Friday, February 25, 2011

You are Destined for Greatness

I pondered the idea of writing "You are Destined for Greatness" and taping it to my bathroom mirror. It sounds like an incredibly cheesy idea straight out of a self-help book, but I thought it was worth trying. Upon further relfection of this idea, I realized it would fail. Not because I would laugh at that statement daily, but rather, I take 100 degree showers. So the ink would run and the paper would crinkle. Plus, I need the whole mirror to examine myself in the morning anyway.

What is greatness? Is it the attribute of world leaders and life changers, or is it a quality in which we can all possess? Is greatness a thing we strive for? Does the prospect of greatness motivate us?

I think it may motivate me. In high school, countless people told me "Mary Anna, you are going places." "Mary Anna, you're going to do big things." "Mary Anna, you're going to be somebody big someday." I'm trying to capture some of that high school MAness I had. Back in the day, I wasn't scared of anything. I felt I had nothing to lose. I wore confidence like a Coach purse and felt...powerful. Maybe it was all the potential people bestowed upon me. Maybe it was because I was president of my class for three years, prom queen, homecoming queen, president of the FLBA, vice president of the PTSA, and played God in the school play. Maybe because I got into one of the most prestigious schools in the state, or because I had a closeknit group of friends always at my side.

I remember walking the halls of my high school, when this freshman girl bumped into me. She said, "What do you say?" I looked at her, trying not to laugh at her rudeness when her friend whispered to her, "Don't you know who that is?. That's Mary Anna Rodabaugh!" Of course, the scrappy freshman said, "I don't give an *bleep* who she is..she needs to say excuse me." I was already past her and down the hall, laughing to myself that her friend had a sense of awe in her voice.

I know this sounds like a horribly concieted memory and you might be rolling your eyes at my bragging but it is important to note these things. When I arrived at William and Mary, I carried my confidence around with me until about 12 hours into my freshman orientation. It took 12 hours to knock down a spirit of fearlessness that had been built within me for 18 years.

I trapsed through college, enjoying various nitches. I felt accepted by my sorority, reveared by the radio station, and respected by my workplace. However I couldn't help but think I reached my peak in high school. With a life full of potential infront of me, how could I possibly think that high school was the high top to my mountain?

Looking back I still want to believe that I am destined for greatness. I guess I've done "big things" by solidfying myself in the Youth Advocate position at my work. After all, there was no position until I started volunteering and some may say that I made myself a bit indispensible. I try to help people everyday, isn't that greatness?

It is, to some extent. But I feel I am destined for more. The world is going to know who I am. I'm on the brink of making some exciting life changes which I will share with you later. However, I find myself following my passions and designing my path to greatness. It will happen. I took the confident and fearless high school spirit and coupled it with the mature and slightly cautious and responsible adult I am today. Coupling these two extreams and balancing them into one person...I can only become great, I can only change lives each day through my compassion, my love, and my passions.

Until next time...

Monday, February 14, 2011

I HATE Valentine's Day. :-)

I hate Valentine's Day with a fiery burning passion. However, I've learned a lot of things over the past few weeks. One of those things is that Singles Awareness Day sucks a lot less if you hate it less. So instead of plotting the death of couples and projectile vomiting when I see engaged facebook status updates, I decided to embrace the holiday with all the love I could muster.

I'm at work today with a bright red dress covered in tiny little hearts. My mom made me this dress a few years ago for Valentine's Day. I'm also donning a heart shaped necklace, a red bow around my high pony tail and yes, bright red lipstick. My Valentine's Day didn't start the way I wanted to because the Cupid's Choice Donuts at Dunkin Donuts were all sold out...everywhere. I knew this would happen but I was really discouraged when reality set it. Everyone and their mother wanted those donuts...shaped like hearts with pink frosting and little sprinkles. I wanted to start my day with that donut, but not everything works the way we want it to.

Anyway, I encountered a rather awkward experience two weekends ago. I was at a bar with my friend on a Friday night. There was a guy sitting one seat over to my left and from the side profile, he looked kind of cute. My friend, a juke box junkie went to pump some dollars into the machine so we could hear some old school hip hop. As I sat at the bar, I started at the liquor bottles displayed in front of me, trying to think of something to say to this guy. He was alone, drinking a Miller Lite, looking kind of angry.

I thought about saying "so what is wrong?" but then realized that was the social worker coming out in me and that question was far from flirty. I considered asking him if he lived around the area but thought that was lame as well. I also was hit with a huge amount of insecurity. In my mind, if I spoke to this guy, I imagined him saying hi and then excusing himself from the conversation only to leave the bar. I imagined that in his eyes, I was just that "big girl," that the guy I bumped into on the street called me on a summer evening.

Or on New Years Eve, when I porused the bar, scoping out the seemingly single guys. I asked a bunch of guys where their girlfriends were. They both responded, quite quickly with "at the bar." I smiled, recovered quickly from this awkward moment (I might have been buzzed at the time) and simply stated that the bar employed me to make sure all the single guys had a lady to kiss at midnight. I then retreated to a safe place to pick up the broken shards of my dignity. When I went to the restroom about an hour later, I glanced over at that same cluster of guys only to find that there wasn't a single girl around them. They totally rejected me with a lie. I'm probably a lot better off for it, but it stung for a hot second. I then proceeded to rant in the girl's restroom about the encounter only to be hailed a gutsy hero of the single woman world (according to the fellow ladies in the bathroom). Right...

Back to the awkward encounter: My friend came back and a huge group of people took her spot at the bar. Apparently one of them just got engaged...engaged people follow me everywhere. Upon my friend taking that vacant chair, the guy immediately lit up and began talking to us...more so my friend than me. I knew he wasn't her type so I wasn't worried about her "stealing" this guy from me. In fact, as he started talking I realized he was pretty wrong for me. But I couldn't help but envy her for a hot second. Line us up on the side of a gym and ask the boys to pick a girl to dance with and they will most certainly choose her. She is petite, sassy and half Cuban. I'm the poster child for the average obese American. :P

I came to the realization that I might be incapable of being in a relationship right now. Not only is my time spread so thin with activities and work, but I also require a bit of alone time to decompress from the work week. I might be socially incompetent right now to be with someone. I say these things not with despair or loathing, but actually with a sense of thoughtfulness. I mean, I've been pining to be with someone when in reality...there is still a lot of self exploration to be done before I can add a guy into the equation. For once, I'm not distraught at that realization. I'm actually at peace.

So that experience coupled with the severe mood swings/depression/unexplainable lows that my doctors blames on my medications...has led me to spend Valentine's Day in a special way. Tonight I'm going to help out with a dessert/game night for homeless men. Its a service event the church I sing at is sponsoring. I've decided that Valentine's Day is about loving everyone, including yourself. Why not spread some love to some people who might not have anyone to love them right now?

So last year I adopted this "love hard and love fully" philosophy and it was great. Valentine's Day really sucks less when you hate it less. Embrace it, eat a lot of chocolate and smile at the couples instead of glare. You'll feel better. I know I do.

Until next time.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Here It Comes

There are a lot of things coming up. In about 5 posts, the 100th post of Life After College will debut. It is huge because I can never commit to anything so I'm proud of keeping up with something for over two years. Spring is coming up and that is good. It was in the mid 40s all weekend which was actually warm to us frozen Northerners. I actually saw poor souls in tank tops and shorts because they wanted to embrace the chilly springish weather. If I wasn't on a heating strike with PECO, I'd be out there donning my short sleeves too. (Last month's bill was OUTRAGEOUS so I'm engaging in a heatless strike). It doesn't benefit me or PECO but I like the perserverence. I'm not using my heat for the month of Feb. They don't get my money and I bundle up like an Eskimo. Valentine's Day is coming up. I hate Valentine's Day. But it is going to be about 50 degrees on Vday. So maybe I'll go out for a walk along the river after work. All the couples should be having dinner together so I should be able to escape the dressed up guys with flowers and the girls looking head over heels in love. Enjoy it peeps.

The past few posts I wrote were never published because they were too full of depressed stories and self loathing. While I'm pretty certain I may be suffering from clinical depression and I'm too stubborn to seek the professional help that can cure it, I will spare you a boring, sad sad post. Instead I thought I'd just share some interesting things about myself for the sake of entertainment. After all, that is what I live to do.

So here we go:

5 Random Trends/Fads I Never Caught On To:

1. Jeggings - I tried a pair on one day and was terrified with what I saw. I think they were made for skinny people only.

2. Reality TV - Yup, I don't really watch American Idol, Survivor, The Bachelor, The Amazing Race...etc. However, I did get engrossed in Project Runway last season. But I don't watch that anymore either.

3. Glee - Never jumped on the "Gleek" bandwagon. I watched about 10 minutes of it and thought "nope not for me." It could be because I don't really care for musicals...which is like a Christian saying they don't really care for God if you're a theatre major (which I was).

4. Victoria Secret Apparel including the "Pink" collection - I just can't bring myself to buy a $35 bra when I can get 3 bras for that price at the Hanes store. Now I know there is some sort of sex appeal when you walk out of VS carrying your pink bag which you tend to use as a lunch box, purse, and whatever means which allow you to flaunt your bag in public. I never caught onto that trend. It seems expensive and pointless.

5. Apple mania - I have to admit, I own an Ipod and I will probably purchase the new nano soon. I was against the Ipad until I learned you can compose digital music on it which peaked my interest, however, I do not own a Mac, Iphone, Ipod Touch, or any other Apple project (minus an Ipod...Gen 1). I loved the Motorola commercial where everyone is wearing white...because its true the world is brainwashed by Apple Products. Crackberry Lover For Life! (cradels Torch).

5 Random traits that make me seem like a man (sometimes a gay man):

1. I find sentimentality in everything: "oh boy! This is that parking lot where that song came on and we sang at the top of our lungs together" enough said.

2. I despise wearing heels. I know they make me look sexy and jazz up any outfit but I hate that they are so uncomfortable. I'd rather be comfortable over looking jazzy. Therefore, I'm a dude.

3. I think pizza and beer is one of the best meal inventions since the beginning of time.

4. I'm starting to grow a blonde mustache. Trust, I don't embrace it and it makes me uncomfortable.

5. I use words like "bro" "dude" and "yo" on a daily basis. I take pride in belching and tackling others and not only do I like sports, but I actually understand them.

5 Elements of My Current Life Crisis

1. Physically, I'm a disaster...I'm obese, I have one of those grandma pill containers filled to the brim with daily meds, I can never get my hair to look normal, and I've been sick three different ways in the past month.

2. I lack the self esteem I once had. I feel insecure when I have to call the phone company let alone talking to strangers or GULP guys.

3. I'm suffering a severe bout of self-loathing. Nothing anyone says or does makes me feel like the multi-talented and valuable person that I supposedly am.

4. I'm terrified of rejection in all forms. I'm scared to submit my writing to anywhere because I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared to talk to guys because I assume they will just dismiss me because I'm so insecure right now. I'm terrified to try new things for feal of failure and thus rejection of myself.

5. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm doing well in my current field but I am uncertain I want to pursue this field as a longterm career.

5 Random Talents I Have:

1. I'm one helluva radio dj

2. I get myself into the most awkward and interesting situations, most of the time without even trying.

3. I can make people laugh until milk comes out their nose.

4. I am a damn good writer.

5. I am great with working with people, from college kids, to the elderly, to homeless women and children.

5.5 I'm a damn good performer.

5 Random Guilty Pleasures/Quirks About me

1. I enjoy watching Jeopardy and answering with a question aloud

2. I like saltine crackers with cake icing on them as a snack

3. I'm slightly addicted to Grenadine Syrup

4. I sleep with a stuffed dog named Scrappy...and I have since 1st grade

5. I feel the need to clean my apartment every weekend.

Thats it, no more.

Until next time...

What if I'm not a Writer?

I've mentioned this before. My first book I ever wrote was a few chapters long. Each page was a new chapter. I was in second or third ...