Spring, Where are you? / What's with the noose?

Why hello, it has been a while. I haven't dropped off the face of the earth or anything, just been hiding in a busy corner of it. The past few weeks have went by in a blur of illness, major events for work, and a slow yet growing social life.

Highlights have been a successful academic awards ceremony for the kids at work, a highly attended book fair for work (my brainchild) and an epically successful major fundraiser that I sold my soul to (at least for the night).

So there are two major things on my mind. I really want to be like Peter Griffin from Family Guy and say, "You know what really grinds my gears?" Well, I'm frustrated that it is March 30th and the weather is still cold as shit. Ok well literally, shit is not cold, but I'm unhappy. I was hoping to retire my winter coat days ago. Now, they're predicting a Nor'Eastern with snow and crap this weekend. WHY??? This winter started early, is lasting forever, and is horrible. I know I sound like a whiney brat, but I am so sick of the cold weather and ready to break out the flippy floppies and t-shirts. In fact, on the four warm days we had, I did just that. My fellow Philadelphians thought I was crazy and they stared at my exposed feet while wrapping their heavy jacket around their body out of habit. I knew what I was doing, I was milking the warm weather for what it was worth.

Second thing. So today I'm on the EL, commuting to work, late, and this guy gets on the train car that I'm on. He's wearing a big green trench coat, and a variety of other clothes. I figure by the look of him, he might be really poor or homeless. I don't judge so I just sat there minding my business. He took a sip of something from his water bottle and then took off his jacket. He reached into his bookbag and pulled out a rope. Then he stood in front of us, the confused passengers. I figured he could be an old navy vet or something and would demonstrate how to tie knots in exchange for money. Its not a crazy idea, I've seen the evangelists, the people preaching the world will end soon, trumpeters, drum lines, break dancers, acrobats and just about everyone out in the streets of Philly trying to earn some money. Then you have your "hungry please help" people, handicapped people with cups, and the occasional, "do you have a quarter, $1, $5, anything?"

So I'm sitting on the EL, wondering why this guy has a rope, and then see its actually a noose. A feeling of awkward and discomfort started to come over me. The woman sitting across from me got up and either left the EL or changed seats. The people behind the man were oblivious to his...awkward display. I sat there, wanting to move but also trying to figure out what's with the noose?

I thought of the practicality of hanging yourself in a SEPTA EL car. He was tall, it wouldn't work. Plus, his rope wasn't that thick. It would probably snap if he tried something crazy. Maybe he was an exhibitioner, or and old member of the modern day Black Panthers that hold rallies outside the convention center requesting all black men to find Jesus, become better husbands and sons, and overcome the adversity of the majority. Or perhaps he'd whip out a sign that read "hung out to dry, need food and money" and the noose was there to prove a point.

He also had a fanny pack in addition to his bookbag and I didn't want to think what could possibly be in there. Thankfully my stop came before I could figure it out. I might never know what he was doing in that EL car unless it makes the news. I know I was uncomfortable and for the first time, really alarmed by a "strange person." There are tons of reasons as to why he had a noose draped over his shoulders. Right? I guess we'll never know.

Until next time...

Relaxation Fail

So last night, after a particularly not so great day, I decided I was going to take a nice hot bath. I really wanted the relaxation experience so I lit candles, put on classical music and poured myself a glass of wine. Now, I have never taken a bath in my bathtub in the apartment but it looked a lot larger than most bathtubs I have been in. So I figured I'd fit nicely in it and maybe have to bend my knees for ideal soaking comfort.

The problem is, I don't have a plug for my drain. I decided to use a coffee cup because it turned out to be the perfect size to cover the drain hole. I began to fill the tub and put a whole bunch of bath salts, bubble bath mix and even one of those gel bath balls. The tub filled up with hot steamy and bubbly water.

I stopped the water after the tub was a little over half full. I figured my body would cause the water levels to increase significantly. So I turned the lights off, put the candles on the ledge of the the tub, and stepped in.

The heat from the water felt awesome on my feet. As I submerged myself into the tub I realized I could use some more water. I turned on the faucet and alas, nothing but cold water came out. I had used up all the hot water! Giving up on that, I tried to lay back in the tub, bending my knees so the water would cover my stomach and chest. Well, this failed for obvious obesity reasons.

While lying in this awkward position I heard the faint sound of water draining. It was then when I realized that my coffee mug was not sufficently blocking the water drain. So I ended up sitting in the tub with water barely covering my legs until there was no water. I then got up and took a cold shower since I had used all the hot water.

After my cold shower, I blew out my relaxation candles, chugged my glass of wine, proceeded to watch my fish swim around for a half hour, and then decided it would be a great idea to read the cards from the Cranium game. I tested myself to see if I knew all the Humdinger songs. Then I pulled down my high school journal.

While reading my high school journal I was embarassed. One, because the writing is AWFUL. It screams hormonal teenager who can't write for crap. (I've improved in my writing so much by now) Two, because I did some really stupid and embarassing crap in high school that unfortunatly I still do today. I found a quote that I think I came up with on my own. It read:

"Don't make someone your world only to become their option."

Wow. If I wrote that, that is the most profound thing I have ever said! Words to live by.

So tonight I'm not going to try any cool relaxation technique. I'm going to get off work late, go home, watch Grey's Anatomy and go to bed early. I can relax in my sleep.

Until next time...

Life is Not Like the Movies

You know in the movies how the couples work? Usually you have one person who is really busy or going through a rough patch in their life. They're trying to figure themselves out and do what is the best thing for themselves. Then you have the other person swoop on in and completly turn the stressed out person's life upside down. The couple starts going and doing things that the one person wouldn't do on his or her own. The other person brings the life out of the crazy stressed out one. I think the words, "just live a little" are uttered at some point.

I always thought I was going to be the creative and wayward life changing one. I never even considered the possibility of being hit by a Mack truck of surprise and having my world turned upsidedown. I didn't think I would be the one laying under traffic lights or taking random road trips without a concrete plan. Nope, never considered it.

I wish I could tell you that all of those things are happening but they are not...and that is ok. I'm not even complaining for once. I think I just realized that I need to be open to getting the wind knocked out of me as I am swooped into the arms of some crazy adventure. The thought of laying under traffic lights or road tripping spotaneously, makes me happy. The thought, that is...of course with my structured life and marriage to my job, there is no room for such spontaniety.

So maybe I don't have to be someone else's whirlwind. Maybe someone will come along and save me from myself. Maybe he'll be MY whirlwind and once I'm slapped out of my work clothes and stressed out outlook, I'll be a whirlwind too. We could be whirlwinds together. However, I prefer to be more like a hurricane.

Until next time...

You are Destined for Greatness

I pondered the idea of writing "You are Destined for Greatness" and taping it to my bathroom mirror. It sounds like an incredibly cheesy idea straight out of a self-help book, but I thought it was worth trying. Upon further relfection of this idea, I realized it would fail. Not because I would laugh at that statement daily, but rather, I take 100 degree showers. So the ink would run and the paper would crinkle. Plus, I need the whole mirror to examine myself in the morning anyway.

What is greatness? Is it the attribute of world leaders and life changers, or is it a quality in which we can all possess? Is greatness a thing we strive for? Does the prospect of greatness motivate us?

I think it may motivate me. In high school, countless people told me "Mary Anna, you are going places." "Mary Anna, you're going to do big things." "Mary Anna, you're going to be somebody big someday." I'm trying to capture some of that high school MAness I had. Back in the day, I wasn't scared of anything. I felt I had nothing to lose. I wore confidence like a Coach purse and felt...powerful. Maybe it was all the potential people bestowed upon me. Maybe it was because I was president of my class for three years, prom queen, homecoming queen, president of the FLBA, vice president of the PTSA, and played God in the school play. Maybe because I got into one of the most prestigious schools in the state, or because I had a closeknit group of friends always at my side.

I remember walking the halls of my high school, when this freshman girl bumped into me. She said, "What do you say?" I looked at her, trying not to laugh at her rudeness when her friend whispered to her, "Don't you know who that is?. That's Mary Anna Rodabaugh!" Of course, the scrappy freshman said, "I don't give an *bleep* who she is..she needs to say excuse me." I was already past her and down the hall, laughing to myself that her friend had a sense of awe in her voice.

I know this sounds like a horribly concieted memory and you might be rolling your eyes at my bragging but it is important to note these things. When I arrived at William and Mary, I carried my confidence around with me until about 12 hours into my freshman orientation. It took 12 hours to knock down a spirit of fearlessness that had been built within me for 18 years.

I trapsed through college, enjoying various nitches. I felt accepted by my sorority, reveared by the radio station, and respected by my workplace. However I couldn't help but think I reached my peak in high school. With a life full of potential infront of me, how could I possibly think that high school was the high top to my mountain?

Looking back I still want to believe that I am destined for greatness. I guess I've done "big things" by solidfying myself in the Youth Advocate position at my work. After all, there was no position until I started volunteering and some may say that I made myself a bit indispensible. I try to help people everyday, isn't that greatness?

It is, to some extent. But I feel I am destined for more. The world is going to know who I am. I'm on the brink of making some exciting life changes which I will share with you later. However, I find myself following my passions and designing my path to greatness. It will happen. I took the confident and fearless high school spirit and coupled it with the mature and slightly cautious and responsible adult I am today. Coupling these two extreams and balancing them into one person...I can only become great, I can only change lives each day through my compassion, my love, and my passions.

Until next time...

I HATE Valentine's Day. :-)

I hate Valentine's Day with a fiery burning passion. However, I've learned a lot of things over the past few weeks. One of those things is that Singles Awareness Day sucks a lot less if you hate it less. So instead of plotting the death of couples and projectile vomiting when I see engaged facebook status updates, I decided to embrace the holiday with all the love I could muster.



I'm at work today with a bright red dress covered in tiny little hearts. My mom made me this dress a few years ago for Valentine's Day. I'm also donning a heart shaped necklace, a red bow around my high pony tail and yes, bright red lipstick. My Valentine's Day didn't start the way I wanted to because the Cupid's Choice Donuts at Dunkin Donuts were all sold out...everywhere. I knew this would happen but I was really discouraged when reality set it. Everyone and their mother wanted those donuts...shaped like hearts with pink frosting and little sprinkles. I wanted to start my day with that donut, but not everything works the way we want it to.

Anyway, I encountered a rather awkward experience two weekends ago. I was at a bar with my friend on a Friday night. There was a guy sitting one seat over to my left and from the side profile, he looked kind of cute. My friend, a juke box junkie went to pump some dollars into the machine so we could hear some old school hip hop. As I sat at the bar, I started at the liquor bottles displayed in front of me, trying to think of something to say to this guy. He was alone, drinking a Miller Lite, looking kind of angry.

I thought about saying "so what is wrong?" but then realized that was the social worker coming out in me and that question was far from flirty. I considered asking him if he lived around the area but thought that was lame as well. I also was hit with a huge amount of insecurity. In my mind, if I spoke to this guy, I imagined him saying hi and then excusing himself from the conversation only to leave the bar. I imagined that in his eyes, I was just that "big girl," that the guy I bumped into on the street called me on a summer evening.

Or on New Years Eve, when I porused the bar, scoping out the seemingly single guys. I asked a bunch of guys where their girlfriends were. They both responded, quite quickly with "at the bar." I smiled, recovered quickly from this awkward moment (I might have been buzzed at the time) and simply stated that the bar employed me to make sure all the single guys had a lady to kiss at midnight. I then retreated to a safe place to pick up the broken shards of my dignity. When I went to the restroom about an hour later, I glanced over at that same cluster of guys only to find that there wasn't a single girl around them. They totally rejected me with a lie. I'm probably a lot better off for it, but it stung for a hot second. I then proceeded to rant in the girl's restroom about the encounter only to be hailed a gutsy hero of the single woman world (according to the fellow ladies in the bathroom). Right...

Back to the awkward encounter: My friend came back and a huge group of people took her spot at the bar. Apparently one of them just got engaged...engaged people follow me everywhere. Upon my friend taking that vacant chair, the guy immediately lit up and began talking to us...more so my friend than me. I knew he wasn't her type so I wasn't worried about her "stealing" this guy from me. In fact, as he started talking I realized he was pretty wrong for me. But I couldn't help but envy her for a hot second. Line us up on the side of a gym and ask the boys to pick a girl to dance with and they will most certainly choose her. She is petite, sassy and half Cuban. I'm the poster child for the average obese American. :P

I came to the realization that I might be incapable of being in a relationship right now. Not only is my time spread so thin with activities and work, but I also require a bit of alone time to decompress from the work week. I might be socially incompetent right now to be with someone. I say these things not with despair or loathing, but actually with a sense of thoughtfulness. I mean, I've been pining to be with someone when in reality...there is still a lot of self exploration to be done before I can add a guy into the equation. For once, I'm not distraught at that realization. I'm actually at peace.

So that experience coupled with the severe mood swings/depression/unexplainable lows that my doctors blames on my medications...has led me to spend Valentine's Day in a special way. Tonight I'm going to help out with a dessert/game night for homeless men. Its a service event the church I sing at is sponsoring. I've decided that Valentine's Day is about loving everyone, including yourself. Why not spread some love to some people who might not have anyone to love them right now?

So last year I adopted this "love hard and love fully" philosophy and it was great. Valentine's Day really sucks less when you hate it less. Embrace it, eat a lot of chocolate and smile at the couples instead of glare. You'll feel better. I know I do.

Until next time.

Here It Comes

There are a lot of things coming up. In about 5 posts, the 100th post of Life After College will debut. It is huge because I can never commit to anything so I'm proud of keeping up with something for over two years. Spring is coming up and that is good. It was in the mid 40s all weekend which was actually warm to us frozen Northerners. I actually saw poor souls in tank tops and shorts because they wanted to embrace the chilly springish weather. If I wasn't on a heating strike with PECO, I'd be out there donning my short sleeves too. (Last month's bill was OUTRAGEOUS so I'm engaging in a heatless strike). It doesn't benefit me or PECO but I like the perserverence. I'm not using my heat for the month of Feb. They don't get my money and I bundle up like an Eskimo. Valentine's Day is coming up. I hate Valentine's Day. But it is going to be about 50 degrees on Vday. So maybe I'll go out for a walk along the river after work. All the couples should be having dinner together so I should be able to escape the dressed up guys with flowers and the girls looking head over heels in love. Enjoy it peeps.

The past few posts I wrote were never published because they were too full of depressed stories and self loathing. While I'm pretty certain I may be suffering from clinical depression and I'm too stubborn to seek the professional help that can cure it, I will spare you a boring, sad sad post. Instead I thought I'd just share some interesting things about myself for the sake of entertainment. After all, that is what I live to do.

So here we go:

5 Random Trends/Fads I Never Caught On To:

1. Jeggings - I tried a pair on one day and was terrified with what I saw. I think they were made for skinny people only.

2. Reality TV - Yup, I don't really watch American Idol, Survivor, The Bachelor, The Amazing Race...etc. However, I did get engrossed in Project Runway last season. But I don't watch that anymore either.

3. Glee - Never jumped on the "Gleek" bandwagon. I watched about 10 minutes of it and thought "nope not for me." It could be because I don't really care for musicals...which is like a Christian saying they don't really care for God if you're a theatre major (which I was).

4. Victoria Secret Apparel including the "Pink" collection - I just can't bring myself to buy a $35 bra when I can get 3 bras for that price at the Hanes store. Now I know there is some sort of sex appeal when you walk out of VS carrying your pink bag which you tend to use as a lunch box, purse, and whatever means which allow you to flaunt your bag in public. I never caught onto that trend. It seems expensive and pointless.

5. Apple mania - I have to admit, I own an Ipod and I will probably purchase the new nano soon. I was against the Ipad until I learned you can compose digital music on it which peaked my interest, however, I do not own a Mac, Iphone, Ipod Touch, or any other Apple project (minus an Ipod...Gen 1). I loved the Motorola commercial where everyone is wearing white...because its true the world is brainwashed by Apple Products. Crackberry Lover For Life! (cradels Torch).

5 Random traits that make me seem like a man (sometimes a gay man):

1. I find sentimentality in everything: "oh boy! This is that parking lot where that song came on and we sang at the top of our lungs together" enough said.

2. I despise wearing heels. I know they make me look sexy and jazz up any outfit but I hate that they are so uncomfortable. I'd rather be comfortable over looking jazzy. Therefore, I'm a dude.

3. I think pizza and beer is one of the best meal inventions since the beginning of time.

4. I'm starting to grow a blonde mustache. Trust, I don't embrace it and it makes me uncomfortable.

5. I use words like "bro" "dude" and "yo" on a daily basis. I take pride in belching and tackling others and not only do I like sports, but I actually understand them.

5 Elements of My Current Life Crisis

1. Physically, I'm a disaster...I'm obese, I have one of those grandma pill containers filled to the brim with daily meds, I can never get my hair to look normal, and I've been sick three different ways in the past month.

2. I lack the self esteem I once had. I feel insecure when I have to call the phone company let alone talking to strangers or GULP guys.

3. I'm suffering a severe bout of self-loathing. Nothing anyone says or does makes me feel like the multi-talented and valuable person that I supposedly am.

4. I'm terrified of rejection in all forms. I'm scared to submit my writing to anywhere because I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared to talk to guys because I assume they will just dismiss me because I'm so insecure right now. I'm terrified to try new things for feal of failure and thus rejection of myself.

5. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm doing well in my current field but I am uncertain I want to pursue this field as a longterm career.

5 Random Talents I Have:

1. I'm one helluva radio dj

2. I get myself into the most awkward and interesting situations, most of the time without even trying.

3. I can make people laugh until milk comes out their nose.

4. I am a damn good writer.

5. I am great with working with people, from college kids, to the elderly, to homeless women and children.

5.5 I'm a damn good performer.

5 Random Guilty Pleasures/Quirks About me

1. I enjoy watching Jeopardy and answering with a question aloud

2. I like saltine crackers with cake icing on them as a snack

3. I'm slightly addicted to Grenadine Syrup

4. I sleep with a stuffed dog named Scrappy...and I have since 1st grade

5. I feel the need to clean my apartment every weekend.


Thats it, no more.

Until next time...

Hold On To 47 Degrees

On my way to work this morning as I walked the streets of North Philadelphia, I did something I haven't done in a long time. I SMILED on my way to work. I still adore my job and things are busy but not particularly stressful. However, during this walk I recalled a time when my friend and I were at Penn Treaty Park eating sandwiches and sweating buckets while an elderly man with his shirt raised over his stomach kept running laps around the park, making comments each time he passed. Why did I remember such a bizarre memory? Because it was 47 degrees outside...the first time in two months where I could walk to work without seeing my breath. This weather has been horrible and apocolyptic. I think I've devloped that seasonal disorder where you get depressed because the sun doesn't shine...ever. No wonder people in Alaska go crazy! I take Vitamin D twice a day and I still don't feel all that happy and perky.

I need abundant sunshine. Warmth. Blue skies and an occasional rockstar thunderstorm.

This week has been anything but easy. I've battled "normal" reactions to my new medications, stomach cramps that make you want to go to the light, and general uneasiness/moodiness with a nice slap of pessimism.

On Saturday I had a great day with my friend David from William and Mary. We went to the Academy of Natural Sciences and enjoyed a fun day of nerdin out. What was refreshing about being with David is that I could be my silly self....a certain part of myself I tend to conceal when I'm with older or new people. There is just something liberating about sticking your head in a dinosaurs mouth for a picture or pretending you're falling head first into a snow covered fountain. For one day, I was a kid again and I loved it.

Saturday night marked the beginning of "the week of the pain." That night my stomach and female organs rebelled against me in such a way I thought I was going to die. I was exhausted from a long and fun day. All I wanted to do was sleep but sleep I could not. Not with all of that pain. I think it finally subsided around 1:30am or so. It was just a rough night....that led to a rough week of pain, fatigue, and ill feeling all over.

But I'm married to my job and lack common sense so of course I come in to work to make everyone else miserable! I spend the day, strapped to my desk chair, being non productive and complaining about everything. In my mind, its the right thing to fight through the pain and come to work to do my job. In reality, I should have stayed home, recovered properly, and came back to work refreshed and ready to be very productive. Fail.

So today is the best I've felt in awhile. I finally picked up my new TV at Walmart and have become somewhat addicted to it. The stars are aligned and I can start focusing on what is important.

That would be....trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life because I love my job but I'm not sure this is the career path I want to head down, sticking to a firm and disiplined fitness regieme, actually practcing my 12 steps to happiness, learning new things like increasing my proficiency in Spanish, writing something to submit to my montly writer's group, and actually being social. I'm too young to be a hermit.

Let's work towards getting these things accomplished!

I'll start tomorrow...or maybe Friday.

Until Next Time...

*insert sound of noisemaker here*

Happy New Year everyone! I had a post about post-Christmas fun but I never had time to finish it. Christmas was great, got snowed in, had a wonderful time with family. Got to stay home an extra day because of the crazy snow. A true highlight would be my dog, Ralph, on Christmas morning, barking and wagging his tail like an excited 5 year old because Santa came and he was allowed to rip up paper. Ralph was very happy. :)

The end of December went by in a blur. One day at work which was a late day. Then New Years Eve. I went out with some friends to a bar in Old City and rang in the new year with the best of them. Had a few drinks, watched some fireworks and went home to thankfully my own bed. Went to the Mummers parade on New Years Day and enjoyed some mummery. Then spent the rest of the day recovering from my escapades.

I didn't make a resolution but rather a 12 step plan to happiness. I thought that if I made 12 individual goals and worked towards each one I'd be a healthier, happier and better person.

With fitness being a top priority, I decided to take a Bikram Yoga intro week set of classes. My first class wasn't as bad as I was expecting. It was hard but it was fun and I could get the just of a lot of the poses. When I went to take the class again two days later, I could barely stay in the room. I was suffocating in the heat, I couldn't hold a single pose, I cheated throughout the poses just to get through them.

I left that second class feeling tired and defeated. I swore I'd never give up but I was really considering doing so. I spent the evening feeling sick and just not in a great mood. I take my third class on Sunday morning. I hope it goes better than before. Afterwards I'm planning on switching to a new Yoga studio closer to work and see if I like their yoga better. I'll be able to take a variety of classes including Yoga for Fat People (politely termed, Yoga for Larger Bodies). I'm excited to be in a room full of my people as we wobble and groan our way through the postures while constantly readjusting our tanktops to stay covering our massive bellies.

I was recently put on Metformin, a drug used to help with insulin production and regulation. I do not have diabeties, but my endocrine specialist thought that maybe this drug will help me lose weight and regulate things better. It causes heartburn and an upset stomach the first week and then it is supposed to reduce your appetite. So I thought this drug combined with healthy eating and exercise should help me lose weight and become a healthier person!

I knew it would take hard work with diet and exercise in combination with the drug but I didn't know it would come with huge sacrafices. I am almost forbidden to drink alcohol on this stupid pill. I have to take it twice a day. An occasional glass of wine is acceptable. This news is nothing short of devastating. For someone whose mini bar consists of Long Island Ice Tea mix, Tequila, Pink Lemonade Vodka, Everclear and Rum....this is just sad. Now, I do not drink as much or as frequently as I did in college. When I go out with friends, I'll have a few mix drinks or a few beers. When I'm home in the apartment, I might have a glass of wine once a week with a nice dinner I cook. However, I feel like this restriction put upon me is unfortunante. It means when I go out with friends I have to be happy with a beer. The drug interactions are so terrifying (chance of developing a disease which has a 50% mortality rate increases by drinking alcohol while on this pill) that I don't want to drink at all.

Cutting down on drinking was not part of the 12 step plan to happiness. Guess it is now. So I'm pretty bummed but hopefully I'll save money on cab rides and booze since my going out on the town has been cut down. Bring on all the museums, concerts and church events because the bar scene is going to become a less important part of my life.

Until next time...

Love is What You Make It

The title of this blog has nothing to do with the blog. I'm pretty sure Tommy Tom sings a song called "Take Me Out" and the title of this blog is a song lyric. I'm listening to the song right now.

That being said, I owe the world an update, I suppose. Two weekends ago I went home for the Holiday. I had a nice and lengthy stay (A WHOLE WEEK)on the Eastern Shore of Virginia. I was finally able to go hunting with my dad! I don't think I'm cut out for waking up at 4am every morning and sitting in a shooting house for several hours while freezing my butt off, but I am cut out for the afternoon trips. I was the only person who saw a deer all weekend! It was out of range and behind some trees though. I got to go out about two times and I really enjoyed it!

I also got to visit my favorite places such as the Thrift Stores, the new Wal-Mart and others as well. I ate plenty of turkey, had plenty to be thankful for, and overall had a wonderful trip.

I returned to my oh-so-glamorous life in Philadelphia on December 1st. It is hard to believe that I have been living in my apartment for almost a whole month now! As I write this, it HAS been over a month! I still have a few boxes I need to unpack and the Christmas lights need to be put up. Other than that, the place looks great. I have my little Christmas tree up and the fishtank area is all decorated.

Work was crazy because once you're gone a week it is as if you're gone a whole year. I spent the greater part of the tail end of the week, catching up on paperwork, assessments and other various odds and ends.

This past weekend was pretty epic, though. I finally know how to work those bike racks on the SEPTA busses since I had to use them about 3 or 4 times over the weekend. I traveled to Huntingdon Valley for a birthday party at the Sisters of the Holy Redeemer motherhouse. It was great to see my old friends that I used to live with and interact with each day. I even stayed overnight in my old room where I lived when I volunteered! I went to Mass on Sunday with the Sisters as well. It was a great weekend of merriment and partying and well...a lot of traveling in this cold cold weather.

On Sunday I had a meeting in Fishtown about a potential writing gig. I can't say much about it except for the fact that I'm really excited about it. It is more of a project than a long standing freelancing job. This project is unlike anything I've ever done before! I'm still trying to convince myself 100% that I am capable of taking on such a unique project. That is all I'm going to say about that! Sorry to keep you wondering. :)

By the time I arrived back at my apartment on Sunday night, I almost kissed the floor. Bike riding in the city is quite the experience. Cars are about 6 inches away from you on all sides. You have to ride dangerously close to parked cars too! I'm also pretty sure that I ticked off every SEPTA bus driver who had to wait while I put my bike on the bike rack. To get to the suburbs I had to ride my bike about 6 blocks, take the subway, take TWO buses, and then ride my bike another 8-10 blocks up and down hills in 30 degree weather!!! To get back, I had to skip after mass lunch and catch a bus to catch a subway. I had to store my bike at work because I don't have a U-lock yet. Then I went to my meeting, walked back to work, biked to the subway, got off in the city and biked 6 blocks back to my apartment.

I met a lot of interesting people along the way. There was the old man who kept repeating his stories of waiting for the bus while we waited for a very late bus. Then I met a really nice guy who talked to me about bike riding as I waited for the elevator to get onto the EL platform. He was really nice and wished me Merry Christmas about twice. :) I also can't forget all of the people who offered to help me carry my bike up mass amounts of stairs. There were more encounters and interactions but I can't remember them right now.

So today I am on the tail end of a cough/cold. I'm excited about my new project, relativly caught up at work and desperatly wishing for warmer weather. The holiday programs at my work are about to be in full swing so I forsee being very busy until after Christmas. Other than that, life is just...well..good.

Until next time....

I've Moved!!!!

That's right folks! I have officially moved! The day I have been dreaming about, whining about and pining for, finally came. It was an epic adventure of a weekend (to which my body is still recovering) but it was worth it. As promised, here are the deets.

Tuesday 11/2 - I officially signed my lease and was supposed to get my keys but they were not available. So, I got to see the place and started freaking out. The sink in the bathroom was clogged, the fridge was a total disaster inside, there was dirt everywhere, the painters left their stuff and the apartment was a lot smaller than I had imagined (since its been almost a month since I saw the place). I was starting to stress out about a variety of things. However, Pop said he'd clean and fix things up for me and that keys would be waiting for me at the pizza shop when I moved in.

Fast forward to Friday 11/5 - I was supposed to do two car loads with Sarai and clean the apartment before moving in on Saturday. I wanted to bring stuff like dishes, cleaning supplies, boxes without lids..etc. That two load, turned into one load which turned into a minor disaster. We hit traffic upon leaving the burbs and finally got to the apartment an hour later. Well, as luck would have it, the keys that were left for me did not work in the front door. I called my landlord and an hour later...he still didn't show up. Sarai was really sick and was feeling worse by the minute. I had no choice but to unload the car onto the sidewalk and around the front door and send Sarai home so she could get to bed. So I stood there, on busy Race street, with a large portion of my belongings including a case of beer, toilet paper, cleaning supplies and various odds and ends.

Suddenly the door to the building opened and a guy about my age popped out. I nearly pounced on him as I said "I LIVE HERE LEAVE IT OPEN!!!" I took a deep breath and then calmly explained that I just moved here and my key didn't work. I guess he's seen it all because he seemed unbothered by my frantic crazy eyes. He left it unlocked. I then began to trudge up 3 flights of stairs and carry my crap into my apartment. The key worked to my apartment door, thank God!

In the middle of hauling my stuff single handedly, I met one of the pizza shop owners. He asked me where my future husband was and when I told him I was single...he promised to find me a "big strong man" for me to marry. Oh, how I love Greeks. Anyway, my landlord showed up and seem perplexed that I had gained access into the building. He tried my keys and they worked! I couldn't stop myself from laughing...the door was unlocked...of course they worked! I locked the door and we tried the keys again. Of course, they did not work. The problem? I was given the wrong keys. Pop gave me a key off his key ring and BOOM it worked. He apologized profusely, observing that I was a hot mess, literally, and went about his way.

I had a lot of cleaning ahead of me but the sink was unclogged and the fridge was cleaned! This time, the apartment seemed bigger than what I observed on Tuesday. I puttered about, putting some thing away and cleaning as much as I could. The job was too much for one person. I didn't leave until about 9:30 at night (mind you I arrived to the apt around 4). Then I made a trek that I am all too familiar with. Bus to the subway, subway to Frankford, Frankford bus to suburbs, 8 blocks walk to house. I didn't mind considering it would be my last time doing that journey.

I arrived "home" around 10:50 and decided to haul all my crap up from the basement and put it in the garage. I didn't want my moving helpers to have to trek up and down the basement steps. About an hour later, the garage clicker stopped working for me. After hauling ALL my stuff into the garage...I thought I LOCKED all my stuff in there forever. By this time I was tired, frantic, stressed, and doubting that I'd be able to fit all my stuff into my Uhaul. I went to bed at 1am.

Saturday 11/6 - MOVING DAY. 6 hours of sleep later I got up and tried to tie up as many loose ends as I could before picking up my Uhaul. I found a garage clicker that worked and managed to haul more stuff into the garage. Still intimidated by the sheer amount of my stuff, I had no choice but to get my Uhaul and hope for the best. I had a bag of clothing donations to drop off along the way. As it turns out, I RECYCLED my clothes instead of donate them to the needy. I was freaking out about this until I convinced myself that they clothes are sorted before being turned into rags and whatnot.

I get to the Uhaul place, fill out my paperwork and they pull up with my Uhaul. It had a big Venus Flytrap on the side, which I liked, and it looked...small. My biggest fear was that we wouldn't be able to get everything in that Uhaul and it looked so tiny to me. I was disappointed.

Then I had to drive the Uhaul to its first destination. I hate driving on Roosevelt Blvd...and I had to drive a Uhaul on it! (For about 20 feet but still!) I was doing really well until I hit a curb on a Northeast street. I panicked, lost my sense of direction and went to the wrong house. I had to follow my friend to get to the first destination since I spooked so easily. Once we got to the house to pick up my couch...we waited for 20 minutes only to find out the rest of the moving party was at the other house waiting for me!

After I turned the keys over to my friend...the move went smoothly. ALL of my stuff fit in the Uhaul AND it could have fit more stuff if needed. I felt so bad for not believing in my Uhaul and its sheer size. We didn't even use the "mom's attic" section of the truck. The rest of the day was kind of a blur. We pulled up to the apartment and 7 people helped me unload everything. It took us maybe, an hour and a half to get all my stuff into my apartment. Afterwards I bought everyone pizza and returned the Uhaul. We stayed under the gas limit and mileage so I didn't have to pay any extra fees! I wish I took more pictures of the move but everything was happening so quickly. Plus, I didn't want to stand around taking pictures while everyone helped move my stuff.

When I returned from the Uhaul drop off, I discovered that I didn't have my apartment keys. I looked back in the car I drove, around the car, in the apartment, and even had people check the Uhaul drop off place. My keys were nowhere to be found. So my first night in my new place was a little rough. I saw my first bug. I couldn't figure out how to take a nice hot shower. There was an incredibly about of cleaning that needed to be done. I was stressed about the lost keys, the apartment was freezing, I was incredibly exhausted, and I couldn't believe how quickly the process went. I am so grateful for everyone who helped me with this move. I couldn't have done it without them!

Sunday 11/6 - I woke up in the middle of the night freezing and shaking. I wrapped Gilbert's fishbowl in a towel...hoping to warm his water a little bit. I put on fuzzy socks and about 3 blankets onto my already blanketed bed. What a night! When I woke up I kicked into major productivity mode. I put together my kitchen, washing each dish and putting it away. I arranged the living room to roughly how I want it. I called my landlord to get a new set of keys and fortunately, he was understanding of my situation. I was chained to the apartment but at least I got a lot done.

Friday 11/11 - Its almost been a week and I have some clothes in the closet. I've figured out how to take nice hot showers. I'm slowly creating innovative ways to keep the heat inside my building and to keep the draft outside. I haven't seen any bugs (although the mouse trap under the sink worries me). I found the best way to sleep on my bed is close to the wall. I still sleep with socks on but I can sleep though the night easily. I've managed to break down tons of cardboard boxes and recycle them. And most of all, when I open that door after a long day at work...I feel like I'm home. Two nights ago I made Tuna Helper and danced in my kitchen. Sometimes I'll take down my ghetto curtains (a blanket and a huge cardboard box) and look at the PECO building thinking to myself that I always dreamed of living in a big city and here I am.

I made it.

Until next time....

I Can Hear the Allelujah Chorus

What a whirlwind of a week. One week ago I had off from work for the first time in forever and my mom drove up to PA with a carload of my stuff to store at my current homestead. I drove us back down to VA and spent the weekend with my parents and of course, Ralph, my adorable yet elderly dog. It was a short stay, but I enjoyed it very much. Inspired by the show, "Hoarders," I decided to de-clutter my bedroom and purge of all clothing that didn't fit and donate toys and other items to the needy. I then packed more necessary things that I'd like to have with me as I start my independent life in Philadelphia.

I was privileged to visit the Eastern Shore of VA Wal-Mart which was AWESOME. It has been a long time coming. I recognized about 20 or so people in the famous Wal-Mart but seemingly wandered the aisles un-noticed. It was like wearing a disguise and watching your neighborhood interactions. I think it is because the last time a lot of these people saw me I weighed about 70 lbs lighter and had bleached blond hair. :)
After the Wal-Mart trip, I treated the parents to some Chinese food at Dragon House. Now that I'm gainfully employed, I've decided I need to start paying "parent support."

Sunday came like lightening and it was time to pack up and head back North. My mom and I split the drive and she stayed with me for a few days in my friend's house that I'm staying in. I got to leave work a little early to spend the evenings with her. We got to go to the park and eat out a few times. It was really nice having her in that normally empty house for awhile. (My friend is on vacay).

That was the highlights of the week in short...oh wait one more thing. So I've spent a lot of time wallowing in self pity, complaining about my weight gain and thinking that "once I get my own place my life will improve." To be honest, I don't know if having my own place will solve all of my problems. Chances are, it will probably create new ones. Needless to say, I've overcome these self deprecating thoughts with a new hope.

Here is a worthwhile story:

Monday morning rolls around and I'm in work. I have TONS to do but I spend a good portion of my free time stalking Craigslist. My mother is in town and it would be great to take her on a few apartment tours with me. So I spend the day desperately finding places we can go look at so her visit here seems to be productive. I checked Craigslist every 15 to 20 min for new listings. I found out the house I wanted to see was already under an agreement. I was going to go look at a place in the ghetto if I had to. Well, suddenly I click on an apartment listing that is in an area that I wasn't even considering due to the price.

The ad was two sentences and in all caps. There were no pictures, no descriptions, just a number to call for showings. Normally I just move on to the next ad but something inside of me said "call this number." The end of this fairytale is predictable but we're going to enjoy the suspense anyway.

So I called and by the end of the phone call I had an appointment to see a one bedroom apartment right outside Logan Square in CENTER CITY at 4pm. I called my mother and she picked me up at 3:30pm. I drove us though the city, trying to suppress the panic attack welling inside of me and the heart attack that was bound to happen since we got lost twice on our way to the place. For some odd reason, my heart races, my lungs close up and I get really nervous before viewing an apartment. It happened at the last one which was a tiny little apartment covered in layers and layers of filth. As I'm driving through the city I think to myself "This better be worth it."

I arrived at the location 15 minutes late, but I called to warn them I missed the exit off the interstate. The guy who put up the ad told me to go to this pizza shop and ask for "Pop." "Pop" would show me the apartment and if I had any questions I could call this other guy. Ok...random...but I thought what the hey. It was in a great location at an amazing price. I figured it would be this small little hole in the wall that had barely enough room for a bed and a table.

So I walked in the shop, asked for "Pop" and was greeted by this elderly Greek man. We walked outside and I talked to him, trying desperately to make a good impression in case this apartment was indeed, the one. Meanwhile my mother is trying to parallel park and having some difficulty. I'm staring through the car like its not even there. So Pop steps in and helps her park with hand motions that aren't exactly helpful. She gets situated and then we were finally able to go see the apartment.

After three mini flights of stairs we stopped at a door down a short hallway. Pop opened the door and I walked inside.

To Be Continued.....






I'm kidding. Inside the apartment I was greeted by lime green walls which I found kind of charming. There was a living room, a kitchen, a bathroom and a HUGE bedroom. I couldn't believe the size of everything! I immediately fell in love with the place. It was charming, big enough for me but small enough to maintain.

That evening we drove by the place to see what the area looks like at night. Between the Brownstone mansion row homes and the plethora of museums, taverns, shops, and art galleries, I think I'll be fine. I'm a skip and a hop away from parks, shops, landmarks, and other fun things. I called them up and told them I wanted the place! They were going to show it again at 1:30pm the next day. Well, fortunately they were understanding and asked me to sleep on it. So I did, called the next morning, and once again said "I WANT IT!"

I should be moving in around the first weekend of November. I couldn't have asked for a more affordable price and a more amazing location. My landlord is Pop and his son helps out as well. Laundry is a Brownstone away. Everything is electric. The bus picks me up two blocks away and drops me off one block from my place at night. I'm in the middle of EVERYTHING Philly so I will never get bored. Ever. I'm beyond excited!

After a weekend home with the family and a whirlwind week where for once in my life "things just happen to fall into place," I couldn't be happier. Enough wallowing, enough complaining. It is time to live the life I dreamed of. I've got a great job. I've got loyal friends and I have an amazing place. What more could I ask for?

Until next time....

A Likely Story

Picture this. Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Girl falls head over heels for boy.

Boy might like girl. Boy clearly likes girl. Wait, does boy like girl?

Girl makes attempt to hang out with boy. Boy can't go. Girl makes attempt to hang out with boy. Boy can go but something comes up. Girl makes attempt to hang out with boy. Boy forgets. Girl makes attempt to hang out with boy. Boy has really good excuse.

Girl is scolded by highly feminist best friend. Girl makes attempt to hang out with boy. Boy has really good excuse.

A likely story, right? On my never ending quest to find Mr. Right...who am I kidding....Mr. Right Now...I've set myself up for a one-sided game. In a sense, I'm basically playing fetch with myself. I'm throwing the ball and waiting...and waiting...and eventually throwing my hands up and retrieving the ball myself. That is, only to throw it out there again.

No America, I am not that desperate. I met a very kindred soul that produced instant
sparks. Now I'm on a quest to capture the heart of that kindred soul. As you can see, I am clearly failing. It is kind fun, the chase I mean. In the eye of the feminist, I should just strap on my apron right now, tighten up my girdle, quit my job and begin practicing domestic living. It is a horror to actually pursue someone so...adamantly and with reckless abandon. Its kind of misogynistic.

It is not called desperation it is called fortitude. Never giving up. I once waited 8 hours in line just to be a foot away from Queen Elizabeth II for a hot second. I waiting in line for the Cage the Elephant Concert for 3.5 hours just so I could be in the front row. I'm good at waiting and I'm good at never giving up. It would be one thing if I kept trying and trying to throw the ball and picking it up where it landed. But honestly, I think I throw the ball and it does get picked up and dropped closer to me. Because each time I go to retrieve it...it doesn't seem as far away as the last time.

Until next time....

A Public Apology

Dear Friends,

Hey besties, family, friends, aquaintences, stalkers, and even enemies. I would like to apologize to all of you for my absence from your lives. From the bottom of my heart I am truly sorry that I do not call, text, Facebook message, reply to anything or e-mail. I used to pride myself as that person who never loses contact with the people I love...considering I still keep in touch with my first grade teacher. (Granted, I haven't sent any messages her way in awhile either). However, I can now shamefully admit that I'm not that person anymore.

Friendships and relationships take effort on both sides and I have been lacking on my side. I don't have excuses, but it is interesting how life just happens. You go from high school and hanging out everyday during the summer. Then you go into college where you lose daily touch with your high school friends but make new friends in the meantime. After college you have graduation day and suddenly your ripped from your little social circle and you and all your friends become young professionals.

You get your first job, you enter graduate school, you live with nuns for a year while doing a volunteer program or you take a year off to explore the world. Whatever it is, you're forced to make new friends, and try to keep in touch with your old ones. It is hard. Especially when you live far away from all your friends and your day consists of waking up, walking 8 blocks uphill to the bus stop, working for 8.5 hours, coming home, eating dinner, vegging out and going to bed. 5 days a week.

I've become a recluse. It takes enough effort for me to get out of bed each morning and try to do my best at my job (which as much as I complain, I do love). The extra effort it takes to call friends up on the phone or write a little e-mail is beyond what I'm capable of right now. This is sad, because I value my friendships even though I feel like I don't have any right now. I know I do...I just....yeah.

So I'm sorry I only have enough energy to get me through the motions. My life is not my own anyway. I really think that once I have my own place and my own life and my own schedule I'll be able to be social again. I'll call, post pictures of my new apartment, send texts to you when something reminds me of the good times we had and maybe even write letters by hand. Who knows. But until that happens I'm an exhausted caveman, waking up each morning only to count the hours down to when I can go back to sleep again.

I miss you all. I hope we'll re-connect soon. A life without friendships isn't really a life at all.

Love,
Mary Anna

Society Esteem

The Ancient Greeks considered larger women to be strong and fat was a sign of health and wealth. There is a country in North Africa which considers larger women beautiful. 90% of all nude portraits in the 19th centry contain large cherub women. Wide hips meant a woman was ready for child bearing and "curves" were adored. You are healthy if you have some heft to you.

Well, thank you, America/Western Ideals/21st Century. Today larger women would rather be invisible. Larger women are scorned in today's society. Obesity is the number one cause of preventable death. Healthy Americans encourage fat people to get off our lazy fat ass, put down the McDonalds cheeseburger and work out. Ugly fat can be contained, controlled, and eradicated with hard work and dedication.

I might vomit.

Thanks to today's insane and improbable beauty standards, I will never be considered drop dead georgeous unless I pay someone thousands of dollars to do my make-up each day, go under the knife to slice each slab of fat off of my body, just like we slice meat off a turkey and get fake crowns put on all my teeth so they blind people with their whiteness. Yeah, right.

I just finished reading a book called, "Good in Bed." No, it was not a racey romance novel or a karma sutra book. It was a novel about a young woman, Cannie, who is a journalist and lives in Philadelphia. She is a size 16 and hates every part of her body. The book takes readers into an adventure of self-esteem, self-loathing, unexpected surprises, ignorant ex-boyfriends, depression, and self-acceptance. This book has now made my favorite book list because Cannie was incredibly easy to relate to. She has my dream job - journalism, she lives in my city - Philadelphia, she has a dog and great friends. I love how she says "There are many words that are used to describe me such as genuinene, loving, loyal, funny, honest and hard-working but the only word I can think of myself is fat."

Ditto kiddo, and triple it. Throughout high school I had a decent body. I wasn't a skinny super model and I never looked good in a bikini, however, I was decently slender and had curves in the right places...namely my ass. Of course college happened and my nice little body became morphed into a large oozing mass of too much cafeteria food, late night pizza, and underage beer. The heft around my midsection began to collect and expand. By senior year I was huge. My double chin rolled over the collar of my graduation gown and my full cheeks resembled Santa Clause. Not to mention that I thought I looked good with blonde hair and by graduation my hair was half greasy brown and half over processed blonde. Hot.

Then I lived in a convent for a year where ample food was at my disposal. Every Sunday I was treated to an amazing buffet of home cooked meals. We ate as a community on Weds and Sundays so whatever was cooked...you ate. Every meal was delicious but I doubt every meal was healthy. Of course I went to the doctor who told me I needed to lose weight or else. I found the motivation somewhere and limited sweets, sodas, beer, and fast food. I drank water like a champion and worked out at least 3 days a week. It was hard and I was tired a lot, but the gym was right next door to the convent so I had no excuses not to go over and work out. I lost a total of 20 lbs! I looked great and I felt a lot healthier.

Naturally I fell off the wagon. I discussed this in a previous post. I gained all the weight back and now I'm out of control. I am living with a friend and am subject to her diet. I don't get home from work until close to 7pm and sometimes don't eat dinner until almost 8pm. Our meals are always delicious and normally home cooked but we are big fans of unhealthy as well. For example, last night I got home around 7:40 or something. We went to Wendy's for dinner. I had a Crispy Chicken Sandwhich, Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, Fries and a Salad. Then we split a Frostee. Mmmm Healthy.

I don't have time to work out. I don't have a venue to work out. I was trying to walk every other night at my favorite park but when I get home close to 8pm, its just not feasible. I really don't think I'm going to be able to reverse the effects of this dramatic weight gain until I have my own apartment and can purchase a gym membership or find a new walking route. I kind of wish I had a dog so I'd be forced to get up early every morning to let him out for a walk!

I have always been a little self conscious (except in high school when I was perfectly happy with my weight despite the fact other people didn't think I was skinny enough). I think the tip of the iceberg wasn't my new doctor prescribing diet and exercise again. I think it was the night I went out with my friend, Sarai. We had a few drinks and didn't have dinner so we went to Lorenzo's a sweet pizza joint that sells giant slices of pizza for $2.50. I was eating one of my two slices of pizza the size of my head when I accidentially knocked into a guy on the sidewalk. (I remember it being kind of crowded). I just bumped his arm but he actually said to me "watch it big girl." I can still hear those scornful words.

Then there was a guy I was kind of talking to at a bus stop for awhile. We swapped numbers and I thought we might actually hang out. That night I thought to myself "Oh my goodness! Maybe he didn't notice that I was fat! Maybe he actually thought I was beautiful and wonderful and amazing!" I let myself think this only to find out that he thought "it would be nice to hold me because I have more body to me." This other girl he was crazy about was "really thin." See, fat chicks don't want a guy who loves her because she is has more body, is fat, bbw, thick or curvey. Fat chicks want a guy who loves her and doesn't notice she is fat. Or if he does notice....he doesn't say anything about her weight.

The night I caused a whole club to clear the dance floor while I danced to "Baby Got Back" was memorable....but I can't help but think that everyone was so impressed by me because of my "courage." Despite my undesirable body size, I still went out and danced. I gave hope to fat people everywhere. I don't want to give hope to anyone....I want someone to see me as a good dancer before they see me as that fat girl who can dance. Just like successful black people want to be known for being smart or successful instead of black and successful or smart and black.

Your parents tell you that you are beautiful, but they have to. They brought you into the world and even if you are an ugly duckling now, they can't throw you back. If I'm so damn beautiful than would someone explain to me why no attractive, normal, single male is interested in me. Why have I been single for going on 6 years now? Even if I was happy with myself, society would beat me down to remind me that I'm not pretty enough for the guys out there. I can't be happy with myself if I'm this huge blob that takes up space.

My best friend up here is 30 years old. Our age difference is rarely realized until we get on the topic of men. My worst fear, I decided, is dying alone....childless...without a husband. My friend thinks that is ludacris because she has come to the realization that some people will walk the planet, never finding their souls counterpart. Granted, she only knows of one or two married couples her age when I know about 75 married/engaged couples. People tell me I need to embrace the single life because it is the only time I have to be by myself and to find out who I am. Believe me, I've spent plenty of time with myself, I'm aware of who I am, who I will become, who I wish I was and who I'm glad I am not. I don't need any more time for self discovery or I'll just destroy myself.

I guess I'm just to young to understand that dying single and alone is not the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I guess I'm too immature to realize that I am beautiful. The average American doesn't give a shit what you look like on the inside. Its all a superficial game of judging books by their covers.

So while "Good in Bed" was empowering, I'm still resting by the poolside of self pity and I'm comfortable here. I don't have the energy to make a change in my lifestyle right now. In a way, I don't even have any control over my life until I can be on my own.

Until next time....

"I'll Be 23" or "No one likes you when you're 23"

These are two songs about being/becoming 23. Which is what happened yesterday, for me. So I had a birthday and it was awesome. I had to work (my birthday tends to fall on the 1st day of college classes, the 1st day of volunteer work...etc) but it was all good because clients and coworkers wished me happy birthday all day. I had an overwhelming 123 facebook posts for my birthday (admit it, you count too just for fun) and my parents did everything they could to make my birthday a special day short of actually being in PA.

Becoming 23 made me think...alot...about a lot of things. No I'm not questioning the meaning of life or reflecting about how "old" or "young" I am. Rather, I realized how meaningful it is to wish someone happy birthday. I'm making it a personal goal to wish my facebook friends happy birthday on their respective days. I'd usually ignore the birthday list and check my OWN stuff. Well, people from high school, middle school, college, random parties...etc were wishing me happy birthday. I thought, if all of these people can take 30 sec out of their busy day to wish me, someone that many of them have not talked to in some time, happy birthday...why can't I try to make someone else's day by doing the same? So I'm going to work on that. I also decided to thank each person individually on their wall. It took forever, but it was certainly worth it.

I also got an appreciation for the value of life. I'm a member of a Writer's Group in Philadelphia. This morning I awoke to an e-mail to the group from our organizer. Well, one of the members passed away. I had never formally met this individual and only knew them because they were at the last meeting. Death never ceases to amaze me. One day you are here and the next day you are not. I hope this member's family will heal from their loss. This person was working on writing fiction...they were retired and really into writing. May they rest in peace.

So about that novel...yeah...kind of need to get started on it. Because..you never know...

Anyway I'm here at work trying to find motivation anywhere. I've checked under my desk and behind the door and even in my half empty cup of coffee. No motivation to be found. I have to make back to school packets for the clients, do some assessments, organize some protocols and all sorts of fun stuff but I'm tired. I stayed up late watching the Phillies lose in a 16 inning game. Bah, it was horrid.

Here's to being 23!

Until next time...

Betwixt and Between

So I started working for pay on July 26th. As you must know by now, Project Rainbow hired me as a full time PAID Youth Advocate. My boss jokes and says "she made herself irreplaceable." That was my goal, right? To be honest, work is the only consistent thing in my life right now. With the school year right around the corner, I'm gearing up for launching the tutoring programs again and helping our families get ready for back to school. It is a busy time for me and I love it. So, work is awesome. I've gotten some new responsibilities as well but I'm always looking for that task that makes me feel like superwoman. For example, last week my boss and her assistant went to a meeting. They came back and told me about an essay contest for kids. If they did the contest they could win a gift card for back to school but the entries were basically due back that day. I thought it would be damn near impossible to get the kids to write the little essay, get the parents to sign off on them, and fax them to the agency before the day ended. Sure enough, I did just that and all but one entry was sent before 3pm! (I got this assignment at around 12:30). "She was on a mission," my coworkers said. That I was. I love moments like that.

I'm still getting used to the 8.5 hour days. As a volunteer, I'd work through my lunch break to earn more hours. Now I HAVE to take a lunch break because I don't get paid for that. haha I also have to stay until 5:30pm. It isn't that bad but I find myself staring at the clock from 5pm on, just waiting to be released. Wassup, real world.

As for my life life, well, it doesn't really exist. I'm in a perpetual transition and I'm sort of just rolling with things. I moved out of the convent yesterday and in with a friend from work. Basically, I realized that the convent, amidst its own little transitions, would need some time to form a new community (2 members moving to a new house, 2 members moving in). So I politely excused myself from the whirlwind of change and moved in with said friend. The irony is, I had less than 24 hours to settle in my new habitat before I drove to NJ to house-sit/cat-sit for my friend who is on vacation. I'm staying at her house for a week before returning to the friends house. My commute from Jersey to Philly was a breeze today. Something tells me I'm not going to be so lucky during the rest of the week.

So look at that, I moved out of the convent a little earlier than expected, in with a friend for a hot second, temporarily out to house/cat sit, then I'm moving back in for a month or so. I'm halfway unpacked because, as homey as my new home is, it isn't MY home. It is someone else's home. I'm welcome in it, but its not MINE. So I want nothing more than to drop 2 grand on a apartment and start living my life. However, I don't have 2 grand when I have credit card bills, phone bills and yes, those Godforsaken student loans. I had about $70 for my first paycheck (1 week's pay) after the rest of it went to pay off loans and crap. Sheesh. It makes me wonder if I can really survive out there on my own. I'm having to adjust to new bills and figuring for how much car insurance would cost (an arm, a leg, and your first born child in Philadelphia per month), as well as get my doctors appointments straight (yay health insurance and new doctor) and apartment hunt as well. Talk about multi-tasking. :-/

As you can see, I've been a little bit stressed. It kind of reminds me of my fish. Every time I change his water, he has to readjust to it. I know the temperature and Ph isn't matched exactly. So he has to adjust with each new environment, which changes weekly. So far he's been doing great but I bet all that adjusting takes a lot out of him. And he isn't gracefully put into the clean bowl either. I don't have a fishy net yet so I literally DUMP him from his carrier container into his clean bowl. So he enters the new water HEAD FIRST and then he must adjust. That is EXACTLY how I feel right now. Although I'm getting the hang of this adjustment thing.

Bad news and good news. Bad first--remember my weight loss challenge? Lose weight to look great in that bathing suit by Sept 12th? Yeah..well...the house in NJ has a great high-tech bathroom scale, which, against my better judgement, I got on. I weigh exactly the same amount I weighed ONE YEAR AGO when I realized I had to lose that damn 50lbs to live a healthier life. So I lost about 20lbs, looked great, got too stressed out for my own good, fell off the diet wagon, and gained it all back. So I am literally back where I started one year later. It depresses me beyond words. The good news on this topic is that cat/house sitting friend gave me money to buy groceries. So I'm going to treat myself to some watermelon, cucumbers, lean chicken breast and peaches. I'm going to drink way more water. The other good news is that friend I live with has an elliptical in the basement. The elliptical is making sweet love to my exercise ball. I assure you both will remain dust free. Its like a mini gym 30 seconds from my bedroom. So time to lose weight...AGAIN. I'm starting to get really wigged out by my weight. Last Saturday I accidentally bumped into a guy on the street while eating a big slice of pizza. "Watch it big girl, " he said. That still gets to me.

The other news is just some epic stories. You know me. Two weeks ago I went to the Piazza with my bestie to see Needtobreathe and OK Go play, live, for FREE! Afterwards we went on a drinking tour of the city. No, really, we bar hopped, enjoying over proofed drafts of strong beer and cheap delights. We ended up at my new favorite bar, Jons Bar and Grill on South Street. You can not beat their drink specials. I'm making friends there as well, including a regular, her fiance and the bartender. After indulging in alcoholic goodness, we went to end our night at this nightclub on Market street. I finally looked at the place sober so I know where/what it is. (The first time I went in because I heard hip hop and never knew what the place was called).

So we're in this small club dancing, watching retro rap videos on the screen, jumping to Vanilla Ice and sweating out whatever we consumed over the past five hours. I get some water and "Baby Got Back" came on. Well, these girls on a couch saw me dancing earlier so they get all excited and say "THIS IS YOUR SONG GIRL, GET OUT THERE!" So I'm like, yeah it kind of is, and I give my friend my water. I start dancing and I'm totally in my element when all of the sudden I realize I am the only person on the dance floor. Everyone cleared the floor, formed a circle around me and started cheering me on. At one point a girl got in the middle but she couldn't keep up. So its just me, dancing, like I walked out of a plus size hip hop dance video to "Baby Got Back," which I do got. When I realized it was the MA show, I started dancing better, dropping it like its on fire, getting my eagle on..etc. Yeah, it was awesome.

The song ends and I go back to my seat to find my friend drank all my water. Bitch. haha but it was all good. This really drunk girl comes up to me and says "OMG I LOVE YOU SO EFFING MUCH. YOU ARE MY HERO. YOU ARE THE HOTTEST CHICK IN HERE." Mind you, I am not at a gay bar. So I thank her for her um...kind words. The lights come on, its 2am and time to go. So I'm leaving and all these people are coming up to me and saying how I really know how to throw it down. The DJ pulls me over and gives me a high five. "You know how to party." "you can dance like woah." "You know how to throw down." "Girl, you were on fire out there." "That was amazing." I leave the club and walk down busy Market street only to be greeted by more....can I call them fans? I walk through a high five gauntlet of guys and girls alike. People are calling me out and high fiving me left and right. I am just walking with a huge smile on my face, thanking everyone for the compliments. Meanwhile, my best friend is like "OMG I WISH I HAD A CAMERA. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN WHAT I SAW. IT WAS SO EPIC. I THOUGHT NOTHING COULD TOP THAT PIZZA I HAD." haha. Step Up 4. what? what?

I would have went there to dance this past Saturday night, but I ended up staying at Jons...which is where I tend to find myself every Saturday night now. Its kind of funny. I have to drive to the subway, take it into the city, walk 5 blocks to South Street, walk 2 blocks on South Street, just to get to my bar. Its not convenient but I love that place. I'm networking with my friend there, the bartenders and my friend's fiance. This weekend I had Cafe Patron, a coffee liquor mixed with Patron tequila (OMG IT WAS SO DELICIOUS). At one point the whole bar did a shot together with the bartenders. The theme of the night was bombs, Jaeger and Irish Car. I learned what a pickle back shot was (1 shot Jameson chased with a shot of pickle juice), and my friend was promoting what she was drinking to the rest of the clients. A fight almost broke out over a seat at the bar. I sucked at darts. I had a guy buy me drinks and it was a jolly good time.

I don't even want to think about how many calories I consumed. Then I had late night McDonalds and returned home at oh....4am.

Typical Saturday. Typical MA. :P

Time for work. Until next time....

Its So Hard to Say Goodbye

Connie and Stephen left on Saturday and there is this feeling around the house that somebody died. We knew it was coming, we knew they'd be leaving, we knew change was on its way. However, that knowing didn't quite change the impact their absence would have on us. Saturday was a particularly difficult day.

So on Sunday I bought a fish to help fill the void that Connie and Stephen left behind. He is a male Betta and his name is Gilbert.



He keeps me company. I kind of introduced him as a new member of the community. I'm not stupid, a fish will never take the place of Connie or Stephen, but I like that he is a new addition to my life.

Monday was my first day of work. I found out my benefits are super sweet and my first check will come next week. Whoot! My new name tag says "Youth Advocate, Residential Services." I'm so excited to get back to work. I have a feeling that I have a lot of work to catch up on since I've been gone.

The past week has been all about change and transition. Some things work out and some things don't work out and I'm learning that. I've had to make a lot of "adult" decisions as of late some have been easy (waiting to purchase my new laptop instead of buying the first really great deal I see), to some hard decisions. I'm having to get quotes on car insurance, set up health insurance, figure out taxes, and apartment hunt like woah.

Ok real world, lets do this.

Until next time...

The End of an Era

I find it very fitting that I write this post at the Motherhouse of the Sisters of the Holy Redeemer. About 12 months ago, I was writing a post at this very same computer. I wrote of how excited I was to be here with the Sisters and how I hoped they would accept me into the Redeemer Ministry Corps Program. I was blown away by how "at home" I felt here. I had made friends with the Sisters quickly and easily. As you all know, I was accepted into the RMC program and begin my year long commitment on August 16th, 2009.

It has been a ride.

I lived in a community of four Sisters, one lay-person and two volunteers my own age. I can't even begin to attempt to recapture the many memories I have made throughout this year. I'm sad to say that change and transition is on its way. Connie and Stephen will be headed back to their respective homes on Saturday, this Saturday. Two of my current community members will be moving to a different community and will be replaced by two new members. I start my job this Monday, just three days after the RMC program ends. So I have a lot of adjusting to do.

I'm so happy I decided to do a year of service because I know I've picked up so many tools and gifts along the way that I won't even realize I have them until I'm out in the world. The friendships I've made are lasting. I've found my current niche in social work and am beyond excited about continuing my job at Project Rainbow. I'm finally going to be out on my own in the big city. It is hard for me to believe it.

Goodbyes are inevitable and while this transition process will be slow I feel I will adapt quickly like I always do. I'm like a social chameleon, changing my color when my atmosphere changes.

This year I learned how to be more assertive and to embrace conflict rather than flee from it. I learned how to better manage my time and how to practice effective time management skills. I rediscovered my creativity and really my true sense of self. I built my spiritual life up a bit and had time to figure out who I am, what I want and where God fits in to it all. I know I will be a social worker and a writer and damn good at both. I know I'm a wild and crazy paradox of empathy, spotlight seeking behavior and fortitude. I'm affectionate and enthusiastic like a Labrador, running on all fours with excitement and knocking things down in my path. And I'll always have that child like delight about EVERYTHING from good food to anything related to water.

I'm ready to take on the "real world" so all I can say is, Bring It On!

Until next time....

Ew.

That my friends, is me at the beginning of June in a bathing suit in Sea Isle City. Why am I posting a horrendous picture of me in a bathing suit? Well, I'm challenging myself. A few months back, when I started the volunteer program, my doctor told me I had to lose weight. I dieted and exercised and lost about 20lbs. It was great and I was in the best shape I've been since high school. Well...there is a diet wagon and I fell off of it. Not only did I fall off the wagon, but it ran over me, broke because of my speed bumps and collapsed. So, I need to rebuild that wagon and get back on it.

It all started about two months ago when I thought "I'm dieting, I can reward myself with a brownie." Every time I "rewarded" myself was a fail. I have an affinity for all things sweet, salty and alcholic. Therefore, I've managed to gain back a very large portion of the weight I lost. My photo was taken during our opening ceremony for the RMC program. My face is huge and chunky. Now I've lost the weight in my face but I think I gained it in other places. The other day I noticed this horrible hunk of flesh dangling from my lower arm. I seriously thought about jumping off a building, holding my arms out like wings because the flesh would help me glide to the ground.

So I'm challenging myself. I'm giving myself 2 months to lose weight. No pound goal, just to look better in that very same bathing suit above. In two months and one day (two months from today will be 9/11 and I really don't want to be taking bathing suit pictures on that day) I will take a picture of myself in this bathing suit an dammit I will look better! I'll post updates along the way. I really need to get back to the gym since I haven't been inside of it for about two months. Blah.

This challenge is not self deprecating. I'm not losing weight to attract guys. This time around it is for me. I'll be living on my own in two months and I need to be in shape. So Sept 12th, look forward to a new bathing suit picture. Hopefully you are not scarred from this one. Ew.

In other news, I've had epic weekend after epic weekend. Last weekend I had a date on Saturday and then on Sunday, the other two stooges and I went to the city to celebrate the 4th. I enjoyed playing in fountains, fire hydrants, meeting random people and drinking random rum and coke, as well as listen to the Roots and Goo Goo Dolls in concert for free. I also salsa danced on the street with a hot guy from Minn. All in all it was a great time! This weekend was the Mercy's farewell party so we spent quality time with them. :)

The volunteer year ends in two weeks. Holy crap. I'm going to Niagara Falls this weekend so that will be a blast. Then we have a week of debriefing and poof! Connie and Stephen are gone and I'm the last one standing. I'm totally psyched about my job, apartment hunting and all of that stuff. However, I am really going to miss this year and all the fun times I've had. I'm sad to see the year come to a close but I know the future is going to be just as epic.

Until next time....

Caught up in the whirlwind

I think I could write a book about this week. Literally. From start to finish and it could be about 200 pages. ONE WEEK. Sheesh. I told my dad that I feel like I've been swirling around in a hurricane and I have finally been spit out. Fear not friends, it has been a pretty happy hurricane...but a hurricane none the less.

At the beginning of the week, I dropped my phone in a pool which was awful because it is my lifeline. (Don't we all say that about our phones). Its own life was uncertain for a time but it was miraculously resurrected after drying in a bowl of uncooked rice. I had very little sleep on Monday night, thus bringing me to a very tiring Tuesday. Of course this would be the day I get my new office mate and apply for my job with Project Rainbow and lead prayer with Connie and Stephen for all the American, visiting German and visiting Tanzanian Sisters. I don't know how I survived Tuesday...but somehow I did. My new office mate is incredible, our prayer moved the Sisters which was great and I have never been so happy to shower and crawl into bed in my entire life.

On Wednesday night my phone regained life! I actually said if God fixed my phone I'd go to confession. Well..that's what I did Thursday.

Thursday was also the day in which I "interviewed" for my position at Rainbow and by interview I mean "here is your benefits, here is your salary, you start July 26th, congratulations!" So I have finally been granted gainful employment (And yes, I went to confession and Mass that day just to say some extra Thank Yous to the Good Lord above.) It was also the day I was planning my bestie at work's suprise birthday office gifts. I was trying to get up early, cook bacon (she loves bacon) and get to work where the maintainance man would help me break into her office and leave cooked bacon, brownies, a photo frame, a card and some other stuff on her desk and then decorate her door with "Happy Birthday Baconator!" Well...I woke up at 8:30am, the time I was supposed to be decorating her door/breaking into her office. So I got to work at 9:15am...and tried to surprise her. I failed even though I got the exclaimation point on the door before I heard her coming down the hall. Oh well. She loved the surprise. Get this, I wanted to take her out for pizza for lunch but no, SHE took ME out to a nice Mexican place for lunch to celebrate me getting the job. Additionally she told me her birthday present was getting to work with me for another year (and more)! I have great friends! I ended my glorious Thursday by watching some trashy Jersey Shore.

Friday morning I got up and went to get all my FBI/child abuse checks for my new job. As I was driving to work which is near the place I had to get fingerprinted at...I rearended the guy infront of me. So yes, I got in a fender bender the day after find out I got my job. Welcome to my life. Fortunatly everyone was ok, my car was fine and his car was only suffering minor damages. I think the thing I am most proud of is the fact I was able to remain calm. Usually I flip out and shake and cry over the smallest mistake, but I was able to be cool and calm throughout this one. Thank God. (again) I still feel like a dumbass though.

So here I am, Friday night, with a job and a working phone and a pretty undamaged car. I'm supposed to go out with the guy of my dreams tomorrow but I fear he will not call tonight (he said he would). Honestly I couldn't ask for anything more at this point. I'm alive and my future is pretty stable. The rest can wait!

Until next time...