 to have a Dr tell me to lose weight which is what all health care officials seem to be telling me lately for various reasons. I fell into a serious slump. I began to hate life and work and everything. I was irritable because I felt I had to eat cardboard basically and nothing else. I felt ugly, unwanted and self pitied every day. Fat. Ugly. Loser.

This combined with the incident with my grandmother made me so tired I could barely function. That weekend I had to work the Sister's Oktoberfest ALL WEEKEND. We're talking 12pm-7pm Sat and 9:30am-7:30pm Sun. Sure we got free food, free beer and breaks but it was a lot of work. I just wanted to go to sleep! After an overwhelming week that was not what I needed. So I didn't get to recover this weekend.

On Monday (this past Monday) I finally made it to the gym. I ate dinner and skipped evening prayer so I could work out a little bit. After the gym I was so exhausted I just wanted to crash and never wake up. I felt good that I finally got to exercise but I was still tired from the past week and the weekend. That night I lit some candles and just prayed about all the shit in my life. From my lost name tag to my tiredness. I asked for strength and confidence in myself.

On Tuesday I woke up feeling slightly refreshed. A co-worker found my nametag in a closet I was working in. I began to become adjusted to my diet and learning that I could have cookies once and awhile. My body was still physically drained but my spirit was renewed at least. I was rewarded with the most unsuspecting surprise. FREE PHILLIES GAME TIX! Our friends from Mercy Volunteer Corps scored 3 free Phillies game tickets and gave them to me, Connie and Stephen! I found this out about halfway through the day. I was planning on going out to the store to get groceries since I had to cook Weds night. Well that plan was botched because Phillies trump everything.

I hurried to get my work done, raced home, changed into my Phillies gear, ate a quick sandwich and drove to the Mercy's to get the tickets. We had a great time. The Phills beat the Astros 7-4! I got my first baseball game beer and the hot dog was as good as ever. I even bought a $5 Nat League East Division Champs shirt from 08. The stadium gave us rally towels too. It was such a good night.

Exhausted on Weds, I woke up and went to work. I left at 4 so I could pick up the groceries and have dinner ready by 6pm. And that I did! I felt like a supermom or something. I was running on fumes but I had a delightful dinner ready all by myself. Pork chops, peas, asparagus, potatoes and cinnamon strudel for dessert. The game and prayer/reflection went well too. So A+ on leading my first community night. I ironed and de-linted my shirt, made my lunch, showered and was in bed by 10:30am.

I woke up early this morning with the hopes I could play a radio contest. The winner gets $100,000 and 2 Priuses. I couldn't get through but on my way to work I fantasized as to what I'd do with $100,000. I'd pay off my loans, give my parents a lot so we wouldn't have a mortgage anymore, pay off my bills, give some to my grandmother, then buy an Iphone, get my hair professionally colored and put the rest in savings so after a year I could get an apartment and have a car ready to go. that would ever happen. It was fun to daydream on the commute though.

So here I sit, running on E. I'm exhausted physically but my spirit is strong and my attitude is positive. I'm going to the gym directly after work today. Got the gym bag in the trunk. I'm being proactive with my weight loss plan. I'm constantly aware of what kinds of food goes into my mouth. I don't stalk calories but I try for health(ier) options whenever possible. My coworkers had McDonalds today and it almost killed me to smell it as I ate my peanut butter and fluff sandwich (which was a good treat), carrot sticks, sun chips and yogurt. I've been eating 45 cal a slice soft wheat bread and avoiding dairy for the most part. I don't eat biscuits or cookies or crackers as much. I avoid snack crackers and instead opt for fruit or veggies. I was told I could eat all the meat and vegs and fruit I want. I'm craving meat right now, haha. I think I'm going to make it though the week and I have a pretty restful weekend planned. I'm trying to get out to a club on Sat night to see Jason Derulo perform, but that may or may not happen. My grandmother has just about fully recovered. I feel great about myself as I strive for improvement. Life is beautiful.

Until next time...

What if I'm not a Writer?

I've mentioned this before. My first book I ever wrote was a few chapters long. Each page was a new chapter. I was in second or third ...