Realization Of

This morning I woke up feeling sick. My head hurt, my stomach hurt and I felt like I was going to puke. I also felt really dizzy and weak. It was a horrible feeling. I was hoping to wake up and walk 3.5 miles with my mom this morning like I did yesterday. That plan failed. I slept until about noon and finally got up and showered and attempted to iron some clothes. I felt better after a shower and I feel almost 100% better now. I am wondering if maybe I'm having a bad reaction to the antibiotics. I have a cyst that I'm trying to get rid of. Gross and TMI, I know. So I'm taking amoxicillan for it. I've taken this type of antibiotic before and never had an adverse reaction to it. This sickness is sudden and kind of a freak thing. At least I feel a bit better now.

So my additional news. Most of you know this but for those that don't, I have been accepted into RMC!!!! Officially! Orientation is August 16th. I have a week long orientation and my first day of work is my birthday, August 24th. I have been placed in my first choice placement site which is Drueding Center/Project Rainbow. This is a transitional home for homeless mothers and their children ages newborn to about 12 years of age located in Philadelphia. This is where I found I was needed the most. My official position title is "Youth Advocate."

As a Youth Advocate I'd be the voice of the youth. First of all, this is a brand new position so I don't really have a concrete job description. I'm sort of my own boss but I'll have a supervisor to report back to on my progress.. I'll be assessing the children's education and social needs. I'll have to plan and execute programs which stimulate their intellectual growth. Additionally I will work with the Homeless Childrens Initiative program in Philly and with the local public schools. I kind of have to build a relationship with key school faculty (principals, guidance counselors, etc) to learn how I can better help the homeless children in Drueding Center. I'm really excited and really nervous. The neat thing is that this position has the potential to revolutionize their program in a really positive direction! Talk about impact!

I'll be living in a community of about three to four Sisters and two other volunteers. We'll be living in a Convent in Huntingdon Valley. So I have about a 40 min commute into the city for work but I get to live in a nice part right outside the city. The program provides me with room and board, a small stipend for personal expenses, health insurance, spiritual guidance, community living, and the Americorps Award at the end of my service year. We also get a community car to use.

So that is the official news. It is really neat, my mom and dad are trying to help me get ready for the 'real' world. My mom is busy helping me pick out work outfits and my dad is giving me life advice. They are driving me up to Lewes, DE around the 12th or 13th or so. Then I'm taking the ferry over to NJ to stay with fam until the 16th. My Aunt is going to drive me up to Philly.

In other good news I'm trying really hard to take my health into my own hands. I stumbled across some pictures of me in high school. I couldn't believe how thin I was then. I thought I was kind of fat but nothing to what I am now. Not to be a downer on myself but I am def watching what I eat, drinking lots of water, and trying to exercise. I don't want to be an overweight single girl. I do hate society for making the ultimate standard of beauty a thin girl with perfect skin. That is unrealistic but the truth.

My two best friends from high school will all be officially moved back on the Eastern Shore tomorrow. So I'll have Beth and Clay to enjoy before I leave. Beth is going to grad school and Clay is looking for a job in marketing.

I guess that is it. Nothing really amazing has happened. It has just been little things. Family life is going well though. For once. Within my house. Hope it stays that way.

Until next time...

Let the rest of my life begin

New Jersey was great! I arrived on Friday afternoon and was greeted by my grandmother, aunt, and two cousins at the Ferry. I couldn't believe how much my cousins have grown. Laura is 11 and Johnny is 7. We kind of relaxed a bit on Friday, taking in the day to do a few errands and such. That night we rented a movie, Session 9. It was ok but it could have been scarier. One of the things I love about going to New Jersey to visit family is that I get spoiled like a child. I get soda, sweets, cable, and we rent scary movies every night. I mean I suppose I could do that here except my parents eat pretty healthy, soda is limited, we don't have cable so we have to watch the movies we have all the time. I really got to bond with Laura over her Spanish summer worksheet. It was fun because we developed a lot of inside jokes out of it.

Sunday was memorable (I'm skipping around). I got up early and went to church with the family. Afterwards we had brunch at McDonalds and returned back to the house. I had a date that night with a guy who works with my Aunt. Laura had a birthday party before my date so I requested to be dropped off at my grandmother's house for a few hours. I will never forget this time I had with her. I literally had my grandmother all to myself for three hours. We looked at my pictures, figured out where I'd be working in Philly in relation to places she has been and lived. But it was nice just talking to my grandmother for a few hours without others around or distractions. Our conversations were never really deep or emotional, but they were meaningful to me. I will never forget that day and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything.

Laura and my Aunt arrived kind of late, leaving me with less then an hour to get ready for my big date. We went shopping for a birthday present for Laura's friend earlier that day and I scored a rockin dress. I was looking for white Capri's to go with my black ass dress shirt but I came up empty. I opened my mind a bit and tried to find something else that would work. Before you know it I found this really cute blue dress. It went down to right above my knees, covered my fatty arms, had a plunging neckline and was made out of a material that didn't make me look fat. I loved it! It was a $30 for $15. I had to buy it. So I had this rockin dress and a date in less than an hour. I panicked as I got a shower, dried my hair, and tried to do my make up in about five seconds. Fortunately Chris got a little lost so I bought extra time.

The evening was great. He picked me up in his convertible and we venture to Sea Isle City for dinner and drinks and some entertainment here and there. We had dinner at La Casa then went to two clubs with live bands playing. I really liked Ocean Drive because the band played 90s rock and they had $5 shots of Patron on special. We had a great time. We also went to a saloon and an Irish Pub to check out the scene. He drove me home and I passed out on the air mattress in my Aunt's living room.

Monday me and the family went to the boardwalk. We rode the rides and enjoyed roller coasters, boardwalk fries, the Ferris wheel, claw machines and ice cream. I had a great day. I was a little exhausted from the night before so I didn't mind when the day came to a close. That night we watched "The Knowing" an interesting movie which didn't quite have a good ending. Tuesday we ran a few errands and visited the airport museum with my grandmother. I got to get my picture taken in various planes and helicopters. That was a lot of fun. My grandmother loves looking at the old war planes. On Wednesday my last day, we hung out in the pool and day and enjoyed the sun. My grandmother watched us from the porch. I left on Thursday afternoon and drove to Beth's to help her house sit until today, Sunday.

There are a few more things to tell but I'm exhausted so I'm going to get a shower and pass out in my own bed for the first time in two weeks. I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow.

Until next time...

Jersey Tomorrow

Well I leave for the NJ homeland tomorrow to spend a week with my family up north. I'll try to keep updating as adventures happen. <3

Have a great weekend!

Epic Proportions

There are several things on my mind this evening. The first is just me noticing the jargon of today. Five years ago I did not use the following phrases:

totes = totally "I'm totes going to say that"
sketch= shady "That party was so sketch"
lolz= haha "Then he tripped. Lolz" (pronounced lull-zzzz)
FML = f*** my life "I had such a bad day. FML"
shiz = stuff "I have to pick up my shiz at the house"
biddy= hag or female dog "You ol' biddy you"
I'm just saying - (self explanatory)
sweet = cool "That game was so sweet"
most def = definitely "Most def, I'll be there"
stoked = excited "I'm so stoked for the weekend"
for real(z) = seriously? "I'm going to the Outer Banks for realz this time.
FAIL= something didn't go right "I tried to ask this guy out but he walked away before I could approach him. FAIL."
Epic = great "This weekend is going to be of epic proportions. OR This day is going to be EPIC"
That's What She Said = sexual innuendo "I wish it was bigger. " "Thats what she said"

There are more but I can't think of them right now. I just was amused at thinking my language today and my language five years ago. We used to say "the bomb" and "gnarly" and crap like that. Also, I want to incorporate the word "chagrin" in my vocab more often now.

Secondly. I had my cousins over for a few days. It was really great spending time with family. We didn't end up going anywhere but we watched a lot of movies and sat around and talked. It was really nice. This visit made me realize how much kids like me. I think I'm not good with kids and that I'm better with the elderly and dogs. But kids are the least judgmental creatures on the face of the earth. I became a human jungle gym and loved it. The moment I'll remember the most is when I was laying on the floor watching a movie. The two girls, one is almost 4 and the other is 6 were laying on the floor and leaning on me. So I was kind of like a big pillow. Suddenly the almost 2 year old waddles over to me, and sits down right above my chest and lays on me too. So I have a picture of the three girls laying on me watching the movie. I forget how good I am with kids. So maybe if I ever become a youth advocate one day I'll do all right.

Things at home have been on the rocky side. Small fights with my parents have escalated into serious ones. I've decided to put some distance between me and my parents for a short time. Not that this idea solves everything. I'll be going up to New Jersey to stay with family for a week starting Friday. Then I'll be back to help my friend house sit for a few days. I might help her move out of her apartment across the bay as well. So that is two weeks that I'll be out of my house and out of my parents' hair. Granted, they will miss me and I'll miss them. I just think it would be wise to have a mutual break. This is the most cost efficient way I can make it happen. I'll be spending little to no money on both trips. Plus I get to hang out with my Jersey family for a whole week! This includes my grandmother, aunt, uncle, cousins and even some dogs. I'm stoked.

In other news, RMC has not called yet. They said they would call in a week to a week and a half. It has been almost a week and a half. I'm getting nervous. Like, there was a glitch in the reports or something and they are going to come to the difficult conclusion that I am not right for the program. I mean, I didn't think that was a possibility. I'm trying to rule it out in my head. Since it is getting really close to being almost two weeks I'm expecting a phone call tomorrow or Tuesday. I'd prefer tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

That is about it. I'm just watching shows on my computer and dreaming about the future. I'm looking forward to these two weeks though. It is bound to be a blast and full of adventures.

Until next time....

Wishing and Hoping and Waiting and Pacing

I haven't posted in few days because nothing interesting has happened to me lately. I still do not have a job. I am still fighting with my parents almost every day. I still haven't heard from RMC about whether or not I'm accepted. I've done chores to prepare for my cousins' arrival. My dad's nephew and his family are coming to stay with us until Sunday. This will be a good time. It means a surplus of food and treats, unlimited sodas, perhaps some beer, and family fun for like three days. We're talking carnivals, state parks, watching movies. Seeing my grandmother and Aunt in New Jersey and having my dad's nephew come visit are the closest I get to family gatherings or family fun. I have a decently sized family too.

There is my mom who is one of five kids. My grandmother on her side is my only living grandparent. So I have three uncles and one aunt from my mom's siblings. Then of course almost all of them are married so that's more aunts and uncles. The only cousins I really talk to are my aunt's two kids. They are pretty young, like 11 and 6 or something like that. I'm not really sure. Then I have four great aunts. One passed away from breast cancer, one past away due to illness, and two reside in the suburbs of Philly. I am really close with my grandmother and try to talk to her at least every day.

On my dad's side of the family he was one of five. There were three brothers and one sister. One of the brothers kind of dropped off the face of the earth. The other two were kind of sort of in contact with my immediate family but now they just live their own lives. I haven't seen them since I was about 4 years old. I don't really talk to the aunt either. Then I have a great aunt who sends me presents and cards on holidays. I don't even know what she looks like. My grandparents on his side died before my parents were married. But sure enough we discovered through hereditary searches that my dad's nephew was looking for his uncles. We got connected and in a day I had over seven new cousins. My dad's three nephews and their children. It is pretty awesome. Then through more tracking we actually found my dad's half brother....that was almost a family secret. My dad knew of his half brother but never knew who he was. So that whole section of the family came down from the north to visit my dad. So, I do have family. It is just kind of spread out.

I'm an only child too.

So today one of my dad's nephews is coming with his wife and three kids. They visited us last year too. They are a great bunch. The kids add a bit of livelihood into the house. I like to hang out with my cousin who took an interest in my radio show.

Other than that I've just been sitting by the phone waiting for RMC to call me. I was told I'd hear from the Director in a week to a week and a half. The official mark for one week was yesterday. Ok, so week and a half...that is Friday or Saturday. Today is Thursday. I really hope I hear something soon. While yes, Eileen said it looked good, anything could change. They could find a flaw in one of the reports or think about something I said during a meeting or dinner and decide I'm not a good fit for the program. I'm starting to doubt myself, even though that was the best interview I've ever had. What would I do if they reject me? Get a real job, obviously. I'd move out as quickly as I could find a job. But what would I do? A part of doing this program is because I still don't know what I want to do with my life. So this will help me decide or come up with something or learn things about myself that I didn't know before. Please call. You are making me nervous.

Its almost noon and I am still rockin my PJs. I suppose I should get dressed and make sure there is nothing else that needs to be cleaned or cooked or arranged. You'd think the Queen of England was coming to visit. :) I'm not complaining. Its a fresh change of pace and a break from monotony.

Until next time....

Fourth of July Weekend

The Fourth of July is my favorite holiday. It is special because about five or six years ago I went to a party at my friend's half built house and had an amazing time. It was kind of my first "real" party so to speak. I love fireworks. I love summer. I love cookouts and I love the beach. I really appreciate our freedom and used to don red white and blue apparel year round. I actually owned a pair of American Flag freedom pants. I had the little headbands with wiggly flags on them. I love the Fourth and always try to do something special.

This 4th was no exception. I started early by spending the night at my friend, Beth's house on Friday night. This made things easier for Saturday's fun. Friday night I went to the ice cream festival at my old town. This was an incredibly hick but cute festival featuring the All Shore Band, bell ringers, free ice cream, and lots of people. Then we went to the carnival, lost at bingo, ate fried Oreos and had a pretty good time. Then we went to Shucker's for a few drinks. I had so much fun dancing that when I dropped it like it was hot I split my skirt. I was dancing out on the floor and felt a bit of a draft. I reached behind me and realized that my skirt had split from the top all the way to the bottom. Awkward, I know. So I spun the skirt to the side and tried to pull off some sort of retro rip look. I kind of just looked stupid. I was amused but this incident sobered me up right quick. We stayed at Shuckers till last call and then headed home. I decided I was a bit hungry so I made a pit stop at McDonalds at 2am. haha I ate my quarter pounder with cheese as I drove back to Beth's. It was a really fun night and a great way to kick off the Fourth.

Saturday morning I woke up early to walk in a small town parade with Beth and her dog, Baller. Her mom made a streamer collar out of red, white and blue and we put it around his neck. So we walked in this parade, showing off the dog. At the end of the parade we were rewarded with Popsicles and water. Beth's parents drove me back to her house because she had to pick up her friend, Jon. I got my stuff together and went to the creek to meet Clay and his fam. We took the boat over to Cedar Island, yes the land of magical wonder. Here I ate fried chicken and home made brownies with joy while sipping on a Bud Light. It was awesome. We went to seaside and played in the baby waves and visited other locals/ate their food. haha I think we were on the island from noon till about 6pm. I only got a tad bit sun burnt, Beth got the worst of it. Jon had a great time. Clay and I have crazy pictures. It was perfect.

I returned to land, took a shower at Beth's and then tried to plan my next move. There were going to be fireworks at Shuckers so we had plans to go there. I called up the parents to let them know what was up and they were less than thrilled. Due to a communication problem, my parents were under the impression I was coming home right after the beach. Therefore, they had made plans to go to the carnival with me that night. I remember telling them about fireworks and was just trying to figure out how to save gas/spend time wisely from 6pm-10pm. This resulted in a fight due to the disagreement. They are still kind of upset with me.

So I'm working through that. We found out that the fireworks started at 9pm....and it was 8:55. We booked it over to Shuckers and witnessed comeback fireworks. What does that mean? Well, my old town used to have a really nice firework display each year at the Fireman's carnival. This town sold the carnival rides and gave up the carnival grounds. They just couldn't afford to hold the carnival anymore. So there are no fireworks in town. To see Eastern Shore fireworks you had to drive all the way up to the top of the Shore or all the way down to the bottom. This is not convenient for us middle of the road folks. So Shucker's, "the Eastern Shore's Premier Nightclub haha" decided to host a firework show. It was beautiful. The show lasted about 15 min or so, they had a beautiful right above your head display of professional fireworks. I think the display was better than the carnival's old displays. So there, comeback fireworks! The town made a comeback.

Then I had to make a hard decision. Beth was really sun burnt and not feeling well. I was staying at her house for the night. I could either go home with her and watch a movie. Or I could stay at Shux with Clay and meet up with Cora, a good friend of mine from high school theatre and forensics days. I hadn't seen Cora in over four years. I know now I should have went home with Beth and be with her. I didn't. I stayed out for a second night at Shucker's with my other friends. It was a blast, I won't lie. I saw people I had a class with one semester in freshman year of high school. I saw people I went to middle school with and who dropped off the face of the earth. I got an old forensics picture with three other people from our team. The music was good, the atmosphere was more of the young crowd, and it was fun. Cora drove me back to Beth's around 1 or so in the morning. (After we had a parking lot feast of McDonalds cars side by side). Beth said she didn't mind if I went out or stayed with her as long as I "was returned to her custody haha." But I'm an idiot for not going back with my friend who I was staying with. She was so sun burnt and tired and I didn't even feel like going out that night to begin with. I just wanted to see Cora, who in turn wanted to hang out with me for a bit.

You can't please everyone. I will never learn. I try to take the road of less damage but I think I just end up choosing the road of most damage. I don't know.

But that was my weekend in a nutshell. It was a really good time and I enjoyed my favorite holiday. My friends all leave tomorrow and go back to their lives in C-ville and Richmond. I, will be back to spending my days trying to find a job for a month and a half and waiting to hear if RMC accepts me or not. Thrilling, I know.

Upon reflecting on the many reasons why I am so excited about RMC I realized a few things.
1. This program is perfect because I really don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm up in the air about counseling, social work, journalism and the like. I have no set plan.

2. This is a transition from college life to the real world. I've have similar responsibilities I would if I were on my own, I'll have a 9-5 M-F kind of job, I'll have to keep my living space clean and be courteous to others. Its like the real world on training wheels.

3. I love the fact I can continue nurturing my spiritual life. I'm coming from being involved in CCM to being a parish orphan. Yeah. This gives me no outlet to grow in my faith or continue to build my trust and relationship with God.

4. I love the adventure aspect. I'm literally giving this up to God and basically pulling a "Jesus take the Wheel." I don't know where I'm going to end up. I don't know what is going to come of a year. I don't know what I'm going to do after a year. (Which excites me instead of scares me). I always wanted to plan my whole life out, every last move, but now I'm just seeing where things go and what comes of them. Its so adventurous.

5. Practicality. While this position does not relieve credit card debt of any kind and makes me drain half my savings to pay off debt while serving a year, it is beneficial in many other ways. Spiritual growth, almost 5 grand to pay off student loans in one shot, loan forbearance for a year because face it, I really don't have any money to pay my loans now anyway, room and board (no rent or bill worries for one year), stipend so small I have to really think about how to use it (building financial responsibility), free health insurance (co-pay) (well I'm uninsured right now...and I will remain so if I go get a job on my own), community living (learning lessons and transitioning from being around people all the time to being on my own). It makes sense. With the economy, it makes even more sense. Everyone is going to grad school or volunteering for a year.

There are tons of reasons why I really want to do this. Including the fact I felt incredibly at home and happy during my interview. Honeymoon stage or not, I loved it.

But I guess I still have things to think about. Oh, yeah, and relationships to repair right now. Oh, and a temp job to find.

Until next time.....

A little taste of home

This evening I went to the carnival with my friends Clay and Beth. I got there a little late because finding parking was like looking for a gold brick in a dollar store. I found my friends seated in the front row watching kareoke. After watching a few acts myself I soon found out why. This was the best entertainment no cost can buy. Some people were awesome and upbeat. Some people were downright brave. Others were just a little timid. I had a good time. I thought I would have spent a lot more money on rides, food, bingo and games.

After we had enough of the singing we played a game of bingo. Lucky for us we got on the last game of the night. $50 prize for the bottom row. I thought, 'there is no way I'm going to win this.' The caller said "someone is going to win this I just feel it" which is ironic because there is always a winner in bingo. Anyway I said "its gonna me be." Well we played and my friends would be like "boo ya" when they got a number. Suddenly I got four of the five numbers called. The caller says "G 50." I said "I would have wet myself if he called G 60 haha." Then he says "G 60." I thought, oh my goodness I just won $50. I screamed "BINGO!" It was a good bingo and they handed me a 50 dollar bill.

So needless to say my first game of bingo in the season and the last game of the night proved to be a good one. I have $50. I needed that $50. Good stuff. :) I'm so blessed.

Until next time...

Transplant

That is exactly what it was. A transplant. I was transplanted from the Eastern Shore, from my boring jobless life, from my lack of local friends and lack of funds to visit my college ones, from fights with my parents, from meaningless tasks. I was taken from bleak and put into beautiful. I quickly made friends and connections with a holy community of Sisters and supporting staff. I ate blueberries every morning with my breakfast, had 24/7 access to a chapel and experienced exhaustion that feels both good yet allows you to collapse in bed at 10:30pm. Life was simple. My biggest worry was if my shirt looked too wrinkled and what time my next interview was. I watched "The Closer" with a Sister, I was invited to join an intimate community for organized prayer, I spontaneously asked their equivalent of "Mother Superior" if I could join her as she took the infirmary dog out for his final walk. I captured a piece of my old confident self where I sat down at a table full of strangers and left the table with new friends.

I know that I will never have an interview like this again in my life. Any interview I must undergo will always fall short of this experience. It felt like a retreat, a tad bit like sorority recruitment, like an interview and also like a vacation. I learned more things about myself, my strengths and my weaknesses than most people learn about themselves in a year.

Needless to say I'm back and I'm trying really hard to hold close the memories and the feelings that being up in Philly has allowed me to have. It was so peaceful. I really miss the Sisters and staff already. Everyone was genuinely friendly and eager to know my story. They laughed at my jokes and shared a few of their own. The connections I made were abundant. I know deep down in my soul that I have chosen to apply for the right program. I also have full confidence that I will be accepted. The most difficult task at hand is figuring out which placement site I will pref first. I have over a million things to consider.

That is what I'm doing right now. Trying to discern where to go. A lot of little things are pointing me into a concrete direction but I still have some doubt.

DISCLAIMER: RELIGION. You know how I am. ;-)

As you may or may not know, I have felt incredibly called to apply to this program. That calling was completely validated at my interview with RMC. I love the people I'd be working with, the Sisters I'd be living with (alongside two or three other volunteers who have applied/are applying). I traveled to four placement sites where I learned about each organization and what each position entails. I've witnessed little miracles and signs. One fun thing that happened was I was sitting in the chapel trying to write out pros and cons about the different sites. It was getting dark and I really needed some light. I padded around the chapel barefoot asking God to show me where the light was. I couldn't find it so I sat back down and said "ok, on your terms, but could you put the light on?" Suddenly the lights came on. It was one of the Sisters coming in to set up for mass. She didn't even know I was in there! So she taught me how to turn the lights on and off. haha It was a great moment.

I'm not going to elaborate in full detail but I will say this. I think I am being called to the most difficult and challenging placement site positions. If I am accepted to the program and if I chose this particular site, I'd have the opportunity to really make some change. Its a new position that could revolutionize certain aspects of the placement site. I could impact a lot of people in a very positive way. Additionally, this position allows me to experience maximum creativity and liberty. It is also the place I feel I am needed the most. I'm still asking God where he wants me. I trusted Him this far and I see how perfect this program is for me in my life right now. I have no doubts about that. I just need Him to point me into the direction again or perhaps give me some subtle reassuring hints as to what placement site He has in mind for me. I will tell you again, I really connected with the Sisters. I'm not considering entering a holy and religious life or formation. But I did find their friendship and presence refreshing and I am longing for it as I sit here.

So I still have time to figure things out. I think I did splendid on all my interviews. I find out in a week to a week and a half the final decision. Fingers crossed and hopes high.

Tonight I might go to the carnival with Clay and Beth. This is a great way to relive my childhood and perhaps go on a ride on the Black Spider and play a few games of Bingo. I'm going to try to get up for First Friday mass/Adoration tomorrow at church. I could use some more prayer and reflection time. I'm not at a complete loss but I still have doubts about placement.

I promise I'll be much more specific when the time comes. I'm being ambiguous because anything can happen.

I also applied for a job at Pizza Hut today. I hope they hire me, overqualified or not.

Until next time....

Go Greyhound and Leave the Driving to Us...if Your Bus Exists

UPDATES! Much sooner than you think. I'm writing you from beautiful Huntingdon Valley, PA. I am at the headquarters of the Sisters of the Holy Redeemer. It is an absolute beautiful place with fields and a chapel and a library and wonderful people. I'm lucky to be here though. Why? Well....

Yesterday I woke up at 8am. My bus was scheduled to leave the station at 9:50am. I arrived with my parents around 9:15am or so. I waited and waited and then suddenly a Greyhound blew past the stop! I thought for sure that the bus was mine so I went inside to ask the attendant. She said the bus would stop and that was another bus. By 10:10am, the bus really did come. I almost voided my ticket by tearing it off for the bus driver. He stopped me just in time before I tore it off. Whew! I boarded the bus and picked two seats to myself in the middle. The bus driver was really friendly, telling jokes and helping me out.

I was really nervous about my change over in Wilmington. I was worried I'd miss my bus because the current bus was running late, or I'd board the wrong bus and end up in TN or NY or something. Once we got to Dover we picked up a TON of people. Earlier we had made stops at T's Corner, UMES, Salisbury, and Laurel, DE. I moved my stuff out of my wonderful second seat and a nice lady sat next to me. Her name was Bette and she was an artist and a computer whiz. She loved art that heals, and she worked at a small gallery. She also used to work for companies like Microsoft. Her first husband died in a car accident. Her second husband's mother had Alzheimer's. So she and her husband, Ed, were caring for his mother. She majored in art history when she was in college. She was on her way to visit her sisters in NJ. We had a great conversation. She gave me her card and I'm supposed to call her when I find out what goes on with RMC.

When we reached Wilmington we were past my layover. My bus was supposed to leave for Philly at 3:55, it was 4pm. I was so nervous but she assured me everything would be ok. I said goodbye, got off the bus, got my luggage and suddenly the bus driver got swamped. Everyone wanted to know where he was headed, people were throwing tickets at him. I just waited patiently and finally got the chance to ask him about the Philly bus. "Its late" he said. Ok. cool.

There was a perfectly good reason why I was so worried about the changeover. There were four Greyhound buses parked outside the station. I had to go to each one and try to find out where they were headed. But a million other people were trying to do the same thing. Finally I found a guy who was just trying to get home to Philly. I became instant buddies with him and sort of relied on him to find out what was going on. Well..the four buses left. One to Baltimore, one to DC and two to NY. So I went inside to ask the ticket counter where the Philly bus was. "Its late" they said. Ok. cool.

I went to the restroom and returned to wait for the bus. Finally around 4:20 or so, the Philly bus arrived. The attendant outside said we all had to go in to the ticket counter and get a green sticker put on our ticket. What? But my ticket says Philly...this is the 3:55pm bus....

I started freaking out. I went in to get my sticker with my new friend Safyia. A really nice girl a little older than me who was trying to head home to Philly too. We got the weird stickers, returned to board the bus and the driver started calling out numbers. There were three seats on this bus to Philly. There were about 18 trying to go to Philly. What on earth?

I was number 12, Safyia was 13...we weren't getting on this bus. This sticker thing was out of the blue and I was starting to panic. I didn't miss my bus, but my bus didn't exist. It sort of did but only had THREE seats. What on earth? Ok. Not cool.

Safyia and I waited outside and shared our life story. The Philly people were irate. I mean cursing, screaming, yelling, pacing, complaining. It was quite the show. My friend and I sat there quietly. I found out that she worked for City Year, a volunteer org for a year. She was from Philly and she was one of eleven kids. She was the last girl in her family to get married. It was an arranged marriage. She was Muslim and she told me all about how she was introduced to her future husband. It was love at first sight! He was very respectful of her and they kind of had a high school like romance. They were both new at the relationship thing and respected each other for it. It was incredible. I learned all about her. We bonded over our situation. Then we found out that the 5:40 bus could take a few more people but the majority of us would be leaving the station at 7:30. WHAT? I had called Leah, the volunteer who was picking me up in Philly at 4:30 so she knew to stay home until I called her. I was so frustrated. How can a bus just not exist?

Safyia and I split some Oreo cakesters and crackers on me. We talked about music and turns out she was a radio dj in college too. She loves jazz and she and her friend had a punk show. The Philly people were now cursing out the workers at Greyhound. Leah was getting ready to drive down to DE to pick me up. Safyia went to Amtrack and they were going to charge her $42 to get to Philly. Greyhound wouldn't refund tickets. It was a really crappy situation. Then, there was a gas leak on the street so firetrucks from everywhere came in. Talk about adventure.

Finally the 5:40 bus came at like 6:10pm. I went out there claiming optimism. I got in line as the driver checked the numbers but then Safyia waved me over to her. They weren't checking the numbers, he was taking the first eight people in line! So I got behind her and handed him my ticket. I think it was then he realized they were numbers. So he goes 10, 11, 12...ok thats it. I was lucky 12 and Safyia was 13. She literally got me on that bus. But she needed to get home too! I gave her a hug, thanked her and got on the bus. The only seats available were all the way in the back. I went back there and had to sit by an unfriendly Hispanic guy and a bunch of punky teenagers who talked about everything from Fat Joe to club dancing to sex to if you were dying on an airplane. It was so annoying. The seat was small, the bus was hot and I was annoyed. AND THERE WERE TWO EMPTY SEATS. I should have gotten up and told the bus driver but I didn't want to interfere since he literally yelled at the people trying to get on the bus. So, Safyia was left behind and she was crying. I felt horrible. There was nothing I could do. I was all the way in the back and maybe we were at capacity and I didn't know. So I got ripped away from my friend, miraculously got put on a bus and had an awkward and awful ride to Philly.

When I got to the bus station Leah wasn't there. I was early. So I wandered around and then waited outside. I did the whole press your backpack against the wall so no one can steak your crap thing. I was asked for cigs, $20, and a light by various shady characters. I just wanted to be with someone who knew the city so I could get a hot meal and the hell out of this part of town. It was so sketch.

Finally Leah met me at the corner and we walked to the subway. I got to go by city hall which was beautiful. When I said so, Leah thought I meant the subway. haha No, I meant the buildings outside. The subway ride was lengthy but I got to ask her a lot about her volunteer experience with RMC. We arrived at the stop, got in her car, and drove to her community house. I was greeted by two Sisters who gave me a delicious meal. I talked their ear off for sure. I was so excited to be there, nervous to be with people I didn't know, determined to impress them, and hungry and tired. So I talked a mile a minute. When I finished my ice cream Leah drove me to the headquarters of the Sisters of the Holy Redeemer. I arrived at 10:10pm, kind of late, and met some Sisters. They were so nice and welcoming.

The put me up in a nice little room with my own bathroom and shower. I couldn't even write about the day I was so exhausted so I just showered and passed out. It was a long day with lots of traveling and my nerves were shot to pieces.

-------------------------Day 1--------------------------

I awoke at around 7:45 and laid in bed until 8am. Then I got up, got dressed really professional style and wandered around to find breakfast. I found the dining hall with no trouble at all and ate a delicious meal by myself until Sr. Ellen came in. After breakfast I met Eileen, the director of RMC. We talked for a bit, she gave me a tour of the headquarters and then I had a two hour interview with her. I think it went well. I certainly enjoyed it. Then she took me on a tour of the Health Care System and I got to see all the Holy Redeemer buildings from the hospital to the nursing homes. After that I got a short break and then had my panel interview.

As I was leaving to go to my interview I walked down the hall with a confident swagger. Suddenly the fire alarm went off. I calmly evacuated the building. Apparently there was something left on a stove on the third floor and it set off the smoke detector. So the fire dept came (I'm seeing a lot of them lately) and took care of things. Then I waited in the lobby until I was called for my interview.

The panel/screening committee interview went really well. I really enjoyed talking to the director of Project Rainbow and the Sister. They were really open,friendly and made the atmosphere relaxing. By the end of the interview I had my feet on the couch. haha

After the interview I went to dinner. First I changed out of my formal clothes and put on a little skirt and a t shirt. Ahh, comfort. Anyway I had a delicious dinner with a bunch of the Sisters. I literally just walked up to them and asked if I could sit down and join them. They've been commending me on my openness and outgoing nature. "She's not shy" they say. I love them already. Its funny because I've only known them for a day but they are just so wonderful. One of them googled me because she didn't know how to spell my last name. She found all the things I do such as when I worked at the Rec and was really impressed. I said "I hope RMC accepts me." She replied, "Accepts you? They're probably going to want to keep you!" That meant a lot to me.

A spunky Sister told me that I have her vote even though she has no bearing on the decision. One of the main sisters jokes with me now. Its so comfortable here and I really feel like I belong. No, I'm not going into Formation to become a sister in a religious community, but this is def. the program for me. I feel certain things will turn out well and I've already won over the Sisters even if they don't get to decide if I am accepted.

Yes, I will be crushed if I'm not accepted. There are other things I can do, I know, but everything is just so perfect here. I felt the same way I felt during Phi Mu recruitment. Everyone was saying "we really think you'd be a great addition to our sorority. You will enjoy it." and I kept thinking "yeah, but you have to accept me first."

Tomorrow I visit two of the sites and then I have an interview with the psychologist. I'm sure everything will be fine. If I'm accepted the hardest part is going to be figuring out which placement site I like the most. haha. I am looking forward to the next two days. However, I have to leave at 7:45am tomorrow. I think I might actually try to get up for the 6:45am mass! We'll see.

Thats about all I have update wise. I'm in their beautiful library right now. I think I've said beautiful and thank you a million times here. We'll see what happens in the coming days.

Until next time.....

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...

If you've been following along you've read all about my not so adventurous and depressing life post college. You've heard me cry about being lonely and depressed about my not so certain future. You heard me bitch about how the VA Employment Commission discriminated me because I'm educated and how I've been broke, poor, and unusually pessimistic. But, you have also been with me during the official countdown to my RMC interview. That's right the four day, three night adventure in Philadelphia, PA.

Official countdown? I leave tomorrow. :D

Assuming I don't get mugged or killed in Wilmington, DE or kidnapped in Philly, you will be able to go on this adventure and yes, it is an adventure with me. My internet access will be limited but I'll be writing down every interesting thing that happens to me in a physical journal. Upon my return I'll transcribe these accounts into blog format so you can read all about it. That means entries post July 1st will be recaps of my interview. I'm stoaked.

I'm also nervous. This is it. This is a shot at the real world. This is my calling. This is my ticket out of here. I've never been on a cross state journey by myself. I've never been to big cities by myself. I've never been on a Greyhound. (Yes I'm sheltered. The first time I flew was in March of 2008....I'm 22 in August). I just got to do my best and impress them with my charming personality. Yeah. Right.

Yesterday I went flounder fishing again. I caught 9 croaker and 4 flounder. None were keepers. My dad caught the motherload of the day. A 21 inch flounder! Keeps for sure. We caught around 62 fish between the four of us. It was a good time. Then I went to visit my friend Emily who recently beat cancer. She is doing well but she still has a long way to go. I hope her health continues to improve. So yesterday was an interesting day.

Today I got up, did laundry, did chores and packed for PHILLY! It took me almost two hours. I went through professional outfits, casual outfits, sleeping outfits, bus outfits. You get the picture. I think I finally have everything in order. Now I just wait and then I venture off to my interview! I'm currently waiting to eat some lunch and then I have to get ready for church. Mass is at the same time as I depart tomorrow so I have to drive down south to the base of the Shore to catch the 5pm Sat mass in Cape Charles.

I'll have more profound stuff later and updates on the interview!

RIP MICHAEL JACKSON 1958-2009.

Until next time..

Full of Thoughts

I'm full of thoughts and I can't sort through them right now. Will update soon.

I'm Beggin

Never in my life did I think I would e-mail my life story to a perfect stranger and desperately, like my children are starving and I can count their bones desperately, ask for employment.

Don't worry. I did not say my children were starving and I can count their bones. I don't have any children and that would be lying. Just like it would be lying to not tell an employer that I have a college education. Don't get me started on that sore subject.

Really, though. After drinking a tequila sunrise for courage I e-mailed the editor of the only other local newspaper on the Eastern Shore and the head DJ for the local radio station. These are two places I KNOW are not hiring, and can't AFFORD any new employees. Not even for a few weeks. I applied anyway. I sent them e-mails with my I need money to pay off textbook bills/I have tons of experience/I'm overqualified for every job on the Shore and no one will hire me because I'm educated sob story. I poured my heart out, attached my resume and now I sit and wait for rejection. Its funny, I'm terrified of rejection. I realized that is the key reason I can't just march up into a business and request a job. I'm scared they will reject me right to my face. Apparently I have problems with rejection. Perhaps because I'm not rejected all too often. I should work on that psychological problem of mine.

Today was like any other day. I woke up at 10, went outside to do some mindless task for my parents in the yard. This was weeding the driveway again. I hate yard work so much. I don't mind being outside, but I hate yard work. I have several things to look forward to though. 1) the Wachapreague carnival opens soon. This means I get to go and play bingo all night for .25 a card and hopefully win the mother load. 2) my neighbor wants to take me and the fam fishing again. This time we shouldn't be pretending we love each other, we should actually love each other. Please don't rain Friday. I love fishing. 3) O.M.G. 5 almost 4 days until my RMC INTERVIEW.

My itinerary is insane for that interview process. First of all, I'll be taking a 9am Greyhound to Philly on Sunday and arriving that evening. A volunteer is going to pick me up and we'll go to her community house. I'll get to see what their community living is all about. Monday morning I'll be driven to the convent where I'll meet a bunch of Sisters and be given a room for the next few days. I have pretty much at least 2-3 interviews a day on Mon, Tue and Wed. I'm getting to tour my placement sites and everything. Its so intense. I'm really excited though.

Tomorrow I might just wash my car. She needs it badly. We'll see how motivated I'll be. In other good news, I've been published on associated content.com. You can check it out at:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1869479/celebrate_july_4th_with_old_fashioned.html?cat=8

Hopefully they will publish more articles of mine in the future. I wrote a really good one on 10 ways to have inexpensive fun in the summer. It is like magazine worthy. They better pay me for that one, I gave them exclusive rights.

Anyway I'm out to find out what trouble I can get myself into.

Until next time....

I must hide my education under my bed

Last night I laid in bed and looked over job openings on the Shore via the Employment Commission website. I was really excited to find a temporary position as a vineyard laborer a few towns down from mine. It was $7 an hour and it was only for a month and a half. This was the exact kind of employment I needed! I knew it would be rough on the hands and a lot of work, but it was a job and it was money. I filled out the required information and then the site told me to 'consult my local employment commission for more information.' I'm like...uh...fine.

So I woke up relatively late, and drove to said employment commission. I had already registered online so I just had to sit and wait to speak to a representative. I waited for an hour and half, wishing I had brought a book. Finally they called me in. "What can I do for you today?" She asked me with a big smile. "I'm applying for the vineyard laborer position. Your website told me to come here and allow you to review my qualifications." I could tell by the look on her face something was wrong. "Um." She said. "The job is filled isn't it?" I asked. "No, its just the employer is looking for non-local employees." "Oh, Hispanic individuals, I see," I said. "No, not exactly, just not local people. The gentleman before you was Hispanic and we can't hire him because he is local."

I didn't understand. The stupid website said only locals apply. At least that is what I thought. I explained my situation to her. That I'm a recent college graduate with a diverse experience and I really need a job to pursue my goals. I told her how I plan on volunteering in August in Philly pending acceptance into the program. I told her I had bills to pay, loans to pay back, and I needed a job to survive just as a mother needs a job to feed her children. I told her I had applied for 13 positions and only got interviewed for one. I told her I recognize the fact I'm over qualified on so many levels but that is discrimination to deny me a job because I have an education. She sympathized with me. Asked me how her daughter could get more scholarships.

Then she told me I was shit out of luck. I'm a college graduate and fast food, hotels, and farms are not going to hire me. The damn chicken factories won't even consider me! She said I was doing everything I can to get a job. I should follow up at some places. Oh, yeah, and I should conceal the fact I have a college education. Yes, borderline lie. She was trying to be helpful but she straight up told me to "not flaunt my education." To not provide these small jobs with my resume. To keep it to myself as best as possible. She was sorry she couldn't help me anymore and wished me luck.

Then she congratulated me on graduating college. I laughed.





I can flip burgers, debone chickens, cut back vines, answer phones, clean hotel rooms. Do these businesses think they are doing me a FAVOR but not hiring me for their crappy jobs? I'm better than that? Um no, a job is a job as long as it pays. I can't believe it. I'm being discriminated against because of my EDUCATION. I went to college and the world expects me to have this great job with great pay and not a care in the world. I'm so angry. I'm constantly being denied employment because I am TOO QUALIFIED. Because I am EDUCATED. What?

I came home feeling depressed and defeated. My interview with RMC is in SIX days. After that I have approx a month and a half to get a job. Yeah, who is going to hire me for that small amount of time? Its not worth it to most employers.

On the bright side, I got a letter from RMC today. It was a detailed description of my interview process this coming week. I'm super excited and a little bit nervous. The director did say in the letter that one person already interviewed, one person was awaiting their placement location, one person has an interview in mid July and of course I have an interview this coming week. "If all goes well, as I think and hope it will, we will have four volunteers for this year." This was the best news ever. As long as I do my best at this interview I've secured a Philly position!

I'm going to be picked up by a current volunteer and take the subway to her community house. I'll eat dinner and spend the night there. Then in the morning I'll be driven to the headquarters where I'll be staying for the remainder of the interview process. I'll be fed, have a nice bed to sleep in, be orientated to the Sisters and volunteers and have an adventure pretty much. I'm super excited and can't wait. SIX DAYS. OMG.

So today was a good/bad day. I hear thunder in the distance and I am quite pleased.

Until next time...

The Misadventures of MA Cont...

Today was going to be a perfect beach day. Mind you, I had a wonderful time with my best friend, Beth. I really did. However, today was supposed to be a perfect beach day. It was predicted (a few days ago0 to be 90 degrees and sunny all day.

Weather Fail.

It was overcast when we arrived on the island. I didn't mind all that much. We parked our beach chairs on the sand and set up our huge umbrella like a tent instead of up all the way. After eating our subway sandwiches, Beth kind of passed out in a nap coma in the sand. I decided to check the water out. It was cold at first but then I got used to it and it felt great! (thats what she said). Anyway, the water has finally warmed up! So I jumped some waves and then came back to sit. Suddenly I heard thunder. Thinking that I had limited time to play in the water, I grabbed my board and caught a few waves. Yeah, boogie board. I'm not cool enough to surf yet. Anyway the waves were HUGE! It was kind of do or die. I got sucked under and thrown around a few times but I never panic when that happens. I know I'll always resurface if I just remain calm. I caught a few really good waves and then decided to retire for a bit.

In came the black clouds of death. Everyone started leaving because thunder was in the distance and the clouds were almost BLACK. We packed up our stuff and almost got everything in the car when the heavens opened and it poured down rain.

Perfect beach day. We were there about an hour and a half at the most.

We went and got some ice cream and by the time we were finished the sun was out and the sky was pretty blue. Yeah...but we left and went home since it didn't make sense to unpack all the stuff and set up on the beach again.

And that was that. I'm home now and really tired and kind of feeling ill so I'll maybe elaborate more on tomorrow....fathers day...


until next time...

The Misadventures of MA

Today was kind of eventful. Actually last night, my dreams were eventful. I had two dreams that I remember. The first one consisted of me getting a huge gash on my left shoulder down to my hip. Apparently I fell and this was the result. My dad had to stitch my side up with fishing wire. Then three days later the stitches were supposed to come out. My mom was supposed to take them out but she didn't know about the injury since I didn't tell her. My dad stitched the word REACH over my wound. It was really bizarre. I guess I thought I was getting a tattoo or something. I think my mom eventually pulled the stitches out.

My second dream was even more bizarre. I was at work, working out with my boss and the professional staff from the Rec Center. Although, the Rec didn't look like the Rec. I was in a white room with two televisions. There were five treadmills and all of professional staff was on them. I really wanted to join them so I did. For some reason I kept falling, on my bottom, on my side, into the back wall. Eventually I gave up the treadmill. This is funny because I don't mind running a mile on them every so often. After the treadmill fiasco it was time for lunch. Now, during Rec staff training we usually have a big lunch. We also have cookouts at Homecoming and at the end of the year. Well for some odd reason the Rec was hosting this banquet buffet ritzy lunch. There were crabs and lobster and fish and all kinds of stuff. I remember getting my crabs and this guy was like "do you want some sauce and fish sticks? you can have six of them" I really didn't want them but I felt sorry for the guy so I said yes. The sauce spilt over my plate and I had to get another one to put under it. I really wanted lobster. So I searched for the lobster line. Then someone said my good friend Jamar was at the luncheon. I said "the only thing that could stop me from eating right now is Jamar." So I went to find him and embraced him for like three minutes. I returned to the lobster line to find all these seasonings and sauces and shot glasses. What you did was make your own recipe for a sauce and then dip your lobster in the shotglass containing your sauce. Elaborate...I know. Anyway, so I just wanted butter and oil. I put this ball of butter into this container that turned like neon green and made my hands glow. I thought it was some sort of chemical but it was really just a trippy mixing container. I was just about to take a bite of my lobster when I woke up.

I'm not sure if I woke up before or after someone knocked on my bedroom door and I said "Go away I set an alarm" and went back to sleep. Anyway they were two very detailed and weird dreams. I'm pretty sure the Rec Center one is because I really miss the rec and the lobster was because my friend is applying to a Red Lobster in Richmond and that is all she talks about. haha I'm pretty sure that is the case.

Anyway the REAL day consisted of me cleaning the bathroom and then uploading some pictures to purchase at CVS. Then I met up with my friend Beth. We visited her friend at a hair store and then went off to the dry cleaners to see if my huge coat could be cleaned for less than $10. I was getting out of the car and Beth asked if I wanted her to come with me. I said no and grabbed my wallet. I got out of the car and she did too so I locked the car. I went inside and found out they could dry clean the coat for $10.50, that was good enough for me. As soon as I walked out of the cleaners I realized something horrible.

I locked my keys in my car. They were in the ignition.

I took my wallet off them because I thought Beth was sitting in the car. Then I forgot about them when I locked the door. Thankfully I had .50 and called my mom from a payphone to get her to drive down with the spare key and unlock my car. So Beth and I sat at this sketchy picnic table off the highway and waited for my mom to rescue me.



This happened to me very recently. The night of the candlelight ceremony at W&M, I had just returned from having a nice dinner with my parents. My stuff was in my apartment and I just had to get ready and drive to the ceremony. Low and behold my car was acting up. As soon as I got to the Ludwell parking lot, I checked my oil. It looked a little low. So I kept slamming my hood until it finally shut. I didn't know why it was being so stubborn. Or why I was so stupid.

That time I locked my keys in my car...underneath the hood. That is why it wasn't closing. And for some reason I locked the car so I had no way of getting in. Smart, I know. My cell phone and keys and wallet were stuck under the hood of a locked car. I called my parents freaking out because the ceremony was in a half hour. They told me to call campus poe. Campus poe came, calmed me down because I was hysterically crying and it took them about a 20 min to break into my car to unlock it. They did (and let me hold the flashlight) and congratulated me and let me rush to the ceremony being only 5 min late.

So my parents weren't exactly thrilled that I locked my keys in my car..again. I mean after all two days ago I lost $50 in the freaking parking lot. I'm losing my mind.

Beth decided that I should get a spare key and keep it somewhere safe. So we went to a hardware store and got a key made. I kind of want to wear it as a necklace or something so I won't lose it. haha

After that adventure we went on another. Sketch factor = 7. We had to deliver a small gift for Walter, the guy who found my $50 and actually called me about it. The catch was, I didn't want to be seen. I wanted him to discover it as a surprise. So we kind of did a drive by as Beth quickly placed the gift in his mailbox. I hope he gets it. Its a little cross statue that says "peace" and a thank you card. We sped off as if we had did something wrong, got some ice cream, looked at over priced movies, drove through my old town and then went off our separate ways.

I'm staying over her house tonight and then we're headed to the Beach tomorrow. I'm excited because the entry to the beach is FREE this weekend, courtesy of National State Parks. So, free beach day, heat index of 105, yes sir. No holding back for me, I'll be in the water for the majority fo the day. I can't wait. This should be a good time.

On the job front I've applied at the following places and here are the status for each job. Just in in case you were wondering:

1. Eastern Shore News - they are well staffed, will call and pay me if something comes up, prolly won't
2. Food Lion (bagger) - I applied like May 29th...they never called. Pretty sure I'm over qualified
3. Fresh Pride (cashier or stock person) - Nothing yet
4. Data Entry for Appraisals - Interviewed and rocked it, told I'm awesome but she needs someone more permanent, said she'd call in two weeks...its been three
5. Shuckers (waitress) - left my number, they never called, thats ok
6. Sunrise (waitress) - left my number, they were interested, haven't called yet
7. Seaside Family Restaurant (waitress) - yeah..this was the spot interview place, told you she wouldn't call me
8. YMCA (fitness instructor) -they aren't even hiring...doubtful
9. VA ABC store (sales associate) - dream job...my application is still under review...ok its been two weeks
10. Hardees (some sort of shift job) - haven't contacted me yet, applied recently
11. Dental receptionist - don't know where this place is, applied, will accepted interview if actually on Eastern Shore (oh Craigslist!)
12. Head Start (bus monitor) - this would be tight, applied last night
13. Hampton Inn & Suites (front desk/housekeeping/hostess) - haven't heard from them yet, pretty sure I'm over qualified

So thats the status. No one is really taking my bait because its so large and William and Maryish and yeah. Hopefully someone will come through. We'll see.

Other than that nothing has been going on. My parents and I seem to be doing all right. SURPRISES! My best friend is in town for the weekend and I'm spending quality time with her. Father's day is coming up. And...oh yes.. NINE DAYS UNTIL MY RMC INTERVIEW!

I'm happy. Hope it lasts.

Until next time....

My faith has been restored in humanity

My faith has been restored in humanity. Honestly, how many people would return a lost wallet? I didn't lose my wallet today but an interesting situation happened.

I woke up around 12:30pm, the usual time for me to wake up with the hopes the day will be quick and painless. Ate some breakfast, applied for a job that doesn't exist with the YMCA and then went out to run errands.

First I went to the bank to cash a $75 check. Then I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things for the house. After that I went to the corner store to pick up the paper and the post office to mail a few letters. I returned home with my bunch of groceries. I was kind of paranoid because my parents specifically requested that I check the eggs to make sure none were cracked. Well, when I checked, none were. Then I put them in my basket and somewhere during my journeys I cracked one of the eggs. I didn't notice until I was already in the checkout line. I really didn't want to run across the store to get another carton because I KNEW that I broke that egg somehow. Its one thing to discover a cracked egg in the dairy aisle. It is another to discover a cracked egg in the checkout line after you examined said eggs in the dairy aisle. I figured my parents would be pissed about the one egg but I wasn't going back to get another carton.

Anyway I walked inside my house and shoved the groceries down in a heap. They were heavy and I didn't want to make two trips out to the car. I sorted through the groceries and then went to my wallet to gather the change from the bank. The check was my room deposit from school so the money was really my mother's. Well my heart dropped down to my feet when I realized I didn't have the money envelope. I checked my wallet, the bags, the car, and then with dread, announced I must have left the envelope at the grocery store. There was $51 in that envelope. Holy shit. So I kind of freaked out a lot and drove back to the store. I asked the cashier if she saw a Sun Trust bank envelope left at the counter. She said no. The customer service guy said no. I drove home in tears, angry at myself for my carelessness and stupidity. I've had a lot on my mind lately. My head was apparently up in the clouds. I returned home again and my parents tried to calm me down. I ate dinner without speaking. I had called the store and left my name and number with customer service. Sadly when I did this I was still not done crying so I basically yelled at the customer service guy in incomprehensible and high pitched run on sentences. When I cashed the check something told me to put my debit card back into my wallet instead of leaving it in the envelope like I usually do. I suppose I should have been thankful for that.

I began to cope with the situation towards the end of dinner. My dad said maybe someone who needed the money more than we did found it. Bitter, I said some drug addict was celebrating his big score. As I went to the stove to get more snowpeas, the phone rang. I was annoyed at this too because I figured it was our neighbors or my friend and I didn't feel like talking to anyone. "Hello, is Ms. Rodabaugh there?" I thought "OMG ITS A JOB OFFER" But of course, why in the world would a job be calling me at 5:30pm. "Did you leave a small envelope in the parking lot in Exmore today?" I couldn't believe it. "Yes, OMG yes I did. It had $50 in it and a receipt." He told me that he found it and I could pick it up at his house which wasn't to far from my own.

I was elated. A kind soul was returning the money! I thought it was karma at its best. See, few months ago a woman left her wallet at the cash register counter in Dollar Tree. I recognized the foreign object and asked the cashier if it was a wallet. Her eyes got wide and she looked around as if she didn't know what to do. I was already out the door with the wallet chasing after the owner before she left the parking lot. I found her, gave it to her, and just went about my business. I think I held the door for 3 min for a little old lady at the post office on this day too. Anyway I thought it was karma. I couldn't believe this guy actually looked on the receipt and then looked us up in the phone book and called to return the money. What a blessing.

The story gets more interesting. I pulled up at his house and this nice and football player like guy answered the door. He told me I had one heck of a last name. He handed me my envelope and I told him that honest people are hard to come by these days. I searched for $10 to give him but he stopped me and told me that the next time I go to church I should put that $10 in the collection basket. I thanked him again and asked his name. Walter, he said. Then he went back inside to rejoin his family. I took down the address so I could send him a little something to thank him. That was so nice of him. One thing I remember that as I drove to his house I saw sunbeams, the ones I correlate with God.

Walter was a very honest man. I really appreciate him going all the way to call my house and track me down. The funny thing is, just as I put my debit card into my wallet at the bank...I put my shopping list into the bank envelope. It is a good thing too because the receipt didn't have my name on it. Usually when you use an MVP card, your name is at the bottom of the receipt. There would have been no way for Walter to track me down if it wasn't for the fact that the stationary that the shopping list was written on has my parents full names at the top. I put that list in the envelope and that was the only clue that Walter had as to who the money belonged to.

Thank you Walter.

Until next time....

I need to find the road less traveled

I've been down this road many times and I know exactly where it leads.....

I'm a creature of habit and a creature of comfort. Like how my dog sidles up beside me knowing that I will inevitably scratch his ass for him. He knows that if he stands there long enough, I'll buckle down and give him exactly what he wants. Then he looks at me with his aging furry face and such joy in his eyes. After all, his ass isn't a spot he can reach too well.

Creature of habit. Creature of comfort. I know what this road leads to. It isn't a big mystery. But the beauty of the scenery is what gets me. I look around and feel a sense of adventure and joy even though I've been down this way before. I feel beautiful, like myself and incredibly secure down this road. Its a dead end, though. By the time I reach the end, I'm so incredibly content. Then a storm arises and I have to tread through the muddy street cold and alone. I'm always traveling back the way I came alone. The scenery fades into memory and I just focus on getting back on track.

I suppose I'm just going in circles if I keep coming into contact with this road. My heart beats excitedly and my breath just catches in my throat. I stand and pause at the road's beginning. Then I take a few steps onto the road to see if I still get the same feeling. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. If I'm really not certain, I walk a few feet onto the road. I stand and wait and look around at the magic around me. Then I turn around and walk back out to the main way. I stand at the entrance again, waiting to see if the road beckons me back. That road is addicting and always leads to trouble but I just love going down it.

Right now that road is not beckoning me and that is for the better. I still can't help standing there, rooted to my spot waiting for the road to call me back.

I need to keep walking and never look back. But where does one find the strength to do such a thing?

Until next time...

Life is full of could have beens

I started today with a more optimistic attitude. I woke up and created a project to bide my time. I decided to fix my bike so I can at least ride it around for exercise/something to do. The poor thing needs a major cleaning job, air in the tires and a new pedal for the right side. My dad said he is going to junk it if I don't fix it soon. So I drove out to Roses to try to find a new pedal but did not have much luck. I drove down to Eastville just for fun and drove over a turtle on the highway. I drove OVER him I didn't run over him. There is a difference. I couldn't stop thinking about that turtle and ended up turning around from Eastville to try to see if the little guy was still trying to make it across the road. If he was I was going to pull over and help him across the road. Rt 13 is a very busy highway. Unfortunately, I couldn't find him. I think he either made it or was another roadway causality. I then made another U-turn and drove back home for a snack. Then I tried the north Roses and couldn't find a stupid bike pedal. I drove back home.

I did however make someone's day today. He doesn't ask for much and seemed really upset. I was home twice and both times he looked at me with those longing brown eyes of his. So I took my dog out for a one hour car ride, windows down. He loved it! I think I made his day. He kind of made my day too. I loved seeing his head out the window in my side view mirror. We drove on the back roads of the Shore. At one point we drove down this road that was really scenic but a dead end. He had a good time, I had a good time and now I have motivation to clean out my car. He sheds...alot. I have a furry backseat now but I really don't mind.

Today was a day of hope. I turned in my Fresh Pride application and ran into an old friend. She didn't have much time to talk to me but it was really nice to see her. The lady who took my application seemed pretty happy to see me. Win win situation. I also told the Eastern Shore News that I'd write for them for free if they let me. I made my ammends, I suppose. I told them I didn't want to lose my touch for journalism and will take any assignment no matter how time consuming or crappy. I got a good reply. The editor told me that if something came along he'd surely let me know. He told me they would pay me. He also asked the dates that I'd be here on the Shore. I know nothing will come along. They are really well staffed and I'm sure are suffering from the recession as well. I read somewhere that this is the worst shape the economy has been in both job wise and just economic wise since the Great Depression. So basically this is like a modern day Great Depression. I think I am going to make a waitress portfolio, complete with waitress experience information and my resume and just give it to every freakin restaurant manager on the Shore. And I might just buckle down and apply for a job with Hardees. I'd rather serve up roast beef than debone chickens at Purdue. I'm just saying.

Despite this hopeful outlook I found myself almost breaking down again today. I am, indeed, depressed about my life right now. I got on the whole selling out to corporate journalism thing in my head and realized I made that situation up in my head. I re read the e-mail and the editor simply said they already had a summer freelancer..which yes...if I listened to my mother and e-mailed the News months in advance I would have that freelancing job. I didn't sell out. I don't know why I thought I did. Besides...the large newspaper program was an educational program...it was meant to train me in daily press. I will shit a gold pony if that program offers me a spot at the end of the summer. They cancelled the fellowship because of the economy but they said if they change their mind they will let me know.

Looking back on that situation, I realize how I get when I think I've discovered my life plan. At one point I swore I'd get accepted into Teach for America. So I started talking about what I'd do if I were accepted. I didn't make it to the phone interview. They cut me at prelims. I'm fine with that. I don't think I'd make a good teacher anyway. Then I swore I'd get this Orlando fellowship. I knew I wasn't a minority but I hoped and prayed. I began envisioning my life in Orlando and looking up apartments just to see if I could afford it. Then the Sentinel smacked me in the face by not rejecting me, but cancelling their fellowship program all together. Then I started applying for every small newspaper position I could find on journalismjobs.com. I began envisioning my life in all the places I applied. Then I set my hopes on the DC friars volunteer program. I made plans about DC. Now all I can talk about is Philly. My plans if I get accepted there. It is one thing to be optimistic and dream about the future but it is another to be borderline obsessed with it. First of all I need to realize that A) I have not been accepted by RMC. I have an INTERVIEW. I am not a shoe in. If I was, they wouldn't go through the interview process and just give me a spot right then and there. Anything can go wrong between now and my interview. and B) I need to stop thinking I have it all figured out. Oh I'll volunteer here, move there, start my life there..etc. I mean, I have all the time in the world to envision my future...but I've learned from the past year that no matter how much I plan, my course will run off the map I've prepared.

Life is full of could have beens. I could have been enrolled in graduate school right now. I could have been a cop in Williamsburg. I could have a paycheck by now if I was sticking around for the appraisal position. I could be the summer freelancer for the News if I emailed Ted a lot sooner than I did because I'm a procrastinator. Additionally my friends have a lot of could have beens. One of my friends have changed a lot over the past few years. This person is becoming jaded by daily life and is losing the very things that make that person...a person. Don't get me wrong, they are still nice and friendly and human. But they've lost a part of themselves which I don't know if they will ever find again. Sadly, I really cherished that part of them. But I'm not them.

I'm searching for love in all the wrong places. Like my "Being in Love" post...I won't find love until I stop searching as hard as it may seem. I recycle my own feelings to give me something to hope for. That means I have feelings for the same people over and over again. That is kind of happening right now. Its because I'm lonely and bored and sad and want something to hope for other than my very uncertain future. This is called vulnerability. Vulnerability is bad.

Tomorrow morning I'm being forced to get up at 8am and weed our driveway. I'm stoked. Not. I suppose I should be grateful for something to do. I mean, it beats sitting in bed playing sniper games and waiting for the day to end. I really feel guilty about that..ya know...waiting for the day to end. Each day is a gift and you're supposed to live each day like it is your last. So why do I wake up each morning and count the hours till I can go to bed? That is pathetic.

Part of my interview with RMC is meeting with a psychologist. I really hope they don't identify some earth shattering mental instability which prevents me from getting a position with RMC. I think all this crap is just a test of wit and strength. Sure, my parents still tell me things will never get back to normal. Sure, my one friend already had a job and is on her way to getting a second. Sure my other friend is in freaking LA right now visiting a friend of his and I can't even afford a weekend trip to Williamsburg where a bunch of my friends are. Sure, I just sit and wait and hope I'll be employed before August.

I apologize for all you dedicated readers that feel like they are reading a train wreck of a novel. I'm just really sad right now and I can't snap out of it because I'm finding it hard to find the joy in things. I promise though, if I get a job soon or something, I'll be a much happier person. I'll have something to do, somewhere to go, I can establish some distance from my fam and I'll get a paycheck. See why I need a job so badly? So many things are riding on a job.

12 days. (its 11:14pm almost midnight right?) Hello Greyhound to Philadelphia to.....my future.

Until next time....

I was meant to be a sniper

First off I want to preface this blog by saying two things: 1) I can't count. I said a few entries ago that it was 10 days until my interview with RMC. Um no...its actually 14. As of today. So I can't count and I'm an idiot. 2) Don't call violence hot lines on me after reading this entry. I'm fine.

I've got your attention now. The reason why I think I was meant to be a sniper is because I've been playing sniper games on addicitinggames.com for the past two days and I'm decent at them. I'd love to be a secret agent or a nationally hired assassin. I mean killing people is bad, I'm not sure I'm even going to be able to kill an innocent deer come hunting season. But imagine all the excitement and adventure one secret agent assassin gets to go on. Its just not that fair. Last night I had a dream that I was a sniper. I only own one gun...a .50 cal muzzleloader rifle...I mean really. I can't be a sniper with that, the reloading would be a killer. No pun intended. Do national assassins really exist? Or would I have to be in the military for that?

Granted, I'm lil wheezy and I can't run down the street to save my life. My lungs like to close up in cold weather and I have the worst vision ever. When I went to get my drivers permit, I took the vision test. I stuck my head in the little box without my glasses. The lady told me to read the characters. "P, L....X....W" I said. She looked at me like I had four heads. "They're numbers sweetie." We took it again with my glasses and I saw it was really "8, 7.....3......5." That my friends is how I got a big restricted X on my drivers licence.

Since I've been so depressed lately and enjoy games that kill people, well zombies and stick figures really....I have decided to make a list of the top 10 simple things I love. These are things that are frequently overlooked. They are in no particular order.

1. that really awesome clean feeling I get, dressed, after a long hot shower
2. that really awesome feeling my hair gets after the ocean water dries out of it on a hot day
3. an almost imperceivable breeze that gently glides past me
4. finishing a really good book
5. when my dog comes up to me and rests his head on my lap even when I'm not eating food
6. the feeling of warm wood from the deck, sand, grass, or plush carpet under my bare feet
7. listening to music and doing nothing else but day dreaming
8. making someone laugh, regardless of the situation
9. looking down and the bandanna bracelet on my right wrist and remembering all the things it means (Nicaragua)
10. seeing sunbeams drift from clouds and instantly recognizing it as God

These are just some simple things I love that I often take for granted or just don't share with others enough. Yes, I'm kind of depressed. You'd be too if you were jobless, friendless, had nothing to do, nowhere to go, and your parents weren't acting normal with you because they were pissed at you. Yep. You'd be too. But I'm striving to find the good in things. Tomorrow I'm going to the employment office to request a list of local job openings. Then I might go for a drive or something. Who knows.

Until next time...

Being in Love

This morning/afternoon there was a huge thunderstorm and the sky was incredibly dark. It looked like it should be around 8 or 9pm instead of 11:52am. I loved it. We had a tremendous downpour with a little lightening and thunder. It didn't last though. The sun came out and I spent the day playing sniper assassin games on my computer.

What do I miss most about being in a relationship? That is the question of the day. I think that the thing I miss most was having someone care about me unconditionally. Someone who was always concerned for my well being and who made me feel special as if his life couldn't go on without me in it. I suppose that is me putting myself on a pedestal.

The physicality of a relationship is nice. I enjoyed resting my head on the guy's shoulder or having big protective arms wrapped around me. A kiss here and there was nice too. I spent a lot of my life so far forcing relationships with people I cared about. See, I dated a few guys who were into me way more than I was into them. I broke too many hearts so I swore to myself that I would never date anyone unless I liked them first. That way I wouldn't just try to be with someone because they thought I was cute. I could avoid breaking hearts.

I didn't avoid breaking hearts, I only further damaged my own. I fell hard for guys, so hard that it became almost an obsession. I'd love them and care for them and try to be with them. I made a lot of good friends out of these endeavors but they never went further than that. I've had my share of random drunken hook ups too. The thing is, I tried so hard to be with people I probably wasn't meant to be with in the first place. I've only, truly been in love once. I spent most of college hoping for a wonderful guy to come along. I hated being single and I loathed couples. I felt that public displays of affection were always shoved right under my nose every day throughout my college career. I felt that I would die single.

Disclaimer: Religion again.

Than I suppose I had a talk with God and realized I couldn't bring a guy with me to Philly. I soon began to flesh out the meaning of a soul mate. My good friend sent me this prayer which makes so much sense to me now:

Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But God, to the Christian, says, "No, not until you are satisfied with living for Me and being loved by Me alone and having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.

"I love you my child; and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.

"I want you to stop planning and stop wanting, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan ever existing--one that you cannot even imagine.

"I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you--just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things--keep experiencing that satisfaction in Me, knowing that I AM--keep learning and listening to the things that I tell you.

"You must wait. Do not be anxious. Do not worry. Do not look around at the things others have gained for themselves or that I have given them. Do not look at the things you want. Just keep looking at Me or you will miss what I want to show you.

"And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream of. You see, until you are ready (and even at this minute I desire to have you both ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied with Me and the life that I have prepared for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies our relationship with Me--and this is perfect love.

"And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me and to enjoy the everlasting union of beauty and love.

"I AM GOD. Believe and be satisfied."

St. Anthony

Now, I feel that every time I wish for someone to come along, or watch a romantic movie and wish it was me, or have feelings for one of my old crushes or boyfriends...that I'm taking one giant step backwards. That I'm never going to see what this prayer promises. That I'm too emotionally immature to find someone special to be with. I feel that until I can look at couples and feel overwhelming joy for them, go to weddings without a jealous feeling in the world, and appreciate love for what it is in whatever media it comes in, I will remain single and alone.

Currently I'm not going to find anyone. I also know that I can't go searching. I have to just sit and live my life and someone will "come along." I can't actively pursue them or try to force them into my life. That frustrates me. I want nothing more than to do something about it. All I can do is try to make myself look prettier by attempting to lose weight and actually doing something with my hair.

Perhaps I shouldn't be watching the Notebook and contemplating other aspects of my life. I hate the uncertainty.

Until next time...