Censorship

Greetings America! After a brief hiatus I am back on the blog. Multiple issues have prevented me from writing as of late. The primary one is work...I have been swamped with assessments, classes, meetings, conventions and this special video project I'm working on encapsulating the entire history of my workplace through interviews and photos. (Through it, I even get to interview top executives such as one of the key leaders of the entire health system and two members of our board.) I have loved every minute of the craziness but it has also been stressful. My days have consisted of work, dinner, shower, sleep. I've been hitting the hay at about 10pm and sleeping soundly until 7:45am, sometimes even waking up during REM sleep. I've been plagued with random, vivid, and sometimes scary dreams. So basically I've been too busy to write.

The second reason of my hiatus is because it seems as if I had fallen into the black hole of censorship. Apparently whenever I write a post, I have to sit and think "will this offend anybody? how do my words impact others in a negative way? should I be saying this?" Instead of writing what is on my heart, which, is what good writers do. I am not one to write serious tasteless and offensive content. So I've spent the past two weeks wanting to write but wondering what neutral topic I can write about without any apparent backlash. If you are wondering, I'm actually referring to some controversy around the posts about my grandmother and her passing. In all circumstances regarding that situation, I have no regrets. Also, my last post, the young mother post received excellent comments. :) All in all I've managed to bash the ever persisting awareness that every word I write is being judged in some way.

Life has been busy but fruitful. I've been accomplishing a lot of things at work. Currently there are only four original families from my early days in August still residing there. The rest have found housing. So we have a lot of new families right now. There has been some good news breezing by the rumor mill: more talk about hiring me. There is nothing official really, but there is more of an effort to hire me as full time staff. Basically more talk and more encouragement. :) Always a good thing. So I have the potential to possibly become a permanent fixture in Philadelphia. I've been listening to the song "I Made It" by Kevin Rudolf on repeat. Basically I'm loving the line "I look up to the sky and now the world is mine." and "I used to dream about the life I'm living now. I know theres no doubt. I made it."

These words really speak to me because if by some miracle of God I proved myself to be indispensable, which was my goal in September, I will have truly made it. I remember when I was a little girl riding up to Philly to either go to a Phillies game or visit relatives. I was always captivated by the skyline. One time, while attending a game with my Aunt, Uncle and two cousins, we had seats which were right in front of the skyline. So when the game paused I could just look straight ahead and see the tall brightly lit buildings. I never had a strong desire to live in Philadelphia. By never having a strong desire I mean I never wanted to live here. I always wanted to live in a big city like Chicago or New York. Then when I was trying to put my life together before graduation, I realized that Philadelphia wasn't that far away from Virginia. Actually, it is. haha But it isn't as far as the other places.

I figured I would do a year of service here and then use that experience to find a job elsewhere. Then the unexpected happened. I fell in love with my job, the kids I work with and yes, Philadelphia. Suddenly I can't see myself living anywhere else. I have new friends at work and in the Philly area. I love the culture and even the dirtiness of it. I love the music, the art, the people and everything the city has to offer. I feel bad that I judged Philadelphia by its cover as a great place to visit but never a great place to live. Please don't think I am naive. I know that there is tons of crime, that it ranks in the top 20 dangerous cities in America, that people are shot, robbed, and raped daily...but you can find that in small suburban towns too.

My biggest concerns is how I will set up my new life after the volunteer program ends. The new journey will begin, which is great, but I have no resources. By resources I mean I'll be broke, homeless to some extent, car-less, and have a lot of great material possessions that need to go somewhere. How does one start a life with no money? I guess I'll be finding out. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure I'll have plenty of support from the Sisters, co-workers and people who have gone through the same thing. But I like to know I have security. I have to be able to do more than just hope it all works out.

In lieu of new beginnings, I have come to the decision that I want to also pursue further education. I swore up, down, and sideways that I would never be a social worker. I always pictured social workers as those people who bust into dirty homes and take kids away from parents and put them into foster care. No, those are social workers for Department of Human Services. I'm technically a social worker now, I'm just called a Youth Advocate. Therefore, I plan to get my Masters of Social Work as a part time student. It would take about 2.5 years if I started classes this January. But where will you go to school? I'm looking into a variety of places but my soul is set on Temple University. The campus is actually within walking distance to my work (but no, I don't plan walking to night classes). So it is a shot in the dark and it depends on a lot of factors. The Utopian future world of mine involves me living in the city in a cheap but relatively nice apartment, being employed full time at my current service site, and attending Temple University part time as an MSW student. We'll see if the Utopian world can become a reality.

So all this planning, dreaming and scheming is great but it also makes me realize that my service year is rapidly coming to a close. It ends in mid-July but it is already mid-April and I feel like Easter Sunday was yesterday. Now I'm trying to take careful steps to make sure that I milk up all the fun, resources, and community moments now before it is too late. I'm trying to appreciate the present now more than ever because I realize my life will never be like this again. I'm pretty sure I will never live in a convent again, or have a community of Sisters to hang out with all the time, or live in a sweet house where almost everything is paid for, or have moments of spiritual reflection in a group setting or any of that. Live in the present is the motto for now.

In other news, I hung out with my friend David from W&M today. He took me to Columbia, NJ where they have a HUGE Farmers Market. You need to go if you're ever up north. This place has everything you could ever need from fresh food to shoes to knock off sunglasses to wall hangings. They even have air rifles, tools, DVDs and t-shirts. My biggest find of the day was a green Phillies Irish t-shirt with Victorino 8 on the back. I think I've found my new favorite shirt. Ever. In the history of all of my shirts. It was a good time and I spent more money than I should have. :P It was really fun catching up with David since I haven't seen him since graduation. It is nice to know I have a W&M connection so close because I find myself missing W&M all the damn time.

Tonight I'm going out with the community to the Trolley Stop, a restaurant in Philly. 15% of the proceeds go to my work. :) All in all it has been a great weekend!

Until next time...

The Young Mother

First let me extinguish your current suspicions. I am not pregnant. :) This post is sociology related.

A certain situation has happened to me not once but twice. It is thought provoking, amusing and in a way kind of sad. I was talking with a young mother today and somehow the topic of birthdays came up with her kids. I told them I would be 23 years old this year. The mother, whose age I can not recall, said to me "do you have any kids?" "No," I responded. She responded with something like "Oh, you don't want any?" To which I wanted to reply "No, I do want kids but I really want a stable job and a husband before I have kids." Of course I did not say this because I would never blame or offend someone for their life choices.

This same thing happened to me a few months ago. Again, the mother assumed I didn't want kids because I was 23 and didn't have any. If anything, working with children has made me want to have kids even more so than before! I totally want to raise kids and have my own family. The very thought of it excites me. Yet the thought of a promising career as a social worker and a writer excites me too. I want to establish myself in my field and find a great husband before the kids enter the world.

So it kind of depresses me that a lot of these mothers think it is normal to have their first child at 15, 16 and 17 and have four or five kids by the time they are my age. In their eyes, I'm not interested in having kids since I'm 23 and single and childless. This doesn't offend me in the least but just sparks some thought provoking sociological ponderings.

I'm making different choices than they are.

Until next time...

I Promise I'm Alive

Ok so I haven't updated in a little under a month. I apologize for that. Valentine's Day came and went and so did February. You really don't realize how quickly that 28 day month goes by until you are out of school. In school, the days just mesh together. Out of school, you're like holy crap its March already. When did that happen?

I sort of mulled through Feb. The Cage the Elephant concert I went to was amazing. The lead singer crowd surfed and pretty much fell on top of me. So did the hot drummer from the first band, Morning Teleportation. I was first in line and front and center. It was a wonderful concert. Afterwards I scored the set list and Matt, the lead signed it. Then I got hot drummer to sign my ticket and take a picture with me. I made a few friends from Delaware Valley College in line while waiting for the concert. The security men kept telling everyone "the line forms behind HER." haha It was so worth it. After the concert Connie and Stephen drove all the way out to South Street to rescue me. I was equipped with a slice of Lorenzo's pizza the size of my head and my new bottle of water from the Mini Mart. We went to Dunken Doughnuts where we ordered a chocolate doughnut, a box of 25 jelly munchkins and a cream puff. What we got was a box of almost 40 munchkins, a chocolate doughnut and 3 glazed doughnuts. We weren't charged extra. It was a very kitchen sink kind of deal but it was also hilarious.

That was February, or at least all I remember about it. Now it is March. I got sick in the beginning of the month and had to take another sick day from work. Blah. The sad thing is that I am still pretty congested. Michigan State University are staying in Huntingdon Valley at the mother house for this week. It is there spring break. They are doing their service at my work which is cool. I've been so busy I haven't had the chance to interact with them all. The funny thing is that I'm supposed to be busy with the same stuff they are. Tonight we're going to a nursing home to play Senior Olympics. I enjoy having extra opportunities for service and reflection but it has killed my schedule. I won't see the gym all this week or next week. Somehow work has picked up significantly too. So I'm sort of just trying to survive each day right now. They're good days, just long, busy and eventful.

I don't have big plans anytime soon for anything. I'm staying up here for Easter. I even volunteered to read at Passion Sunday. Last weekend I went out to South Street with Connie and Stephen and Jr. We went to the Tattooed Mom, officially my favorite bar in Philly. Then we went to Lorenzo's. After that we went to Cuba Libre, a latin dance club. Unfortunately Jr was not allowed in because he was wearing sneakers. So Connie, Stephen and I went in just to use their restroom. Well sure enough I get picked up in the bathroom line and a guy asks me to dance. I hadn't been in the club more than 3 minutes. So after I did my business I danced with him. He was a nice guy but I later found out he was 37. A little to old for me....

Weight loss is still happening. I gained a quarter pound since last week. (I'm in the Biggest Loser Challenge at work so I get weighed each week). I really need to work on that because I want to win this contest. As for my spiritual life, well, things are getting better. I went to my first spiritual direction appointment on Monday night. It went well and I have lots of stuff to ponder. Not bad stuff though.

Other than that nothing is going on. Just trying to survive, make plans for post July and enjoy each day.

Until next time...

I Survived Valentine's Day (with a smile on my face)

While watching the movie, Valentine's Day, starring tons of celebrities, I thought I saw myself as one of the characters. There is one character played by Jessica Biel. She is a work-a-holic who literally lives in her office. (She has a futon and an exercise ball and a treadmill). She is closest to her Blackberry. She throws an Anti-Valentine's Day party every year at an Indian restaurant. As sad and pathetic as that is, I kind of saw my future looking like that. I could totally live in my office. If I ever get an Iphone or Blackberry I will probably be addicted to it. I own an exercise ball, all I need is a treadmill. haha

Despite these negative feelings I decided to "love hard and love fully regardless of my relationship status." (Which is stone cold single). I went to Mass, visited the Sisters in the Infirmary to wish them a Happy Valentine's Day, ate lunch and cheesecake, went home and facebook messaged all my friends, wishing them a happy Valentine's Day and telling them how much I loved them. I went out and bought presents for people (birthday, Valentine's Day...etc). I got cornered by one of those shiny nail people at the mall. I almost bought a St. Patrick's Day flask but decided against it. I talked to some of my best friends on the phone for long periods of time. I then went home, sorted through my belongings, and ate dinner with the community.

I topped the night off by going to Hollywood Tavern, a bar down the street from where I live, by myself. I thought it was fitting, being so happy, upbeat and positive during Valentine's Day to go to a bar alone. So I did. It was awesome. The bartender introduced me to the locals and before you know it I had made three friends (who were two to three times my age but whatever). One of the guys said to me, "Hey Mary Anna...you've found your 'Cheers' bar!" He was right. The atmosphere was so friendly that I have to go back and hang with my new friends. I had a Valentine named Steve who likes to fist bump and Johnny who prefers to "potato" (one fist on top of the other). I left laughing at myself for going to the bar alone. I had two Rolling Rocks because I wanted to switch up on this 'special' ordinary day. Usually I'm a Miller/Miller Lite girl.

I came home, showered, and crawled into bed. This was after I read a few pages from my LOVE book. (A small and fun book that has love stories, poems and quotes). I also gave Connie and Stephen IPOD shaped Valentine's made out of Sweetheart boxes and Reeses Mini Cups.

I was sappy. I was happy. I was not bitter or resentful. I loved hard and loved fully. I might still be single but at least my positive attitude got me through the hard day. Yes, I wanted to be an idiot and tell the guy I like how I feel but I chose not to. I rememberd all the times that did not work to my advantage (all of them) and kept my mouth shut. What will be will be. I plan to love hard and love fully everyday, regardless of the holiday. It is really the only way to live.

Until next time...

The Tornado Inside of Me

First let me start this post by saying "no, I am not depressed right now and my life has not fallen to shit." I'm serious. Life is decent and I'm in an ok mood right now. The dark and scary tornado picture is sort of what is going on inside of me right now. Or at least inside of my head. As you can see, the tornado doesn't actually touch ground. It kind of just hovers above the Earth.

So why the dramatic photo? Well, I'm all mixed up inside. I'm plagued by nostalgia which makes me miss certain people and certain places. I feel like I'm on the brink of some sort of creative outpouring. This brinkish feeling is easy to describe. I feel like I'm about to burst with some great writing or creative idea to make the world a better place. I'm going to EXPLODE with thoughts, passions, love, hate, life what have you. The only problem is that I also feel like a stopped up drain or a geyser that can't burst. Brink or no brink, I find I can't explode with expression. Something is blocking that explosion and I have no idea what it is.

In addition to the feeling of needed to burst with creative expression I feel tired. Yes, despite being on edge I also feel weary. I know I need to recharge and re-evaluate certain aspects of my life. I'm always creating "new beginnings" for myself. This is when I feel I'm back on track and start living my life in a positive way. Right now I'm in a rut. I do not have the energy or motivation to get the daily mundane tasks done. I haven't been to the gym in a week and a half (this is due in part to the snow). I think I'm eating healthy but I'm not sure. I made a list of things I had accomplished so far this year and a list of things I need to accomplish. So, in theory, i should be working on accomplishing those things, right? Nope. I would rather rest, do mindless tasks, listen to music and be nostalgic and stopped up.

I suppose I'm out of sorts. Singles Awareness Day is coming up and I'm bound to be bitter. However, I know that no one I live with wants to put up with me feeling sorry for myself because I don't have a Valentine. So I know I have to strive to not let Vday bother me. I have to continue to think what other people want to hear and censor my thoughts/feelings that they don't want to hear. Does that make sense? I don't think so either.

So I'm sort of unsettled but I'm not sad or depressed. I'm just in tumult. I'm lacking energy and the key that unlocks that door of creative outburst. For all I know, it could be pent up emotions that need to explode in the form of laughter that makes your stomach hurt or tears that give you a headache. Maybe there is nothing creative about the blockage at all.

Cryptic yes. However I found this exercise helpful.

Until next time....

Snow, Stomach Viruses and Seeking Future Employment

Snow: Holy crap we have a lot of snow. Philadelphia got 28 inches! AND we're about to get hit by two storm systems which are converging into ONE. It is SNOWAGEDDON for real. The streets are decent but they are not as good as they could be. We're expected to get another foot or so dumped on us. I was talking to a guy on the bus yesterday and he said this is the most snow Philadelphia has seen since the mid 90s. Yeah..it kind of figures that we get a large amount of snow the year I move here. I don't mind, really. It is just funny because on my orientation day at work I asked my boss how I was to get to work when it snowed. I asked her this on a 90 degree summer day in August....Snow was on my mind even back then. So bottom line, we have tons of snow and we're getting more and more and more of it. Perfect storm snow style.

Stomach Viruses: There was/is a deathly plague infecting Philadelphia residents and those of surrounding areas. At least this is what I heard. I had some stomach issues last week but I didn't think much of it. Then Thursday night came where I had stabbing, crippling pain in my side. I thought I was going to be paying a trip to the hospital. (The whole time I thought "I will not go to the hospital without my sweatpants!) Anyway, turns out it wasn't a life threatening illness or infection. It just felt that way. I was cursed with the evil stomach virus from hell. My system was washed out completely. I lost 5lbs in the process. I was out of commission all weekend and even took off work on Friday. I am pleased to report that I can now digest solid food that is not bananas, rice, apples or toast. And I'm 5lbs lighter. Whoot! Sadly some of my co-workers were slammed by the virus too.

Seeking Future Employment: Hahahaha. I know I always say I'm going to focus on the present and not worry about the future but I'm compulsive when it comes to the future. I'm still seeking future employment. I continue to look at apartment complexes which I can afford, figure out the cost of living in Philly suburbs, and try to conceive a life plan. I'm kind of jealous that a journalism job has opened in Maryland which I am qualified for. I may be veering off the journalism path but I am still sticking to writing. I have decided I am going to commit myself to writing a book. I'm not sure what book yet. I want to write a book on stories of the homeless but after a nice debate with my dad I started to question my original intentions. He thinks I should start the autobiography I've been bragging about writing someday. His twist was "Never a Dull Moment: The First 23 years." True, if I were to write my autobiography it would have to be in volumes. However, how do I convince a publisher to publish a book about my life? I'm interesting, but am I interesting enough for the general public to give a crap about me? My dad also suggested I use my flare for drama to explore fiction writing. Thing is, I never finish what I start and I question my talent when it comes to fiction. Oh, I was talking about future employment. Yes, the life goal is to write/publish books. However I am a realist and I know that I can't eat and live on that alone. So I'm exploring local social work opportunities. I love what I do now but will I love it in another setting? Could I feasibly survive in Philly?

I had always dreamed of being the metropolitan business woman at the bar with a martini. I'd have some swanky apartment that overlooked the city and I'd own a Boxer dog. I'd have great girlfriends, I'd love my job, I'd have a continued opportunity to advance my career and my life would pretty much mirror the metropolitan woman books I've read my whole life.

However, I threw those dreams away when I decided to seek something MORE. I could have been a cop in Williamsburg. I could have eventually landed a journalism gig. While yes, law enforcement isn't a selfish profession...I wanted to do it to advance to the FBI. Journalism is a selfish profession. After reflection I wanted a career that served others, that would allow me to find God in my work, that wasn't totally selfish and that had a small impact in our big big world. So I work for free and I live with nuns and I have no clue what to do when July comes. How do you change the world though writing? It has been done but I can't figure out how to do it myself. So I could change the world through social work and write on the side. But how do I do that?

I want to be a writer, a mother, a social worker and a world changer. Ever since I was little I have felt compelled to break though the ordinary to become extraordinary. However this extraordinary endeavors can't be for my own gain. It must be done for humanity.

So I sit here on the brink of creativity, feeling like a butterfly about to bust out of my cocoon. Yet I have nowhere to fly yet and no concrete goals. :) There is more hashing out and obsessing to do!

Until next time....

Oh Happy Day

To the quick observer, it would appear that I go through extreme highs and extreme lows on a regular basis. This may or may not be true. I refuse to investigate the observation further. Needless to say, this week (so far) is a high. It isn't an extreme high, but it is high enough. Today is a happy day.

First of all, Puxatony Phil saw his shadow. This isn't the best news in the world. Six more weeks of winter kind of makes me want to cry. That is because I'm such a summer baby. I'm literally wearing open toe high heels today IN THE DEAD OF WINTER. I'm doing this because I can pretend it is summer in my mind AND because black does not go with navy blue. My skirt is navy blue and all my closed toed shoes are black. Therefore, I'm minimizing the blackness of my shoes by wearing strappy heels (that are comfortable) just not practical for the weather.

Today I'm headed to St. Joe's University to meet the volunteers for the service learning project. Basically students from SJU get credit for doing a service project for a semester. I went last time with my partner in crime, but she is out on medical leave now so its just me. I hope I don't screw it up. Talk about the opportunity to be a young professional. I also have to network with local providers so I can make connections regarding supplies. (Last time I scored a bunch of school supplies).

After this meet and greet I have to teach my emotions class. We're still working on teamwork and team building. This week I'm making them draw for partners and then in teams of two build a bridge with the materials I provide for them. The catch is that each team gets a bag of different materials. The lesson is sometimes you have to work with what you have and with someone you wouldn't necessarily choose to work with. My kids are kids but hopefully they understand the lesson. The materials are pipe cleaners, cups, cardboard, straws, paper clips, foil and other various odds and ends. I'm excited to see what they come up with (pending them getting into the activity).

I'm cooking for the community on Weds. We're having pancakes both chocolate chip and plain, scrambled eggs and sausage. For our activity we're doing a sort of show and tell. Everyone is picking two items that mean a lot to them and they will share with the community the special-ness of each item. Even though we've lived together for over 4 months, we still don't know each other as well as we'd like to think. Hopefully it goes well.

So it is looking like a good week. Singles Awareness Day (Valentine's Day) is coming up. Fortunately it is on a Sunday so I shouldn't be too bitter. Although I am tempted to wear black and watch "My Bloody Valentine." haha

This past weekend was a lot of fun. Friday night I went out with Stephen to his friend's house party. His Jr. roommate from Notre Dame just moved back to Philly. So he had this sweet party. Fun fact: Stephen and I went to the WRONG party first. We heard a party next door to the house we were supposed to go to. Some people shouted from a car that we should go to 142, that is where the party is at. So we listened to them.

We opened the door and was greeted by at least 60 or 70 already drunk high schoolers and college freshman. They were clearly younger than us. Everyone was wearing white t-shirts because it was a highlighter party. Stephen and I walked from one end of the house to the other and up the stairs and back down. We could find no sign of his friend. So I asked a few drunk people if they knew where Tony was. Yeah...no one had a clue. That was when Stephen and I realized we crashed the wrong party. So we left, went next door, and was greeted by Tony's brother. This house was much nicer. They had two big screen tvs in the living room and a table that looked like a counter at the liquor store. The atmosphere was chill and we had a good time. At one point I was promoting a drink I invented called the "Starburst." It has lemonade, sprite, sour apple pucker and strawberry rum in it. A few people asked me to make it for them. I remember proclaiming I was a bartender in training.

Saturday night we went to the Mother house and played cards with some of the Sisters. That was a lot of fun and a good way to spend a Saturday night. Sunday I cleaned my room from top to bottom, did my community cleaning duties, and then went shopping for a bit. I scored a $5 dress, and two $7 shirts. Got to love Marshalls.

In my next post, I'll elaborate on a situation that happened to me yesterday. It was...interesting. So for now, life is good. I'm getting back to the normal swing of things. The only hard part is I keep wanting to call my grandmother and then I realize I can't. I think this will go on for quite some time. I have been wearing the jewelry she left me. I guess she is always with me. :)

Until next time....

I Will Survive

Remember that expectation that I should perform top notch work at ministry? Well, I may be the only one who is holding myself to that expectation but this week has been insane. Most of my fellow staff is out sick so we're short staffed. Missing two and a half days of work was like missing two weeks. I can't seem to keep my tutors straight in our programs because there is so many tutors! Homework club was cancelled on Monday and Tuesday because the students had a half day at school. I don't have the master list of all the tutors. No one does...so I have volunteers making half hour trips to help out only to find they have no one to tutor and nothing to do. It makes me look unprofessional and it wastes the volunteers' time. I can't do anything about it because I can't get the master list. I'm going to have to have a running list at the club and get the tutors' info that way.

I'm single handedly planning and preparing for our Star Student Awards Party. All the kids that earned perfect attendance or honor roll are going to get a certificate and a special prize. I've been getting gift bags together, making fliers and invitations, trying to get a hold of my tutors whose information I have and make certificates for each of the award winners. It is a lot of work. This is one of those lessons in delegation. I'm supposed to delegate tasks to my co-partner in this event but instead I'm doing everything myself. I don't mind doing all the work but it is Wednesday and I'm almost at burn out point. That is when I start getting passive aggressive.

This week has been full of stomachaches, fatigue, lack of sleep, and headaches. Also I think I'm gaining a little bit of weight which freaks me out because I have been on such a roll. I really just need to sleep for a week straight and then I should be ready to go.

I do have some exciting news in spite of another debbie downer post. I bought tickets to see Cage the Elephant perform at Theatre of the Live Arts in Feb. I'm stoked! The tickets were really cheap and its general admission. Connie and Stephen are probably going to go too. We make time to do fun RMC activities together. For example, we went ice skating in December and this month we watched Harry Potter 6 together. Well, next month it is Cage the Elephant concert! (We do hang out more than once a month...this is just planned hanging out). I'm the only person who knows and loves CtE, but I think it will be an awesome time for all involved. Whenever I hear their songs I think "I want to see them in concert some day." Then at work the radio announced they were coming to Philly. I bought my ticket within 48 hours.

So there is the ray of sunshine amidst the storm. I'm just a bit stressed right now. I enjoy being busy but I don't like being on edge. I will survive...even if it is only Weds.

Until next time....

Baby Steps

Ok, I admit that the last post was beyond depressing. Unfortunately, I wrote exactly how I felt that day. I'm pleased to report that I was productive on Saturday. I tried to stick to my weekend routine. I actually dragged my butt to the gym for a solid hour and a half. I showered, cleaned my room, and ran errands. That evening, the Mercy Volunteer Corps came over and we played some games. It was fun and I'm glad they came. Originally, before I went out for my errands, I didn't want to do anything Saturday night except write and sleep.

I have these mini-rituals regarding my Mom Mom. I'm not ready to remove her picture from my facebook profile yet. I am not ready to wear the jewelry she left for me. I don't eat the peppermints that are in this small flowerpot with our pictures on it. I wear the charm bracelet she gave me in in 2004 everyday. The items I have from her house rest in a pile on my floor. I look at them often, even show them to my community, but I don't move them from the pile. Today at mass I think I endured the last round of "I'm so sorry for your loss." I appreciate every sentiment of sympathy from everyone but I will admit it hurts to hear those words.

This week is another full and busy week at work. I'll be expected to perform top notch work and I'll do my best to do so. The work occupies my mind so hopefully it will be to my advantage. This week is full of meetings and programs.

In other news I've had horrible stomach cramping all day. I have no idea what the pain is. Perhaps I have caught some sort of stomach bug or something. I don't know. I'm going to let it run its course unless it gets really painful. Then I'll seek medical attention. Honestly, I don't have the money for more medication right now. I have to wait for the stipend to come in at the beginning of Feb.

So I'll take baby steps to normalcy. Life is not over for us, it has merely changed. Mom Mom isn't physically present but rather present everywhere all the time. Here's to charging through this week with spirit and strength.

Until next time....

Get Back Up When Life Knocks You Down

Yesterday was my Mom Mom's funeral. To be honest, the last funeral I went to of someone who I was very close to was my grandfather 16 years ago. I saw family I hadn't seen in 16 years. I hugged people who I apparently have a blood relationship with. I tried to be strong and be positive in the most utter sadness. I read the first and second reading at her mass. I carried up the gifts. I delivered a small speech at the cemetery and my voice didn't crack once. Sure, the breakdowns were intermittent throughout these moments of strength. As the tears streamed down my face my mother asked, through her own tears, what was wrong. Nothing was wrong...I missed my Mom Mom that's all. Her departure from me was the best of circumstances. My last words to her were I love you. The last time I saw her she was waving goodbye at her front door as my mom and I drove away. She died peacefully, painlessly and with family by her side. Her funeral was sad but beautiful. We had a state police escort for the funeral procession and there was a bagpipe player at the cemetery. When I got home I felt tired and numb, a standard set of emotions for a person who has experienced such a loss.

Today I found out that one of my favorite patients in the Sister's infirmary has been on hospice. This was news to me. I also found out that she was on her deathbed. I was supposed to write her a letter and we'd correspond back and forth because we shared a love for writing. I never got around to writing that letter to her. I stood by her bed and apologized for that. I told her I loved her even though I didn't know her for very long. Her niece invited me to help her open birthday presents for my friend. It was a nice moment to share. She is expected to pass within the next 48 hours.

Today I also found out that I will owe over $100 a month for my student loans which are deferred through Americorps. I don't have to pay the interest, but it will be tacked on to the grand total of money I owe for the loans. That totals to an additional $600 I will have to pay back because I chose to volunteer for a year. This news made me angry and I was a bit snappy on the phone with my mother, a courageous woman who buried her own mother yesterday. I called two hours later to make amends.

Some other stuff came up and I had to call my mom again to talk it out with her. Stephen came in to remind me that community prayer was going on. I told him I wouldn't be there and made some stupid excuse. I was on the phone with my mom and the oven was preheating so I could eat pizza for dinner. He left my room, clearly disappointed that I wasn't praying with the community. Honestly, I'm in a rough spiritual spot. I am not in a place where I can pray in community with others. I need to just rebuild my spiritual life myself. Unfortunately after prayer I learned that one of my community members picked a special reading out with me in mind. The prayer was slightly focused on me and my loss. I wasn't there. I could sense disappointment in the room. At that moment I felt so incredibly ungrateful. Here my community is constantly keeping me in their prayers and trying to comfort me the best they can. The least I could do is attend community prayer and just allow their gesture of comfort and healing wash over me. But now, I was too wrapped up in myself again. Just as I was too wrapped up in myself that I forgot to write my infirmary friend a letter. Just as I was too wrapped up in the little things that I didn't exhaust every possible option with my lending institution to prevent $100 interest charges from accruing.

Now I'm sort of an unraveled mess. I picture my life as this situation: I'm in the ocean, enjoying it to the fullest on a warm summer day. Suddenly a giant wave knocks me down and sucks me under the surface. As I'm tossed and turned by the angry ocean, all I can do is wait to be spit out and resurface again. When this finally happens, I see the shore and I'm determined to swim back to it. As I start to paddle and position myself so the waves will carry me in, another wave knocks me down and sucks me under. This keeps happening until I wonder if I should continue trying to swim back to the shore or just let the waves keep sucking me under. No this scenario is not about death, but rather my fear to carry on with life. I am actually scared to try to enjoy life again. Things were almost perfect before my grandmother passed away. Life is full of ups and downs, I get that, but I figure that as soon as I establish a sort of happy normal state, another wave will knock me down and hold me under. They say death comes in threes and I'm just wondering who is next. What financial difficulty will I have to face? What horrible thing will happen to me, my family or my friends? This is an irrational and horrible attitude to have but I can't help it.

Another thing I worry about is the grief process itself. What if I still feel this way in a week? Will people get tired of me and tell me to get over it? I don't need excess attention or anything but if I'm still in a rut I hope people understand and don't think I'm milking it. When should I start to live a normal life again? When is it safe to try to make my way back to the shore?

I suppose I should pray for strength. The last thing I prayed for was humility and instead I got this. Part of me thinks I'm going crazy with my irrational fears. Another part of me thinks I'm fine and this is just the way I process death and unhappy times. Then I look at these two parts and wonder why I'm not sure about either. After that assessment, I get angry at God and ask Him why he puts people on Earth just to take them away from you. I mean look at Haiti, of all the countries to get hit with a natural disaster, the poorest and most needy country almost gets destroyed. What is the point of that? I'm not angry with God now but we're not speaking. I'm fine, I swear, I can probably convince the world that but the first person I have to convince is myself.

Until next time....

Mom Mom, May You Rest in Peace

On January 16th, early into the nightfall, my grandmother, Mom Mom, passed away. Even though I had been preparing myself for the inevitable, the news still ran shock waves through my heart. I cried so much that I almost threw up. Then I felt numb.

Today is January 20th, the day before her funeral. I'm scheduled to catch a ride down to South Jersey to spend the night with my Mom, Dad, and dog...in my grandmother's house. The funeral is at 11 and internment is in Philadelphia. My family is going to drop me off at the house after internment since I live about 15 minutes away from the cemetery. I'll give them a tour of my living space, we'll eat, and then they will depart back to South Jersey to tend to some affairs.

I understand she is in a better place. I understand she is with her husband who passed 16 years ago. I understand she is free of pain. I am grateful for everything she has given me and all the memories we have had together. My Mom Mom was an incredible woman. I will miss her everyday we are apart but I know she is continually watching over me.

Until next time...

A Black Speck on Perfection

Life has been wonderful lately. I was selected at the Employee of the Month for November (found out yesterday during our quarterly staff meeting). Work has been great. I've been very busy everyday which keeps the days going by. I can actually feel the productivity and I've gotten positive feedback from the residents regarding the programs I have implemented for their kids. I've lost close to 23lbs which is a record in my life. I feel healthier, I look healthier and I guess you could say I have a bit of cocky self confidence in my appearance and abilities. My community feels closer than it ever has been before. My prayer life is on the mend. Life has been great.

But you know when life is great and you almost feel like you are on an invincible high? When you know that the feeling won't last forever and something horrible will come and knock you down off your pedestal. That is how I had been feeling but I pushed it aside and basked in the glow of my happiness.

Then it happened. I was knocked down. Hard.

I am a kaleidoscope of emotions today. Currently my grandmother is lying in her bed, refusing medication and medical help. She is bitter, depressed, and honestly just wants to pass on to the next life. This is the most heartbreaking feeling in the world for me. My grandmother, Mom Mom, is 87 years old. That is a remarkable feat in itself. She is a fortress and I honestly can't believe she wants to give up and go. She has fight left in her but she is refusing to channel it.

My grandmother is alive today, and may very well be alive for the next few days but all I can do is wait and pray. Pray for what, I asked my mother. "What is best for Mom Mom," she replied. I always prayed that when it was her time she would die peacefully and painlessly in her sleep. Well, that might be the case for her but it is the rest of us that have to watch in pain. I refuse to call her because she is not herself. I do not want my last memory of my grandmother to be her distant, bitter voice. That is not the Mom Mom I know.

There is a certain helplessness that weighs upon me. The hard part is that this is so sudden. On January 10th she turned 87 and her demeanor was positive and happy. Now she doesn't care about life or anything. But she is a fortress and I want my family to exhaust all possible conversations to make sure that this is what my grandmother wants. She has to want to let go with all of her soul before I can let her go. But I can't do anything about it except go about my day, remember the good times, and wait for that phone call that is going to break my heart in half.

This situation is a black speck on perfection. My life is great and I still feel the shadow of my happiness. I can still feel a tingle of joy and pride from my accomplishments. Perhaps I should be grateful for this shadow because it slightly numbs the sadness and hopelessness I feel regarding my grandmother. Perhaps my streak of joy was supposed to happen to balance out my streak of despair.

I know what is going to happen. I can't possibly prepare myself for it. I don't want to prepare myself for it. It makes me question which visitation from death is better...the sudden shock of it or the long drawn out waiting for arrival. I don't know.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. I will be at Sea Isle City this weekend with my community for our annual weekend adventure. I am trying to focus on the good times I will have tonight and this weekend because my grandmother would not want it any other way. She'd "pop me one" if she knew how much this situation was troubling me. Thanks.

Until next time...

It is a Brand New Year!

Happy New Year to all! It is a brand new year and that means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Some people decide to reinvent themselves and change things in their life to make it better. Other people don't care and just start life on Jan 1st like they did on Dec 31st. It all depends on the person.

I have one resolution and that is to learn to Latin dance this year. Salsa and tango and hustle. I think that would be a lot of fun. Other than that, its just a new year.

The holidays were great with my family. I'll be honest, I came back to PA with an extreme bout of homesickness and real sickness. I was coughing every five minutes and sometimes couldn't stop. Additionally I really enjoyed being with my mom and dad and my dog that I missed them terribly. I came to the realization that the rest of my life is going to be full of visits, hellos and goodbyes. It is always going to be like that! Originally that depressed me but now I've sort of accepted it. That's life.

After a few days I got back into the swing of RMC life. I went back to the gym, continued dieting, went back to work and readjusted to the life I had before I went home for the holidays. By day two at the gym, I had injured my wrist somehow. I was using this arm rotator machine and my hand slipped off the handle and slammed into the middle console. Ouch. I had to leave the gym early because it hurt so badly. It has been bugging me off and on.

New Years was awesome. I went to the Sisters' party for a little bit and ate some delicious food. Then I went out with the Mercy Volunteer Corps to the Tattooed Mom, a bar on South Street in Philly. We had a grand time of merriment, champagne, and camaraderie. I got at least four free drinks from various guys that night and a delayed New Years kiss from a stranger. We were talking and he said, "I just want to kiss you right now." So in super diva New Years fashion I looked at him, smirked and said, "then do it." I love living on the edge. :P

On New Years Day I went to see the Mummers Parade on Broad Street. That was awesome. I took tons of pictures which you can find on Facebook. I really enjoyed my time with the Mercys and was so glad I got the opportunity to watch the Mummers Parade live. I was hugged by drunk Mummers and got my picture taken with a really nice older Mummer and his float. I got to see the end of the Comics, all of the Fancies and the first two String Bands. The bands didn't perform because they were waiting to be judged at City Hall. By the time I got home from my adventures I got to watch the String Bands perform on TV.

The New Year at work has been a blur. I modified one of my tutoring programs to a more concrete structure and I've been busy with various odds and ends. The past few days have been going by so quickly since I've been busy. Overall work has been great.

As for health, I finally got medicines for my cough. I've got antibiotics and a codeine based cough syrup. I love the cough stuff because it helps me sleep at night. The only downfall is that I'm pretty sedated and drowsy for the next day. I'm only going to take it one more night since my cough is just about gone anyway.

For the weekend I'm probably going to Catholic Underground on Saturday night and just relaxing and working out. Next weekend I'll be in Sea Isle City with our community. That is bound to be a blast.

So far 2010 is great and life is good. Until next time....

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

Merry Christmas to all! Today is Christmas day, a day that I feel like I've been waiting for, for quite some time. It isn't because I was excited about presents or that Christmas is my favorite holiday. (I enjoy it but it isn't...the 4th of July is my favorite holiday haha). I think it has something to do with attending Advent prayer every Sunday night for the past four weeks. There is a heavy focus on "waiting." Waiting for the birth of Christ, waiting to spend some quality time with my family, waiting for a break from work.

Christmas was nice. While my mother kept apologizing for "lack of presents," I worked hard to make sure my family had a great Christmas present wise. "It isn't much dear, I'm sorry," my mother said. I really didn't mind. All I wanted for Christmas was Greys Anatomy Season 5 and I got it. I also got a beautiful dress, some clothes, a nice blanket made for my college graduation, a photo album and a pillow. I am thankful for everything ! Christmas isn't about presents anyway. I'll be sure to reinforce that mindset when my friends call me, bragging about their new Wiis, Iphones, cameras and Blackberries.

Even though I only get $100 a month and am in credit card debt up to my eyeballs, I bought my parents each a DVD, my mom a bottle of Irish Cream and a WWII book. I used the rest of my birthday gift card to get my grandmother a Philadelphia Book (Philadelphia Then and Now) which she loved. No gift could ever bring me as much joy as watching my grandmother immerse herself in that Philadelphia book, recollecting all her fond Philadelphia memories. I finally got her something she will enjoy and cherish.

This Christmas season was reinforced with Advent prayer. I got to enjoy a beautiful December snow. I got to help decorate our house and participate in what felt like multiple Christmases.

The true meaning of the season is God, friends, family and joy.

Spirit of Christmas

I think my four Christmas seasons at College came and went due to finals. Christmas was a blur, a single day to enjoy gifts, God and seafood. (My family has a traditional seafood Christmas dinner). This Christmas is different. While, I really don't think I got into Advent as much as my peers and the Sisters did, I did feel that certain warmth and joy that comes with the season.

Exhibit 1: I've never ever for as long as I can remember, gotten my grandmother something on my own. My family will get her a sweatshirt or a picture frame or a movie each Christmas. It isn't because I don't care, or don't love her. No, it is because she is 86 and she doesn't need/want anything. This year I originally got her a book on WWII, but then my mother had told me she wanted that book. My mother NEVER asks for anything for Christmas. I have no clue what to get her...ever. So I was stunned that she spoke up with interest in the book. I decided to give her the book and find something else for my grandmother. I went to Barnes and Noble and sure enough I found the PERFECT gift. "Philadelphia Then and Now." A book with pictures of Old Philly and present day Philly. I knew she would love this book with all its landmarks of her past. This is something she would read, enjoy and possibly cherish. I decided to use the other half of my Barnes and Noble gift card from my birthday to help pay for the present. The thing is, I didn't even think twice about it. "Christmas is about not being selfish" I thought to myself as I happily handed the remainder of my birthday present over to the cashier. I was too happy to get something my mother wanted AND something my grandmother would actually love.

Exhibit 2: I've been privileged to witness people being kind to others. One day I was in Dollar Tree and the woman in the checkout line behind me was crying. A man gently asked her if she was ok. She said "No...I'm sorry....I just recently lost my mother and this Christmas music is really screwing me up." As it turns out, the cashier lost her mother 10 years ago and she still felt like it was yesterday. AND the man had lost his mother 5 years ago. My friend and I couldn't express empathy but instead, expressed sympathy. My friend said "People who tell you that everything is going to be ok are full of shit." To which the woman started laughing. Then she began to cry some more and said "I'm sorry, this is so embarrassing. Now I'm crying because you all are being so nice to me." She left the store but not after all of us wished her a Happy Holidays. It really was one of those moments you watch in the movies.

Exhibit 3: At work I helped set up a Holiday Door Decorating Contest for the residents. I had seven participants and I asked three Sisters to be the judges. A winner on each floor would win a new watch. The contest was a huge success. Winners were chosen and the Sisters decided they would donate $10 for each contestant who did not win a prize. So everyone won! It was such a touching day. In fact, one of the winning doors had a letter to Santa. The first thing the letter asked for was "A house for Mommy..." Yes, the entire staff got chills. It was the sweetest, most innocent thing ever. I was pleased how everything turned out.

Today I also was given a gift card from a co-worker which is great because I'm broke. AND, another co-worker gave me her prized nativity with the instructions "when you look at this think of me." I wasn't expecting anything, not even the wonderful Christmas cards I've received so far this year.

The generosity is almost abundant. A few days ago I had to unexpectedly work a 12 hour day. I didn't have money for food and I was kind of worried about getting hungry. Another co-worker gave me $10 so I could get something for dinner. There really is something truly magical about the season.

I have also witnessed a 23 year old guy come to a holiday party for our residents, volunteer, and play Santa for the little kids. My friend Sarai bought me a Phillies Santa hat for all the nice things I do for her and with her. Strangers just seem happier and more friendly this time of year.

So in the spirit of Christmas I share this good news with you.

Until next time...

Let's take a look back,shall we?

It has been almost four months since I began my adventures with Redeemer Ministry Corps. I endured with joy the honeymoon stage where everything seemed in perfect harmony. Then I fell into reality where life wasn't perfect all of the time but it wasn't bad either. My body had to adjust to waking up early (for me) five days a week and working 8-12 hours a day.

In 3.5 almost 4 months I have changed a lot. The biggest change is physical, for I am now happy to report to the world that I have lost a total of 20lbs. It is starting to really show on the outside. This rapid weight loss is due to working out three days a week and trying to eat somewhat healthy or healthier than I have been in the past. My hair is a lot longer and is almost half light brown and half blond for my roots continue to grow each day.

I think I have grown in flexibility and adaptability. My position at Project Rainbow did not exist until I became a full time volunteer here. Now I'm not sure this facility could operate as well as it does without this position. Notice I say position, not me. In 3.5 to 4 months I now have two fully functioning tutoring programs that the kids really look forward to going to. I have created a fully functioning library that the moms love to visit and check out books and games for their families. I have been given other responsibilities such as setting up and facilitating the monthly birthday parties for the residents. I'm getting better at teaching my social and emotional class for my school aged kids. I've been on top of completing my assessments for kids 5 and under. I think I've gotten the swing of things. I can give you a tour of our facility and sound like I've worked here for over 20 years. :) Looking back, it feels as if I literally fell into this ministry site and was fortunate enough to make all the right choices (for the most part).

I can honestly say that I've prayed more in the past 3.5 to 4 months than I have in the past four years. I'm still working on that aspect of my life even though I have abundant resources to help me out.

I find that going without certain things/people allows you to appreciate them more. Therefore I really miss my family and I am stoked to go home for Christmas! I miss William and Mary more than ever. We lost our semi final game against Villanova the other day. Yesterday was Gaudete Sunday. I kind of felt a little homesick for Williamsburg since CCM puts on a beautiful Gaudete mass. I was lucky enough to go to Mary Mother of the Redeemer for mass yesterday. (I think I've mentioned it before but it is a church 30 min away that I really enjoy).

Our community really feels like a family. Sister Alphonse (who I affectionately call Alphie) is my drink/snack buddy. She was also my baseball buddy during the Phillies post season. Sister Kathy Rose is my tv show buddy, we watch Greys Anatomy and House together. Whenever I need a little sunshine I can go to Sister Barbara. She always has the best stories and she is a really good cook too. Speaking of good cooks, Joan has been baking a lot of Christmas cookies lately! I go to Joan when I need a laugh and also when I have something deep and personal I want to share. I connect to Sister Katharina on a deep level too.

Connie and Stephen and I have made an active effort to build our own community. We went ice skating at Penn's Landing on Saturday night. We had a great time even though I was never meant to be on ice. I clung to the wall most of the evening. At one point three Navy guys tried to help me out but I think I was beyond help. Last night Connie and I watched White Christmas. I love that movie since it reminds me of home. My family watches it every Christmas. :)

This weekend (Saturday night actually) Stephen and I also went to a JVC party. We got to meet a lot of the JVC volunteers from the East Coast. I'm glad we got the opportunity to network with more individuals our age. It was a blast and I'm pretty sure we got back home in the wee hours of the morning.

Personally I'm working on my listening skills. I want to talk less and listen more. There is a certain value to conversation. It is a two or four or even seven way street. I need to continually remind myself that it is not a one way street. :)

It has only been 3.5 to 4 months and look how far I've come. There is still much to be explored. Much to be experienced. Much more to be developed and improved within and about myself, my ministry and my life. At times I get frustrated and down on myself because I'm naturally hard on myself but then I get these breaks when I remember all the things I've already overcome. I can't even imagine what the remainder of the volunteer year has in store for me!

Until next time...

Mirror Mirror on the Wall....

...what does my future hold, if anything at all?

-corny I know. (and to think I call myself a writer).

Tomorrow I'll be headed to a meeting at the School District of Philadelphia to learn more about the resources we have to improve homeless children's' education. Part of me is like, woah, I've got another meeting at the School District of Philadelphia, I'm a grown up! The other part of me is like woah, the School District of Philadelphia headquarters is right next to the Philadelphia Inquirer building.

What am I going to do as I pass the Inquirer to go to my meeting?

Stare at it. For approx. 15 seconds and sigh.

I really don't understand the point of living in the present. I know it has something to do with realizing what you've got and not what you can attain. The one thing I struggle with the most in this program is figuring out what to do after it. I'm not in a rush to get out of here. If anything, I wish I could sign up for an additional year. I don't really trust anyone to do my job next year as a Youth Advocate yet sources tell me this facility relies on interns and unpaid volunteers to run. Therefore I'll surely be replaced. After all, this non-profit does not have the money to hire me after my work for free year is over.

So I'm trying to prepare myself for what is next. The fun part is, I have no idea! Part of me wants to slink back to journalism and write my ass off while sucking up to corporate America. The good, wholesome, do-gooder part of me wants to find a job that serves people and makes changes for good OR another volunteer position that pays more and allows me to serve people and do good. Journalism and social work are two very different fields. Journalism is kind of a self-gratifying career. Its almost selfish. You write for your readers but your name is highlighted in bold on the byline. Social work is a work for nothing but change lives kind of career. You get paid crap, you put up with crap, you realize that you can't help everyone but you do get an opportunity to change a life or two. How many people can say journalism changed their life?

When I get out of this program I need something that pays enough for me to knock out my bills, live on my own and pay for insurance on my car/self/life. I know I won't be a minute made millionaire but I'd like to not live below the poverty line. Ideally, I've said this before, I'd like to stay in Philly. There is a lot of opportunity here and I really love the area.

Its funny. People tell you that you don't have to have one career your whole life. They say you can write, serve, sing and invest. When you're in my position you have to make all the right moves. I can try to work for another non-profit but that's to get money to get on my feet. If I want to make money to oh, I don't know, buy a dog or a new car, I need to seek a promotion. Promotions come with advanced education. So what would I go back to school for? That is where it gets difficult. I don't even have money to go back to school. If I did, what would I study? I only get one chance until I make enough money to go and study something else for a new career. So it is a one shot kind of thing. If I go to school for social work I could be a case worker, counselor, youth advocate or program director. If I go to school for marketing I could be a marketing professional designing advertisements and stuff. If I just get an MBA I can work in college administration as an admissions advisor or some sort of high up job in college. If I go to school for journalism, I could possibly get hired by a big newspaper such as the Inquirer. The possibilities are endless and that's not always a good thing.

Much like a chess game, I have to plan my first step and hope its the right one. Yet everyone gets on me for constantly thinking about the future. "Make the most of the present!" Ok, but I worry I'll still be clueless in a year and I'll be working for McDonald's with non English speaking individuals. What am I qualified for? How can I make the most impact on the world?

My dream job would involve me being a journalist for a travel magazine. I'd get paid to travel the world and write about it. I'd settle for covering stories about murder, drugs, and political scandals for Philadelphia though.

While I'm at work I sometimes stop and think about the present moment. "Woah, I'm at MY desk. Woah, this is MY workplace. Woah, I have to lead a meeting today or assess a family tomorrow." I realize that this is the real world and I have a lot of responsibility for someone who just graduated college and I LOVE IT.

I suppose every 20 something goes though this phase in life. That is, unless you're in law school, business school or some other graduate school. Then you know what you want to do. I don't think I'm cut out for law school but I am toying with the idea of going to business school. I can't help but feel limited by the unlimited.

All in all work has been fine, its picking up because of the holidays. Community is fine, half my house is sick and I think I've just caught the bug myself. Spiritual life is shaky as usual. Love life is non-existent. I am doing just fine but yes, I miss my family and all my friends very much. I'll be home for Christmas the 23rd-29th. :)

Until next time...

I'm Thankful for Fiber, Alcohol and Family

Dearest friends, it is that time of year again the "Holiday Season." While my time here in PA has brought me many new adventures it has also brought me new experiences. For example, I suffered from a severe bout of homesickness yesterday. It finally sunk in that I would not be spending Thanksgiving with my family. My friends called to see if I would be coming home and I had to break it to them that I wouldn't be. My family thought it would be weird that I wouldn't be home but they were ok with it. Stephen's family were coming down to visit and Connie was going to work all day so it was going to be me...

Well me and the whole community. I started off the morning rocking my red dress with a black shirt over it making it a red skirt. Then I wore calf high boots and my grey scarf I recently bought. I looked cute if I do say so myself. At mass I was the second reader which was nice and afterwards I met Stephen's whole family. Then I took my seat with some of my favorite people and enjoyed a spectacular meal.

Afterwards I went to the grocery store and joined the "Oh shit!" shoppers. The "Oh shit!" shoppers are the people that realize they are missing a key ingredient to their Thanksgiving feast and they go "Oh shit! I forgot the cranberry sauce or Oh shit! I forgot the dinner rolls." So they rush to the store and get what they need. Fortunately I was not in the oh shit crowd. I needed to buy snacks for the kids at work that do homework help/club. I also needed baked goods because I owe some people baked goods at work. So then I spent the next two hours sipping on a cold beer and baking a banana loaf, strudel, and pumpkin spice cookies.

After that I went out for a ride with Katharina to find a coffee joint that might be open on Thanksgiving. We couldn't find anything but now I know where the mall is (its so close) AND I kind of saw people wrapping up their thanksgiving dinners through this windows on the drive home. Creepy I know, but it was nice.

Then I went to prayer, ate some food and now I'm here. All in all it was a good day. I did miss home and my family and I can also tell that some of my family is still pissed at me but whatever. I have to work tomorrow but it should only be a half day. Then I'm going to my RMC Director's house to play touch football with her sons and their friends. After that I'm going to enjoy pizza and beer. It should be a good time.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Until next time....

............

I don't know what to put as my clever title. I don't know what this picture means. I don't know much because I am just so unsure.

Right now my mood is calm and indifferent. I'm not overly happy and I'm not overly sad. I'm not stressed out but I'm not bored. I'm not feeling great but I'm not feeling crappy either. I am a bit tired both emotionally and physically.

I've been trying to spend the past few days re-evaluating my purpose in life. Or rather, trying to remember the signs and steps that got me into this volunteer program. I read my reflections from when I was trying to figure out what ministry site I wanted to be placed in. My initial concerns with working at the transitional housing program in the city were:

1) being so busy that I wouldn't be able to visit the Mother house and the Sisters who I became good friends with

2) being in an unstructured facility where I would have to be my own boss, push forward without waiting for constant pats on the back and be a policy maker

3) working with children/a field I have little to no experience with

4) surviving the commute from hell

Now check this out:

1) I see the sisters every Sunday for mass to the point I kind of feel obligated to go to mass at the Mother house when I'd kind of like to explore other churches too just to get a feel for other parishes in the area.

2) I have a boss who approves everything I do and there is a clear chain of command. I've made some policies and had to enforce some policies and I've been fine.

3) children love me and I have been making it up as I go along

4) the commute is a lot easier than it looked initially. Out of all the volunteers I have probably driven to the most places on my own

So what are my concerns now? I've put my whole heart and soul into my work and I have the positive feedback to show for it. Even though I worked 170.25 hours last month and this week I'm pulling two late nights one of which will be a 12 hour day... I just don't know. I've been told I'm doing great things and making the Sisters proud. I get compliments, praise and feedback about the programs I've instituted. However, I still find myself trying to figure out why I am here. Why am I here? What is the overall purpose? After this program I'm going to be broke and have to crawl back to the Eastern Shore with nothing to show for myself except a drained savings account and a year of experience. I'm three months in and I can't decide if I want to try to do journalism still or stick to a social service field. I love what I do even if at times my work kicks all the spirit and drive out of me.

Which I guess is what is happening now. I kind of sad a negative comment about the new campaign the health care system is putting in place. See, the health care system is going to change the computer wallpaper on all our office computers to their flyer with the new brand slogan. Initially I was angered by this. My background is my dog who when I'm sad I stare at for a few minutes. I didn't like the "force" aspect of it. So I said a few negative things about it to a few people. One of those people was my bosses boss who pretty much verbally bitch slapped me and reminded me of my place in the world. She put me in my place. I deserved it. However this woman has never said a negative thing (and meant it) about me or to my face. This was the first time and I realized how childish I was being. How else are you going to get everyone recognize the new brand? Not everyone will check their e-mails or read fliers posted around the building. Make the brand every one's new computer background and they will be forced to know what is going on. Besides, I wouldn't have a computer if it wasn't for the health care system.

So I suffered a personal downfall. I was unprofessional in a moment and I haven't recovered since. The normal person would bounce back and continue their work with the same passion and spirit. Me? I'm keeping my opinions...ALL my opinions to myself. My coworkers have already noticed that I'm quieter. But that isn't me.

I find that I'm highly emotional about everything. I'm angry more, I'm irritable more, I'm sad more, I cry over stupid things, I'm stressed easily. I think that since I started back on birth control pills I've been hormonal and emotional. It feels like circumstances that shouldn't bother me instead really upset me. I should just let everything roll off my shoulders but I let it bother me and then take those negative feelings and point them towards myself. "Why didn't I think of that solution? Why didn't I just keep my mouth shut? Why am I complaining about something so small and irrelevant?"

I don't know.

It is like my tiredness and stress is all self induced. My emotions are just self abuse and I can't explain it. Right now I'm content with being opinion less and quiet and docile.

I also have noticed that the lack of diversity in the new campaign has me on edge. I want to supply the marketing department with positive feedback and constructive criticism. Yet, who am I but an unpaid volunteer who is here for a year. I should be the "yes man" and not the little ball of fire that I'm turning into. My mouth is going to get me in trouble again but now I have a reasonable concern. I'm at a crossroads and I should probably just follow the roadsigns, keep my eyes on my work and keep my mouth shut.

Sigh.

Until next time....

--At least I get to go to a Philadelphia Flyers game on Saturday and I get to sit in the 'all you can eat' section. Hopefully I won't destroy my diet and all the painstaking efforts I've been making.

I Am My Own Punching Bag

I am my own punching bag. Apparently.

Work has been presenting me with some difficult situations that involve delegation and standing up for myself. There is this new program that some co-workers want me to start but they also expect me to run it too. I'm feeling stretched out sometimes like these people don't realize I am a full time volunteer. After one situation I spent the morning planning on how to defend myself from having to put in way more hours than I'm expected to. I did this instead of trying to find a solution to the problem which was: work with what you have and go from there. No, I'm too busy preparing a defense of how I'm not superwoman and instead I missed the most logical, practical, in your face solution. Additionally, I have spent all my time bitching about this new program instead of taking it for the team and trying to find the positive aspects of it. Therefore I come off as a bitchy, whiny maggot who crumbles under pressure and can't think for herself.

At least that is my self image. I have been told I beat myself up too much and my expectations for myself are so high that my stress is self induced. It is true. I noticed yesterday that I've gained 1 to 2 pounds. This could be due to the party I went to Saturday night where I drank a good amount and ate Philadelphia pizza at 3am. I was hard on myself for that too. I began scolding myself for letting myself go for a night. I have to really restrict my drinking when I go out. Its not a matter of getting drunk or stopping my alcohol intake. It all comes down to the calories. Alcohol is unnecessary calories. I began to continue me "no one will ever love you, you fat blob" mentality. Yes, self insulting is my motivation. I said before and I'll say it again, I can not lose weight for me. I'm pretty happy with the way I look and feel. I'm lazy about it too. But if my motivation is that I'm an invisible fat blob that guys accidentally bump into to get where they are going...then I'm motivated to work out and become visible and beautiful.

Unhealthy yes. Effective? yes. I'm my own punching bag. Yes.

Until next time...

Partly Cloudy

I wrote a facebook life update about the past month or so. After reading it, I realized that it is so incredibly happy go lucky and positive that it is almost not realistic. While yes, I've been doing pretty well at work and at home and in life in general, but there have been some struggles too.

Yesterday I had to be at work at 8am because Stephen has to be in work early to help our nurses. I came into work not feeling my best and knowing it would be a very long day. I was right. I did a developmental assessment in the morning and ran around like crazy throughout the day. I even had a "working lunch" where I worked and ate at the same time. I went to a really long staff meeting and then had to get ready to teach my class about emotions at 4pm. It was 3:45 and for some reason I had it in my head that I would start teaching at 4:30. I played a game of solitaire to calm my nerves only to remember at 4:15 that my class was supposed to start at 4pm! So I rushed over, late, to start my class. It could have went a lot better... I'm wondering if I'm even cut out to work with kids.

I get off work after 9 straight hours (including my working lunch) to go to a casual mass with the sisters at the Mother House. Apparently its "tradition" and we're "required" to attend. If it were any other day I'd be more than happy to attend but today I was dead on my feet. I pulled almost 9 hours on Monday too. So we drive to the service and while it was casual and wonderful, I couldn't really get into it. So I'm worried about the lack of balance in my life. I've got work pretty much under control, I'm trying to take care of myself by working out so I can lose the weight and eating healthy, I'm trying to be available to my community and I'm trying to maintain a consistent spiritual life.

Despite my efforts I feel like my spiritual life is going down the tubes because I'm so self absorbed. My diet/exercise is working but my work outs 3 days a week pulls me away from the community. Monitoring what I eat every day is like a full time job. Have you ever been consciously aware of everything you put into your mouth??? Its exhausting. I used to just eat and not care. Now I have to monitor calorie counts, carbs, fat intake, sugar intake, and drink a lot of water. I feel like I have work under control but this week has been crazy and I'm just so exhausted when I get home I want to go to bed early. Lack of balance. Where is God in my work? Why am I so self absorbed? Additionally I use a self-defeatist attitude in order to motivate myself to exercise. Instead of a positive approach like "this is great for my body, I'm being healthy." I say to myself "no one will even consider you attractive until you lose this weight. Right now you are an invisible blob that any decent guy would overlook in a second." Horrible, I know. Despite my negative approach, it really does push me to continue my diet and exercise and feel good about it. This is the longest I have ever stuck to a diet/exercise routine. I'm coming up on week 3. I'm at a standstill with a 6lb loss. My scale lies to me each morning saying I've lost 8-12lbs and then at night tells me I'm back up to where I started. Its all relative, I shouldn't weight myself daily, its water weight...etc. I know all this but I need to see progress in order to believe it is working. If I don't see any progress I will give up and just accept a permanent single fat lifestyle.

I also feel like I'm on the brink of some huge discovery or life changing event that is positive. Have you ever gotten the feeling that something is going to happen and you just don't know when? I feel that way now even if its just some kind of emotional bullshit. My emotions are pretty maxed out right now. My hormones are out of whack and my mind is racing with new discoveries and nostalgia for old ones. Additionally I'm still anxious about the future. I kind of qualify for Youth Advocate positions and I'm pretty sure I want to stay in the Philly area. I love living so close to a city and I really love working in the city. Yes, I don't need to worry about the future today but it is good to get the ball rolling.

So over all I'm exhausted emotionally, physically and it appears spiritually. I'm surviving, enjoying life, enjoying work even when it kicks my ass and wondering if life changing events and discoveries are in my future or if its just wishful thinking. The nostalgia is killing me, like a drill bit driving itself through my heart, but I'm working through it. My grandmother is back to 100% and my community is getting closer with each other every day. I even had a heart to heart with Stephen in the car this morning about relationships (which could explain my nostalgia). One really good thing is that the Phillies are still rocking the Post Season and I love living in the home city of my favorite baseball team. I have an unhealthy obsession with Shane Victorino but it just translate to a lot of support for him and the team. My room is starting to look like Fever Pitch Phillies style with enough Phillies newspaper clippings to make you think its a new wallpaper. I'm obsessed.

Until next time...

5 lbs to Freedom

It has been 1.5 weeks since I started my diet. I have cut out just about all white breads, soda, most candies/cookies/sweets, and things that could be fattening. I have not become a counting calorie individual but rather a calorie aware individual. I'm trying to always be aware what is going into my mouth/stomach. I have learned the following:

I can't believe its not butter spread 50 cal and 50 cal from fat. IT IS ALL FAT! Stupid "healthy" butter.....

Mayonnaise...we know its not good for you...90 cal and its 90 cal from fat. IT IS ALL FAT TOO! So you might just as well spread a bottle of lard onto your sandwich.

You burn calories sitting, eating, showering, sleeping, talking and typing! Its not a lot, but yes, you do burn calories while doing these activities.

8 glasses of water a day goes a long way!

This is pretty much all I have learned the past week and a half. In good news, I have officially lost 5 lbs. According to the doctor, I have to lose 50lbs...well...45 more to go. If I could lose 5 lbs every two weeks I could lose the weight in 9 weeks!

Utopian thought.

Anyway I've been working out three days a week, watching what I eat, and trying not to feel guilty if I enjoy a spoon of ice cream or a square of chocolate. I hate how this is a lifestyle choice and a life sentence. I don't know if I have the energy to be calorie conscious..I mean aware...for the rest of my life. I'm pretty sure I've developed a disorder already. haha For example, I had two hot dogs today PLUS my lunch. My boss made everyone hot dogs to celebrate the post season opener for the Phillies today. I LOVE hot dogs. They are pretty much my fav food ever. So I had two, one with a bun and one without and then my little bagel sandwiches, carrot sticks, yogurt..etc. I'm regretting that second hot dog now. I am trying to figure out a good way I can work out to get rid of the extra calories!

That is borderline obsessed. See? I'm developing a disorder. A healthy one of course.

Until next time....

Life Updates are Always Good

Life Updates are Always Good. My last post was one of self pity about halfway through September. Yes, I got news I had to lose 50lbs to not die. Well life got worse as the weeks went on. Two weeks ago my grandmother suffered a TIA, it is a mini stroke. She was mixing up her words and speaking nonsense. It scared the hell out of me. Saturday night I was having a friend over for a "girls night" with Connie at our house. I'm driving home from the grocery store and I call my mom to tell her about my super sweet bargains. My mom tries to work the news into the conversation but ultimately my dad interrupts and says "Mom Mom is in the hospital."

It takes everything in me not to pull a U-turn on the Pike and drive down to Cape May at that moment.

After they explained the situation to me about 100 times, I understood my grandmother was on the phone with my Aunt and started speaking gibberish. My Aunt and Uncles rushed to her house and called 911. She was put in the ER but released the same day. My mom was then scheduled to drive up to South Jersey on Sunday. It was really difficult but I eventually convinced my family to let me see my grandmother on Sunday as well. I was borrowing a GPS at the time and Connie and Stephen have their own cars if they needed to go anywhere. Originally my family did not want me to go. I'd be in the way, there was nothing I could do...etc. After persistence I managed to convince my mom that yes, I was going to see my grandmother on Sunday because she might not know who I am next week. Connie and Stephen decided to accompany me on this journey so we drove 2 hours to South Jersey on a Sunday afternoon for a 40 min visit with my grandmother. Then we drove 2 hours back. I have good friends.

Seeing her was hard but I felt so much better. My mom planned to stay with her during the week and the family had to figure out arrangements for her if necessary. It was crazy. Then it gets worse. By Weds I noticed that I had 7 active cysts with 1 draining. I began to get concerned so I went to the doctor. The doctor gave me an appointment for the same day. This was good and bad. It was good because I didn't have to wait until mid October but it was bad because it was scheduled during community night, the one night a week that we're all supposed to eat and do an activity together. Plus having a dr appt scheduled for the same day you call makes it seem like an emergency so I had to explain why I was going to the doctor to all my community members.

I have a condition that causes lesions not cysts. It is kind of a side condition of PCOS which I also have. The doctor prescribed weight loss. No, not medicine. Weight loss. I was told the symptoms would virtually disappear if I lost weight. I had to start by eating right and work up to exercise since sweat would irritate the lesions. She also ordered some kind of iodine based scrub to keep the lesions clean.

Weight loss. Are you effing kidding me? No pills to help a diet..nothing. I was told to limit dairy and cut carbs as much as possible. I'm a bread eating fiend so this was like the worst life sentence one could ask for.

After all of that I was overwhelmed and depressed. I didn't have time to exercise. I paid $20 to have a Dr tell me to lose weight which is what all health care officials seem to be telling me lately for various reasons. I fell into a serious slump. I began to hate life and work and everything. I was irritable because I felt I had to eat cardboard basically and nothing else. I felt ugly, unwanted and self pitied every day. Fat. Ugly. Loser.

This combined with the incident with my grandmother made me so tired I could barely function. That weekend I had to work the Sister's Oktoberfest ALL WEEKEND. We're talking 12pm-7pm Sat and 9:30am-7:30pm Sun. Sure we got free food, free beer and breaks but it was a lot of work. I just wanted to go to sleep! After an overwhelming week that was not what I needed. So I didn't get to recover this weekend.

On Monday (this past Monday) I finally made it to the gym. I ate dinner and skipped evening prayer so I could work out a little bit. After the gym I was so exhausted I just wanted to crash and never wake up. I felt good that I finally got to exercise but I was still tired from the past week and the weekend. That night I lit some candles and just prayed about all the shit in my life. From my lost name tag to my tiredness. I asked for strength and confidence in myself.

On Tuesday I woke up feeling slightly refreshed. A co-worker found my nametag in a closet I was working in. I began to become adjusted to my diet and learning that I could have cookies once and awhile. My body was still physically drained but my spirit was renewed at least. I was rewarded with the most unsuspecting surprise. FREE PHILLIES GAME TIX! Our friends from Mercy Volunteer Corps scored 3 free Phillies game tickets and gave them to me, Connie and Stephen! I found this out about halfway through the day. I was planning on going out to the store to get groceries since I had to cook Weds night. Well that plan was botched because Phillies trump everything.

I hurried to get my work done, raced home, changed into my Phillies gear, ate a quick sandwich and drove to the Mercy's to get the tickets. We had a great time. The Phills beat the Astros 7-4! I got my first baseball game beer and the hot dog was as good as ever. I even bought a $5 Nat League East Division Champs shirt from 08. The stadium gave us rally towels too. It was such a good night.

Exhausted on Weds, I woke up and went to work. I left at 4 so I could pick up the groceries and have dinner ready by 6pm. And that I did! I felt like a supermom or something. I was running on fumes but I had a delightful dinner ready all by myself. Pork chops, peas, asparagus, potatoes and cinnamon strudel for dessert. The game and prayer/reflection went well too. So A+ on leading my first community night. I ironed and de-linted my shirt, made my lunch, showered and was in bed by 10:30am.

I woke up early this morning with the hopes I could play a radio contest. The winner gets $100,000 and 2 Priuses. I couldn't get through but on my way to work I fantasized as to what I'd do with $100,000. I'd pay off my loans, give my parents a lot so we wouldn't have a mortgage anymore, pay off my bills, give some to my grandmother, then buy an Iphone, get my hair professionally colored and put the rest in savings so after a year I could get an apartment and have a car ready to go. Yeah..right...like that would ever happen. It was fun to daydream on the commute though.

So here I sit, running on E. I'm exhausted physically but my spirit is strong and my attitude is positive. I'm going to the gym directly after work today. Got the gym bag in the trunk. I'm being proactive with my weight loss plan. I'm constantly aware of what kinds of food goes into my mouth. I don't stalk calories but I try for health(ier) options whenever possible. My coworkers had McDonalds today and it almost killed me to smell it as I ate my peanut butter and fluff sandwich (which was a good treat), carrot sticks, sun chips and yogurt. I've been eating 45 cal a slice soft wheat bread and avoiding dairy for the most part. I don't eat biscuits or cookies or crackers as much. I avoid snack crackers and instead opt for fruit or veggies. I was told I could eat all the meat and vegs and fruit I want. I'm craving meat right now, haha. I think I'm going to make it though the week and I have a pretty restful weekend planned. I'm trying to get out to a club on Sat night to see Jason Derulo perform, but that may or may not happen. My grandmother has just about fully recovered. I feel great about myself as I strive for improvement. Life is beautiful.

Until next time...