I'm Rallying

Holy mother of exhaustion. The car crash nightmares. The feeling of chronic fatigue even after 8 hours of sleep. The trance-like disassociation I experienced. It felt like I was out of my body and watching it. I'd go to the grocery store and aimlessly wander the aisles like someone on a drug trip, not sure of my goal and overwhelmed how to achieve it. The simplest tasks were gargantuan. I'd sit on the bus and just pray to close my eyes and open them and be home without the effort. Eating was tiring. Everything hurt.

This is how the past week has been. Things are a little better, as I'm now just a tad groggy instead of full out depleted every day. The nightmares are taking a break. In fact, two nights ago I dreamt of Kate Middleton and reconciling with an old friend. Good dreams. The upswing started after I spent 45 minutes curled in a ball at the foot of my bed with the window open, just listening to the noises outside and concentrating on my breathing.

I've never been this bad.

My comprehensive exams are next week and its funny....I'm not even worried. I'm just going to knock them out, try my best and enjoy the 6 whole days I will have to just focus on journalism and journalism alone. No work, no chores, probably some exercise so I don't go crazy. But overall, just eating, sleeping and doing journalism projects. I'm excited! That seems like a break for me! Also, I enjoy journalism so much I'm bound to love composing my projects. I'm not nervous or dreading it. I'm ready.

But I'm exhausted. Work is taking it's toll on me. We keep getting new clients ever day. That means children need to be assessed and enrolled in our childcare on top of the myriad of meetings, committees and other work obligations which are expected of me. We just did a timeline of a client's journey from before they reach us to move out and after care. Many of their stepping stones and program opportunities are made possible by ME. After hearing my name so many times, it makes sense why I am so tired all the time.

Then comes the anxiety. The nightmares. The sleep which seems pointless. The anxiety over being tired. The anxiety over being anxious. It all sort of collides together. I'm lucky I didn't have a breakdown. I'm lucky I made minor changes to find some solace in the chaos.

Today I'm tired but almost relieved. I have one more day of work (Monday) before my comps break. I'm spending the weekend running a 5K, doing laundry, reading for comps and preparing for the week ahead. I've designated my dining room table to be my "comps command center" and house all the materials I need for these exams.

Breathe. Stretch. Shake. Let It Go.

Until next time...

Whoop There It Is

Have you ever misplaced your keys and spent massive amounts of time searching for them? You feel completely anxious and panicked. How about when you try to figure out a complex problem and mull over possible solutions. Ever feel hopeless as if this solution-less state will never end?

When we hit snags, especially ones that don't resolve quickly, we get lost in the hopelessness of the all. We feel stuck and the notion of getting unstuck seems incredibly far fetched. We keep trying to get unstuck but eventually the hopelessness gives way to apathy.

That is until something magical happens. We find the keys in their obvious place. The solution to the complex problem suddenly dawns on you. You pull free of the snag.

That instantaneous feeling of joy and relief immediately erases the buildup of anxiety and dread you just went through. A weight is lifted off of your shoulders and you pretty much forget all about how stuck you felt and how long you felt that way. You solved the problem. Onto the next one.

Oftentimes we say "I'll never XYZ" But when we actually do XYZ, we're so elated we've forgotten that cynical struggle.

I have this inkling that I'm about to break free of a terrible snag. That something is going to give, really soon, even though I'm not quite sure what it is going to be. The moment I break free, all my pain and doubt and cynicism is going to just vanish. I'm going to be in a minor state of shock, disbelief and find new ways to adjust to that feather-light feeling of sweet freedom and solution.

I'm going to be able to say "Free At Last!"

I'm just not sure how, why or when. But soon, I feel it will be very soon.

Until next time...

Sometimes Not Doing What You Have To Is The Best Decision

This weekend, everyone on the East Coast, specifically in the Northeast, got a taste of what it is like to live in Seattle. It rained. Heavily. The entire weekend. It. Did. Not. Stop. Until. This. Morning.

You get the point.

I had a bunch of writing projects due both for school and for the magazine. Rainy weekend = perfect opportunity to finish such tasks. Apparently the rain contributed to my lethargy and I found it painstakingly difficult to produce meaningful words and complete sentences. On Saturday alone it took me several hours to give birth to a 900 word essay about the art culture in Philadelphia.

Saturday night proved to be interesting. Ugh, proved to be. I think I wrote that phrase a million times this weekend. Anyway, I went to see HAIR the musical at Temple's theatre for class. I had to write a review on it. As soon as I get there I learn that its general seating and there is a giant mob in the front lobby eagerly awaiting entry to the show. I take my place in line, hand in my ticket and try to find a nice spot to sit...preferably an aisle seat. I find a good one only to learn it is reserved. Nevermind.

I contemplate going to the other side of the theatre but it looks difficult to get over there. I ask a guy sitting one in from the aisle if I can sit there, he obliges.

I'm three rows from the front.

The actors muddle around, hugging various people and looking super excited and well..out of character. Until the lights dim and they scurry to their places. Within the first five minutes I've seen a bare ass, full frontal man bits, a guy in a banana hammock oh..and watched him give the usher a lap dance. Then banana hammock guy (Berger...the character btw) sticks his foot in a noose and swings across the audience twice. This whole time I'm like "WHAT IF HE FALLS ON ME" or "WHAT DO I DO?"

Needless to say, I was a tad uncomfortable. We'd broken intimate boundaries a little to quickly for my taste. That and the fact the actors perform in the aisles so there was always someone creeping next to me. I began to relax a bit when I tuned into the singing. These kids were incredibly talented. Like...beautiful professional quality voices talented. I began picking out my favorite singers and eagerly awaiting their next ballad. The show started to get fun.

The second act was one big LSD trip. The ending is depressing BUT everyone is happy after the curtain call as the entire audience and cast sing "Let the Sun Shine." Naturally, my favorite ensemble member saw me clapping and singing to the music so he grabbed my hand and led me to the stage. I got to clap and dance on stage with the cast. I left feeling...well..rejuvenated! It was a great show in hindsight and I'm glad I had the opportunity to go.

That is, until I stepped out into the torrential downpour that was Saturday night and got soaked on my way home. Sunday was supposed to be a Zumba and laundry day but guess who skipped both. Yup. Me.

I woke up early on Sunday to the sound of sheets of rain pounding my roof. I decided right then and there that I would not be going to Zumba. It wasn't worth getting drenched and being miserable. So I cancelled my class and stayed in. I was going to laundry when I finished my theatre review but that too took longer than expected. I finally made the executive decision to skip laundry.

What a great decision it was. Sometimes choosing not to do something you have to do is the best decision you can make. I was able to go over my finances, clean my apartment thoroughly, cook a nice dinner, shower and get in bed by 9:30pm. Splendid days.

Somehow this Monday is a tad more bearable.

Until next time...

March Madness

What can I say? I clean up nicely.

Welcome to March Madness, well, it has nothing to do with college basketball and everything to do with my arts and culture lifestyle. Between my Writing Arts Criticism class sending me to art galleries, plays, dance concerts, the opera and the theater and my position with Main Course, covering art galleries monthly (now even more), I am overly exposed to Philadelphia's art scene. I love it but it makes for an extra busy MA between work, school and everything else.

One thing that has not suffered and I am so thankful, is my devotion to fitness. Even when I'm barely awake after working late at work on a Tuesday night, I still drag my butt to the gym to work out. As you can see from the photo above, I'm getting results. :) My 5K training has been on hold, so I need to get back to running, but the fitness relationship is still going strong. Oh, and I eat pretty well to. I'm a big fan of homemade smoothies and salads and lean healthy meats.

When I'm not running all over the city or working or in school, I'm actually out having adventures. On St. Patrick's Day I went to a bar by school for a Guinness to celebrate the day. I had to pay a $5 cover to get into the Irish Pub. I hate covers. I didn't think it would be worth my time, but I went in anyway. After ordering my Guinness...ok well two and a shot of whiskey, I went to pay for my libations. Luck of the Irish! The cashier lost my tab! I told her what I ordered, because I'm a very honest person. She handed me a receipt that undercharged my order by A LOT. She waved it off, wished me a good night and left! I paid less than half of what I should have, so I tipped well to make up for it.

I was about to leave when I met this really nice couple. They offered me a shot of tequila and how could I possibly say no to free tequila. One shot and a few beers later (which I didn't have to pay for either) I had made new friends, enjoyed the live band, tried to decipher a bunch of authentic Irish accents and just overall had a great time. A highlight was when the Irish bartender tried to pretend a bottle of Bud Light was a bottle of expensive wine when a guy ordered it. He made a big show of the bottle and poured a little bit into a cup for the customer to smell, swirl and taste it. It was hilarious and I'm glad I got to be there for that spectacle.

As I walked home, happy from a night of interesting interactions, I thought about how many of my great stories should start with "So Mary Anna walks into a bar..." Usually, good things happen and friends are made, albeit for just the night.

Until next time....

Running on Sunshine

I've been running crazy, running on anxiety, running on sunshine, and literally running at the gym. A lot of running going on. I don't really like to run. My knees are crap. I grunt and wheeze and I lose my breath within 30 seconds of moderate jogging. But yesterday I registered for two 5K races with the goal of beating my 40 minute 5K time. Because, 40 minutes is fine, for an overweight wheezing asthmatic with bad knees, but I'm much healthier than I used to be. So I'm shooting for 34-35 minute 5K by May. As if I didn't already have enough going on.

Oh, and on a cold treadmill run I did a 13 minute mile. Runners would shake their heads at that but my goal was a 12 minute mile. To be only one minute over at my start of training is actually a really good thing.

So yesterday was a busy work day, I was groggy because daylight savings time destroys my circadian rhythms. However it turned out to be a great day. After a good run at the gym, I got an e-mail from school stating I'm in the top 10% of my class and will be inducted into Kappa Tau Alpha, the national journalism honor society. This is exciting because it is journalism's equivalent of Phi Beta Kappa. In other words, I is smart! It was great news. So great that I might have broken into an impromptu dance party in my kitchen.

The magazine has been going great. I'm starting to submit more articles beyond my monthly art column. Still putting freelance fingers into other outlets as well. We'll see what happens. The more I'm published the better I look (and the happier I am), so keeping up with that good work.

That is about it. Just running around all the time, trying to stay healthy, keeping my eyes on my goals, getting recognized for being smart and trying to keep it together (so far succeeding).

Until next time..

Livin At the Speed of Light

Friday I was up for 18 straight hours. Saturday night I closed down a bar. Sunday I had such a fierce workout I'm starting to notice very visual muscle definition around my abs. What a crazy weekend.

When you're an art columnist for a magazine and you're taking a Writing Arts Criticism course at the same time, you find yourself at a lot of arts and entertainment activities. Just this weekend alone I went to a contemporary dance performance, a modern art gallery, and I painted my own work of art at Painting With a Twist. I think I've been to more artsy events and galleries in the past 5 months than I have in the 4 years I've lived in PA. Also last weekend I was at an awesome concert in West Chester, PA. I saw Black Violin and got to meet them after the show. I bought one of their t-shirts and they signed it.

I'm starting to learn how to function properly with less than 8 hours of sleep. Between waking up due to loud noises in the apartment building and just having a jam packed schedule, I'm not getting 8+ hours. I cherish my sleep so much. However, I'm getting accustomed to 7 hours, which is still adequate according to the National Sleep Association and what not. I don't want to dip below 7 but if I can continue to function at this level, I won't complain.

Function is right. Between work, school, my new gym rat status, school events, magazine events, writing, writing writing and the occasional fun social event with friends...I'm running at the speed of light. I mean, Feb went by in a BLUR. But it was all good stuff. Being busy is good and I'm definitely happier when I've got a loaded plate. That and the fact I'm taking the gym seriously. I even workout on Tuesday nights after working late. Dedication.

Looks like it won't slow down anytime soon. Fortunately this weekend I will just be doing my GLP, or Gym, Laundry, Produce...but the following week I have dinner with one of my good friends, maybe the Flower show, and a few papers sprinkled in between. It is crazy but I love it.

Until next time...

It Is Tradition

I think at least 3 out of the 4 years I've had this blog, I've written a post on or about Valentine's Day. So, in keeping with the literary tradition, here we are.

We're all recovering from Winter Storm Pax, which completed inundated Philly with snow, sleet, ice, frozen rain...you name it. While walking to work I had to nearly wade through 5 inch deep slush puddles. The city is a mess. Snow, ice, limited parking, thick icy sidewalks are everywhere. Just this morning, there was a 50 car pileup on the Pennsylvania turnpike. So, I'm not sure how many people are in the lovey dovey mood. Most people are just sore from all the shoveling.

Alas it is Valentine's Day. Going with the adopted attitude "Love Hard and Love Fully," I'm here in a pink sweater with a purple bracelet. I had my cupid's choice donut this morning. My dad surprised me by mailing this hilarious singing Valentine's Day frog and a beautiful new watch to my work. That was really great. :-) I'm going to the gym after work because let's face it...I'm in love with City Fitness. Then I'm going to cook a delicious meal of fish and asparagus, drink some wine (already popped it in the fridge for tonight) and watch Valentine's Day in sweatpants. Sounds like a great day of love to me.

For me, it is not a single and alone kind of blues that makes me go into celebration overdrive on Valentine's Day. At least not this year. I think it is more this sort of knowledge that I can't have what I want. Perhaps also, a sort of resentment at the "be brave and tell someone you love them if you truly do" and "love prevails" attitudes. Because, no matter how glamorized those actions are, they often have disastrous consequences. The "don't give up on someone if you love them," philosophy is magnificently flawed. Love is a beautiful and wonderful thing, but it can also be crippling and damaging when you believe these tiresome mantras. It doesn't always work out and waiting and loving with everything you've got probably won't turn things around into the direction you hoped for. Just saying.

Love yourself first. Love hard and fully. Be mindful of your heart and don't let opportunities fly by because you're so fixated on not giving up on someone or even something.

Until next time....

I Write Things

Holy mother of February! Can't believe we're meeting so soon! It seems like yesterday that I was sitting in an art studio, drinking pink wine out of a stolen cup while trying to paint an exploding champagne bottle. However, that was 36 days ago. Sheesh.

Life continues to move at the speed of light. I hear that is what happens when you get older. You blink and 10 years have gone by or something along those lines. I'm gradually getting situated into my new routine. It is a bit difficult with bursts of snowstorms messing up my plans, but I'm trying to make it work. Looks like my gym evenings are typically Tuesday, Thursday, sometimes Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I have to work on meal planning though. Silly me thought I could live off my Super Bowl leftovers for a week. I did, sort of, but I was lacking key essential things such as more vegetables. I haven't had a green smoothie in about two weeks! Got to get back on that wagon. I haven't been eating badly, I just haven't been eating enough of the great for you stuff.

I'm grateful for a somewhat quiet weekend coming up. Lately it seems that I've got things popping left and right, and that holds true for the next couple weeks. Fortunately it is just a produce and homework kind of weekend with some gym and cleaning mixed in. Whew! Much needed.

Last night I went to my gym's member appreciation party. Which is hilarious because a) I really should have been at the gym instead and b) I've only been a member for less than a month and I'm already being "appreciated." Regardless, it was fun. They had an ice bar, an open bar, good music, the Olympics were on...all in all a good time. It was interesting, seeing the mix of people that were there. I even met a yoga instructor who double's as a magician's assistant and was even on America's Got Talent! Pretty cool.

Still writing. Got my column assignment tonight. I'm checking out an artist who draws little oil paintings on trashed soda and beer cans. I'm interested to see her work. This weekend I'm writing a review on "Philomena" (seriously one of the best movies I've ever seen) and a comedy article. Those two are for class but I can always shop that work out if I want. Got two out of three professors signed on for my comprehensive exams. One more to go! Then I schedule, sign and meet. I'm trying to take them the week before Easter.

I really need to write an essay about the PIT count and send it to Axis Philly, see what they have to say about that experience. Maybe I'll escape my lair for a bit this weekend and cozy up with some ice coffee at Starbucks. I suppose I could add that to the lax agenda of the weekend. I notice I'm making lists and agendas more in an effort to stay more organized. It seems to be working (duh) and I will probably continue this habit.

Happy Friday!

Until next time...

Weddings and Funerals

What. A. Week.

Last post I claimed sweet relief as I scrambled to fix a graduate school situation that could have prevented me from graduating (stupid scheduling/credit crap). Now, a week after that debacle, I feel kind of whiplashed. Not quite pistol whipped by life, because I feel a mixture of joy, sadness, excitement and pure exhaustion.

My parents arrived on Friday evening for my cousin Erin's wedding which was held on Saturday. Of course it snowed on Saturday morning which was great for Erin who wanted a snowy wedding but not so great for the Rodabaugh's as we tried (and almost failed) to navigate the pinelined streets of New Jersey. We reached the church in the nick of time, catching the beginning of the procession in. The wedding was nice, Erin looked stunning, and it was a Catholic mass so I knew all the responses. I finally learned those new ones (that have been in place for about 3 years now).

After the wedding we traversed the snowlaiden streets to the reception. We had a great time. Erin had a nice cocktail hour with delicious appetizers. Apparently my Uncle and I share a profound love for scallops wrapped in bacon. Dinner was delicious and my mom was especially excited about the "taste of Philly" table which featured cheesesteaks and soft pretzels. We drank and danced and had a blast. My cousin John Patrick gave the most epic speech that had us laughing and muttering "awww" at the same time. Was a great family adventure.

My parents stayed until Monday morning when it was time for me to get back to the grind. Unfortunately as soon as I walked in the door I got slammed with some bad news. A former resident from my work who was an active community leader/board member/networker passed away suddenly over the weekend. I met her last year at our annual gala and helped her get over her nerves before she gave a big speech to the audience. I became known as "the girl who helped me get through my speech" after that. When she'd come to my work on various occasions, she'd seek me out to say hello. She also introduced me to her friends as "the girl that helped me get through my speech." Needless to say in the short time I knew her, she meant a lot to me. As my parents drove off I sat at my computer completely shocked at the turn of events. She was young and had two children. I just couldn't wrap my head around that loss.

I didn't have much time to process the events because I had to work hard and head to school that evening. I started my Arts Criticism Writing class. The following day I worked late, helping the kids with the tutoring program I run. Then on Weds, I got up bright and early since I had to leave work early for school. Weds night I had my Writing Humor class and then it was on to my next adventure: the Philadelphia Point in Time Count.

From 12am-3am, I would team up with a group of people, be assigned a zone and literally count the number of homeless individuals we encountered, survey them, and give them a gift card. Of course nothing is as it seems for I was not assigned to a team at first. I met the other "free agents" by chance and eventually joined a team by association. It ended up being the best damn team I could have asked for. Four individuals from Project H.O.M.E. and their co-founder Sr. Mary Scullion joined us. (She's kind of a big deal in the social work world). We were assigned to part of downtown Philly/historic district and parts of Chinatown. Overall we found about 6-7 people, put 3 in overnight shelter, fed 3 and had a good night. I would definitely do it again!

As I crashed that morning, I was ever thankful for my nice warm bed. I got Thursday off due to the PIT Count running so late. Instead of sleeping my day away, I got up and did a ton of errands that I needed to do. Every year I host a girls only Super Bowl party, so I went grocery shopping to pick up a few things. I had a great conversation with a Trader Joe's worker about "what exactly does it mean to be gluten free?" Since a friend of mine is a gluten free vegan. Then I was in the checkout line and the cashier asked me if I warmed up with some coffee. I told her I was not having coffee that day since I had 20 oz of straight espresso the night before. I told her a little about the PIT count and as I was paying for my groceries she gave me a free candy bar "on Trader Joe's" for my work with the homeless. That was pretty cool. I left feeling great!

I also did my laundry since my parents were here for laundry weekend. It was a struggle and I didn't get home until 7:30pm. By then I was so tired I made a grilled cheese sandwich and passed out early.

Which brings us to this morning. I attended the funeral of our former resident. It was beautiful but emotionally draining. I left the funeral 2.5 hours later feeling exhausted. My brain eventually shut down around 5:30pm and by 6 I was staring at my computer trying to figure out what on earth I was going to eat for dinner tonight. I decided to skip the gym and get takeout. It was a great decision.

So a lot happened in a very short amount of time. I've run a gauntlet of emotions. Oh! Also, Main Course's website is up and running. My classes are going to be really fun (though I have to be more patient with undergrads...they are just learning and everything), I've got a lot of exciting things coming up again including my Super Bowl party, a concert, an art class, and a gym membership appreciation party. Never a dull moment, that is for sure.

Until next time...

As the Dust Settles

You know in the movies when there is some high tension moment and the main character has just seconds to disarm a bomb, or jump onto a train, or rescue someone from a burning building? Life can be like that sometimes. In the middle of a an acute crisis (because let's face it...we never really get advanced warning when a crisis hits) many people panic. I know I do, I start freaking out, cursing out inanimate objects, and picturing the end of the world.

Then it stops. I breathe. The resolve to make it through sets in. I remember when I was hospitalized for my gallbladder surgery. My best friend came to visit me and said "you're very calm." I was. It was at the point where I was hospitalized and I couldn't do a damn thing about any of it. I typically freak out before and after the storm, but in the thick of it, I am focused. Sometimes that makes me wonder if I'd be a good EMT. But I'm bad at math and you need to inject a lot of fluids sometimes.

Regardless of these doomsday musings, I did have an acute crisis pop up last night. While sitting in my Intro to Web Design class, thinking about how epic my final semester was going to be, I realized one very important thing: I was the oldest student in my class. Not only that, but this class was filled with sophomores and juniors in undergrad. That could mean only one thing...

I would not get graduate credit for this course.

Now, in J School, we have the option to take undergraduate classes for graduate credit if they are 3000 level or above. This was a 2000 level class. If I remained in this class that was going to teach me everything I wanted to know about web design, I would not graduate this May. I would be just 2 credits shy of graduating. I'd be left behind.

The good thing is that I realized this early on during the add/drop period. The last thing I needed was to waste hundreds of dollars on a class that would literally hold me back. I was devastated, though. I wanted to take that class more than anything. Web design is such a marketable skill which I want to build upon. But I had to find a replacement course if I wanted to wear a red cap and gown in a few months.

After the initial freakout, I actually got stranded on campus for 45min because SEPTA stopped running and failed to send a shuttle bus. I ended up hailing a cab and riding back to my apartment, miffed and just plain old tired. This morning I started making lists, weighing my options for various courses, examining my work schedule and tried to decide just what skills I need to learn before I graduate.

It came down to three courses, then two, then after a lot of pep talk and decision making...just one. I went to register and BOOM, denied. I needed to fulfill a prerequisite. It is funny because that requirement was for undergrads to prove they knew how to write journalistically, a skill I have mastered over the past two and a half years. I e-mailed the the professor. I e-mailed our program director. I e-mailed and called and panicked and waited.

By 3:20pm my crisis was over. I officially registered for Writing Arts Criticism, an upper level undergraduate course I could get graduate credit for which would teach me the skills necessary to write reviews on restaurants, museums, concerts and art galleries. A different kind of marketable skill if you will. I could take a Web Design workshop after graduation. Besides, I can't write a review for crap so hopefully I will learn a lot.

Writing Arts Criticism and Humor Writing.....should still be a decent semester.

Until next time...

I Have A Dream...

...That I Will No Longer Be Sick.

It is Monday, MLK day, normal people are off from work and school day. I'm at work and I'm still sick. This is day 5. I went from sore throat, to runny nose, to stuffy clogged nose, to painful breathing/coughing, to slightly better breathing/coughing to stuffy nose again. I've taken Dayquil, Nyquil, Mucinex, Cold Ezzz, Antibiotics, my inhaler, Halls cough drops, Benadryll...just about every cold/flu/allergy/sinus/cough drug you can think off. Obviously not at the same time..but the only thing that seems to be helping ever so slightly is the antibiotics. I can breathe without pain now, a much needed improvement from Saturday.

It felt like a less dramatic version of those medical shows where the patient is about to die and the doctor can give the patient medicine x or medicine y. They give the patient medicine x and hope for the best and BOOM it miraculously cures them in the nick of time! I think I saw that on House once. Anyway, that is what happened with the antibiotics because I could not breathe. It HURT to just BREATHE.

This is a death cold. It has been a LONG time since I've been hit this hard and for this long. Sadly I was the girl with the red nose and the tissues shoved up my sleeves at my magazine staff meeting. In fact, I was using hand sanitizer every 5 minutes. Also I'm fairly certain that little trip to the Northeast made me worse. I shouldn't have been out in the elements.

Yesterday was better, I still went out (I'm crazy) to the Ben Franklin Museum because it was free this weekend to celebrate Ben's birthday. I bundled up and went out to see it. I was ok, coughing a bit and sniffing but this trip out didn't ruin me as much as Saturday's did. I also got my notebooks and stuff for school since that starts TOMORROW.

I'm uncertain about this crazy week. We're supposed to get a big snowstorm tomorrow, a polar vortex again on Weds (of course the night I'm supposed to count the homeless outside for 4 hours), school (maybe it will get cancelled tomorrow? I could use an extra not late day this week) and then off on Thursday which is great but will throw off my schedule (count ends at 3am so I get to sleep in on Thurs but not too much to mess up my sleep schedule). Then wedding weekend. I'm a little overwhelmed since I'm still sick and I have no idea when or how I'm going to get to the gym this week. Ugh.

I hate being down and out.

Until next time...

First Cold of the New Year

As I sit at my desk I wonder about the vague possibility of dying right here in my office today because I feel like crap. My throat feels like I'm swallowing barb wire, my nose feels like there is lead inside of it, and my head feels like it could explode like an over inflated balloon.

Much to my chagrin I forgot to take my coconut oil today and I'm planning on taking swings of Dayquill every 4 hours. I'm glad I didn't call out of work today because guess who else is feeling under the weather and is working through it? My boss.

I blame the erratic weather patterns, the runny nosed children and potentially my one tiny client who had a fever the other day. Nothing I can do but pump meds into my body and wait it out, hoping the duration of my duress is only a few days. Some important things are coming up that I just can't be sick for. (So pretentious, I know "I just CAN'T be SICK for xyz")

Main Course magazine launches today. I can be sick for that, actually. We're supposed to go live sometime today. Please check it out at www.maincoursephl.com. I'm an art columnist for this magazine and I'm really excited about this new venture and where the publication could be headed. We have our first staff meeting this weekend and I'll finally get to meet some of my fellow writers/columnists and bounce ideas off my editor. I'm pretty stoked and I can't be that awkward girl in the glasses with a shiny red nose and tissues shoved up the sleeves of my sweater.

The final countdown begins! Next week I start my final semester of graduate school. Dun dun dun. I'll be taking Intro to Web Design and Humor Writing. Class will be 3 nights a week (eep) and then I have to schedule my comprehensive exams and BOOM come May I graduate with my Masters of Journalism. Almost there!

Next week I'm participating in an unusual endeavor. It is called a "Point in Time" count and basically volunteers gather late at night and survey the homeless in the city. We literally "count" the number of homeless in the streets. It runs until 3am but since each homeless agency in the city is required to have two volunteers participate in the PIT count, I get off the following day. Which is great because my parents arrive the day after the count for...

....my cousin's wedding! Not this weekend but the following, my cousin Erin is getting married in New Jersey and my parents and are I going to attend. I'm really excited because I haven't been to a formal event with "the rents" in a long time. I've been to a few weddings recently and they have been fab. (Got another one to attend in May).

So a lot of stuff going on. That coupled with my new gym membership, a few life goals, and my writing projects. Busy as a bee and can not be sick!

Until next time....

10 Things I Learned From a 7 Day Detox

As you may have previously read, I embarked the New Year (Jan 2-Jan 8th) on a 7 Day Detox/Cleanse. For 7 days I ate nothing but fruits and vegetables. I allowed myself 3 servings of fruits, unlimited amounts of veggies. I could drink water and decaffeinated tea. I was not allowed sugar except for what naturally occurs in fruits. I was not allowed oils, butters, dairy, alcohol, candy, not even a stick of gum. What I could have beyond the fruits and veggies was a serving of protein halfway through (salmon for me) and towards the end (fried egg white). I followed this regimen religiously and here are 10 things I learned:

1. Prior to the cleanse, I did not eat enough vegetables....not even close
Day 1 and 2, I ate green smoothies for breakfast. My smoothie consisted of juice from half a lemon, an apple, a cup of frozen strawberries, two cups of fresh spinach, and water. During the cleanse I played around with variations. I will say the chard, kale smoothie was gross and the smoothie with cabbage, spinach, cilantro, and celery leaves had a really pleasant aftertaste.

I digress. I love vegetables. Always have. But I rarely eat enough of them each day. The majority of your "plate" should consist of vegetables and you should eat a variety. During the detox, I ate spinach, celery, peppers, onions, garlic, tomatoes (I consider it a vegetable), cucumbers, broccoli, squash, cabbage, carrots, mushrooms, eggplant and corn. I got a really good variety and ate probably 125% the amount of veggies I should eat each day. 25% over 100? Not much and I ate A LOT of vegetables.

2. I, as well as many Americans, take food for granted
I have a new found respect for those who go without. While the detox encourages you to eat as many vegetables as you want until your full, it is impossible to be full. I was never satisfied, even after an entire plate of squash and onions and peppers. I'd eat an entire bag of frozen vegetables and still be craving something else. I got a very small sample of what it is like to go hungry. I say small, because I never lived in fear that I did not have enough food and I do not suffer the hardships that much of the poor and homeless suffer.

3. I'm a carb girl
I didn't know what a carbohydrate craving was until I went through with this cleanse. Holy mother of carb cravings. I wanted breads, pastas, crackers, bagels, just one taste of a pretzel....carby carb carbs. I guess the takeaway of the cleanse to the general public is : your body will tell you what it wants, and be mindful when you end the cleanse not to binge on that particular type of food. My body still wants carbs as the cleanse comes to an end.

4. 2 days. Sugar Cravings Gone. 
Sugar is probably Americans' worst enemy. You'd think it would be McDonalds but I'm telling you it is sugar. We get dependent on it! Everything has some form of sugar in it. Well, almost everything. We get addicted and then we crave it all the time. Well let me tell you, by day 2 of detox...sugar cravings were gone. That's how long it took. Today a co-worker dangled a chocolate candy under my nose and I didn't even flinch. Another co-worker gave me a donut (yeah work is making me fat haha) and I had no problem sharing half of it and wrapping up the rest to eat post detox. Sugar doesn't do it for me. I'm wondering how much I'll be able to tolerate once I start eating it in small doses again.

5. You can't detox me off coffee
I went 7 days without a sip of coffee and I nearly died. I had caffeine headaches at the beginning and looked longingly at Dunkin Donuts by the end...and I wasn't looking at those donuts. I think if it came between tequila or coffee...and I could only choose one...it would be coffee. Who knew. I can't wait to sip on a celebratory ice coffee tomorrow from Dunkin with skim milk. (just the way I like it!)

6. Smoothies saved my life
I never considered making a green smoothie before, but right before I came back to Philly, I bought a $20 blender from Wal-Mart. I've used that thing nearly 8 times and I've only had it for 10 days. I've finally found a way to eat spinach in the quantity I should. I can make quick and portable/healthy meals using it. AND I am so excited for my peanut butter banana smoothie tomorrow morning! I think it will really come in handy on early workout days at the gym by work. Breakfast in a bottle. They're filling too!

7. More focused
These past few months I feel like I'm in a perpetual brain fog. I don't know if its because of the detox or my improved attitude about the New Year, but I feel more focused than I've ever been. Like, as I'm closing my office door to leave for the day I think to myself  "closing my office door. This is my office. I've been in this office for 4 years." It sounds stupid but I feel more aware of myself and the world around me. It is a really clear feeling and I love it. I think that processed junk clogged up my brain!

8. It takes work and mindpower
Detoxing takes work and mind power. You have to be constantly aware of what you're eating. "Did I have 3 servings of fruit yet?" "Oh! Cookies on the work table!" "Wait. No cookies." Also, you have to prepare the fresh vegetables in advance which involves chopping, bagging, freezing, slicing and storing. It cost me $31 for a weeks worth of produce from my farmer's market...(but I splurged and spent a whole $3 on a bag of grapes....) Today I almost absentmindedly took a sample of Trader Joe's black bean soup...I can' t have that today but I almost forgot about the cleanse. I think that may be why you're hungry all the time, you are constantly thinking about the detox.

9. I appreciate food more
Just in general, I appreciate food more. Especially the food I couldn't have for a week. I really love these cheddar penguin crackers from Wal-Mart and I miss them and I can't wait to be reunited with them in a healthy portion. But I'm paying closer attention to labels. I'm savoring food. Its going to be such a treat to dive into a bowl of Special K tomorrow afternoon and eat my delectable smoothie for breakfast. I'm going to enjoy all of it, be in a great mood, and appreciate every single savory bite.

10. Imagine Believe Achieve
I sat next to a coworker eating Arbys. I grabbed a piece of chocolate candy and saved it for tomorrow without a problem. I ate nothing but fruits and vegetables for 7 straight days. I did it. If you imagine you can do it, believe that you're capable you will achieve great results!

From here it's mindful eating and phase 2. Phase 2 consists of more green smoothies, Special K lunches and lean protein dinners. I'm going to be eating more protein to stay fuller longer. I'm sure my stomach has shrunk (as well as my appetite) from this week and my system welcomed the low taxing cleanse. 30 day gym membership starts this weekend and I'm also on a weight loss challenge at work. Keepin it healthy! So healthy that I've already planned what to eat during our work party this Friday! I know what is on the menu and what I can indulge in and what I need to avoid. Smart choices!

Also I'm learning a whole bunch of new and healthy recipes to try. In an effort to enjoy something warm and hearty, I learned how to make a stew from scratch! It was an eggplant and tomato stew and I used all kinds of herbs and a bay leaf! (Never cooked with a bay leaf before) The final product was delicious. I'm looking forward to getting creative with some healthy vegetarian dishes in the future. I'm not a vegetarian, but those recipes have the most vegetables ;-) I'm also going to be protein powder peanut butter fudge balls! It's going to be great and my body will appreciate the variety. I used to eat breakfast burritos on a bi-weekly basis. They were on whole wheat tortillas with eggs, skim milk and turkey bacon....but there is only so much burrito your system can take before it just wants a nice leafy green vegetable.

Until next time...

Holy Mother of Cold!

Holy Mother of COLD. I thought the news and the weather people were just giving us a warning to dress warmly...but then they got all IF YOU GO OUTSIDE AND YOU ARE NOT COVERED UP YOU OR YOUR EXPOSED LIMBS WILL DIE!!!!

They weren't kidding.

Last night when I took the trash out, I had to post a note for UPS and within one minute I couldn't feel my hand! This morning I looked just like Randy from "A Christmas Story." As I tried to pull my hair out of my infinity scarf I encountered so much difficulty that I almost let my hair sit half in/half out afro style.

The commute was ok until I hit the EL. The platform was over crowded, as was the train when it arrived. I managed to get a seat when a girl got off at the next stop but ended up sandwiched between a cop and my tired looking seatmate. Then came the five block walk to work. Head down, breathing the warm air in my scarf, I pressed on...trying to keep my hood up enough for warmth but down enough so I could see. All the while I did this without my glasses because my infinity scarf around my mouth causes my glasses to fog up. It was treacherous but I made it.

Last Friday I was one of two people from my building who made it in despite the 7" of snow. Yesterday I battled fierce wind and rain to get into work only to find out our heat had been cut off due to an HVAC pipe bursting. I was freezing within 15 minutes. Fortunately the heat returned but it was pretty chilly all day.

The detox is going well. I will be so glad when I can finally have carbs again. I think I'm going to appreciate them more so I won't go all bingefest but I do miss my cheddar penguin crackers AND I miss my coffee. I don't think coffee is doing me any harm. I don't drink the double whipped chocolate chunk, vanilla cream, triple layered frappe crap. I do have to watch out with my Dunkin Donut syrups though. There is a lot of sugar in those. Looks like plain coffee is on my horizon but believe me, I can't wait to enjoy it again.

I think the one thing I've learned throughout this week of fruits and veggies, is that I really need to eat vegetables more often. Like, spinach 3-4 times a week! I enjoy vegetables but when school starts and work gets crazy I like very easy grab and eat snacks. I'm too lazy to cut up some celery. So I need to make sure I don't sink down into those sloth-like ways when the detox is over. More veggies, more green smoothies, a few fresh fruits here and there and limited carbs/fats/meats.

I joined a workout team challenge at work. Basically I have a month or so to lose 3% of my body fat and I am eligible to win prizes. So hopefully that is excess motivation to lose weight and win big. I could use that $50 gift card, not gonna lie.

So I'd say so far 2014 has been pretty good. It started off with epic Mummery and finding $20 on my way home New Years Day. I've been eating a very strict and healthy detox diet, working hard, writing, and finding time for yoga and relaxation. Also, I made my first eggplant and tomato stew from scratch. So far so good.

Until next time...

Going Out with a Bang

BAM. Right now, I have officially blogged more in 2013 than I have when the blog was born in 2009. 54 posts of pure and unfiltered honesty. Sadness, Hopes, Dreams, Self-Doubt, Resilience, Vulnerability, Self-Confidence, and Introspection. THAT is an accomplishment.

What a crazy year.

Taking my friend's advice I found the perfect way to enter the new year "the best version of myself." On NYE I'll be painting a bursting champagne bottle in a BYOB art class. I hope it is paint by numbers for adults. I'm pretty excited because I'm an artist with words not actual paint. But everyone's photos of paintings from this studio look alike, so they make you think "anyone can do it." Way to set the tone for a creative year ahead. :-) I actually had trouble sleeping a few nights ago and checked my phone. Saw an ad for the class on Facebook. I kept telling everyone that if they offered a NYE class I'd do it in a heartbeat. Bought my seat at 2:30am.

Now just trying to make the last day and a half of 2013 count. I mean, it has been one of my best years yet. Been published. Got an art column. Had my heart broken a few times, but hey...as Elizabeth Gilbert says, "This is a good sign...having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something." Kind of went through an downward turned temporarily upward spiral at my job. Made some new friends. Kicked ass in Jschool. 3.93 GPA and holding. Another 4.0 semester down. One more semester to go! Humor writing and Intro to Web Design. It is going to be hard (the web design at least) but it is going to be great.

This year I began to learn the lesson "haters gonna hate" and you're not going to please everyone no matter how hard you try. Also, you have to let things go. When you lose people such as friends or hell, even asshole fake family, you let them go and you move on with your bad self. Life is lighter with the baggage behind. Besides, it is somewhat gratifying when you know you've let go but the haters keep hanging on...waiting with bated breath to learn the latest update of your life. :-)

This year I spoke up more. I was more honest than I've ever been. I fought for things I wanted. Sometimes I won and other times I lost. I traveled, had adventures, reconnected with old friends. Each day was certainly worth it.

Change is gonna come in 2014. I can feel it. Healthy choices. More publishing. More journalism. Checking off the goal list, month by month.

I've got a year to top.

Until next time...

A Year In "To Do"

I like to end 2013 with a "Year in Review" post, but I'm going to do something different this year. Instead of looking back with a nostalgic mind, musing of how far I've come, what I've learned, what I have accomplished....I would much rather look ahead. So for the first time, I'm completing a "Year in To Do" and listing the things I WILL accomplish or do in 2014. This isn't a list of resolutions, this is an actual list of things that will go down next year.

2014: A Year In "To-Do" 

1. Detox Week

I'm not going to be bold and say I'm going to lose x amount of pounds this year or fit in x garment by summer. Instead, from January 2nd-January 9th I will be undergoing a raw food cleanse. That is a fancy way of saying that for one week I will have 3 servings of fresh fruit each day and unlimited servings of vegetables. I will drink water and decaffeinated tea. Midway through the week I'll indulge in a serving of protein. The goal is to cleanse your palate and body of processed foods, sugars, sweeteners, and fats. It is a great way to start a weight loss program. 

2. 30 Days of Gym (Reasonably 20)

I got a Groupon for a 30 day gym membership for a gym near work. My plan is to utilize it as much as possible before school starts. I know I'll be in there with the large crowd of "resolutioners" but my goal is to make the most out of the Groupon. They even have kickboxing on Saturdays! 

3. See Black Violin in Concert

Tickets purchased, pretty excited about this. 

4. Get published at least 10 times in the calendar year

I'm a columnist for a new magazine in Philly. We're coming out with our print edition in April, so I'm hoping I will have a lot of pieces in there. I'll be published online every month. I'm also hoping to write more personal essays for Axis Philly and get published there. 

5. Get at least one piece published in a major US magazine

Whether it is Garden & Gun or Cosmopolitan, I will have at least one essay published in a major market US magazine this year. Hopefully more, but definitely one. 

6. Perform in at least one comedy open mic night

Totally doable. I've been working on some material. It is time to stop dreaming and start living. I will perform in at least ONE open mic night.

7. Destroy my 5K time at Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure

No beating by a few minutes. I want to blow my 5K time out of the water. Some training will commence before this, but I will be triumphant. 

8. Graduate Temple with my Masters of Journalism

May baby. 

9. Visit Nashville, TN 

I want to take a solo trip down to Music City. I want to do that whole, stay in a hostel thing and make friends with the random people you meet on your journey thing. I think it would make for a fantastic adventure. 

10. Mountain bike the 8 mi trail at Wharton State Forest

As soon as the warm spring air breaks, I'm going to attempt the 8 mile trail. Not ready for the 24 miler yet. 

11. Move to a S. Philly Row Home

I'm in no shape to be a homeowner, but by the end of May, the hunt will begin for a rental at the very least. My trifecta of a perfect life consists of a South Philly row home, a green Kia Soul and a Boxer dog named Bronx: in that order. I will be living in a S. Philly row home come Summer 2014. The car and Bronx? Well...might have to be on 2015's list.

12. Attend William and Mary's Homecoming

It is my 5 year reunion from college. I need to go to that thing. In conjunction with this adventure, I will also plan on speaking to the Sociology Department about "what you can do with a Sociology degree" and spend my Homecoming not at Zable Stadium BUT with the W&M Recreational Sports crew, tailgate outside the Rec. THAT is where I wanna be. 

13. Love Hard, Love Fully, Love Cautiously

This is the only "resolution" and it is to love, but love with a side of caution. To only accept what I deserve and to not settle at all in the entire year for anything less than what I deserve. To not fall for the fallen with the hopes I can pick them up. To not enter anything without 100% certainty that I want to invest my time and energy in whatever it is. To not half-ass anything. To be honest even when it hurts. To utilize the lessons taught in 2013 for personal growth, development and acceptance. To reign in my heart. :-)

Until next time.... 

December Rumi

I have a million thoughts but not enough time to write them down. So I will post this for now.

MY WORST HABIT
My worst habit is I get so tired of winter
I become a torture to those I am with.

If you are not here, nothing grows.
I lack clarity. My words tangle and knot up.

How to cure bad water? Send it back to the river.
How to cure bad habits? Send me back to you.

When water gets caught in habitual whirlpools,
dig a way out through the bottom to the ocean.
There is a secret medicine given only to those
who hurt so hard they cannot hope.

The hopers would feel slighted if they knew.

Look as long as you can at the friend you love,
no matter whether that friend is moving away from you,
or coming back towards you.

- Rumi

Until next time...

As Not Good As It Gets, I Hope

A wise friend told me she enters every New Year being the best version of herself. Instead of going out drinking and kissing strangers, she rings in midnight and the new year by doing something good and productive for herself. She said it sets the tone for the year ahead.

My friend was right.

This year, I rang in the New Year in a hot yoga studio with 60 other people, willing myself not to pass out. Then I shared a tofu stir fry with said 60 other people. I didn't know a soul and for some reason, I still kind of felt a little drunk as I walked back to my apartment at 12:30am, sipping ever so slightly on champagne from a coffee mug.

Doing Bikram's Countdown to Midnight's class was probably one of the best decisions I've made for 2013 has been a truly epic year. Like any year, it has had its ups and downs...but I recall a lot more ups. My heart has been on a roller coaster ride. I got to travel more. I went out more with friends and even by myself.

I don't want to make this a year in review post, because...that will inevitably come in December or at the beginning of January, but I'm just wondering if there is some sort of karmic truth to having a great year by ringing in the year being the best version of yourself.

Also, how do I top 2013? I mean, really? I've been published for the first time since 2008. I got to spend some quality time with my best friend and hang out with his friends as well. I went to an epic wedding as a +1 and had a blast. I got to attend my cousin's bridal shower and enjoy fun times with some family. Oh, and I'm about to start writing an art column for an upcoming magazine in Philadelphia. Also, I graduate my Masters program in May! Still rocking that really high GPA. :-)

Not sure how to make 2014 even better. It is going to be hard to top 2013.

Until next time...

12 Random Idiosyncrasies of Mine

I felt like making a listical...aka a list of items under a common theme. I guess I'm inspired by Thought Catalog (they still won't accept any of my work) and Facebook because everyone has been playing that like-my-status-I-give-you-a-number-game where you write up a number of random factoids about yourself based on the number you got for liking someone else's factoids.

I digress.

1. I prefer the taller/thicker straws at Starbucks and Dunkin Ds for my ice coffee. As in, I get really bummed if I'm stuck with a short skinny (normal size) straw.

2. When eating Cheese Crunch Wheat Thins, I deliberately search for the crackers that have the most cheese powder on them and eat them first. I think I also pick out the cheese crackers in cheese flavored Chex Mix and eat them first as well. I'm weird.

3. If I'm flipping through channels and a Harry Potter movie is on, doesn't matter what I'm doing, I will stop and watch it through the ending EVERY SINGLE TIME.

4. I like, and I know I'm not the only person who has this preference....to sit in corners or against walls in spaces like conferences, cafes, and public transit (I don't care if you sit with me just give me the window seat!) I think its one part feeling secure and one part feeling in control of my surroundings since people can't sneak up behind/beside me. Its not that I perceive a threat, its just I feel secure. I get agitated when someone beats me to my favorite corner table at Starbucks and I'm left to sit vulnerable and out in the open.

5. Every morning when I pass this huge robot dinosaur outside the Academy of Natural Sciences I say "Good morning Dinosaur!"  Out loud. When I used to commute from Huntingdon Valley, I used to pass a horse farm and would say "good morning/Goodnight horsies and geese!" Also when I have a minor fail I say "try again" to myself out loud.

6. I honestly believe that becoming the straight and female version of David Sedaris is an attainable life goal.

7. Diet orange soda, grenadine and tequila is one of my delicious drink inventions. I call it a "Tequila Sunburst." Its like a sunrise without orange juice, but the pop of orange soda instead. Hence, sunburst. I love it.

8. I make a game out of naming dog breeds in my head whenever I see a dog. Then I Google image my answer to see if I'm right (unless its an obvious Dalmatian or Poodle or something).

9. When shaving my legs (gross and personal I know) I do this little two step shuffle when I switch legs. Shaved leg down, unshaven foot tap, shaved leg foot tap, unshaven leg up. I have no idea why I do it, and it is not necessary to complete the task. I just do it unless I consciously tell myself not to do it.

10. I never eat anything with pickles on it. I take the pickles off and eat them separately. I enjoy pickles, just not on any kind of sandwich or burger.

11. I get a very large feeling of satisfaction when I can attribute an actor on a certain show/movie to another show/movie...especially if he or she is guest starring on one episode and guest starred on different show for one episode previously. The intense desire to be right or place said actor is so great, I will pause the show/movie and check IMDB to find out.

12. I started this habit years ago. But I will not open a can of soda or beer without lightly first tapping the closed lid part three or four times. I think I started this because it would prevent the beverage from exploding upon opening. I don't know if it has any effect but the habit is so ingrained I don't even think about it when I do it.

Until next time...

I'm Not Rational When You Wake Me Up From Deep Slumber

After a truly great weekend of chores, errands, fitness, cooking and a little bit of creative writing work...I went to bed pretty tuckered out. At first I thought my mind would go 1,000 mph, as it usually does on Sunday nights before the work week ahead but after a half hour or so I was out and in dreamland.

A few hours later I heard rapid knocking. It was one of those things where the outside noise is part of your dream until you actually wake up and realize the noise is real. After a minute of knocking, I woke up and realized it was coming from the hallway outside my apartment door. I listened carefully and heard someone whisper my name.

The girl that lives below me locks herself out all of the time. I figured she might be trying to wake me up to use my phone or tools or something to get back in her place. So, I unlocked my door and opened it. Outside the apartment across from mine stood, not the girl from downstairs but a kind of cute, tall guy about my age.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I was trying to see my friend Caitlin," he said.

I'm standing there in a ratty t-shirt and jersey shorts, half awake wondering what this attractive man is doing outside my hallway and also why attractive man doesn't know what I know.

"Um, sorry but Caitlin moved out. That apartment has been vacant for about two weeks now. They've been doing work in it, getting it ready for the next tenant."

"What? No way! She said 20th! She texted me 10 minutes ago and my phone is now dead. Damn," he said.

"Sorry man. This is 21st. She must have moved a block away or something. Can't help you."

"Thats ok. Its a bummer. She just texted me. This is a late night booty call," he said.

Now, a number of things occurred to me during this conversation and not ONE of them should have been part of my thought process.

Thought 1: It is raining outside and you don't look wet. Wow, you will get wet when you leave here.
Thought 2: Wow, why did you tell me this is a booty call?
Thought 3: You don't look like her type and didn't she used to live with her boyfriend or something?
Thought 4: Caitlin really didn't tell you she moved? WTF?

It wasn't until after I locked my doors and crawled back into bed thinking, "wait...how did he get into our apartment building? The door is locked."

Needless to say, my roused-from-a-deep-sleep-thought processes is anything but logical. I shouldn't have opened my door because what if he was like a serial killer or something. He didn't whisper my name he whispered hers. Also, he has access to a spare key and now knows where I live. I could have been killed. He could have broke into my apartment. And btw...all of this transpired at 3:26am.

When I woke up I wondered if I dreamt the whole thing but remembered going to the bathroom after the ordeal before climbing back into bed. What a weird night.

Until next time...

Quitting

It started with a Groupon.

I bought 10 kickboxing classes for $15 or $20. The classes were held at Amerikick South Philly on Synder Ave.In my very first class I had to do 50 jumping jacks in the warm up. I was so proud of myself that I could keep in step with the the instructor. Many classes made me want to vomit and since my name is pretty unique, the instructor called me out all the time. Mary Anna, those aren't high knees! Mary Anna, put your butt down in that push up! Mary Anna, keep up! I seriously wanted to change my  name by the end of it. However, despite the fact that this energetic Vietnamese kid who tested our limits weekly was screaming at me, I loved it and I fell in love with kickboxing.

My Groupon expired and I found another deal and signed up for that. Being cheap, this was my way of cheating the system. The owner of Americks was kind of annoyed. He redeemed my voucher but called the master company to cancel all future Groupons. My instructor would be leaving in a month to work the Monorail at Disneyland. Kickboxing would be over.

In the very last class, the only kickboxers who came were myself and a girl named....get this...Anna Marie. The instructor tried to slaughter us one more time and we ended class with a very sweaty group hug.

Fast forward to Christmas 2012. My mom and I are driving to my work after my Christmas break in Virginia and we spot the Philadelphia Martial Arts & Kickboxing sign. My mother encourages me to call them, asking if they have deals for the New Year. I hesitate for a month before I work up the courage to make a stupid phone call. The owner makes an appointment for me to come in and discuss my goals.

I was nervous. I didn't want to be buffaloed into an agreement on the spot but I have a horrible time saying no. He told me the class schedule (3 a week) and the price (high but not out of my range) and next thing I knew I signed a contract and had plans to start up in four days. I returned the next day to put down my year deposit and purchase my very first pair of boxing gloves (we didn't train with them in South Philly).

My first class at the new gym was at 10am on a cold wintry Saturday morning. I had to get up early, take several modes of public transit and drag myself into the studio. There were only two other students, girls that had been taking the class since the owner opened the gym in October 2012. They were better than me but, ever the zealot, I had to prove myself. So I kicked harder, and tried relentlessly to prove to the instructor that yes, I may be fat and awkward but I trained in South Philly and I KNOW how to kickbox. Look at my form! I'm awesome.

He kept trying to reassure me, telling me that I was doing a great job in my first class and silently hoping I'd stop trying to show off and just learn something. haha

For the next 7 months I got up early on Saturdays (unless I was out of town) and took the Monday night or Thursday night classes. My own determination and consistency surprised me. I made some friends, enjoyed partnering up with various "classmates" when we had partner drills. I sort of became a cheerleader for others, encouraging my partners whenever I could.

Then in September, I ran a 5K on a whim and tore my LCL after a klutzy accident. I had to take a month off from kickboxing to tend to my injury. When I finally felt able to return, I learned they cancelled Saturday classes. The 10am class was now a 9am class if you confirmed ahead of time (Thurs) that you would be able to attend. I went on Thursday only to find out the class had been cancelled due to Halloween.

Then I registered for classes for my final semester of graduate school. I scored a spot in a coveted web design class but it met not one but two nights a week. That plus my other class meant I'd be working late, running the tutoring programs at work on Mondays, be in class Tue-Thurs, and then the only opportunity I would have to kickbox would be on Saturday at 9am.

I had to make a hard decision. It was time to quit.

As I walked to my final class, I listened to "Scream and Shout" by Britney Spears, a song that I listened to in order to pump myself up when I first started at this gym. I got there, shed my outer layer of clothes and met with the owner to inform him of my cancellation.

After that business was addressed, I took the floor to begin my last workout with Philadelphia Martial Arts & Kickboxing. To my delight, my favorite instructor would be teaching the class that evening. I informed him it was my last class and he said in a low voice, "Well Mary Anna, what would you like to work on today?"

I smiled. That meant a lot. I told him I wanted to do a lot of roundhouse kicks and bag work, my favorite things to do in the class. He assured me we'd have a great bag workout and he was right.

My last class was similar to my first. I was overweight, determined to keep up and overcompensating in an attempt to prove myself. But instead of showing off, I took things easy as to not re injure my delicate torn LCL knee. I huffed, puffed and respected my limitations. In my last drill I gave it my all, performing my favorite movies with as much gusto as I could muster. The workout music was a mix CD they've had since opening and I even mused to myself during our ab workout as a song skipped and commented on how that song has been skipping for the past 7 months.

We stretched and clapped at the end. The instructor turned to me and said "So how was that?"

"Perfect," I replied. What a way to go out. I thanked him for his classes and the manner he teaches.

"I'm so thankful and it is just so fitting that YOU were the instructor for my last class here," I said with my voice cracking ever so slightly.

After a hug, I returned to the lobby, gathered my belongings and began the bittersweet trek home. Time to hang up the gloves for now.

I hope I can return to a different school after I graduate grad school and my schedule opens up. I love the feeling of punching, the gratifying smacking sound my leg makes when I connect with the bag, and the fact that...even after a months hiatus...I could still keep up and grab my foot in the stretches. (Before I started I could barely grasp my ankle).

It has been a good run.

Until next time...

Rejection

I'm sitting on the EL, ice coffee in hand. I'm having a sneezing fit and wondering if I'm coming down with a cold or if I'm having an adverse allergic reaction to the rapid weather changes we've been going through these past few weeks. I'm tired, feeling quite run down by my demanding work/school schedule and I'm also dreading the day ahead. My bus was late and cramped and even though I got to see my friend Sarah on my bus (a sign that it will be a good day), I have my doubts. I would be working 9am-7pm. I have a boatload of assessments and service plans (social work stuff) to complete. Also, tonight marks my last night of kickboxing for awhile...a decision I know is necessary due to time constraints but also disheartening because I feel like a quitter.

I grab my phone and check some e-mails. The telecommute job I applied for earlier in the week has emailed me. Wow, they got back to me quickly.

As much as they enjoyed reading my application and writing samples, they simply believe that they are not a good fit for me and my goals. Thanks but no thanks.

Rejected.

I give them credit. At least they actually took the time out to reject me. Lately as I frantically try to grab onto any media job I can find, the employers reject me in the manner of my last breakup. Silence. We both just stop talking to one another. They don't acknowledge that I applied and I don't "shark it up" and demand to know if they got my materials, how long they will consider my application, why did they reject me...etc. Also, this start-up viral content company that rejected me had the nicest way of doing so. "We're not a good fit for you." I read that as "you're not a good fit for us" but that wasn't the words they chose. They wanted to let me down gently.

I'm not entirely butt hurt over the rejection. I wasn't crazy about the idea of regurgitating and packaging preexisting content to create viral trends. I would have done it and maybe even enjoyed it, given the opportunity. But I'm more of an original content kind of girl. That is where my talent lies. I hope I eventually reached that point where each rejection will roll off of my shoulders and I'll hum Jay Z's "On to the Next One" to myself as I search for a new opening to apply for.

It still stung a bit as the crappy day continued and I made my way into the job I thankfully have with the health insurance I thankfully don't have to change (and can afford). Even though my current job is pretty disastrous to my mental health as of late. I'm pretty sure I had a minute bout of nausea after reading my rejection e-mail.

I began to ponder the rejections and the sheer multitude of silent rejections I have received. I mean, I've applied for 3 university communications positions, one of which dealt directly with editing print media content. Another position led me to believe I would be interviewed once I passed the gates of HR, but for some reason my application never crossed the threshold. I've applied for 3 non-profit communications coordinator positions, only one informed me of my rejection. I've applied for a freelance gig after a direct reference to the position (a spot I thought I had a legitimate shot at a shot at) and was never granted the slightest e-mail or call of acknowledgement that the editor received my materials. And now this rejection.

They say that millennials have a hard time communicating effectively thanks to technology. We hide behind our computer screens, phone screens, text messages...etc and our ability to communicate with one another regresses each day.

Well the same can be said for potential employers. Man up and reject with effort.

Until next time....

It Started Innocently Enough....

It all started with a silly e-card that I took a screenshot of and sent to three of my best friends. 

One friend immediately replied "I'm Sophia!" and that was that. So I thought about Blanche, Rose, and Dorothy and pondered as to which Golden Girl am I most like? Now, the friends I sent this to would certainty overlap in types. We'd have two Dorothys, two Sophias and a Blanche/Rose mix. So in the context of my friend who claimed Sophia, I thought....which one am I?

I thought this musing would pass and I'd get distracted by the newest viral cat video or God forbid, actual work...but it didn't. I continued to analyze the characters I grew up watching (mainly on Lifetime) and decide which Golden Girl most accurately represents who I am.

My first thought was Dorothy. See, she's very smart, snarky, sarcastic and very to the point. She has awful luck in the love department and comes off as strong and resilient. However, with these attributes comes her horrible self-esteem. I guess my self-esteem ebbs and flows like the tide, but I think I have more gusto and confidence about myself than Dorothy. I see her as the grounded, organized leader of the four women...which I tend to be in my group of friends. However, I'm also a storytelling dreamer that lacks common sense.....

So I must be Rose. I'm one of those help the helpless, non-judgy, love all serve all kind of people. I'm kindhearted and often get taken advantage of. Most people know me for my storytelling ability. Although, rarely am I called a dumbass after reciting one of my stories. I have difficulty standing up for myself since I retreat from most verbal and direct conflict. I rarely engage in debates because I don't want to offend the other person. However, I'm anything but simple minded. Yet Rose is a grief counselor and I am a social worker....

I ruled out Blanche because she's the lovable slut and I'm lovable but nowhere near a slut. However, in terms of personality traits, Blanche and I share a lot in common. We're both bold, attention seekers, drama queens, and have fierce leadership tendencies. (Her and Dorothy clash all the time..mainly due to jealousy but their personalities are both pretty strong).

If I were to consider Sophia, I'm a storyteller and I love shutting people down with snark and love telling stories. Most of Sophia's stories have a positive reception (as do mine). I also have a bad habit of mothering my friends, being the person with the nappy wipes, and making sure we drink water on a night on the town. I have that mothering instinct which Sophia portrays in the show.

Honestly, everyone could pick a character trait from each of these women and apply it to themselves. I'd have to say I'm a mix of all four: a Golden Girl hybrid. I'm just amused that I put hours of thought into this when I should be doing other, more productive things with my time. It was an interesting experiment. Maybe I'll have to do it with Orange is the New Black characters sometime.

Until next time....

We Wouldn't Appreciate The Sunshine if It Wasn't for the Rain

Do you ever get emotional whiplash? For example, one day is horrible and makes you question yourself and your tolerance for such awful conditions. The very next day, everything turns around and you appreciate the good fortune even more than before. That old saying goes, "we couldn't appreciate the sunshine if it wasn't for the rain." I suppose that is a very accurate statement.

This Monday was one of the worst days I have had in a long time. I started the day, tired, and with a dentist appointment! I had a procedure done at the ripe time of 9am. Then my dentist tells me I have to eat soft, non-chewy foods for the next 24 hours. I had to work until 7:30 and the foods I brought to last through the day were on her "do not eat list." An easy problem to remedy but I was distraught and it stressed me out. The worst part is I was SICK. Nothing like having your mouth mauled by metal objects at 9am when you are SICK. It was awful.

On my way to work I stopped at the store to buy puddings, yogurts, jello and soup. I then proceeded to have a pretty crummy day at work. Nothing was going my way. I was alternating between being freezing and sweating. I was chain drinking tea and my mouth hurt. All I could do was try to work, eat soup and swallow yogurt. I was not a happy camper.

I found out I had to babysit for a program that evening, turns out I didn't but it was an added responsibility to my already weak state of body and mind. Then I ran my tutoring program which didn't go so well either. My kids must have had a difficult day at school for their energy was a little too much that evening, even for me. I was sick, I worked overtime, I had been called out for some stuff and I felt overwhelmed, overworked and just plain ill.

I warned my boss that I might call out sick the following day because I had been battling a fever all day. I only went to work on Monday because there was no one to cover my programs and events that day. After being beat down by the elements (and being hungry all day because chronic pudding and yogurt eating is not fulfilling) I passed out in a Nyquil haze.

Only to awake Tuesday morning, still sick. So I called out to keep my germs to myself and checked my phone. In the early light of the morning I got some great news which began the upward shift of my luck. A personal essay I submitted three weeks ago for publication was accepted! The editors would e-mail me to tell me when my story went live and then I'd receive payment for my work! This was excellent news. I'm sort of in this weird transition phase where I'm trying to freelance to get some byline credit. My latest published piece is from 2008 so...time to update the ol' writing resume. This good news couldn't have come at a better time.

I went back to sleep to get more rest and woke up feeling fairly better. I finished a paper for my law class (that I had the utmost lack of faith I did well) and bundled up for my trek to my Magazine Writing class. I arrived 15 minutes late donning sweatpants and holding a bag of Wendy's for dinner. The class stopped on my arrival. I said, "Hey guys, I'm sorry I was sick today and I came from Center City. I had to stop and get dinner. That's why I'm late and please don't judge me on the amount of food that will come out of this bag because it is going to be like Mary effin Poppins up in here." They laughed and said I made quite an entrance.

The funny thing was I was in the elevator before class with another student. I smiled at her, held up my Wendy's bag and said, "Damn. They're going to know why I'm late." She thought that was funny, as I did too.

Class was fantastic. We get off on the most random tangents. Then at some point, class turns into "Story Time with MA" and I share a personal story or two for entertainment purposes. I told the class that this feeds into my egotism but they still asked me questions about certain things.

It was a pretty good day after a pretty bad one. I tried to get to bed early but woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of my neighbors conversing across their apartment. My place was dead silent so I needed white noise. Naturally I downloaded an ambient sound app and listened to rain falling on a roof for 40 minutes as I tried to get back to sleep. I woke up exhausted. I spilled my coffee all over my office chair when I got in. BUT I got a 96 on that horrible paper I wrote. I guess it wasn't that horrible after all. :-D

So changes are happening. I'm feeling more in control of my life and its accompanying situations. Things are looking up for now and I'm going to enjoy the sunshine for as long as it lasts.

Until next time...

I don't know whether my life is made up of...

....a series of unfortunate events or a series of questionable decisions.

Maybe it is a bit of both.

The past week or so has been riddled with questionable choices and epic adventures. For example, one week ago I decided to run a 5K for shits and giggles. I registered for a "fun run" and stretched a little. I ran the race, came in dead last and spent the day drinking "free" beer out of a glass beer boot. I made new friends, I networked, I had a pretty awesome time. All. By. Myself.

Of course I indulged in the "free" beer a bit too much, ordered enough McDonalds to feed India, ordered pizza oh...and I fell off a SEPTA bus. I'm pretty sure I would have done the falling part even if I hadn't been drinking. Falling off the bus led to a torn LCL. McDonalds gorge led to Mighty Wing bits littering my comforter. Fast food binge led to guilt and shame. Actually, I think the whole experience made a great story but led to guilt and shame. I made up for it on Sunday by cleaning and eating stir fry vegetables for dinner.

As I muddled through the work week, trying to get through each day I had some interesting mini-adventures. I submitted another piece to Thought Catalog...waiting for the silence of their rejection now. I had my Magazine Writing class in stitches of laughter after I revealed I hunt white tail deer with a muzzleloader rifle around Thanksgiving with my Dad. My professor said I may be the only muzzleloading white tail deer hunting social worker in the world. This conversation lead to hilarious segways about my love for guns and my bizarre, dramatic life in general. Oh, and when he asked if anyone in the class runs I said I ran a 5K over the weekend and came in dead last. The class almost died laughing. I mean, really guys? I love the attention but your joy and laughter at my stories only feeds my narcissistic ego. Especially when a classmate tells me to stop talking because she can't stop laughing. I have been told, once again, to compile personal essays and write a book. The personal essay approach makes writing "Never a Dull Moment: The First 25 Years" more manageable. Got to get on that.

That was just Tuesday.

Wednesday hit and I had another mini adventure. While multi-tasking in my law class I was trying to play with a Spanish Learner App in an effort to learn Spanish while learning law. My sound was off but for some reason the app overroad my mute and in the middle of a classmate's case brief presentation my Ipad screamed, "EL TORO BEBE AGUA" 5 times. I kept hitting mute but it was the repeat button. A classmate says "Wow, that is a thirsty bull." Mortified and red faced I stammered "pop up ad" as my professor inquired as to what in the hell made that statement. Fortunately he was cool about it. I apologized to my classmate. He began his presentation again only to dissolve into fits of laughter himself. About 10 min later another classmate started laughing. I was choking back giggles myself. Then my friend @mentions me on Twitter with EL TORO BEBE AGUA. It was hysterical.

Then of course I went out for a drink with my friend after the class which lead to more than one drink and even more adventures. I paid for being out so late on Thursday.

Friday I decided I wanted a SEAFEAST for dinner so I actually splurged on some King Crab Legs and cooked up a seafood feast for myself. IT WAS AMAZING. Saturday I made homemade turkey bacon pizza with pumpkin bread pudding and Sunday I cooked oven fried chicken with yellow rice and caramelized onions and peppers. I did a lot of chores, errands, and homework this weekend too. It was a well balanced weekend to make up for a very off balanced week.

That was until last night when my neighbors woke me up in the wee hours of the morning as they stomped to their apartment, laughing and carrying on. I fell back asleep only to be awoken by a gnat buzzing by my ear. This gnat issue went on for an hour and a half 5am-6:30am and I dozed back off at 6:30am. This was not so good since I entered another sleep cycle but my alarm went off at 7:30am. I was confused, disoriented and exhausted despite having sort of decent sleep. I will find that gnat and destroy it when I get home.

The pros of today are that I get to leave at 5:30pm instead of 7:30pm because there is no tutoring for the kids since they do not have homework! So tonight I'm baking up some eggplant. The cons are that it is Monday, I'm groggy and trying not to be overcome with anxiety. I'm trying to stay focused and check off the mental task list in my head. I'm trying to do things I've been putting off because there is a great sense of accomplishment when I get such things done. I'm trying to find more outlets to send my personal essays to and I'm trying to do my job and do it well. I hope I can keep up with the optimism and energy.

Perhaps my series of questionable decisions led to a more stable frame of mind. :)

Until next time...

I "want" To Believe in Vitamins

It looks as if I'm going to do some extreme fitness thing every weekend. I did some biking two weekends ago and this weekend I ran a 5K just for the hell of it. Actually, I walked and wheezed through most of it but I still finished at my usual time. I think it is because I'm chronically late to everything so I know how to hustle and power walk my way to destinations.

Perhaps I'll do Bikram Yoga this weekend. Not something I haven't done before but in terms of near death experiences, I can't get much closer than Bikram Yoga. By minute 42 I'm seeing stars, focusing on my mat and thinking "don't pass out you wimp." We'll see what happens. It is also laundry weekend and I consider my eight block hike to the "mat" exercise as well.

Lately I've been writing a lot in an effort to get stuff published and start a recognizable byline trail. I got tired of seeing my cohorts succeed in securing internships, getting published and generally doing big things while I continue to social work my way to my livelihood and wish I could just sit down and write a few good essays to submit somewhere. I have a piece under consideration for an online magazine and I'm planning on shopping out my humor column to local weeklies. I also had a good networking opportunity this past weekend (after the 5K) and I might be able to secure some freelance work even if it is for little to no pay. The way I see it, I can't do an internship because I work full time and I'm in school part time. I can't get hired because I don't have recent relevant experience. So how about I write for free and get published so we can have some updated works on my resume. I'm also going to build and design my own website...preferably from scratch....with Sublime Text. No Dreamweaver over here. I don't have a Mac anyway, just an Ipad.

Yesterday I had a lot of energy and accomplished more at work in one day than I have for the past few weeks. I wondered if maybe this was because I started taking a new vitamin. I'm on generic B-50s instead of the name brand B-Complex. They are pretty much the same but I wanted so badly to attribute my new found energy to the new vitamins. No dice. Took vitamin today...still tired as hell. However I am going to try to go to the gym after class in an effort to mix up my workout routine. Yes...healthy changes folks. I don't want to be the slow little wheezy kid nearly dying before completing the 5K.

That is about it. Trying to write more, create things, get out there and get noticed. Oh! I've expanded my social group/friend circle too. I don't know how long these little friendships will last, BUT I've tried to hang out with some new and interesting people. That means more options for socialization/experiences/writing content. Woo!

So here's to "changes" with the autumn season. Let's hope they last and I don't sink back into my anxiety ridden, procrastinating state of mind that accomplishes nothing and longs to sleep all the time.

Until next time...