Being in Love

This morning/afternoon there was a huge thunderstorm and the sky was incredibly dark. It looked like it should be around 8 or 9pm instead of 11:52am. I loved it. We had a tremendous downpour with a little lightening and thunder. It didn't last though. The sun came out and I spent the day playing sniper assassin games on my computer.

What do I miss most about being in a relationship? That is the question of the day. I think that the thing I miss most was having someone care about me unconditionally. Someone who was always concerned for my well being and who made me feel special as if his life couldn't go on without me in it. I suppose that is me putting myself on a pedestal.

The physicality of a relationship is nice. I enjoyed resting my head on the guy's shoulder or having big protective arms wrapped around me. A kiss here and there was nice too. I spent a lot of my life so far forcing relationships with people I cared about. See, I dated a few guys who were into me way more than I was into them. I broke too many hearts so I swore to myself that I would never date anyone unless I liked them first. That way I wouldn't just try to be with someone because they thought I was cute. I could avoid breaking hearts.

I didn't avoid breaking hearts, I only further damaged my own. I fell hard for guys, so hard that it became almost an obsession. I'd love them and care for them and try to be with them. I made a lot of good friends out of these endeavors but they never went further than that. I've had my share of random drunken hook ups too. The thing is, I tried so hard to be with people I probably wasn't meant to be with in the first place. I've only, truly been in love once. I spent most of college hoping for a wonderful guy to come along. I hated being single and I loathed couples. I felt that public displays of affection were always shoved right under my nose every day throughout my college career. I felt that I would die single.

Disclaimer: Religion again.

Than I suppose I had a talk with God and realized I couldn't bring a guy with me to Philly. I soon began to flesh out the meaning of a soul mate. My good friend sent me this prayer which makes so much sense to me now:

Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But God, to the Christian, says, "No, not until you are satisfied with living for Me and being loved by Me alone and having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.

"I love you my child; and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.

"I want you to stop planning and stop wanting, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan ever existing--one that you cannot even imagine.

"I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you--just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things--keep experiencing that satisfaction in Me, knowing that I AM--keep learning and listening to the things that I tell you.

"You must wait. Do not be anxious. Do not worry. Do not look around at the things others have gained for themselves or that I have given them. Do not look at the things you want. Just keep looking at Me or you will miss what I want to show you.

"And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream of. You see, until you are ready (and even at this minute I desire to have you both ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied with Me and the life that I have prepared for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies our relationship with Me--and this is perfect love.

"And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me and to enjoy the everlasting union of beauty and love.

"I AM GOD. Believe and be satisfied."

St. Anthony

Now, I feel that every time I wish for someone to come along, or watch a romantic movie and wish it was me, or have feelings for one of my old crushes or boyfriends...that I'm taking one giant step backwards. That I'm never going to see what this prayer promises. That I'm too emotionally immature to find someone special to be with. I feel that until I can look at couples and feel overwhelming joy for them, go to weddings without a jealous feeling in the world, and appreciate love for what it is in whatever media it comes in, I will remain single and alone.

Currently I'm not going to find anyone. I also know that I can't go searching. I have to just sit and live my life and someone will "come along." I can't actively pursue them or try to force them into my life. That frustrates me. I want nothing more than to do something about it. All I can do is try to make myself look prettier by attempting to lose weight and actually doing something with my hair.

Perhaps I shouldn't be watching the Notebook and contemplating other aspects of my life. I hate the uncertainty.

Until next time...