Tuesday, August 13, 2013

What Do You Do With Anger?

I am a pretty patient and peaceful person. I'm the person that lets little old ladies cut in line at the grocery store. I hold elevator doors for mothers with strollers. I say "thank you" to my bus driver every morning. When I get angry 7 times out of 10 it is at myself. Sometimes people or circumstances grind my gears but it usually takes a lot for me to reach that point.

But when I do get angry, its a chain reaction that sets me off into a downward spiral. When I get angry I also am anxious. I get mad at inanimate objects for no reason. I throw things. I kick things. When something simple doesn't go my way I lose it. One time I was having a really bad day and an egg fell off my egg shelf in my fridge onto the floor. I cleaned up the mess and somehow knocked the egg shelf again and ALL my eggs fell onto the kitchen floor. I flipped the F out. I cried, I screamed, I jumped up and down. I cried some more. It was eggs. $1.79, 10 minutes of cleaning, no big deal. But to me at that moment, it was a big deal.

Today is like that. I didn't accomplish a damn thing at work. I had some touchy conversations. I left work and one person rubbed me the wrong way on my commute. Then I got to CVS to run an errand and I started losing my patience. Then an ignorant person defied my personal space and I wanted to dropkick her right in the store. I stormed home, errands done. Then I find a shirt I ordered but cancelled right after ordering arrived and I was charged for it. So now I have to go through the hassle of returning said shirt to get my refund.

After watching a show and eating, I planned on dying my hair. As I did dishes I began to lose patience with the pot I was washing. Then I got angry because the paper towel barely ripped off. It is little things culminated with my pent up emotional frustration about things out of my control. If there was ever a night to have my own personal punching bag, tonight would be it. I'd rage so hard I'd probably want to pass out with exhaustion. But I can't kick or punch anything legally until Thursday and by then I'll be ok.

I'm impatient. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I finished my bottle of wine (like half a glass), started on a beer and I still feel like a ticking time bomb. I'm in a mood I'm rarely in. It is the kind of mood that if someone held me up at gunpoint I'd stare the barrel down. You're supposed to give them what they want and try to escape but I'm so fed up I'd just stare without blinking. No I do not have a death wish. I do not need therapy. I am just in my HULK mode and you do not want to mess with me.

So I'm not dying my hair. I'm not in a good place to be dealing with chemicals and such. I'd probably botch the dye job and spill shit everywhere. I should wait until tomorrow for that, maybe I'll be in a better frame of mind.

Until next time.....

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