It Started Innocently Enough....

It all started with a silly e-card that I took a screenshot of and sent to three of my best friends. 

One friend immediately replied "I'm Sophia!" and that was that. So I thought about Blanche, Rose, and Dorothy and pondered as to which Golden Girl am I most like? Now, the friends I sent this to would certainty overlap in types. We'd have two Dorothys, two Sophias and a Blanche/Rose mix. So in the context of my friend who claimed Sophia, I thought....which one am I?

I thought this musing would pass and I'd get distracted by the newest viral cat video or God forbid, actual work...but it didn't. I continued to analyze the characters I grew up watching (mainly on Lifetime) and decide which Golden Girl most accurately represents who I am.

My first thought was Dorothy. See, she's very smart, snarky, sarcastic and very to the point. She has awful luck in the love department and comes off as strong and resilient. However, with these attributes comes her horrible self-esteem. I guess my self-esteem ebbs and flows like the tide, but I think I have more gusto and confidence about myself than Dorothy. I see her as the grounded, organized leader of the four women...which I tend to be in my group of friends. However, I'm also a storytelling dreamer that lacks common sense.....

So I must be Rose. I'm one of those help the helpless, non-judgy, love all serve all kind of people. I'm kindhearted and often get taken advantage of. Most people know me for my storytelling ability. Although, rarely am I called a dumbass after reciting one of my stories. I have difficulty standing up for myself since I retreat from most verbal and direct conflict. I rarely engage in debates because I don't want to offend the other person. However, I'm anything but simple minded. Yet Rose is a grief counselor and I am a social worker....

I ruled out Blanche because she's the lovable slut and I'm lovable but nowhere near a slut. However, in terms of personality traits, Blanche and I share a lot in common. We're both bold, attention seekers, drama queens, and have fierce leadership tendencies. (Her and Dorothy clash all the time..mainly due to jealousy but their personalities are both pretty strong).

If I were to consider Sophia, I'm a storyteller and I love shutting people down with snark and love telling stories. Most of Sophia's stories have a positive reception (as do mine). I also have a bad habit of mothering my friends, being the person with the nappy wipes, and making sure we drink water on a night on the town. I have that mothering instinct which Sophia portrays in the show.

Honestly, everyone could pick a character trait from each of these women and apply it to themselves. I'd have to say I'm a mix of all four: a Golden Girl hybrid. I'm just amused that I put hours of thought into this when I should be doing other, more productive things with my time. It was an interesting experiment. Maybe I'll have to do it with Orange is the New Black characters sometime.

Until next time....

We Wouldn't Appreciate The Sunshine if It Wasn't for the Rain

Do you ever get emotional whiplash? For example, one day is horrible and makes you question yourself and your tolerance for such awful conditions. The very next day, everything turns around and you appreciate the good fortune even more than before. That old saying goes, "we couldn't appreciate the sunshine if it wasn't for the rain." I suppose that is a very accurate statement.

This Monday was one of the worst days I have had in a long time. I started the day, tired, and with a dentist appointment! I had a procedure done at the ripe time of 9am. Then my dentist tells me I have to eat soft, non-chewy foods for the next 24 hours. I had to work until 7:30 and the foods I brought to last through the day were on her "do not eat list." An easy problem to remedy but I was distraught and it stressed me out. The worst part is I was SICK. Nothing like having your mouth mauled by metal objects at 9am when you are SICK. It was awful.

On my way to work I stopped at the store to buy puddings, yogurts, jello and soup. I then proceeded to have a pretty crummy day at work. Nothing was going my way. I was alternating between being freezing and sweating. I was chain drinking tea and my mouth hurt. All I could do was try to work, eat soup and swallow yogurt. I was not a happy camper.

I found out I had to babysit for a program that evening, turns out I didn't but it was an added responsibility to my already weak state of body and mind. Then I ran my tutoring program which didn't go so well either. My kids must have had a difficult day at school for their energy was a little too much that evening, even for me. I was sick, I worked overtime, I had been called out for some stuff and I felt overwhelmed, overworked and just plain ill.

I warned my boss that I might call out sick the following day because I had been battling a fever all day. I only went to work on Monday because there was no one to cover my programs and events that day. After being beat down by the elements (and being hungry all day because chronic pudding and yogurt eating is not fulfilling) I passed out in a Nyquil haze.

Only to awake Tuesday morning, still sick. So I called out to keep my germs to myself and checked my phone. In the early light of the morning I got some great news which began the upward shift of my luck. A personal essay I submitted three weeks ago for publication was accepted! The editors would e-mail me to tell me when my story went live and then I'd receive payment for my work! This was excellent news. I'm sort of in this weird transition phase where I'm trying to freelance to get some byline credit. My latest published piece is from 2008 so...time to update the ol' writing resume. This good news couldn't have come at a better time.

I went back to sleep to get more rest and woke up feeling fairly better. I finished a paper for my law class (that I had the utmost lack of faith I did well) and bundled up for my trek to my Magazine Writing class. I arrived 15 minutes late donning sweatpants and holding a bag of Wendy's for dinner. The class stopped on my arrival. I said, "Hey guys, I'm sorry I was sick today and I came from Center City. I had to stop and get dinner. That's why I'm late and please don't judge me on the amount of food that will come out of this bag because it is going to be like Mary effin Poppins up in here." They laughed and said I made quite an entrance.

The funny thing was I was in the elevator before class with another student. I smiled at her, held up my Wendy's bag and said, "Damn. They're going to know why I'm late." She thought that was funny, as I did too.

Class was fantastic. We get off on the most random tangents. Then at some point, class turns into "Story Time with MA" and I share a personal story or two for entertainment purposes. I told the class that this feeds into my egotism but they still asked me questions about certain things.

It was a pretty good day after a pretty bad one. I tried to get to bed early but woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of my neighbors conversing across their apartment. My place was dead silent so I needed white noise. Naturally I downloaded an ambient sound app and listened to rain falling on a roof for 40 minutes as I tried to get back to sleep. I woke up exhausted. I spilled my coffee all over my office chair when I got in. BUT I got a 96 on that horrible paper I wrote. I guess it wasn't that horrible after all. :-D

So changes are happening. I'm feeling more in control of my life and its accompanying situations. Things are looking up for now and I'm going to enjoy the sunshine for as long as it lasts.

Until next time...

I don't know whether my life is made up of...

....a series of unfortunate events or a series of questionable decisions.

Maybe it is a bit of both.

The past week or so has been riddled with questionable choices and epic adventures. For example, one week ago I decided to run a 5K for shits and giggles. I registered for a "fun run" and stretched a little. I ran the race, came in dead last and spent the day drinking "free" beer out of a glass beer boot. I made new friends, I networked, I had a pretty awesome time. All. By. Myself.

Of course I indulged in the "free" beer a bit too much, ordered enough McDonalds to feed India, ordered pizza oh...and I fell off a SEPTA bus. I'm pretty sure I would have done the falling part even if I hadn't been drinking. Falling off the bus led to a torn LCL. McDonalds gorge led to Mighty Wing bits littering my comforter. Fast food binge led to guilt and shame. Actually, I think the whole experience made a great story but led to guilt and shame. I made up for it on Sunday by cleaning and eating stir fry vegetables for dinner.

As I muddled through the work week, trying to get through each day I had some interesting mini-adventures. I submitted another piece to Thought Catalog...waiting for the silence of their rejection now. I had my Magazine Writing class in stitches of laughter after I revealed I hunt white tail deer with a muzzleloader rifle around Thanksgiving with my Dad. My professor said I may be the only muzzleloading white tail deer hunting social worker in the world. This conversation lead to hilarious segways about my love for guns and my bizarre, dramatic life in general. Oh, and when he asked if anyone in the class runs I said I ran a 5K over the weekend and came in dead last. The class almost died laughing. I mean, really guys? I love the attention but your joy and laughter at my stories only feeds my narcissistic ego. Especially when a classmate tells me to stop talking because she can't stop laughing. I have been told, once again, to compile personal essays and write a book. The personal essay approach makes writing "Never a Dull Moment: The First 25 Years" more manageable. Got to get on that.

That was just Tuesday.

Wednesday hit and I had another mini adventure. While multi-tasking in my law class I was trying to play with a Spanish Learner App in an effort to learn Spanish while learning law. My sound was off but for some reason the app overroad my mute and in the middle of a classmate's case brief presentation my Ipad screamed, "EL TORO BEBE AGUA" 5 times. I kept hitting mute but it was the repeat button. A classmate says "Wow, that is a thirsty bull." Mortified and red faced I stammered "pop up ad" as my professor inquired as to what in the hell made that statement. Fortunately he was cool about it. I apologized to my classmate. He began his presentation again only to dissolve into fits of laughter himself. About 10 min later another classmate started laughing. I was choking back giggles myself. Then my friend @mentions me on Twitter with EL TORO BEBE AGUA. It was hysterical.

Then of course I went out for a drink with my friend after the class which lead to more than one drink and even more adventures. I paid for being out so late on Thursday.

Friday I decided I wanted a SEAFEAST for dinner so I actually splurged on some King Crab Legs and cooked up a seafood feast for myself. IT WAS AMAZING. Saturday I made homemade turkey bacon pizza with pumpkin bread pudding and Sunday I cooked oven fried chicken with yellow rice and caramelized onions and peppers. I did a lot of chores, errands, and homework this weekend too. It was a well balanced weekend to make up for a very off balanced week.

That was until last night when my neighbors woke me up in the wee hours of the morning as they stomped to their apartment, laughing and carrying on. I fell back asleep only to be awoken by a gnat buzzing by my ear. This gnat issue went on for an hour and a half 5am-6:30am and I dozed back off at 6:30am. This was not so good since I entered another sleep cycle but my alarm went off at 7:30am. I was confused, disoriented and exhausted despite having sort of decent sleep. I will find that gnat and destroy it when I get home.

The pros of today are that I get to leave at 5:30pm instead of 7:30pm because there is no tutoring for the kids since they do not have homework! So tonight I'm baking up some eggplant. The cons are that it is Monday, I'm groggy and trying not to be overcome with anxiety. I'm trying to stay focused and check off the mental task list in my head. I'm trying to do things I've been putting off because there is a great sense of accomplishment when I get such things done. I'm trying to find more outlets to send my personal essays to and I'm trying to do my job and do it well. I hope I can keep up with the optimism and energy.

Perhaps my series of questionable decisions led to a more stable frame of mind. :)

Until next time...

I "want" To Believe in Vitamins

It looks as if I'm going to do some extreme fitness thing every weekend. I did some biking two weekends ago and this weekend I ran a 5K just for the hell of it. Actually, I walked and wheezed through most of it but I still finished at my usual time. I think it is because I'm chronically late to everything so I know how to hustle and power walk my way to destinations.

Perhaps I'll do Bikram Yoga this weekend. Not something I haven't done before but in terms of near death experiences, I can't get much closer than Bikram Yoga. By minute 42 I'm seeing stars, focusing on my mat and thinking "don't pass out you wimp." We'll see what happens. It is also laundry weekend and I consider my eight block hike to the "mat" exercise as well.

Lately I've been writing a lot in an effort to get stuff published and start a recognizable byline trail. I got tired of seeing my cohorts succeed in securing internships, getting published and generally doing big things while I continue to social work my way to my livelihood and wish I could just sit down and write a few good essays to submit somewhere. I have a piece under consideration for an online magazine and I'm planning on shopping out my humor column to local weeklies. I also had a good networking opportunity this past weekend (after the 5K) and I might be able to secure some freelance work even if it is for little to no pay. The way I see it, I can't do an internship because I work full time and I'm in school part time. I can't get hired because I don't have recent relevant experience. So how about I write for free and get published so we can have some updated works on my resume. I'm also going to build and design my own website...preferably from scratch....with Sublime Text. No Dreamweaver over here. I don't have a Mac anyway, just an Ipad.

Yesterday I had a lot of energy and accomplished more at work in one day than I have for the past few weeks. I wondered if maybe this was because I started taking a new vitamin. I'm on generic B-50s instead of the name brand B-Complex. They are pretty much the same but I wanted so badly to attribute my new found energy to the new vitamins. No dice. Took vitamin today...still tired as hell. However I am going to try to go to the gym after class in an effort to mix up my workout routine. Yes...healthy changes folks. I don't want to be the slow little wheezy kid nearly dying before completing the 5K.

That is about it. Trying to write more, create things, get out there and get noticed. Oh! I've expanded my social group/friend circle too. I don't know how long these little friendships will last, BUT I've tried to hang out with some new and interesting people. That means more options for socialization/experiences/writing content. Woo!

So here's to "changes" with the autumn season. Let's hope they last and I don't sink back into my anxiety ridden, procrastinating state of mind that accomplishes nothing and longs to sleep all the time.

Until next time...

Please World, Stop Spinning...I'm Going to Throw Up

Today I almost got hit by a car. I looked left, saw the cars stopped at the light and began to cross. The dark grey Honda seemed to come out of nowhere. It was stopped at the intersection when I last saw it. How much time had passed from my initial street crossing look to the moment I stepped out into the street? Upon seeing the car I stopped, wide eyed, held my hand up in an apology and hastily retreated back to the sidewalk. Embarrassing.

Lately I've noticed life is becoming a bit more difficult for reasons I do not understand. Now instead of insomnia, I have a newfound habit of waking at exactly 5am every morning....going to the bathroom, and then returning to bed in an attempt to grasp an addition 2.5 hours of sleep. This new habit disrupts the second sleep cycle and before I know it I wake up exhausted.

Getting dressed takes effort. Sometimes I have to sit or even lay back down on the bed for a minute to gain the physical and emotional strength it takes to get ready for the day. Once that is done, I usually find some momentum and can get through the remainder of the morning tasks without an issue.

Then comes the walk to work. My shoulder bag is usually heavy, filled with breakfast, lunch, dinner and textbooks. Everything I need for the day. By the time I walk through the doors at work, grunt hello the receptionist, I'm agitated and exhausted. I would countdown to 5:30pm but my day never ends at 5:30. Four out of the five work days I don't see my apartment until after 8:30pm.

My mind perpetually races about things both in and out of my control. I'm forgetting my computer passwords. I'm forgetting words I used to know. I'm having a hard time keeping dates straight in my head. I journal and blog and talk to people I trust but its not enough venting to stop the world from spinning so damn fast.

Diet and exercise are supposed to help but I find myself fatigued and unfortunately weighing in at my heaviest weight. I'd like to think some of the weight is leg muscle I've built up during kickboxing and not all FAT but I can't be too sure. Then comes the guilt. The guilt of packing the weight back on. The fear of being undesirable. The fear of being criticized. The lack of compliments on my great figure because its turning down not so great lane.

The blue personal day request sits on my desk. I want to turn it in. I want to have off tomorrow so I can rent a car and drive to the Pinelands in NJ. I want to take my new bike and ride on the flat nature trails that run parallel to rivers and through tall pine trees. I want to enjoy the last warm tingle of summer as I prepare for the brisk air of fall. I want to go off the grid for one day, Chris McCandless style. I want one person to know where I am and contact no one during my time with nature. I want a break from people, my problems and the city.

But there the slip sits. Because two week ago I was sick and a week ago I took a personal day. I don't feel I deserve the time off. I don't feel my supervisor would understand that I have come up with an ingenious plan for self-care and reset and the only way I can pull it off is if I am not here tomorrow. I'm scared to turn it in. Scared she'll say no. Scared she'll judge my mental instability. It is for tomorrow. Short notice.

Yet I know if I do not turn this request in, I will hate myself for the weekend. Every happy thought I had will be replaced with an angry one. I will go about my work and weekend drudgery with the most negative of attitudes. All because I was too scared to say, "I need this to be ok."

For the past four years I volunteer at a Catholic Oktoberfest fundraiser around this time. I declined to participate this year. I'm just too overwhelmed by invisible problems and didn't have it in me to dedicate a day to helping out. That is how bad this has gotten.

I'd say "at least I have my health" but the truth is I have blood work to be drawn, specialists to see and levels of bad things in my body to bring down. I could say, "at least I have my teeth" because I went to the dentist for the first time in nearly 8 years and I'm cavity free. Yes genetics.

Things will get better. Problems will be resolved. Life will go on. I will bounce back. But to make that first step, I need to turn this slip in. I need a day to be free of everything.

Until next time...

When Your "Relevant Experience" Expires

Four years ago I sat in Phi Beta Kappa hall at the College of William and Mary, wondering what in the hell I was going to do with my life (and expensive degree) when I was supposed to be taking line notes for a play (I was an assistant stage manager). I Googled "Catholic Volunteer Programs," found a few, applied and then after graduation moved to Pennsylvania to live with nuns for a year and be a social worker.

Today I sit in a similar boat. I'm at my social work job, thinking about my upcoming May graduation from Temple University's Masters of Journalism program. I think about how I'm entering a changing and at times dying field. I think about how the last time I freelanced was in the early 2000s and no one cares if I was a freelance reporter for my local bi-weekly newspaper during high school.

My HTML CSS3 skills are novice at best. I'm only somewhat familiar with Search Engine Optimization. And now I think I'm falling in love with magazine writing...an impossible field to break into these days without a myriad of internships under your belt. When you go to school part time and work full time you find you have NO TIME for an internship. It is impossible.

When I hear of my fellow journo classmates getting great jobs or epic internships, I am happy for them but I also wonder if I'm way behind in "the game." The past four years of my work history have consisted of assisting homeless kids and performing social work duties. Honorable, yes...relevant? No. My professional profile is made up of my assignments I completed during my coursework at Temple. Nothing was published and the multimedia editing is good but not stellar.

The odds of me obtaining a job in the media/journalism field that pays what I make now or more are very low. I'd have to settle for PR/Communications for academia to earn that kind of pay. I think I'd enjoy that but that is far away from journalism. That is borderline marketing.

I have until May. I have until after May. I am currently employed, bills are getting paid, health insurance is decent. However....eventually...soon...I want to start my CAREER. I just have to figure out what I need to do to break into it.

Until next time...

When You Just Want To Give Up

The problem with being Little Miss Sunshine is when you're going through an emotional roller coaster or feel pressure from your obligations as a human being, you generate a lot of attention for having a dark and stormy day/week/month. Everyone inquires "What is wrong?" "Why do you seem so down?" "Are you ok?"

The concern is nice, but tends to be overwhelming. Especially when generated by your superiors in a professional environment. What is supposed to be genuine concern comes off as some sort of self-fear inadequacy. Today my boss did a friendly check-in with me, noticing my demanor was a little down and wanted to make sure everything is all right. I should feel happy that I have a boss that actually cares about how I'm feeling. Instead I immediatly felt somewhat defensive replying, "I am very overwhelmed right now but I am working through it. At least my work and productivity is not suffering and assignments and tasks are being completed on time." My boss probably wasn't too worried about my productivity but rather, as a social worker, my general well being. Yet here I am assuring that despite the fact I could be headed towards a nervous breakdown, I'm getting my work done. As if that is all that matters.

I don't think I'm headed towards a nervous breakdown but I can't help but feel like I am an ant about to get squashed these days. I'm in my third and final year of graduate school. I have been balancing the busy schedule of exercise, work, late nights, and late classes and homework for two years now. It has been a learning process but I thought I had things sort of figured out. Sure I get stressed over deadlines and I am a perfectionist when it comes to my assignments, but I never felt like I was sliding downhill so fast, so early.

It is the third week of school. I spent my Saturday reading for my classes in the sunshine. I made, what I thought was the self-care choice of going out for a drink Saturday night (by myself even) and had a pretty decent night for a solo adventure. I however paid the price, rolling up to my apartment at 2am, having a restless sleep, and feeling dragged down and groggy on Sunday. I had a lot to accomplish on Sunday but only managed to achieve a fraction of my goals. I laid down for a hour just to power nap my way into productivity and succumbed to a 3 hour nap. Thus, jacking up my sleep schedule.

Here I am on Monday, tired as all get out. Nervous about an assignment due tomorrow at 5pm and a book that has to be read in its entirety by 5:30pm tomorrow. Frustrated that I didn't kickbox on Saturday morning. Knowing that I need to kickbox tonight to make up for my lack of exercise this weekend but feeling so run down and so distracted and so exhausted I can't even fathom getting home in one piece. My appetite is decreasing (a major sign of distress for I am a stress eater not a stress starver). I'm sort of plagued by guilt in that I pay $60 to kickbox and I'm missing class because I'm tired but I'm tired because I'm not exercising but I've got assignments due and I need sleep to focus and OMG I have to do my work at work.

My annual employee evaluation stated I needed to work on my problem solving skills. So I'm fearful when I share my feelings openly (like we're supposed to in our community) that is construed as weakness. I'm worried my superiors think "Wow, its only week three of graduate school and Mary Anna is already falling apart. She really needs to think outside the box or get some help."

This construction could be all in my head but it just adds to my already pressing anxiety. But why, why so early on do I have this feeling I want to give up? Why do I think I am incapable of managing exercise, eating right, my finances, my schoolwork, my social life and my job? I've done just fine all these years, why assume I'm inadequate now?

I know that the greatest pressure I feel is the pressure I put upon myself. But I can't bear the thought that one element in my life has to suffer. I can do it all. I have.

But today? I just want to give up. I want to quit everything and hide out in a cabin in the woods and eat tuna fish out of a can and sleep in solitude for days. Not a good plan. Not feasible. But that is where I'm at right now.

Until next time....

Breaking My Silence on Syria

After watching "Orange is the New Black.," my new guilty pleasure, I decided to check the news. I quickly regretted that decision. As a journalism student, I check the news everyday to see what is going on in the world or rather, what is being reported about. Of course we all know the hot button topic of the month/year is Syria.

CNN, God love them, posted videos of chemical attack victims. They did their part by stating "view discretion advised" and "Graphic content warning." Viewers/Newsreaders had the CHOICE to click "play" and view the graphic content.

I always hit play. I have a very morbid curiosity and I can handle graphic content quite well. So I did. Yes, it was horrific. You see people foaming at the mouth, lifeless bodies of Syrian children, people having horrible reactions to the chemical attack which lets face it at this point, definitely happened. They haven't officially confirmed what party was responsible but it went down, a lot of people died, and it is one of the saddest things in the world to witness.

The CNN anchor stated that the purpose of airing these videos on national news was because these are the videos that Congress is looking at right now as they make their decision about whether or not the United States is going to intervene.

So, why did I feel more disgusted that the purpose of airing these videos is actually TO JUSTIFY and VALIDATE the U.S. response to bomb/missile/invade/attack Syria. I feel like they're saying "this is what government is watching, you can watch too if you want as we wait to make a decision." Why did I perceive such an evident bias towards supporting an attack? Is it just me? Why do I feel that the news is trying to sway me to think, "OMG this is so horrible we must do something"? And worse, why am I angry about that?

Several years ago, I had the unique privilege to meet Paul Rusesabagina, the man and hero who sheltered refugees during the horrible Rwandan genocide. First I watched "Hotel Rwanda" and then I got to meet the man himself. I think I said, "Thank you. What you did for those people was incredible." And it was. That genocide over BLOOD LINES was insane, horrific, a major tragedy. While watching the film I kept wondering why the United States didn't do more to stop it. We had the capability, why didn't we intervene. We should have done more. Those people wouldn't have had to die just because their nose was long or their ID card had the "wrong" stamp.

Looking back I think I was young and naïve. My thoughts on Syria? There has to be a better way than us throwing some bombs and sending some drones over to hit up whoever killed their own people. I muse as to whether or not our founding fathers thought that we'd become this epic superpower that had the money (or debt, really), the power, the technology to be the world's hero. I think humans have the obligation to have compassion and look out for other humans but I can't seem to get on board the "attack Syria" bus.

In the world playground, Syria is getting bullied by...well...Syria. What gives the US the right to knock down the bully part of Syria to rescue the bullied part? Doesn't that make us the bigger bully? Why do we always play playground police and attack other countries because we or yes, the world, does not agree with what is going on within the borders?

I'm not an idiot. I know there is worldwide pressure for action. And I'm not a heartless soul, my heart goes out to those poor innocent people who are pretty much dying because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time and deemed by those "in power" to have the "wrong" political affiliation. It's senseless and those responsible will get theirs.....but do WE have to give it to them?

This is why so many nations hate us. Because we stomp around with our fancy drones and wag our fingers at other nations. The victims of the chemical attack? They're already hurt or worse dead. The goal is to send a message and retaliate but really we're avenging the death of people from another nation. If we pop a few bombs over there, what is to say WE won't kill innocent people? Also, what is to STOP the parties responsible from using chemical weapons again? What is the point?

I'm sure many disagree with me and we're all entitled to our own opinion. However, I don't need the media trying to SWAY my thoughts on Syria. May the victims rest in peace and may the United States not start/engage in yet ANOTHER war that really has nothing to do with us whatsoever.

Until next time...

Adventures of the Morning Commute

Most days my morning commute to work is quiet without incident. I usually have my routine of the elderly lady that loves to talk to me at the bus stop, panhandlers on SEPTA and the occasional "I got hit on at 8:30am story." I was hoping after using my last Dunkin Donuts coupon for August that me and my latte would have a quiet venture into work. The Market-Frankford EL proved to be quiet and uneventful. But that all changed when I reached my stop.

I'm pretty tired and very lazy in the morning. So when I depart the EL, I like to look out for the trolley that literally carries my lazy ass about three blocks from work. I get to work faster, I don't arrive a sweaty mess and I get to just sit for a minute. However, the trolley is typically full of characters for it services a stop which is near a methodone clinic. Ergo, I usually can't ride the trolley without an incident.

I got off the EL this morning and was so happy to see the trolley parked and letting on passengers. It is usually quite the joy to see the trolley waiting on the street. However, recently due to construction further down the transit line, the trolley has been replaced by a bus. The trolley can seat about 50+ passengers easily. The bus accommodates about 35 and that is with every seat being taken. I only ride this thing for about four stops so I don't mind standing near the doors or in the aisle. The bus I take to get to the EL is always packed in the AM so I've grown accustomed to maneuvering back and forth in the aisle to let people through.

Welp. Trolley/Bus was PACKED this morning and as soon as I stepped on I regretted my decision to be lazy. I took a stance in the aisle, carefully cupping my Dunkin Ds cup because it was dripping condensation and I wasn't about to drip all over someone. While trying not to back my ass up in anyone's face or drip Dunkin dew on passengers, I got a little too close to one set of passengers.

Let me clarify. My purse which is not heavy nor protruding barely tapped an elderly man on the shoulder. His daughter sort of wrapped her arm around his shoulder and gave me the most hateful death stare I've ever seen. I'm like, "Really lady? You're going to give me a death glare because my bag grazed your dad's shoulder? Is he injured? NO. So turn your shade off and leave me alone." I didn't say that but I wanted to.

I decided to take the one empty seat by some guy who was covering his ears as if to prevent the voices from being heard. A group of ladies behind the dad/daughter duo gave me side eye for sitting down. They were sitting, I don't know what I did to deserve that but whatever. A lot of hate on this trolley.

Approximately one stop later, a woman gets on with a kid and a stroller. The stroller is compact but its slung haphazardly over her shoulder. As she attempts to sit she actually smacks me with the stroller wheels. Like, I would be eating stroller wheels if I hadn't blocked my face and let it roll along my nice clean arm instead. For real? Daughter chick is giving me hate glare for tapping her dad's shoulder with my bag and this lady just ran her effin stroller along my arm! No apology nothing. I could be that person that cusses her out or gives her a DEATH glare but I was in a reverse pay it forward mood so I wanted to stop the progression of morning hatred. I sat silent. I did however muse what would go down if stroller lady innocently hit grandpa's arm with the stroller. I bet daughter would go ballistic.

Finally my stop came but stroller lady's friend was blocking my exit and clearly had no intention to move. So I attempted a back door exit which failed. The back door was blocked by three people, two of which were rather large women standing on either side of the door. They did not move. I said a nice "excuse me ladies" and they made a poor attempt to suck in their bellies so I could get through. There was a point in this treacherous exit where I was literally sandwiched and stuck between two ladies in the door. It was a Mary Anna sandwich. Finally with some quick maneuvering I managed to squeeze out of the sandwich and plant my feet on the forgiving platform below. One of the large ladies gave me a sympathetic "Sorry mama!" Once again, to end the hate cycle I replied "No problem. Have a nice day!"

The walk from the trolley to work was successful.

That was wayyyy too much physical contact for me this early in the morning. I need a shower.

Until next time...

A Year Older But Probably Not So Wiser

MA's epic birthday weekend was a success. I've yet to have a bad birthday in Philadelphia (not that I want one). Every year I do something different with a new group of friends. I sort of copied off of my plans from last year but it turned out to be pretty spectacular.

I started off birthday morning by biking to a free yoga class near my work neighborhood. I signed a wavier to allow me to participate and told everyone it was my birthday. haha The Yogis were excited for me. After that I biked to kickboxing and then to Reading Terminal for some watermelon and fresh squeezed orange juice. By the time I got back to my apartment, I was exhausted and it wasn't even 12pm yet. I will say this, while biking around the city, people talk to you a lot. They ask you where they can find coffee shops, or yoga places, or just say good morning. It is very interesting.

So after the epic triple threat workout, I got a shower and took a birthday nap. Around 4pm, I went to pick up my best friend David from 30th Street Station and begin the evening portion of birthday fun. We went to my favorite bar, Wrap Shack where I ate delicious birthday wings and even got a birthday discount.

Happy from the feast, we went to Citizen's Bank Park for the Phillies game we had planned for the evening. I got my tickets at Will Call and went up to the gate. The gate guy asked me if I was turning 21 again. (I was wearing a pink fluffy Birthday Girl tiara). I laughed and said, "something like that." He said "Well I don't want to see you get thrown out of here." He was joking but I assured him I was 26 and that wouldn't be an issue.

We checked in at the birthday table so I could have my name in lights after the 4th inning and went to visit a coworker who also works at the stadium. After that we got some cider and took our seats. We were practically on the field! Front row of section 107. It was pretty great.

When I went to get a second cider, the girl who carded me said, "wait, isn't today August 24th?" She apparently missed my birthday tiara and sticker. haha It was funny.

The game went into 18 innings but we only stayed for 13. However, around the 12th inning, my long time dream of getting face time on the jumbotron finally came true. We were spotted by the camera man in the other section and he zoomed in on me and these girls next to me. I got to be on the Jumbotron! It was a great moment and it is officially crossed off of the bucket list.

After inning 13, we left the ballpark and headed to Ray's Happy Birthday Bar for my free birthday shot. We ended up staying for a round or two since it was so vacant. It was great and a bit inexpensive thanks to a potentially blitzed bartender.

We were hungry again after Ray's so we went to a 24 hour Dunkin Donuts and got breakfast sandwiches and then took a cab and headed home.

Everything was perfect from the fitness to the interactions to the weather and the adventures. I had an excellent 26th and looking forward to the year ahead.

Until next time...

That Icky Sicky Feeling

Right off the heels of one of the most fun weekends I've had in awhile, my body has decided it wants to shut down. It is like my body is saying "You had too much fun. Time to die."

Not really die, just be incapacitated for a few days.

Friday night I saw Goo Goo Dolls and Matchbox 20 in concert in New Jersey and it was amazing! It was an epic concert with some great people. I loved every minute of it. I then crashed on my friend's couch, woke up, and we went to graduation dinner which consisted of all you can eat, all you can drink, Brazilian Steakhouse style food. I ate my fill of meats, meats, and drank unlimited alcohol. It was pretty epic! I had a blast. Saturday night I returned to my humble abode where I watched Netflix and digested all the protein I consumed.

When I woke on Sunday morning my throat was scratchy. I'm a mouth breather when I sleep so I figured I dried out my throat with the A/C and fan on. I drank hot liquids all day as I completed my weekend chores and errands. I felt fine last night, going to bed early (for me) but had trouble falling asleep. So naturally I took some Zquill. I figured I had beat the dry throat inconvenience with my hot liquids.

Yeah. No. Woke up this morning and I have that I'm about to be sick soon feeling. Fortunately when I get sick I rarely IF EVER get a fever or vomit. I'm typically plagued with sore throats, sinus congestion, runny noses, and headaches. My throat has that scratchy feeling. My voice is still shot (a symptom I thought was due to my concert singing and screaming but should be fixed by now). My head is starting to engage in some pressure points. I'm getting sick. :(

Of course I'm at work because I wasn't sick enough to call out. I can still talk and swallow and I have my handy bottle of Dayquil which I'll chug every 4-6 hours. This shit better run its course ASAP. On one hand I'm grateful I got hit at the beginning of the week. On the other hand I'm terrified this will last and I'll be SICK ON MY BIRTHDAY SATURDAY!

This can not happen.

So I'll be drinking liquids, taking it easy, working, hand sanitizing, avoid breathing on coworkers and drinking my Dayquil with the hopes I can nip this in the butt before the 24th. Let's hope it is just a baby cold and will pass within a few days.

I hate being sick.

Until next time...

Sometimes Espresso Is My Ritalin

I woke up at 5:45am this morning, wide awake and well rested. Almost to the point where I considered getting up and going to work two hours early. Than I thought "nahh, I'd rather just listen to music and get up at 7." Of course the music was so relaxing that it made me fall back asleep so when my alarm went off to wake me up, I was grumpy and tired again. Such is life.

I got up and got my gear together and starting spazzing out because despite my tiredness I was WIRED. I had a billion thoughts circulating in my head at one time. I'm also very excited because tonight I'm going to see Matchbox 20 and Goo Goo Dolls in concert with my best friend. I haven't seen my best friend in a long time AND I haven't been to a concert lately. Both are exciting things to look forward to. Then tomorrow, I've got best friend's graduation party at a Brazilian Steakhouse in the burbs. All you can eat meat. All you can eat smoked salmon. All you can drink open bar. All paid for. Yeah, it is going to be dangerous. I'm trying to drink plenty of water and monitor my sodium consumption to keep it at a minimum until tomorrow's meat eating fest. Its going to be great.

So sometimes when I am going 1000 MPH, I still drink coffee with espresso. This morning I got my Dunkin Iced Coffee with a Turbo Shot. Occasionally it works like Ritalin, helping me slow down and focus. It is usually a 50/50 shot that it will work in the manner I want it to. Well, not today. I'm more hyper than ever. In fact, my first client this morning told me "Ms. Mary Anna, please take your time, sit down." I hate making people wait so I thanked her for the offer but continued to buzz around like a frantic bee. I then brought my breakfast to a meeting which fortunately got cancelled. (I was legit going to be like 'I'm sorry but I have to eat my oatmeal while we do this or I'll pass out).

Next weekend is birthday weekend. Best friend and I are going to a Phillies game birthday night. We scored 100 level seats for a decent price in right field. I'm going to get my name on the Jumbotron again and we're both going to focus so we can get a picture of it this year. Then we're going to Ray's Happy Birthday Bar for my free birthday shot and see where the night takes us. Good times.

Then BAM school starts up again. I'm taking Magazine Writing and Communication Law. 4 classes to go and I'm DONE with my MJ. Can't wait!

Until next time...

Sometimes I just have to Stop, Hang My Head, Smile and Laugh

I swear to you that I am not bipolar. Even though, yesterday I was cursing out a frying pan and today I'm laughing my ass off. Much to my chagrin, the cosmos/fate have turned my frown upside down and today has been exponentially better than yesterday.

I went in late to work by choice because I didn't want to get up and was met by a beautiful crisp breeze, akin to fall weather, on my way to work. Alas, I got to work and was not a disgusting sweaty mess. This was a refreshing change from my daily grind. Oh, and I think my bus driver said "good morning, baby" when I boarded.

I threw myself into work to make up for the fact I did jack shit yesterday. I cleaned my office and it is now immaculate. I cleaned my desk off so it is now a functional work space. I got materials for my class today. (I teach school age kids problem solving skills and emotional recognition once a week). Today we made bagged ice cream in teams and it went very well. No big problems, the kids had a blast, and from what I hear the ice cream turned out great. Note to others: use half and half NOT milk, it works better.

I returned to my clean office, ready to complete goal #3 of the day, filing the mountain of paperwork into resident case files when I stop to look at Facebook. Now, I mentioned before that my Facebook "friends" are getting engaged, married, and popping out kids at a crazy fast rate but I saw a few more engagement announcements today and one surprised me.

You look at someone who is doing well for themselves, someone you've known for awhile back in the day. Someone who you wouldn't expect to be putting a ring on it and BAM that person is engaged. You have to stop, smile and laugh. It is a good, belly laugh of sorts that is followed by genuine congratulations. YOU are engaged to a beautiful person and I am a Lifetime drama of failed relationships. Karma. But I'm not bitter, I'm happy for that person. I'm just so amused and maybe even a little bit amazed you're beating me in the game of Life. haha (ok, not really because all games are different depending on the person BUT still).

So this instant turn around made me stop, see things clearer and realize something. I mentioned my horoscope said I'd "gain insight" about some stuff today. I guess it is true. My vulnerability and insecurity comes down to one thing: TRUST. I don't TRUST things will work out. I don't TRUST I'm in the right position. I don't TRUST enough. I thought it was my past experiences that caused me to "air on the side of caution." In a way, that is true but it comes down to TRUST. Trusting other people. Trusting fate. Trusting God. When you have no option but to wait and see what cards are in your next hand, you can't get anxious about it. You can't control it. You can't plan for it. You just have to TRUST that those cards are the ones meant to be dealt to you all along and regardless how epic or how awful the hand is, you're going to play it and you're going to be all right.

Laugh. Just laugh.

Until next time...

What Do You Do With Anger?

I am a pretty patient and peaceful person. I'm the person that lets little old ladies cut in line at the grocery store. I hold elevator doors for mothers with strollers. I say "thank you" to my bus driver every morning. When I get angry 7 times out of 10 it is at myself. Sometimes people or circumstances grind my gears but it usually takes a lot for me to reach that point.

But when I do get angry, its a chain reaction that sets me off into a downward spiral. When I get angry I also am anxious. I get mad at inanimate objects for no reason. I throw things. I kick things. When something simple doesn't go my way I lose it. One time I was having a really bad day and an egg fell off my egg shelf in my fridge onto the floor. I cleaned up the mess and somehow knocked the egg shelf again and ALL my eggs fell onto the kitchen floor. I flipped the F out. I cried, I screamed, I jumped up and down. I cried some more. It was eggs. $1.79, 10 minutes of cleaning, no big deal. But to me at that moment, it was a big deal.

Today is like that. I didn't accomplish a damn thing at work. I had some touchy conversations. I left work and one person rubbed me the wrong way on my commute. Then I got to CVS to run an errand and I started losing my patience. Then an ignorant person defied my personal space and I wanted to dropkick her right in the store. I stormed home, errands done. Then I find a shirt I ordered but cancelled right after ordering arrived and I was charged for it. So now I have to go through the hassle of returning said shirt to get my refund.

After watching a show and eating, I planned on dying my hair. As I did dishes I began to lose patience with the pot I was washing. Then I got angry because the paper towel barely ripped off. It is little things culminated with my pent up emotional frustration about things out of my control. If there was ever a night to have my own personal punching bag, tonight would be it. I'd rage so hard I'd probably want to pass out with exhaustion. But I can't kick or punch anything legally until Thursday and by then I'll be ok.

I'm impatient. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I finished my bottle of wine (like half a glass), started on a beer and I still feel like a ticking time bomb. I'm in a mood I'm rarely in. It is the kind of mood that if someone held me up at gunpoint I'd stare the barrel down. You're supposed to give them what they want and try to escape but I'm so fed up I'd just stare without blinking. No I do not have a death wish. I do not need therapy. I am just in my HULK mode and you do not want to mess with me.

So I'm not dying my hair. I'm not in a good place to be dealing with chemicals and such. I'd probably botch the dye job and spill shit everywhere. I should wait until tomorrow for that, maybe I'll be in a better frame of mind.

Until next time.....

Pure Talent. Pure Love

So I'm sure if you read Thought Catalog or the news or any kind of quirky website that highlights personal stories, you saw this:

Meet Neil Hilborn. He has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He found a woman who he fell in love with so much that she helped him without even trying. The video is viral at this point but his use of words, his talent, his raw emotion reminds me that new talent is born everyday. Neil's story is not a happy one, for his girlfriend became overwhelmed by his disorder and left him. The most captivating lines of his spoken word are "I leave the door unlocked. I even leave the lights on."

Now whether Neil actually leaves his door unlocked in case his girl comes back, or leaves the lights on so she knows he is home is a mute point. He probably doesn't because his disorder won't let him. However, those final lines of the poem just hit home. You can hear people's reactions as the "aww, wow." He found a way to express his longing, use his disorder, and convey through words exactly how he is feeling. As if his love for this girl overrides the ticks of his disorder. And it very well may.

Love is that powerful.

It was worth sharing. Talent is everywhere and can manifest from anything. All you have to do is channel it.

Until next time...

Astrology

My horoscope for today:
Your detached approach won't be enough to get you through the day. You need to experience the uncertainty that goes with expressing the raw emotions that evade logic and rational thought. Any attempts to sidestep your truth will only cause more trouble down the road. Your mind is active, but you must avoid the temptation of reducing complex emotional networks into overly simplistic statements of fact. Feel your way today, instead.

My horoscope for the week:
This week you might have a breakthrough when it comes to matters of intimacy. Perhaps you harbor anxious feelings from past experiences that prevent you from getting too close to someone now -- even if you're in love with this person. If so, on Wednesday a sudden insight about what's holding you back from truly revealing yourself will help you push past this fear. The Moon in your 5th House of Romance will help foster this awakening this weekend, especially when it touches Pluto on Saturday.

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What does that even mean? I have to experience the uncertainty that goes with expressing the raw emotions that evade logic and rational thought? Um...I do that every freaking day. Every day there is anxiety and uncertainty about many things, including the things most important to me. Every day I dream big elaborate dreams about others, myself, life in general that completely evade logic and rational thought.

If I felt my way today, I'd allow myself to be angry, hurt, sad, and hopeless. But I didn't feel my way today. No, I cooked dinner for the residents at my work and they loved it. I put my energy into feeding others and getting through the work day. Now I'm about to go kick some ass at kickboxing despite the fact I'm dead tired. My mind might be active but focusing on the now is a lot better than over analyzing every interaction in my life.

As for the weekly outlook? Yes, I do harbor anxious feelings from past experiences. But I don't think they prevent me from getting close to people. I think it prevents me from smothering people and makes me air on the side of caution so I don't get my heart taken for granted, ripped out and destroyed which happens damn near every time I want to give my heart to someone. I look at the facts and yes, try to predict the future so I can spare myself the heartbreak now and just be somewhat prepared for impact. Because logic and rationality is what can prevent running, jumping, flying, falling and crashing. Facts are facts. The sooner you convince yourself of their existence the better off you'll be in the long run.

Go home, Horoscope. You're drunk.

Until next time...

I Just Need A Second. Ok I'm Good.

I almost did a terrible thing today. I ALMOST regressed into the state of paranoia that I used to experience whenever I saw mass quantities of people getting engaged and having kids on Facebook. Yes, there was a time when I was actually worried that I wasn't keeping up with the Jones' and doing everything backwards. But, then I did a lot of soul searching and reached a nice and cozy point of self-acceptance that what I'm doing right now is what is right for me. It might not be right for most of my peers but it works for me and I am happy.

But damn, I almost relapsed. A slewwwww of people got engaged this weekend. One or two announced their pregnancies. It is funny, many of my friends up here in Philly are amazed that I know so many people getting hitched and popping kids. They are sometimes dubious that I can find out about seven engagements in one weekend with four of the individuals being younger than me. But for realsies, it happens all the time. I'm at the point, thankfully, where I'm either like "OMG I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY FOR YOUUUU" which I am or "Hmmm, that is interesting" or "already?" Despite any given reaction, I still do the obligatory Facebook *like* to let them know I care. 


Whew that was a close one. Congratulations kids, I am very happy for you!

On an unrelated note, I think I smile more at dogs than I do at small children when I'm walking. Now, that might mean something is wrong with me. haha

Until next time...

This is What MA Did at Work Today

Today I spent a large portion of the day cutting out giraffe heads/necks/bodies. This is my tailless giraffe, aka tonight's Family Literacy Craft as we read "Giraffe's Can't Dance." I hope my program will have many attendees for I feel I could have spent more time doing actual work and less time cutting out giraffe heads.

Yesterday I built a bike. I stayed late at work to use my office as a work space and assembled a genuine 26" wheel women's mountain bike BY MYSELF without help. Of course the chain popped within 3 minutes of riding but that was already installed therefore I don't blame my handiwork for that one. I think it is just a matter of tweaking the chain and learning how to gear shift correctly. I haven't had a bike with functional gears since college.

Speaking of college, I called to update my contact information for this epic alumni directory thing. Yeah...that costs over $100 for the stupid hardback book. I'm all for nostalgia but I am one stack of shit away from an episode of Hoarders. Ergo, I bought the book for networking reasons. They're listing where everyone works and how to reach them so I can stalk media people from any class year (if they call in and buy the book). Networking is expensive these days...

This weekend I've got bike rides, yoga, kickboxing, and a hair appointment on the books. Got to stay busy and stay motivated. I'm trying to read my "Telling the Joke" stand-up comedy book each day because my goal is to perform in an open mic night by October. I'm sick and tired of dreaming and dreaming and just letting those dreams be dreams. I've got the charisma and the talent to succeed in local stand up comedy, regional writing competitions, and I believe entrepreneurial journalism.

One of the five or so reasons for this ambitious/motivational drive is the realization I wasted the first half of my summer watching Netflix and eating entire pints of ice cream by myself. While these activities proved to be enjoyable they were also toxic to my health. So I've taken to writing every day and reading new and interesting things and cooking new recipes and building bikes and working out in various avenues. I'm sticking to Skinny Cow Ice Cream and limiting my Netflix viewing to a few hours a week. Summer is coming to a close and school grind is about to pick up. This is my last year of graduate school so gotta tackle the bull by the horns with renewed energy.

Until next time...

This song is so beautiful and perfect it makes me want to cry

All Of Me

[Verse]
What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright

[Bridge]
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

[Chorus]
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all, all of me
And you give me all, all of you

[Verse]
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every move
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, I my head for you

[Bridge]
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

[Chorus]
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all, all of you

Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it’s hard

[Chorus]
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

I give you all, all of me
And you give me all, all of you

-------------
Looking forward to September 3rd when his 20 song album drops. I bet the rest of the album will move me too.

Until next time...

Eye Tracking & Brain Tracking

So you know when you're watching a fast paced event, like a hockey match or something? Well, your eyes dart back at forth, attempting to track all of the movement which is taking place. I'd like to think that your brain does that in an attempt to track all of your thoughts at any given time. But when you're thinking 1000 things and feeling at least seven different emotions at once, your brain feels like it might explode.

That sums up my current state of affairs. I've got a bike coming in that I'm going to be assembling by myself and hopefully riding by the weekend. I have various gifts to buy people. I have school starting up in three weeks. I turn 26 in 18 days. I'm entering a manuscript poetry contest which has a deadline in less than a month. My Twitter has been poppin for reasons unbeknownst to me. I'm writing almost daily. Things at work have been changing rapidly.

Also, I'm questioning whether our careful precautionary movements regarding Yemen and the Middle East/North Africa are strong preventative measures or interpreted as weakness in the eyes of the enemy. Al Qaeda probably feel like a bunch of smug puppies since their serious and credible threats are enough to shut down U.S. Embassies and clear all Americans out of Yemen. Of course I am for the safety of the American people. But I can't help thinking how this looks weak. Sure we send some drones over the "badlands" and knockout a few operatives but I would be willing to bet that despite, this Al Qaeda feels pretty strong and pretty threatening.

Lot's of thoughts. My heart is somewhere else and my brain is functioning at 56% capacity. Such is life.

Until next time...

I've got Cilantro, Lemons and Limes....Now What?

Today was a day of mini adventures. The first being my resolve to get up very early and truck on down to NoLibs for a free outdoor yoga class. The class ran 9-10 and I had kickboxing 10-11 and the two exercise venues are in adjacent neighborhoods so I thought, hey...let's do a double workout.

I did. It was hard and it rained the whole time. I did yoga with over 60 other people in the Piazza, in the rain. It was pretty awesome. I don't mind yoga classes where instructors creep up behind you and next thing you know their hands are on your hips positioning them in a direction you didn't want them to go. That happened several times. Downward dog hurts when you're doing it on concrete....yoga mat and yoga towel and all. Also I got really acquainted with my knees and decided I didn't like how they look. They're pudgy and full of cellulite. Got to work on that. Anyway, after having raindrops land in my ears and eyes and everywhere else, 10:02 rolled around and we didn't seem to be anywhere near Shavasana. The instructor kept telling us to "stop taking ourselves so damn seriously." I thought yoga wasn't a laughing matter so I'm pretty sure I had an angry/concentrating face on the whole time. She was setting up for "Boat" pose and it looked like something I didn't want to do/would hurt. So I decided to pack up my gear and book it to kickboxing. Adjuster/Instructor smiled at me as I left, and I mouthed "Sorry I have to go." I managed to tell her "thanks" and commit to attending next week before leaving.

I got to kickboxing and missed the warm up but considering I just warmed up for an hour I was good to go. Stiff despite the fact I was promised "I would be standing taller today" I made it though the workout. I left Kboxing and headed to Reading Terminal Market in search of reasonably priced and delicious produce.

Iovine Produce was hopping, as it always is. So I had to try really hard not to whack people in the back with my yoga mat. I picked up a selection of fruit and some vegetables and that is when I saw it. I saw the largest watermelon I have ever seen in my entire life. I must have gawked at it for a good 3-5 minutes. I ran over all the scenarios in my head as to how I could get it home. I'm on public transit, my hands and arms and shoulders already full. There was no way me and this watermelon were going to get home without one of us getting injured.

It was so big and beautiful. (That's what she said hahaha). I had a friend that once said "If there was ever someone who would try to live off of watermelon alone it would be Mary Anna." He was right. I can eat my way through an entire watermelon by myself in one week. I love it. This giant watermelon was the watermelon of all watermelons. I saw it as a challenge. It could feed me for TWO weeks! It was only $5. Next to the watermelons on steroids sat cantaloupes on steroids. They were only $3.49 and looked more manageable in terms of transit. I needed to pick one up to smell it but the big one I wanted was wedged under a bunch of other ones. I didn't want to knock down the whole display. I considered bending down to sniff the big one I wanted but I didn't want people to think I was crazy. That's how I tell if they are ripe or not. You can tell from the scent!

After deliberating for what felt like hours but in truth was only a few minutes, I left the watermelon behind. I then went to search for lemons, limes and cilantro. I'm making a pan-seared avocado/chicken dish on Sunday and I needed a few citrus fruits as well as the potent herb. Catch 22 is, I never bought cilantro before in my life! I had consumed it, seen it, probably even smelled it. But I never picked it out of a basket of various herbs.

In the herb section, almost everything looked the same. I was thankful for my 4+ years of food service training. This allowed me to identify the Parksley. I pulled out something that looked cilantro-like and well...smelled it. It smelled like mint leaves and I only know that smell because my friend grows mint and we make mojitos with it. (You never know what experiences in life will give you lasting knowledge). I finally gave up and tapped the nice lady who was restocking the herbs and asked "Excuse me, could you please point out the cilantro?" She grunted and pointed her finger and an herb I didn't even consider to be what I needed. I thanked her, grabbed a bushel and sniffed it. It was quite potent. It was also a lot of cilantro for one person. I bought it anyway.

So after this adventure I passed the watermelon one last time, casting a longing glance at it as I walked away. I checked out and headed home. Of course the bus driver blew past my departure stop....at least I didn't have the watermelon.

I meant to put the produce away but somehow found myself in an epic death nap lasting 2.5 hours. I swear I just sat down on my couch and BAM I was out. I woke up around 3 and decided to embark on adventure #3....getting my Ray-Bans from the Post Office. But first I had to Google how to store cilantro (and avocadoes). I found a good method, cut my stems, placed them in a jar and covered the leaves with a plastic bag. After this I found my hands smelled strongly of cilantro.

Despite this I knew I had to get the Ray-Bans so I put the cilantro away and walked leisurely down to the giant post office and stood in an epically long line until I did something accidental but miraculous. I waved my pickup slip in a certain direction and next thing I know, the Postman has me jumping the line, cruising past 14 people to retrieve my package. At last, my Ray-Ban Wayfarers and I were united.

Much like my aviator adventures, I tore the box open and wore them on my way home, occasionally sniffing the cilantro smell from my hands...

I stopped at Trader Joe's for my breakfast burrito (dinner) necessities and then continued home. My hands still smell like cilantro. I now have 3 lemons, 3 limes and enough cilantro to feed a restaurant. I seriously want to Google "I've got lemons, limes and cilantro...now what?"  My Ray-Bans are great, but now smell like cilantro too.

Also, I can't stop thinking about that watermelon I left behind. I have decided to retrieve it tomorrow with an empty backpack to carry it home in. I get a student discount on Sunday too. The current status of my produce-packed fridge worries me. There is no room for watermelon. But where there is a will there is a way. It is happening.

Until next time...

I Have an Unnatural Obsession With Ray-Bans

If you've noticed, I have been blogging a lot more frequently lately. The first reason behind this influx is that I've been working on increasing my writing endeavors. I've been blogging, journaling and trying to find creative writing outlets which I can send my work to. The second reason is because I like writing way more than I like my job. Writing makes me happy. Thus, when I have breaks at work, I write. Sometimes I take breaks from work to write.

Today's post is inspired by my bizarre love for Ray-Bans. I'm not really a materialistic brand girl. Yes I own a few Apple products, and yes I have a Samsung Galaxy S3. I do enjoying coveting the occasional Victoria Secret bag with the PINK label emblazoned on the front. I'd enjoy their bras more if I didn't fit the largest size they offer during the semi-annual sale aka the only time MA can afford VS bras. My jeans tend to come from places like Marshall's, Burlington Coat Factory and Ross. I refuse to pay more than $10 for a t-shirt unless its a custom made "Haters Gonna Hate" T-shirt from Cafe Press.

I was raised on the clearance rack at Kmart. I learned the value of stretching the dollar. That economical common sense lasted way into adult hood. Sure there were times when I really wanted to shop at A&F (they hate fat people btw) or own a Coach purse, but I can't justify paying a crap ton of money just for the brand name. I remember in college, a bunch of girls and I went to the outlets. One girl was in a Coach store and she held up two, nearly identical brown Coach wristlets. "They're on sale! They're only $300 a piece!"

DAFUQ?

I went though a phase where I almost bought a designer purse but I just couldn't justify spending $250 on a handbag. I could buy several cases of beer, my favorite vodka, a Phillies t-shirt, and some cute thrift store jeans and still have money left over to pay my utilities and buy groceries. I couldn't bring myself to do it.

But there is ONE BRAND that is my weakness. One brand that makes me feel invincible when I serve as a walking billboard for their product, and that brand is Ray-Ban. I remember when I bought my first pair of aviators. I got them through a deal on Tippr.com (Ever the thrift-saver). The typically $150 sunglasses were mailed to my dwelling (after a long and agonizing wait) at the reasonable price of $55. Yes. I paid $55 for a pair of sunglasses and I felt so grown up and proud. Gone were the days of rocking cheap $14 over-sized "bitch goggles" as an old friend used to say. I am an adult and I can afford adult things.

I wear my aviators ALL THE TIME. I also value the expensiveness of them and haven't broken them like my many cheap pairs. This is not to say that Ray-Ban is just that sturdy, because I'm pretty sure one wrong sit down accident and they'd be toast. But I care about them more because I spent so much money on them.

Which is why my obsession grew and a year later I found myself stalking deals for Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. "I just need the Wayfarers and I'll be good. Then I can switch between the aviators and the Wayfarers!" So I found another deal. This time I paid $63 for them and they should arrive today. I'm so excited. I'm like a little kid on Christmas morning waiting for these $63 sunglasses that have the tiny little Ray-Ban insignia written on the top left corner of the glasses. (Along with Ray-Ban on the arm).

I'm trying to convince myself that this is it. I can't be dropping $50 on sunglasses. That is at least a case of beer and one of my utility bills. However while shopping for my Wayfarers (classic black) I fell in love with an orange framed Wayfarer pair with blue/grey gradient tint shades. I WANT THEM. They were $122 + shipping and no deal. I can't justify my love for that price but I can stalk the shit out of them until I find another impeccable deal that will allow me to purchase them and add them to my obsessive collection!

Until next time...

Random Thoughts on a Rainy Thursday

If you listen to 90's emo music on a rainy day, it might actually make you feel better, or at least feel like the music fits your tired and blah mood.

Sometimes I wish I worked shift work again because you would randomly get days off in the middle of the week. Sometimes I even miss dining services or basic customer service work (like my sweet job as a supervisor at W&M's Campus Recreation Center). Oftentimes I think I could actually be happier as a waitress in a backwoods diner. Not forever, but long enough to get a journalism job.

I don't think I'm ever going to be able to pay off my student loan debt, nor buy my Kia Soul I want, nor buy a house.

I wish I could buy houses in bad neighborhoods, flip them, and rent them out as the neighborhood is gentrified. There is good money in that market but I wouldn't know where to begin. That and I assume if I'm going to buy a house, perhaps it should be one I live in first.

I love Philadelphia and it is truly home to me.

I have to eat a really light dinner before I kick box otherwise the intense cardio gives me indigestion and makes the exercise a not so pleasant experience.

Reading news from different parts of the world about America is an interesting experience.

I guess that is all for now. I should probably focus on my work.

Until next time...

Deconstruction

Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is my favorite poem of all time. I can't remember where I found it or when, but I knew I loved the words, the images and the seamless flow from stanza to stanza. Ironically, it took me years to truly understand exactly what the poem means. At first glance, it reads as a sweet and passionate love poem. The final stanza has the reader thinking "awwww." But when carefully examined, you see there is more to this poem that meets the eye. Yes, it is a love poem. But it details a special, sacred kind of love. This is not puppy love or a crush or infatuation or lust. This is 100% genuine love. 

Neruda begins by telling his beloved he does not love her as if she were a beautiful gem or crystal rock. He loves her as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret between body and soul. Between body and soul? That is a deep rooted place. This love isn't hailed from the treetops or embellished with material declarations. It is a private and secret love. 

Neruda loves what he can't see but knows exists. The plant that never blooms but carries within itself the light of hidden flowers. Mystery. The scent of these hidden flowers lives within him. He and his love are integrated, combined, together, within each other. 

True love is unselfish. ("Love does not boast...etc"). If you are really, truly in love with someone, you tell them you love them for the sole reason of letting them hear the words fall from your lips. You do not tell them to hear the words back. You do not say it for a reaction. You state the fact and are content with that. This third stanza encapsulates what true love feels like. When you love someone without knowing how or when or from where. You know it comes from deep inside you but you love them with ALL of you so it is hard to pinpoint a place. You know it is love but you don't know why. There is not ONE reason. You just DO. You love without complexities and pride. This is the only way you know how to love. 

The final stanza brings the message home. That two people are so in love they become one. The cliche is "Two become one" and we hear it in poems and songs and stories and in movies. But Neruda puts this cliche into the most elegant words. "Than this: where I does not exist, nor you. So close that your hand on my chest is my hand. So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep." I feel this is the type of phenomenon that occurs with elderly couples who have been together for decades. This could happen with new love too, but like a petulant child, love begins immature and grows wise over time. 

Such a beautiful poem. It takes careful thought and analysis to truly appreciate how hard Pablo Neruda can hit home when it comes to true and unselfish love. 

Until next time... 

Adventures in Online Retail Therapy

I didn't wake up distraught. I was in a somewhat tired mood, still recovering from a social hangover from endless and fun interaction this weekend. Yet last night I bought a "Haters Gonna Hate" t-shirt and a "YOLO" trucker hat. That must have been when it started.

For today I dropped a healthy sum at Urban Outfitters and then received my annual employee evaluation. It was decent but it did not live up to my overachieving standards, thus I was disappointed with my review score. Channeling this disappointment, I purchased my beloved Ray-Ban Wayfarers that I've been eyeing all summer. All I had to do was sign up for an e-mail list for Amazon Shoes and I got a 20% coupon to use which knocked my Ray-Bans down a lot. Two years ago I purchased Ray-Ban Aviators from an online deal site. I got the pricey spectacles for a mere $55. My Wayfarers cost me $63 with free shipping. That is a deal.

Now I sit here, mildly sated yet still upset about my review. I'm a little concerned about that credit card debt I just racked up in a mere 24 hours. However, I'm excited that now I have a parade of purchases to look forward to. There is something to be said for coming home and finding a package on your doorstep with your name on the front. This "high" should last at least two weeks since I ordered so many items.

I don't typically resort to retail therapy in an effort to cope with my emotions, but somehow I feel this shopping spree was validated.

Until next time...

25 Year Old Wisdom

7 Things That Will Inevitably Happen To You:

1. Friends will stop being your friends for no reason. They will legit just drop off the face of the earth without a farewell and you'll struggle for awhile to hold them close. Eventually you will come to accept the fact that your friendship is over, with no rhyme or reason and you will move on to make new friends. As Macklemore says "You'll meet people whose paths intersect but you don't know how long you'll walk with them."

2. You will fall in love with "the wrong person" and begin to question whether or not they are really that "wrong" after all. The whole situation will come out of nowhere. It will seem improbable. Then you'll find yourself immersed in a love affair with someone who regardless how long they stay with you, will change your life.

3. You will compare yourself to your friends, because thanks to social media you know more about them then you ever wanted to know. There will be a point where if female you will feel pressured to get married and pop out children. If you're male, you'll be striving to land that perfect job so you can buy a nice car and find a woman to take care of. You will reach a point where you either cave into the pressure or defy these "social media norms" and live your own life the way you want to.

4. You will procrastinate on your ambitions. You will think "I have my whole life for that" without realizing life can change in an instant. That novel, song, painting, dance group, book club, invention...that you've been putting off will need to take precedence in your life to become a reality. You're not immortal and your talents may shift and change as you grow older.

5. Your mentors, parents, favorite teachers will get older and retire and this will SCARE you. You'll realize the older people you love have crossed the mountain peak of life and are now headed on the downhill slide. You'll see your parents forget things. You'll see them wince when they get out of a chair. You'll see your favorite high school teacher retire. People around you will age, and it will make you nervous but you will eventually accept it.

6. It will take forever to pay off your student loan debt. Especially if you went for a Masters Degree. Keep telling yourself it was worth it, because in truth, it was. My grandmother always used to say, "No one can take your education away from you."

7. You will eventually be persuaded to join civic groups like neighborhood councils, city coalitions, cleanup, renovation, revitalization groups. It is called adulthood. Do your part.

Thought for the Evening

When I'm not sure what to say or how to say things, I rely on someone else. Here is Sara Bareilles:

1000 Times

Back of the room
Looking at you
Counting the steps
Between us

A hundred and five
Little blades in a line
From your skin to mine
And I feel it

Eyes on the ground
But I can't look up now
Don't wanna give it away
My secret

In another life,
My teeth and tongue
Would speak aloud what until now
I've only sung

Cause I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry each and every time
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times

You can make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
(Hey Hey)

Kiss me goodnight
Like a good friend might
I'll do the same
But won't mean it

Cause love is a cage
These words on a page
Carry the pain
They don't free it

In another life
I wouldn't need to
Console myself
As I resign to release you

Cause I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry each and every time
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times

You can make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times

Again again
I let it go, let it go
Cover my mouth
Don't let a single word slip out

Wouldn't wanna tell you, no
Tell you, no
Nothing could be worse
Than the risk of
Losing what I don't have now

And we could buy the minute, though
Is it so bad if I wanna cry out

That I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry almost every time
But I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times

Make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
I would come back 1000 times (Hey yeah)
I would come back 1000 times



Until next time.....

A Little Bit of Blah

The Fourth of July was like any other 4th with the exception of its ending. I went down to the Parkway for the typical festivities, retrieved some free WaWa beverages and proceeded to go home to my air conditioning to make adult beverages. Around 6 I headed down to the concerts and fireworks. I was pretty excited to see J. Cole, Ne-Yo, Hunter Hayes and the Roots. I parked my behind on a curb right in front of the jumbotron. I didn't want to head down towards the stage because the seating area is really blocked off, you can't see anything and I tried to win seats this year and that failed. My spot was nice except for after about 2.5 hours sitting on a curb in shorts, adjusting into every position imaginable, my butt hurt and I was sweating everywhere.

Alas, the concert ended and I made my way to the middle of the Parkway to watch the fireworks. As I stepped over some girl's outstretched legs, someone yelled "Hey!" Turns out, a friend from college who graduated the year before me was attending the fireworks as well and she recognized me! I was really glad to see her and we caught up for a few minutes before the fireworks started.

The show was spectacular until I heard screaming coming from my right. I looked over and saw the crowd of people screaming and running towards me. "He's got a gun! He's got a gun!" someone yelled in a panic.

I was in the dead center of the Parkway. Oddly enough I was calm. I knew I had to move because I'd risk getting trampled if I stayed put. The "threat" was the last thing on my mind. As I turned to seek an open area to the left of the Parkway, I power walked through debris and checked for people on the ground. The whole time I kept saying in my head "Don't fall. Don't fall. Don't trip. Don't fall." If I did either of these things, I'd surely be injured. I made it to the side of the Parkway without incident. People were running and crying everywhere. I found a woman bent over trying to stand up. I put my hand on her back and tried to stay with her to see if I could help her up. As I moved to the front of her, another wave of panicked people came rushing towards us and I had to move. I wasn't able to help her as she fell down again.

The Parkway was littered with coolers, chairs, bottles, shoes, pretty much everything imaginable. I meandered closer to the Art Museum so I could watch the Grand Finale of the fireworks. As they ended I made my way home, fortunate enough to run into my friend from college and her group. She was fine, we hugged and said we were happy to see each other and catch up.

The scene on my way home was something out of a movie. People crying. Mother's crying hysterically because they had lost their kid in the fray. Children crying because they lost their mothers. People's nerves shattered. Police and fire trucks everywhere. I never cried, I never panicked and I was never worried about getting shot or blown to bits. I'm glad I stayed calm in the face of panic, but I worry my response wasn't as "flight" as it should be. Am I that desensitized to violence in Philadelphia?

Friday came and went, a quiet day at work with limited staff, for smart people called out to have a four day weekend. Then it was the weekend.

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I've been real lethargic and just, unwilling to move about. I spent a lot of time eating and watching Netflix this weekend. I even skipped kickboxing on Saturday which is very much not like me. I'm so tired but I can't seem to sleep, yet on Saturday and Sunday I got out of bed around noon and 1pm. I'm dreading the week ahead as well.

So it has been a bit of a blah weekend. I'm hoping the week will be better but it won't. I have to haul ass to accomplish some tasks before I leave for a brief vacation to the Shore next weekend. Oh well, such is life.

Until next time....