A Little Bit of Blah

The Fourth of July was like any other 4th with the exception of its ending. I went down to the Parkway for the typical festivities, retrieved some free WaWa beverages and proceeded to go home to my air conditioning to make adult beverages. Around 6 I headed down to the concerts and fireworks. I was pretty excited to see J. Cole, Ne-Yo, Hunter Hayes and the Roots. I parked my behind on a curb right in front of the jumbotron. I didn't want to head down towards the stage because the seating area is really blocked off, you can't see anything and I tried to win seats this year and that failed. My spot was nice except for after about 2.5 hours sitting on a curb in shorts, adjusting into every position imaginable, my butt hurt and I was sweating everywhere.

Alas, the concert ended and I made my way to the middle of the Parkway to watch the fireworks. As I stepped over some girl's outstretched legs, someone yelled "Hey!" Turns out, a friend from college who graduated the year before me was attending the fireworks as well and she recognized me! I was really glad to see her and we caught up for a few minutes before the fireworks started.

The show was spectacular until I heard screaming coming from my right. I looked over and saw the crowd of people screaming and running towards me. "He's got a gun! He's got a gun!" someone yelled in a panic.

I was in the dead center of the Parkway. Oddly enough I was calm. I knew I had to move because I'd risk getting trampled if I stayed put. The "threat" was the last thing on my mind. As I turned to seek an open area to the left of the Parkway, I power walked through debris and checked for people on the ground. The whole time I kept saying in my head "Don't fall. Don't fall. Don't trip. Don't fall." If I did either of these things, I'd surely be injured. I made it to the side of the Parkway without incident. People were running and crying everywhere. I found a woman bent over trying to stand up. I put my hand on her back and tried to stay with her to see if I could help her up. As I moved to the front of her, another wave of panicked people came rushing towards us and I had to move. I wasn't able to help her as she fell down again.

The Parkway was littered with coolers, chairs, bottles, shoes, pretty much everything imaginable. I meandered closer to the Art Museum so I could watch the Grand Finale of the fireworks. As they ended I made my way home, fortunate enough to run into my friend from college and her group. She was fine, we hugged and said we were happy to see each other and catch up.

The scene on my way home was something out of a movie. People crying. Mother's crying hysterically because they had lost their kid in the fray. Children crying because they lost their mothers. People's nerves shattered. Police and fire trucks everywhere. I never cried, I never panicked and I was never worried about getting shot or blown to bits. I'm glad I stayed calm in the face of panic, but I worry my response wasn't as "flight" as it should be. Am I that desensitized to violence in Philadelphia?

Friday came and went, a quiet day at work with limited staff, for smart people called out to have a four day weekend. Then it was the weekend.

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I've been real lethargic and just, unwilling to move about. I spent a lot of time eating and watching Netflix this weekend. I even skipped kickboxing on Saturday which is very much not like me. I'm so tired but I can't seem to sleep, yet on Saturday and Sunday I got out of bed around noon and 1pm. I'm dreading the week ahead as well.

So it has been a bit of a blah weekend. I'm hoping the week will be better but it won't. I have to haul ass to accomplish some tasks before I leave for a brief vacation to the Shore next weekend. Oh well, such is life.

Until next time....

I Want A House

I want a house to call my own. If you asked me a year ago if I wanted a house, I would probably tell you that I am by no means committed to having a house for 15-20 years in Philadelphia, PA. I like the idea of being a renter. My landlord is responsible for extreme repairs, I pay once a month, I don't pay water and I can leave when I need to. I always say I'm going to go where the job is but the reality is that the job is probably going to be in Philadelphia.

If you read my "Dear Philadelphia, I Love You" post, you know that I love this city and really feel like I can call it home. I'm now strongly considering trying to buy a house in the city. Here are my reasons:

1) Mortgages are cheaper than rent and now is a good time to dive into the housing market before things get really not affordable again. Additionally I will probably be approved for whatever loans or things I request because I have an excellent and detailed credit history.

2) Peer pressure. While many of my friends are getting married and having kids, I do not feel pressured anymore to hurry up and get those things done. I do however, feel a pang of envy when I see friends building or remodeling their first home. Many friends are going to settlement on their first home and I can't help but wish that was me too. I know it is perfectly normal for an unmarried person to reside in an apartment until they meet someone and get married and have their first child...but I don't see anything wrong with skipping a few steps and owning the house now.

3) I would go to town on DIY home improvement projects. I would love to paint and redo and landscape and repair elements of a house. I would love to decorate it to my liking and just really go to town into making it my home.

4) I want to entertain people. I do! I want a house with a decent sized living room, a kitchen I can cook in with plenty of counter space, an outdoor patio, deck, stoop, balcony (SOMETHING OUTDOORS) and a grill. I want to host a book club or a sporting party or something. My apartment can really only comfortably fit about 4 guests in it, and even that makes it feel crowded. If I had a house I could do so much more, accommodate more people!

5) I could grill! I could compost! I could grow my own mint leaves! I could have a dog! I could do so many things I can't do in my apartment right now.

The cons:

1) I'd be tethered to the same house in the same neighborhood for years and years. I'd have a mortgage looming over my head and I'm not sure I'm that financially stable to take on the commitment of owning a house!

2) I'm unmarried....what if my partner wants to move elsewhere or something. What if I have to become a landlord to pay off my mortgage! I think I would be a shitty landlord.

3) Stupid reason, I but I have no idea how buying a house works. I know that I don't have $80,000 to drop on a row home right now and I know I probably don't even have 20% of that. I'm nervous to talk to a realtor about this process because I don't want to be buffaloed into doing something I'm just trying to get more information about.

4) The job could be in Syria or Russia or Germany or even Australia. I could land the perfect international journalism job and look...I just tied myself to an $80,000 house. Perfect.

5) Commitment-fears in general oh, and I don't know what I need more right now....a car or a house. Also, my job isn't as secure as I'd like it to be. Perhaps I should wait until I have stable employment in my field with a significant salary hike.

So maybe I'll fish around for some "How to buy a house and get a mortgage in your 20s" advice and maybe "window shop" the housing market. It is a big step and a big commitment and a decision that should not be taken lightly. The idealist dream of owning a house and the reality of owning a house are probably two very different things. With careful consideration I'll look into the possibility. In the meantime, I'll continue to cook my chicken in my convection oven and enjoy the outdoor parks by me since I really don't even have a stoop I can sit on.

Until next time...

Sometimes...

......I feel like my heart is literally going to EXPLODE out of my chest. Like the actual organ will spontaneously burst, cracking my sternum, splitting ribs, blowing a hole through my flesh and just detonate. The sound might be similar to lighting cracking (my bones). Or perhaps a bag of chips popping open. I'm not sure.

But with all the powerful emotions I carry within myself, I'm sometimes surprised my heart does not explode from the pressure. Sometimes, I feel like it will.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Until next time...

With Every Loss Comes Growth of Resilience

Resilience: an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.

This is a quality that I see within myself. So much so that I've contemplated getting the word "Resilient" inked into my side. With every great loss, resilience is born. If you are not crippled, defeated, destroyed by loss...you grow, you adjust, you build upon your inner strength.

I've seen this quality in a lot of people I care about lately. Now, more than ever, seems to be a time of difficult moments for my loved ones. Our agency suffered it's fourth client death in the past four years. Several of my dearest friends are battling the darkest of demons and trying to be strong for those they care for. Someone is struggling to find a meaningful relationship yet is paralyzed by personal expectations and criticisms. Someone is a universal rock who needs a rock of their own right now. Someone faces an uncertain fate which could alter the course of their life forever.

I'm proud to call these people my friends, colleagues and even family. They're fighting for those they love, for what they deserve and for what the believe in. Their strength is inspiring.Their conviction a blueprint for many. They are everyday heroes determined to rise above the ashes of their personal traumas.

As for me, I wish I could bear their load and take away their pain. However, that old story of the caterpillar/butterfly comes to mind:

           A man stumbled across a butterfly struggling to break free of its cocoon. It didn't look like it would be able to rip through the walls. The man decided to help it along and set it free. He grabbed his knife and gently cut a hole in the cocoon. The butterfly flew out and died that day. The man did not understand why the butterfly died. In truth, the butterfly had to learn how to break out on its own, therefore making it stronger and able to survive. 

So I just support them and fight my own fights as I try to find innovative ways to help these great people through their battles. I won't cut their cocoon open, but I will offer suggestions and encouragement along the way. 

Until next time...

A Word on Short "Tention Spans"

Today, Americans more so than ever, have very short attention spans. This isn't a breakthrough observation or rocket science, it is fact. Many columnists, scientists and funny articles on Thought Catalog have touched upon this short attention span and instant gratification epidemic we face today. We want it but we want it RIGHT NOW and it better only take A FEW MINUTES because that is all WE HAVE.

Think about it. How many times have you been bothered by having to wait in line for let's say Starbucks coffee. Despite the fact most baristas try really hard to get your order right, learn your name, write it on a cup and give you more than just a "how are you, ok" you still get agitated that you have to wait in a long line for your deliciously overpriced coffee. You have a bus to catch, a meeting to go to, an errand to run, a friend to meet, a test to take..you're always going going going.

The news, you want to know what is happening and NOW but you only want to read the first paragraph because then your eyes are drawn to the photo and WAIT THERE IS A RELATED LINK ABOUT PUPPIES!

In today's digital age, our attention spans are shrinking. With the world at our fingertips we want to catch every status update, tweet, sale, next big thing, album leak, breaking news, and celebrity gossip piece the second it happens. Our minds quickly absorb the kiddie pool depth of information before moving on to the next stimulating thing. This is troublesome because this tendency can migrate to other facets of your life such as your relationships, your job, your family life, your school...etc. You want everything instantaneously when normal things take time to develop.

That and the fact that social media and smart phones have made us more socially awkward. You might share your life with the world though every photo, tag, tweet, update...but when it comes to actually making a phone call, this generation growing up with this technology is going to have trouble. Hell, they are already IN trouble. I think I might be in trouble and I remember when I used the Internet to play games on Nick.com and my mom needed to use the phone so I had to sign off because we had dial up.

But its a troubling thought when relationships begin and sometimes even end with TEXT MESSAGES. When emoticons substitute for real emotions and people regress into an anti-social, digitally personal age. I don't like being caught on the subway without my iPod because God forbid I might have to actually have a conversation with a STRANGER (but we all know when stranger convos happen to me they are usually strange).

The point is we need to practice a healthy tech cleanse. We need to unplug once and awhile and enjoy each other's literal company. We need to play outside without taking a selfie and putting it on Instagram and then valuing our self worth on how many likes we get. (I swear I don't do that).

So get out there and unplug or make a phone call to that friend for their birthday! I'm going to go check my Facebook now...

Until next time.....

I Love Me Some Weather Porn

Severe weather is heading towards the East Coast and the Weather Channel and news outlets are urging viewers to be vigilant and monitor the forecasts for their respective areas.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to have some weather porn! Especially with the potential for a derecho headed our way! I'm so excited!

For those who do not know, weather porn is when an epic weather event occurs and newscasters and weathermen/women hype up the event to make you believe the world might actually end. Storms of the century, hail the size of golf balls, tornado threats in metro areas, flooding that can carry away small animals...this is the makings of weather porn. I will sit, eyes glued to whatever screen I can find, and monitor the "deteriorating conditions" until it happens outside my window and my attention will be diverted to the real thing.

Oh and a derecho is a fast moving, long lived widespread (at least 240 miles wide) epic windstorm made up of severe thunderstorms that can cause wind starting at 50 mph. Derechos are rare (though we had one last year). They typically form out of a bow shaped storm system so monitor the radar and see what happens. They also produce amazing shelf clouds too (and damaging winds/hail/rain).

I'm pretty morbid for liking this stuff but I grew up flipping back and forth between Gilligan's Island and the Weather Channel. I'm serious, I would sit and watch the Weather Channel for HOURS. I could predict what Local on the 8's would say but I still watched with deep fascination. I loved "Storm Stories" and Jim Cantore is my idol. I'm headed into journalism because I didn't study meteorology but I guess if I fail as a journalist I could always study atmospheric sciences. :-/

Point is I love the weather and I love coverage of disasters. I don't like death and destruction. I do not wish people would die and tornadoes would rip children out of the arms of their mothers. I was deeply saddened by Moore and Joplin and every time a tornado heads towards St. Louis I worry about my friend, Connie. But there is something to be said for the sensationalized coverage of dangerous weather events. I'm fascinated, captivated and want to know what will happen next.

Hopefully tomorrow's weather will be excitement worthy but I stress this, when I say I hope we have no casualties due to the weather. I am not a sick individual I just love it when Mother Nature gets a little angry.

Until next time....

I am feeling....

....inspired and hopeful. I've been stuck in a nice summer routine of kickboxing, chores, work, and naps with a little bit of socialization sprinkled in between. I need to keep learning or writing or striving for things. I can't just take a break because it is summer. My mind needs to be stimulated. I've resorted to reading the Briefing on Media Law in my old AP Stylebook as a refresher and prep for my Media Law class coming up this fall. I also finished reading the 50 Shades of Grey Triology so now I can move on to more um....mentally stimulating material. Much like Twilight, E.L. James leaves little to the imagination and does all the work for you through her words. Not an active read. Somewhat compelling story.

I might have to make flashcards of important court cases related to media developments throughout history. Oh, and take up USA Today Crossword Puzzles again, I used to be able to beat them in 15 minutes or less.

Despite being stuck in routine and mental dullness, I'm quite happy and hopeful that things are about to change. We're halfway through, and I still think that 2013 is one of my best years yet.

Until next time...

I Only Get Hit On When I Am Angry

Today I thought I would share an interesting exchange that occurred on my commute in. After a horrendous morning consisting of setting my alarm for the wrong day, having the bus blow by me because it was full, and being stuck behind a trash truck on a narrow street forever (eventually making me a full hour late for work), I wasn't in the best of moods.

Aviators on, iced coffee in hand and music blasting in my ears...I boarded the EL and found an empty seat. Of course, someone decided they wanted to sit next to me. I enjoyed solo seatdom for a good minute before this guy plops down in the empty seat next to me. I stare coldly out my aviators to the window and he, of course, tries to engage me in conversation. I pop the headphones out and say "What?"

"Do those headphones go to your phone?" he asks.

"Yep." I reply

"Can I hold your phone?" he asks. Actually, this is what I thought he said so I replied, "Why, so you can grab it and run out the door at the next stop? Hell no."

He laughed. "No, no, can I call your phone?"

"Nope." I replied.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" he asked.

"Yep" I replied

"How long have you had that probl...been together?" he asked.

"Six months." I lied. He made some comment about how that wasn't a boyfriend but a fling or something.

At this point, I had enough. "Damn you are bold. What is your success rate?" I asked him with a smile.

That did it. "Right now I'm 0 for 1. Damn you are cool as shit! You remind me of Khole Kardashian!" he said.

"Cute, but I don't think so. I haven't been to many basketball games lately," I replied.

This exchange continued for several more stops and included comments such as "I can't resist a girl with long hair, thickness and cute toes." and "do you know what TBT means?" (Thick beautiful and tempting) He told me he was jealous of my iced coffee because my lips were touching the straw. I told him he should be and he should use that line at a bar when a girl takes a shot of tequila and sucks the lime. If she's drunk enough, that line might actually work.

"You should try the westbound direction. You might have better luck there." I said with snark. Smitten, he tried to give me his number as he got off at his stop. I tipped my iced coffee at him through the window as he walked away.

I'm fairly certain I'm going to end up a Craigslist Missed Connection.

Until next time....

I Need To Stop Striving For Excellence Because...

...when I don't meet my own standards I feel like a failure.

I got another A- in one of my classes in Jschool. I totally deserved it. I think I know which assignment I didn't do my best on and perhaps destroyed my A+ excellence. This is a fair grade but now I'm just regretting not giving it my all. I regret waiting to the last minute to complete some of my assignments. I regret not utilizing office hours and getting feedback on my areas of "growth." I regret not trying harder. If I truly did my best, I'd have earned an A.

As of today I have all A's and 2 A-'s. That is nothing to scoff at but that isn't perfection and perfection is what I strive for.

My GPA takes a hit again. *sigh* As does my ego.

Until next time...

Dear Philadelphia, I love you.

Today I found out that my favorite late night drunk pizza place is reopening its doors after the shop was heavily damaged by a fire last summer. Lorenzo's Pizza is back! It makes me want to go to South Street tonight, drink too much PBR at the Tattooed Moms and then buy a $2.75 slice of cheese pizza the size of my head.

While telling a co-worker about this incredibly happy news, she laughed, shook her head and said "You were supposed to end up in Philly. You are always having a ball!"

I love it when people say that. Believe it or not, I get it a lot.

I've written posts about being that little girl in the backseat of the car staring up at the big skyline on I-95 while equally big dreams swim through my head. I always thought I'd end up in New York City or Chicago or even Miami. I never EVER thought I would end up in Philadelphia. I thought the actual city looked dirty and scary as a child.

But I ended up here and I love it. I've complained about my job, my school, my neighbors, my apartment, but never ever have I complained about this city. Sure it is dirty, people are rude, the homeless people on the street who harass me make me want to fight them, people can not drive for crap, and sweatpants are a fashion staple. But I love it.

People joke with me when I say I'm going to go where the job is. If I find a job outside of Philly, I'm going to take it. They laugh, shake their head and say "no, Mary Anna. You're going to end up staying in Philly. You'll live in South Philly and when you're ready to start a family you'll move to the Northeast. You'll join a PTA, your kids will go to karate and you won't leave the city."

I laugh and dismiss this but they could be right. With each year I spend as a Philadelphia resident, I feel more and more like I belong here. I feel like less of a transplant and more of a native. I embrace river concerts and just fishing off the Schuylkill banks river trail. I love watching Rocky on the Art Museum steps during the 4th of July week. I love the cheese steak competition. I appreciate the wonders of brunch. I love walking into my favorite bar and the staff knows me....even in a big bad city. I like the history and learning about it.

I still look up at the big skyline and I still have equally big dreams but I wouldn't be surprised if they are fulfilled in Philly.

Until next time...

It Was Time For A Face Lift

I started this blog in the summer of 2009. I had just graduated The College of William and Mary and had no effin clue what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I have a blast looking back at the old posts and seeing how much I've changed.

While the blog entries have decreased in number each year, I have...indeed...maintained this blog for almost 4 years. This is a huge accomplishment since I rarely finish or keep up with anything I start. So to honor that accomplishment, I did a little redecorating. I hope you like it.

Lately I have been feeling on top of my game despite the fact I have a paper due today at 5:30 and I am by no means done and it is 11:25am. haha But, I've made some personal discoveries that I believe will lead to fruitful change in my life. I'm trying to learn how to keep calm and carry on in the midst of chaos. I'm also enjoying this beautiful spring weather and have been swagging out my spring outfits all week. Looking good makes you feel good.

April is/has been/will continue to be a big month for me. I'm doing some traveling in two weeks down to William and Mary for the reunion aka farewell of my college sorority chapter, Phi Mu Gamma Alpha. The last weekend of April, I'm going to my best friend's cousin's wedding...where the only person I'll know is my best friend.I have to say I'm pretty excited. I'm still waiting to hear back about my "take a chance" news. I can't disclose right now because I might jinx it. If things work out there will be a huge post about it. There is a good chance this news could hit in April.

I can't explain it. I just feel awake, aware, alive. I also feel like I'm changing again, but it isn't dramatic and it is most certainly for the good.

Until next time...

Reverse Your Own Psychology

Forgive me for the vague and potentially rambling nature of this post. It is important, though.

When you're struggling with a math problem and you just can't figure out the answer, sometimes you have to take a break and tackle it after clearing your mind for a bit. Sometimes when you're writing a paper or a story, you get writer's block and you have to get up, walk around, run some errands, and come back to your assignment.

Relationships, friendships, human interactions are like that too. Sometimes we do stupid things that we think will help us reach insignificant goals. We use manipulative tactics, we talk around issues, we hint and nudge to get an outcome we think we deserve. The reality is, that never works and the other party(ies) catch on really quick.

The best thing you can do is realize the problem starts with you. You are the problem. There are a multitude of experiences in your life that have hard wired you to have certain problems but you can fix your current situation. How? You take a step back. You give up on your demands and just walk away for a minute, clear your head, see how you're feeling. You can not change, fix, manipulate or force another party to think, act, do what you want. But you can change, fix, manipulate and force yourself to alter your perspective and make a glaring need appear insignificant.

When you step back, back down, walk away for a second....something amazing happens. You think you're relinquishing control of the situation. You think you're giving up, but you are not. In fact, you are empowering yourself. You gain more control by stepping down than you do attacking your needs head on. (In most cases). Obviously if say, you thought you deserved a raise...backing down and walking away won't get you what you want. This tactic is primary effective in human relationships.

Sometimes doing the opposite of what seems logical, actually gets you the outcome you wanted all along. Who knew it was that easy?

Until next time....

Take a Chance Make a Change

All I want to say is that you miss 100% of the shots you never take. So step up to the line and try. The worst that can happen is you fail. Is that really so bad?

9 Reasons I Think I'm Destined to Be a Journalist

Grad School is a bitch, well...my bitch, actually. I don't know why I thought I could actually work full time and go to graduate school part time. Then I look at myself 3/4 into my second year of grad school and I'm like "oh yeah, that's right. I've already been doing this for almost 2 years." I'm going to be in severe debt (keep on coming student loans that charge interest, like now) and I'm entering a dying field (with civic journalists reporting stories via their Iphones, who needs read journalists these days) and I'm fending off panic attacks weekly because of it (I need to interview 5 sources in two weeks or I will fail). But despite all of this, I'm destined to be a journalist and here are the reasons why:

1) I tried to write my first chapter book in 2nd grade. It was about unicorns and every new page was a new chapter. Like most original literary works in my life, I never finished it. But my love for writing began at a young age. My teacher asked me, "Mary Anna, do you like to write." I was young and stupid and said, "Well, I like telling stories but I don't particularly enjoy pushing my pencil back and forth."

2) Journalism forces you to get stuff done. I have a deadline. I'm toast if I don't make it. Unless someone close to me dies or I almost die, I have no excuse but to meet the deadline. There is no half-written story. There is no idea that remains an idea and never a concrete piece of work. I'll have an editor riding my ass, pushing me to write better, in the time frame he assigns. Bam.

3) I doubt I'd get bored. When I freelanced for The Eastern Shore News, I loved every minute of it. I got to cover tourism seminars. I got to spend the day out on a boat with a bunch of high school guys deploying reef balls into the bay. I got to go to meetings I wouldn't normally care about if I wasn't assigned to cover them. I went places, I met people, and it never got old. This morning while I waiting for the trolley to carry my cold ass a few blocks to my job, I felt great sadness. I don't really wake up looking forward to my job anymore because it is the same thing every day. I will inevitably work on enrollments, assessments, attend team meetings, and organize monthly programs (the same programs) for our families. While this work is meaningful, it is the same work each and every day. I see the same people, do the same tasks, have the same meetings. There is no room for promotion. The incentive to do your job is the paycheck (and to help the families). I'm one of those people who can't settle down for long periods of time because I get ADD and start doing things like blogging about my desired career instead of focusing on my current job. If I was a full-time journalist, I'd spend every day tracking down people, researching, hearing stories, re-telling stories, traveling around the city, making hard phone calls, following little treasure hunts to potential sources. Each day would be different, even if I was working on the same story. Constant stimuli. Constant rush.

4) I like telling stories. I've always been that way. I'm the storyteller, the walking entertainment system. If it can happen, it will happen to me. I love sharing news, both good and bad and other peoples'. I like engaging in interesting conversations and sharing that with others.

5) I'm a people person with empathy superpowers. No, really, I've decided its true. I'm an empath. I can read people easily, gauge their attitude, feelings and alter my own attitude, personality to complement their own. It is weird, but this power is great because on one hand I sort of manipulate the other person's perspective of me but on the other hand, I get the information I want because I'm trustworthy and I'm easy to talk to. For years, random people have engaged me in conversation about random crap for no reason. Its like they know. It is also why telephone calls to people I don't know freak me out. I'm only really good at reading people in person and sometimes through text, but not so good on the phone. My superpower is also my crutch in that, I don't like not being able to alter myself appropriately to accommodate whomever is on the other line. It is weird but in the face to face world, it is quite useful.

6) Go with your gut. When I started out at William and Mary, I wanted to double major in English and Theatre and pursue a journalism career. While the works of Chaucer were interesting, I knew this field of study would not prepare me to be a good journalist. So I switched majors and decided to major in Sociology. This has been the one career path that has been somewhat consistent in my ADD kind of life. I've toyed with many career ideas, but this one has stuck and this one brings me the most joy.

7) That feeling you get when you book an interview with the perfect source. I can't describe it but its this massive overwhelming feeling of pride, excitement and accomplishment. You know that person is going to make your story. You have it in the bag. You're just so damn happy about it. Its like winning the lottery or finding out you don't have a terminal illness. I dunno, its a great, amazing feeling and I totally live for it.

8) I'm good at it. Hey, not to brag, but I'm carrying a 3.93 GPA in graduate school. My professors have patted me on the back for my work. I'm not a Jschool mogul like some of my classmates, I'm more of a name than a face. But people recognize I do good work and my grades reflect that.

9) I'm naturally curious. Why does that do that? Who is this person and why are they so influential? Why does this issue exist? What is being done about that issue? If I don't know it, I look it up. Being naturally inquisitive about life is a great characteristic of a future journalist. Its almost mandatory.

And that my friends, sums up the reasons I think I am destined to be a journalist. Now to make destiny a reality.

Until next time...

Who Do You Root For When Heroes Keep Falling?

Humans are just that, human. We go through lives meandering through an epic process of trial and error. We put pressure on ourselves to be the best. We feel the pressure from others. We try. Sometimes we rise to greatness and are hailed as a hero. Other times we cheat to get there and when the truth comes out, another modern-day superhero is put to rest.

I'm writing this on Valentine's Day. What I'd prefer to be a post about true love, loving everyone and generally being happy as a clam, is actually a social commentary on our heroes who have fallen from grace.

You have Tiger Woods, one of the greatest golfers of all time. His winning streak and acclaim is tarnished by his addiction to sex. The man was knocked off his golf pedestal and is trying to rebuild his life and image. The world uttered a collective tsk tsk.

You have Lance Armstrong, the miracle biker who beat cancer and won Tour de France competitions, smashed world records and became a legend...that is until the truth about his doping habits came to the surface. Every title was stripped, every award taken back. Now he is nothing but a former star in an empty award room left to think and re-think about his actions. Despite the pressure, society would always agree that it is better to admit defeat than cheat your way to the top just to live up to this ideal image bestowed upon you.

Politicians like David Petraeus, Anthony Wiener (unfortunate name), Bill Clinton and John Edwards lose political credibility because of sex scandals and affairs. Was the lust, love, sex really worth destroying your career and creating this giant black streak against your professional record?

Legends such as Joe Paterno spent their lives building a legacy only to have it stripped away by a covered child-abuse scandal and to add insult to injury, succumb to cancer after being fired from their long standing job.

Then you have Olympian Oscar Pistorius who 'allegedly' shot his girlfriend in the early morning hours of Valentine's Day. A hero for amputee survivors everywhere, Pistorius gave the world a hero to root for. Overcoming all odds and becoming the first amputee athlete to compete in able body Olympics may be his biggest accomplishment. He ponders this as he sits in a jail cell awaiting his fate.

What causes our heroes to fall from grace? Why do these notable individuals who millions of people look up to, make the gravest of mistakes? Its one thing to fall. Its another thing to fail. But to intentionally make incredibly poor decisions in the moment comes with a steep price: dwelling on said decisions for the rest of your life and losing your credibility.

It is such a shame.

Until next time...

End of an Era

Here's to all the Phi Mus who wear their heart and hand. To the rose and white ribbons that bind us in our bond. To the lion, we get our courage, our strength and honor too, may we always have the memory of the love that means Phi Mu!

Memory. Soon that will be all we have. Last night, after a particularly horrid day at work which resulted in me having to stay late to babysit some very wound up kids and miss my kickboxing class, I got some bad news. Phi Mu Gamma Alpha Chapter, that is the Phi Mu Chapter at the College of William and Mary, is shutting down. The National Committee, after many meetings, consultations and different recruitment approaches, has decided that Gamma Alpha can not sustain herself and must take a break from W&M Greek life until "the College climate changes."

So no more lions. No more carnations. I have no idea what will happen to our house. The poor sisters who are not graduating in Spring '13 will be left without a sorority. I hear they plan to appeal the decision but I feel since Nationals e-mailed the Gamma Alpha Alumni, the appeal won't go through. There is talk that the shut down is temporary and that the chapter needs a "break." Sorority membership quota at W&M is 90 and the chapter will have around 30 members after Spring '13 graduation.

I can't sit back and think "damn, those girls really can't recruit for shit." Because I don't think it is their fault. You see, what makes Phi Mu Gamma Alpha special is that we were not a stereotypical sorority. We didn't judge pledges on what they wore, how much money they have, who they know and how pretty they are. We looked for strong diverse women with high morals and a beautiful spirit. This decision to remain faithful to our values might be what eventually killed us.

Many women enter Greek Life at W&M because they are looking for more than a Sisterhood. They're looking for status symbols, a popular reputation, the opportunity to be desired by all the 'popular' fraternity boys and the same crap that high schoolers deem to be important and noteworthy. When you graduate W&M, popularity and social status are no longer important. You need to be smart, independent, hard working, foster professional connections and be innovative to succeed in "the real world." Nothing else matters.

During my run with Phi Mu, our reputation on campus was less than stellar. Despite this, we valued ourselves and our Sisterhood. We followed the rules but had a blast too. We were a melting pot sorority and reaped the benefits because of that. No cookie-cutter structure for us.

Now all we have is "the memory of the bond we share." Facebook statuses proclaiming Phi Mu pride and love are posted, cover photos are changed, the Gamma Alpha Alumni are celebrating years of Sisterhood and remembering "the good old days." I guess the shut down will temporarily bring Sisters together. Funerals bring people together too.

As a former Vice President of Gamma Alpha, I'm not ready to be positive yet. I'm still mourning a loss. Despite the fact I haven't been an active part of Phi Mu anything since 2009, I still feel this huge, gaping, looming loss. I'm not ready to celebrate the internal glory that was once my Sisterhood. I'm going to process this first. I'm going to get my mind right so when I return to W&M for a Homecoming I won't be disappointed that I can't visit the Phi Mu house because its not the Phi Mu house anymore. I need to get over the fact that status symbols and popularity are still insanely important to the 18-20 demographic. Once I come to terms with all of this, I'll be able to celebrate the memory of the love, honor and truth that is Phi Mu.

Until Next Time....

Top Highlights from MA's Epic Superbowl Bash

In case you weren't there, which many of you were not. Here is what you missed during last night's epic Superbowl Bash.

1. Before my guests arrived a bottle of Trader Joe's Potsticker Goyza sauce flew out of one of my cabinets, crashed onto my floor, exploded everywhere and projectile splashed as far as my bathroom sink. I was in the kitchen. It was epic and horrible and looked like someone had been shot. I was pissed but I got everything clean before my guests arrived. Thank God for paper towels and Lysol wipes.

2. The Dip. Its an amazing turkey chili cheese dip which was a huge success and a fan favorite each year. Noms.

3. Our Halftime Freakout. The whole time leading up to the Halftime show, I kept saying "Oh my God guys, Destiny's Child is going to have a reunion." Cue the halftime show. Beyonce is out on stage shaking her booty and making really weird facial expressions which I keep commenting on. Dialog ensues. "MA, I don't think its happening. I think its just Beyonce." "SHUT THE HELL UP IT MUST HAPPEN." "MA, no really." "KELLY AND MICHELLE WILL POP UP OUT OF NOWHERE DURING BOOTYLICIOUS!" "MA, I'm sorry, this is such a disappointment, but its not happening."

Then it happened. Kelly Rowland popped out of NOWHERE onto the stage during Bootylicious and we all had a collective freak out moment of screaming, clapping, cheering, and loud exclamation. Did I call it or what?

4. Tequila. We did shots. Often. At one point we took a shot and toasted to Michelle Williams. She always gets the short end of the stick.

5. Team switching. 3/4s into the game, my friend decides she's suddenly a 49ers fan. She literally peels off her purple sweater and wears her red scarf. She cheers on the 49ers (which to my non-football friends got simplified to "purple team" and "red team." Then when the Ravens won, she put her purple sweater back on and said "I'm for the purple team now."

6. The epic HOLDING CALL that never happened and the 49ers coach's manic gestures. We had fun with that one. We made an exercise routine out of it. We made dance moves. We pretty much did everything we could to enjoy that slow motion holding call demand which never happened.

7. Narration. The second half of the football game was complete with nonsensical narration which inevitably was decided should be turned into an annual podcast. Such commentary including "Whatcha doin? Where you going? Why you holding a ball? Why you wearing tights? Why are you on the ground? Did that hurt?"

8. Our affinity for the Nor'leans ref who after the power outage said "Play on!" We loved his calls. We loved his accent. He was kind of attractive. He was awesome. As was the power outage where we relayed all the fantastic Tweets and Facebook postings about the outage.

9. Deja vu. Exactly one year ago I had friends over for the Superbowl. We were loud and raunchy and had a blast. I left my phone in the other room and somehow missed several late night calls from my landlord. I thought I was being too loud and someone called to complain about the noise. So, I admitted to doing something I wasn't even sure I was guilty of and sent a long e-mail to him apologizing for my loudness. He replied, stating the girl that lives below me was locked out and he wanted me to let her in. #fail. Exactly one year later (last night) my landlord calls me again. This time, I know better. I answer the phone with poise and turns out, the bitch locked herself out again and I have to let her in. My landlord was surprised I was home but grateful I could take care of the problem. So, bizarre and why the hell does she lock herself out every Superbowl?

10. Favorite commercials. #1 the old people that escape from the nursing home and do crazy things and then go back at the wee hours of the morning. #2 Clydesdale pony commercial. #3 That was it. Also, glad I was alone during the Sandy Hook chorus performance at the beginning of the game because I definitely teared up.


My favorite quotes:

"He shut him down! He didn't go to start, shut down, turn off computer. He just pulled the plug!"
"Thanks for telling us about the power outage, now explain it, bitch."
"So, this family is going to have an awkward family dinner after the Superbowl had two brothers as opposing team coaches. 'How can we forget the time he put crayons on the heater and they melted? Or that year he spit in the Thanksgiving turkey? Noo, that's all forgotten now that he has a Superbowl Ring!" haha
"To Michelle Williams!"
"I'm not sure how I feel about this commercial."


All in all it was a good night with excellent food and excellent company. I'm a regular Martha Stewart with some tequila on the side.

Until next time...

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

Lately I've found I'm getting irked by the simple things. So I decided to scream, shout and let it all out in a list of things that grind my gears:

(In no particular order)

1. People that demand a receipt confirming you read their e-mail. I'm sorry, but as an American, I can choose whether or not I even WANT to read your e-mail. What does it matter if I read it or not? Half the time you're sending me something stupid and I feel like you are elitist for making sure I read it. Doesn't your inbox get full of receipts? Doesn't that get annoying? As annoying as you making sure I read your e-mails?

2. This morning I'm almost 100% certain a lady tried to steal my cell phone. I was at Dunkin Donuts getting my morning coffee when a woman stopped me and asked if I had a cell phone because she had to "call her job." My compassionate, caring side had not woken up yet and I was in an awful mood. Naturally I told her that no, I did not have a cell phone, I left it at home and was quite pissed about it. I figured if she needed to call "the job" that badly she would have asked someone else or made a general plea "Does anyone have a cell phone I can borrow for a second? I have to call my job!" But alas no, she retreated into a bathroom...that had an "Out of Order" sign on it. To do what, I have no idea, but due to that sequence of events I sense she was going to take my cell phone and run. This annoyed me for several reasons. The first is that she's relying on the generosity of a stranger to swindle them. The second is that she targeted me out of everyone in the store. Why? Because I was a white, nicely dressed female and she saw IPHONE or ANDROID written all over my professional presentation. Well bitch, I have a BLACKBERRY so beat it. The third is that if this is the new ploy to rob people, I'm saddened by that.

3. People that are very desperate on Facebook for opposite sex attention. I'm talking about the people that post endless ecards, memes and posters about "ALL I WANT IS TRUE LOVE" and "I JUST WANT TO BELONG TO SOMEBODY". Or people whose statuses read "wish someone was here to cuddle with me on this cold night." Look, I'm a big fat hypocrite. I spent years whining on this blog about how sad I was to be single, how awful it was to not be noticed by men, and how desperately I WANTED TO SNUGGLE WITH SOMEONE ON A COLD NIGHT...but when you're on the other side of the coin and you look back at where you were, you realize you come off as sad and pathetic. I can't judge you Lonely Single Facebookers, but I can almost feel sorry for you. You can call my bluff when someone responds to your status, post, ecard and says "OMG I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO BE WITH YOU," however I'm fairly certain they might just be trying to save you from further embarrassment.

4. People that cut in line on the trolley platform to be the first person on the trolley. I'm sorry, unless you're elderly or have an infant/toddler or a physical disability, you should not be pushing people out of the way to board the trolley first. Especially if you totally just rolled up to the platform and haven't been waiting in the same spot in the cold, freezing your ass off for the past 15 minutes. What gives you the RIGHT to get on this trolley before me? Laziness or the fact you and your unfit ass don't want to stand is not a good reason. So please, get to the back of the line, lay off the processed foods and wait your damn turn.

5. People that do not get up when you have a window seat, they are sitting next to you, and you need to exit the mode of transportation. These people swing their legs out to the side and make you squeeze past them. Like I said before, I really want to say "You know what, you are really ignorant. I hope my ass cheek grazes your face." I usually keep these comments to myself.

6. People that get to travel to other countries like its no big thing. You irritate me because I'm jealous of you. That's all.

7. Ignorant people who can't do their own job yet find one million reasons to throw your ass under the bus to protect theirs. There is one of these in every workplace. You pull your weight, you excel at what you do and you have that one person who can't get anything right and really doesn't care about it. So every time they are called out on a mistake, they drag your name through the mud and blame you. How do these people still have jobs? Why must we all put up with them? When can I give them a piece of my mind without getting fired? Oh that's right, never.

8. Homeless people that cuss you out because you don't give them money. Granted, they may have mental instabilities or be REALLY down on their luck. But I hate it when I pass by another hard pressed soul and he/she asks me for money. I typically acknowledge them with an "I'm sorry" or "no" because they are PEOPLE not ANIMALS or THINGS. However, on the occasions I mind my own business and go about my way, I typically get cussed out. "YOU BITCH. YOU CAN'T SPARE A DOLLA? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOUR SELFISH ASS?" This does happen. I continue walking. I've even had male panhandlers shout out pretty crude things to me. I have the best comebacks 20 minutes later, but for my personal safety and the sake of humanity...I keep my mouth shut and keep on truckin.

9. People that try to sneak in 15-20 items in the 10 item express checkout. That's just wrong.

10. People who pop in your office for a visit and then proceed to creep up behind you and peer at your computer screen to see what you are or are not working on. They probably don't even realize they are doing it, but its annoying as crap. What if I don't want you to see the USA Today Crossword Puzzle I'm working on during my lunch break or the raging e-mail a co-worker just sent me? A quick glance at the screen is fine, but deliberate, stand behind you, lean in your space, stare at your screen and try to read everything is not. Manners. Please.

That is all I can think of at the present time. I'm pretty sure I'm PMSing so that would explain my angry bitchy post. Talk to me in a week and a half. haha

Until next time...

Why I Don't Talk to Strangers in Philly

I consider myself a pretty social person. I love striking up a conversation about anything. However, since moving to the City of Brotherly Love, I find I am not as willing to chat up a perfect stranger. The social dynamic of 21st century city life is actually quite interesting. Think about it, you hop on public transportation, snatch a window seat and pray that no one sits next to you. Because that means if you need to get off before they do, you will ACTUALLY HAVE TO SPEAK to them. Of course, if they do sit next to you, there is an 80% chance that when you have to exit the bus/subway, they WON'T get up but rather shift their legs into the aisle and make you squeeze past them. When this occurs, I resist the urge to say "Thanks asshole. I hope my ass cheeks graze your face."

We listen to our MP3 players, and read our Kindles and pretty much fall into an anti-social commute where you say things like "excuse me" and that is about it. This morning I was riding the bus to work and sat next to a girl who had the same exact umbrella as I. I smiled, nodded to my umbrella and said "Hey! Nice umbrella!" To which she grunted in response and stared at the floor, seemingly annoyed/startled someone actually communicated a verbal thought to her this morning.

Philly, like most cities, requires a certain selective attitude when choosing to speak to a stranger. You might say "gee, this weather is nice" and end up in a political debate with a paranoid, mentally challenged, homeless person who happens to be dressed well and smelling nice that day. My person favorite is when I'm listening to my headphones and someone says something to me. I pop a headphone out, ask them to repeat themselves and answer whatever question they asked. Then I don't know whether to pop my headphone back in, because, what if they want more information? Nothing is more aggravating than having to ask a headphone wearing pedestrian several questions, several different times. Numerous times I'm accosted by people at my bus stop who make me pop out a headphone to answer them and then follow up with a lecture. "You know Miss, you're losing a sense when you're listening to those ear buds. I called out to you three times before you heard me. What if I was a robber or something? You wouldn't even hear me coming." Valid point. However, I'm standing no more than 70 feet from my apartment building in one of the safest neighborhoods in the city. That is not to say that nothing bad could happen, but I feel quite safe and secure around these surroundings and in my 2 years living in that spot, the only situations I miss out on have been people asking the time and if I see the bus down the street.

It is very entertaining to walk around the city with my mother, who decides to say hello to damn near everyone. She asks me why I don't acknowledge passer-byes and I'm like...because its Philly. You only talk to people you need something from. She says "hello, hi, good morning" and the recipients of her greetings mumble awkwardly or look wide eyed and startled. That is entertainment you can't buy.

The moral of the story is that our society has went from a very social one to a very anti-social one. The communication norms are shifting everyday and people's comfort zones have been redeveloped to include, well, only people they are familiar with or want something from. I try to tell strangers to have a good day after they ask me the time and sometimes they're genuinely pleased and other times they just ignore me. Such is life.

Until next time...

2012: A Year In Review

It is December 31st, 2012. Looking back, as we tend to do during this time, I realize it has been quite the year. I'd say this has been one of my better years, but like any cycle of 365 days, it had its ups and downs.

I lost 30+ lbs though the dedicated fervor of kickboxing once or twice a week in South Philly. Sadly, this was the 30 lbs I lost during my stint with fat class which I lost, gained back and ultimately lost. Point is, I'm healthier and much more into fitness than I used to be. I started running at Temple's indoor track. I started running outside, to the art museum steps and along the river. I'm going to call about a new kickboxing/martial arts studio in my work neighborhood to see their rates and if they're too high I'm taking up dance fitness for a month.

I lost a gallbladder and experienced my very first serious surgery in my life. I got to spend 5 days in a hospital and get rid of an organ that had caused me a lot of pain in 2011 into 2012. I've been healthier and happier ever since and my employee discount/insurance made the financial aspect of my stay and surgery a miracle.

I somehow made it through the worst semester in my entire academic life. I had a horrendously tough J School class that made me cry as I went home each night due to the pressure and the assignments and the expectations. While this class destroyed my 4.0 GPA by 8 tenths of a point, I look back and realize that an A- isn't that bad considering I missed 3 weeks due to surgery/recovery and half the time I had no idea what I was doing. I think that class made me a stronger person but it came dangerously close to breaking me.

I lost a good friend, someone who I considered one of my best friends. I think both of us may have changed from when we were last together and that change was too hard to bear. I'm still struggling with it because I miss my friend, but much like the ebb and flow of the tide, friends ebb and flow in and out of your life. I'm always going to want to fix what is broken but I know it is probably beyond repair.

I may have lost one of my best friends, but I also gained a new friend. While covering an assignment for a school project, I met a fantastic young woman who shares similar interests as I and we have had a blast hanging out. The trick to maintaining this friendship will be managing our crazy schedules but as I have not hung out with her since before Thanksgiving, I still feel like it was yesterday and our friendship is great and will grow in 2013.

I almost had to move out of my apartment and had a nervous breakdown because of it. I was so upset that I accidentally dropped an egg out of my fridge which somehow led to all my eggs falling out of the fridge and cracking on my floor. That led to me sobbing uncontrollably on my kitchen floor. Alas, I learned the power of negotiation after a rent raise and won the negotiation. I'm terrified to negotiate and tend to take what is given to me but this experience taught me what wonderful benefits you will receive if you try. I may move sometime in the summer to a bigger place, but for now I can stay snug in my little apartment on top of a pizza shop in Center City.

I went though a very difficult period of time when I was depressed for months and couldn't figure out why. I suspected it was due to work stuff, but I wasn't sure. I was a sad, angry, pathetic excuse for a worker. I got called out for it and told to seek help and that in and of itself was a wake up call. I became very close with a few select co-workers to the point I'd consider them as family. I started journaling again which proved to be helpful and I worked things out a bit on my own. I realized that my attitude wasn't a solo in a bubble thing and that many of my co-workers were going though similar ruts. The dynamic of our work community has changed and not for the better and I'm not the only person that realizes that. This isn't the same place it was 1 or 2 years ago and I hope changes will be made to build it back up to the powerhouse of a community it used to be.

I had always dreamed of falling in love around the Holidays. I think I've wanted a holiday romance for years and years. After months and months of online dating, awkward dates, year long crushes on guys who didn't care if I lived or died, single desperation, I finally fell into what I had been looking for. I randomly reconnected with an old high school friend in a very platonic situation and somehow at the same time we were shot by Cupid and realized there was more there. We had both given up on "love" and were focused on our own lives but bumped into each other in the process. Much to my surprise I will be entering 2013 with my heart belonging to someone else and their heart belonging to me. It is an exciting feeling.

In 2012, I got to go to a college friend's amazing wedding which turned into a pretty sweet reunion. I rented a car for the first time. I flew for the first time since Nicaragua to visit a friend in North Carolina. I spent my birthday with my close friends and even got my name on the Phillies Jumbotron. I met Cliff Lee, a Phillies pitcher and through my job that I complain about sometimes, scored baseline seats TWICE for free. I found my "Cheers" bar and visit there often. (They have great wings). I had a successful fall semester in J School and some unique opportunities in that field have been flying by my way. I lost a dear Sister of the Holy Redeemer friend who is in a much better peaceful place now.

It has been an up and down year. My new friend says she likes to enter the new year being "the best version of herself." I tend to be the best version of a drunken mess each New Years Eve, so I decided to try something different. Tonight I will be participating in a New Years Eve Bikram Yoga class and vegetarian potluck/non-alcoholic toast. Naturally, I'll have a travel mug of champagne ready for the walk home, but I'm going to ring in 2013 in downward dog, sweaty and healthy. I can't say the same for New Years Day because that is bound to be full of day drinking and Mummers, but hey...its that transition to midnight that counts.

My resolution for 2013 is to take more risks. This may seem crazy or stupid but I don't mean life-threatening risks. I play it safe all too often. I'm too scared to make major life changes. I'm too scared to fall in love. I'm too scared to fulfill my dream and do a stand-up comedy open mic night. I want to try new things this year. I want to travel as best I can on my limited mobility/time/budget. I want to take risks that will make 2013 one of the best years of my life.

Until next year...

Sweet Nostalgia

When I'm home on the Eastern Shore, I tend to get realll nostalgic. I guess it is my way of reminding myself where I came from and this place that made me who I am today. That is how I look at it. So I decided to browse through my old yearbooks from high school, a very sweet and awesome time of my life. I reviewed what people wrote about me and thought about it all.

I got a lot of "to a cool and crazy chick" "bubbly" "full of potential" "big things are coming your way" "great friend" "funny" "great stories" "entertaining" "hilarious friend to be around" "good times" and even a few "hot" "sexy" "sweet" and "nice" comments as well.

Many of these people have come and gone. There are even a few names I don't recognize since I asked EVERYONE to sign my yearbook whether you rode the bus with me for a year or had one class with me or we just passed by each other in the hall. Looking back, I think I had more sex appeal than I thought I did at the time. hah I mean, everyone thinks they are awkward as hell in high school, but I think I may have been a lot more appealing than I thought. Especially since when I randomly bump into people from the past, usually one or two admit they either had a crush on my in high school or thought I was amazing and sexy. Wierd, right? I was literally that smart, pompass ass, goody two-shoes girl who happened to also be decently popular, a favorite with the teachers, hilarious, and....pretty? I didn't know. I really didn't know.

A lot of the comments stated I was ambitious, which I think couldn't be more true. I wonder what these bus riders, lunch sharers, once in a classroom commenters would think of me today. Did big things happen? Am I still that quirky, funny, entertaining girl? I think for the most part, I've maintained a hold on those qualities. A lot of hilarious stories at work start with "One time, Mary Anna...."

I help homeless kids, that is a pretty big thing. I live alone in a large city. That is big. I'm in graduate school maintaining an "A" average in Journalism. Ah, journalism, that is another thing. I was thinking about how I've had to spend a pretty penny on some jschool gadgets and how I'm one of those people who never finish what I start. I tend to jump from hobby to hobby without really investing in one basic thing. But journalism? I look at my digital voice recorder and my notebooks and my textbooks and ponder getting a Macbook and think....this is what I want to do with the rest of my life. This isn't a hobby, this is my career. Rise up.

I get ego-centric on the Shore. Thanks for bearing with me. Merry Christmas Eve!

Until Next Time...

One Friday Morning in December

On Friday, December 14th, a troubled young man opened fire in a Kindergarten classroom and killed 20 innocent, young, beautiful children. He also managed to assassinate several staff members including the school principal and the school psychologist. The entire nation and world knows about this incident. People all throughout the country are grieving with Newtown, CT. The quiet, close-knit community is having a hard time preparing for Christmas with the thick fog of loss hanging in the air.

This incident sparked major debates on mainstream media channels, social media outlets and even in little coffee shops. "We need more gun control. This violence has got to stop." "Do we really value guns over children?" "What is the point of having a gun anyway?" "It is just a tool to injure or kill people."

"According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did)."

If your recall some of the most tragic, senseless acts of violence involving mass shootings, you will remember that the majority have been carried out by white males with severe mental illness. Yes, most of these weapons of death have been purchased legally or borrowed/stolen from someone who purchased them legally. How many mass shootings have been carried out by young males of any other race who bought their firearm from some guy on the street?

My city has a really high homicide rate and small scale shootings are a daily occurrence. This is where gun control is needed. These teenagers who aren't even old enough to own a gun, buy them off the street and then pop the first person that pisses them off or says something negative on Facebook. That shit needs to be "controlled."

I'm sure our nation's gun policies could use revision. This senseless violence needs to come to an end. There is no good reason for innocent bloodshed because of a troubled or disturbed individual. Our mental health care system needs the biggest revision and our political figures need to take a closer look at THAT.

I get so frustrated when people say "no more guns! Get rid of guns! The 2nd Amendment doesn't matter anymore, that was for back in the day when you needed to protect yourself from others." We still need to protect ourselves from others and it is sad. The flip side to the gun control debate is: what if the principal was allowed to conceal carry? I know, its terrifying to think of your elementary school principal packing heat in the school, but think about it for a second.

It may come as a surprise to many, but I am a gun owner. I use my firearm for hunting whitetail deer, but I own a firearm. The thought of "getting rid of all firearms" makes me sad because I purchased my gun legally, I routinely go over safe handling procedures with my dad, and I know the ins and outs of my gun. Not everyone has the point of view of "get rid of all guns in America," but many people do.

THAT is why I'm on this side of the debate. Gun owners and gun activists are going to shake their fists at those who do not own a gun. The gun-less debaters wouldn't be effected if all of the guns were confiscated or taken off the streets. They'd feel safer, maybe, but they don't lose anything. Gun owners would lose something. I doubt our nation would resort to such an extreme measure, and the truth is, you could stop selling guns and people will still find ways to obtain them or carry out their tragic plans.

The trick is finding a way to control the sale and distribution of guns so that young teens can't get them illegally, the mentally ill are treated before they can gain access to them and the responsible gun owners can continue doing their thing. But you can't predict when someone will snap. That is part of the problem as well.

The bottom line is: gun control is tricky. But no matter what side of the debate you are on, it is going to be extremely difficult to coax someone from the other side to join yours. Gun-less individuals want guns gone. Gun owners want to maintain their Constitutional right. No matter how much you debate, you're going to stick to your side and refuse to see the other.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? What came first, the gun purchase/motive or the mental illness that made an individual crack and form a plan of massive violence? You decide.

Until Next Time....

If you'd like to help the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary Shooting, you can donate money to their United Way fund. There are many ways to help, monetarily or otherwise. Please continue to keep their community in your thoughts and/or prayers. It is going to take them a very long time to recover and they could use all the good thoughts and peaceful wishes they can get.

https://newtown.uwwesternct.org/

Gray Thursday/Black Friday

So today was Thanksgiving and after a delicious meal and a traditional Thanksgiving movie, my family and I decided to venture out into the world of Gray Thursday. Now, this was all my doing because a) I love to shop and b) I enjoy competition. I got dressed in my motorcycle boots and army dress, ready for anything. I even listened to some music to pump me up (just for fun).

"It’s not that serious" my parents said. They rolled their eyes and joked about leaving the house so late (7:30pm).

Oh, but it was that serious. The parking lot was full. We had to park next door at the YMCA. I ran ahead, walked into the store, and BOOM. The ENTIRE EASTERN SHORE OF VIRGINIA was in the store. I grabbed a cart and headed towards the Tupperware. I soon realized that wasn't happening. So I ditched the cart and continued to find the Tupperware. That was the main thing I wanted. I soon found it and then tried to locate other items.

You had to get a ticket to get a TV. There were people huddled near pallets of dvd players and blu ray players. Fights nearly broke out. I really wanted the 1 Terabyte external hard drive which was on sale for $59 at 10pm. I couldn't find out where they would be selling it so I decided to check where hard drives normally are sold. Sure enough I found the sucker sitting on a shelf! I grabbed it and waiting until 10pm to pay for it.

During the wait, I tried to secure a $20 printer for my parents and a big flash drive for myself. I planted myself against a pallet thinking that people would have to knock me out of the way if they wanted to get one (unless they were a store employee in which I'd kindly get out of the way). I really wanted two flash drives because they were on sale but I couldn't get the printer and the flash drives. So I made friends with a guy who got the flash drives for me and I got a printer for him. It was a fair trade. At one point a pallet of phones was removed from our area and placed at a different location. Fortunately with the pallet, went all the people looking for the phones.

Being the awkward magnet of odd, this short little guy comes up to me and says hello.
I said hi, because a lot of people say hi as they try to squeeze by. Yeah, shouldn't have, because this invites him to have a conversation with me about where I'm from, what I do, did I come to the Shore alone, what kind of movies do I like, la de da
He actually kind of hugs me and puts his hand on the small of my back and tells me to have a great Thanksgiving. I want to be like "SHUT UP I'M STALKING THESE PRINTERS" and I was trying to watch my guy on the flash drives so I didn't have time for chit chat.

At about 9:55, someone started ripping through the plastic of one of the boxes. "NO IT IS NOT 10 o’clock" the employees shouted. So they put the merch back but a few seconds later, everyone started ripping through shit. Naturally I joined in, I mean...if I sat back and watched everyone I wouldn't get the printers. I managed to get the printers and the guy got my flash drives. I was so thankful to get out of that section, for people were getting crazy and the short guy was probably about to ask me out on a date. After buying my goods, I went to fetch the car since it was far and I walk the fastest. On my walk to the car, a bunch of guys slowed down and hollered at me "Hey mama, don't walk so hard. I'd eat that ass up." In my ever classy way I yelled back "thanks anyway, but I'm a lesbian." Needless to say, I didn't get a response. I should have said I was married because in small town USA, my false comebacks could be spread around as fact. Oh well, I was tired and cold.

So nothing like getting hit on. Getting bumped into. Fighting to get cheap deals and wishing everyone a "Happy Thanksgiving" along the way. (Except to the ignorant woman who was pushing past everyone even when a woman in a wheelchair was waiting to get by). Crazy, that one Wal-mart on the Eastern Shore.

I made away with a portable Ipod stereo, my hard drive, my flash drive, some shirts, a few dvds and a convection oven and of course....my beloved Tupperware. I'm not sure if I'll be going out tomorrow for Round 2, but if I do...I doubt it will be as crazy. :)

Until next time...

It is November 2nd, and I have no idea who I'm voting for

The 2012 presidential election is in four days and I am an undecided voter. Over the past several months, I've had strong feelings about each candidate, to the point where I thought "I know who has my vote." However, I've changed my mind over and over again. You see, I HATE politics. I love democracy but I HATE politics. Personally I believe both candidates are full of empty promises that they make just to get elected. They're not really going to DO anything. If Obama gets re-elected, it will be four more years of the same. If Romney gets elected, he'll realize it isn't so easy to undo every Obama policy ever made and might even be swayed to continue certain pre-existing policies. I still haven't looked at my PA ballot to see what else we're voting for. I've paid attention to the campaigns, read recaps on the debates, I know where the candidates stand on the issues, or at least where they think they stand, but I still don't know who has my vote.

I consider myself a political moderate. I'm for gay marriage and gay rights, for some of my dearest friends are gay. I'm pro-social services due to my job. I do think the welfare and public assistance system could use some reform. I'm pro gun rights...the crazy people shooting up things? A lot of them obtained their guns legally. There were other issues that made them go off the deep end and cause widespread tragedy. The "thugs" on the streets? They get guns illegally. I highly doubt stricter gun laws will prevent or reduce the number of gun violence incidents.

I'm pro-life except for incest, rape, or if the mother is in terrible danger. I know as a women I am expected to praise "a women's right to choose what is best for her body" but honestly, wear a condom, take birth control, practice safe sex. So many women out there just get laid because their man says "I love you. I want to have a baby by you." Then the man leaves, they are pregnant and they want to just erase their "mistake" because they've found themselves in the middle of a life-altering reality. Every woman has her reason and I can't judge the whole world of women, but there are measures to prevent pregnancy BEFORE it happens and I don't understand why more women don't use it. Note: I'm not including rape or incest in this generalization.

I don't think Planned Parenthood is the anti-Christ.

I think marijuana should be legalized. I'm grateful all companies must provide birth control for their female employees. Some people are on birth control so they CAN have kids someday. Perhaps certain organs don't work the way they should and women are prescribed birth control to make those organs work. I know from experience.

I'd pro-Equal Pay Act. Just because I have ovaries doesn't mean I should be paid less than an equally educated man.

There needs to be more federal aid and financial assistance for post secondary education. There is no reason why graduate students should be barred from obtaining subsidized loans. We need more jobs. Gas needs to get cheaper. We need to protect our environment better. I'm for taxing the wealthy a little bit more, but maybe that is because I am not wealthy. I'm for tax cuts and I do think our national debt is ridiculous.

I hate getting into political debates because you always run into someone who feels so strongly about their beliefs that they will knock down all of your beliefs and try to force their agenda on you. Which is why, I stay mute when people talk politics. I don't feel like being called an idiot for my conservative ideals or a "bleeding heart liberal" for my more liberal ideals. I'm a moderate. I sit on the fence. I wait to be swayed.

I will vote on November 6th. I will read up on other ballot issues. I will stand behind whatever decision I make. But its November 2nd and I don't know who I'm going to vote for yet.

Until next time...

Eye of the Tiger or Something Like That

When I'm running, lets say...up a very huge flight of steps...I start to get winded. I don't think I get winded from the exertion, I think its from looking up at how far I have to go. My shortness of breath kicks in when I look up. I find when I run but look down, concentrating on each single step, I can last longer and don't get as winded so quickly.

I guess life is sort of like that. Lately, I've been getting emotionally winded by my job. The pay is decent, the benefits are pretty good, I like most of my co-workers. I have an excellent supervisor and I'm not just saying that because this is a public blog. However over the past month and a half I've had a piss poor attitude the second I walk through the door. As Sunday comes to a close, a feeling of dread and disappointment crashes over me like a tidal wave. "I have to go to work tomorrow," I think.

When I wake up in the morning, I do a mental check to see if anything hurts or if I am physically ill so I can call out sick. I just went on vacation in August, I shouldn't feel like that.

Or should I....I work late at least two nights a week...a pattern that I've been told will not change. I've been sharing an office for 3 years, the past few months with another full time employee and we share a computer and a phone. I've been putting up with a lot of other people's crap and feel hopeless and helpless because I can't professionally direct my grievances to someone in a productive manner. I serve on almost every committee we have at work. I run very successful programs. I'm a "yes ma'am" in that when you ask me to do something, I'm 95% likely to do it. But I feel stuck. I feel I've got nowhere to move but from my office chair to the one on the other side of the desk so my office mate can use the computer.

My patience for everyday annoyances has run thin too. I find myself trying not to get into physical altercations with people on the street who test my once ever abundant patience. I used to politely decline persistent panhandlers. Now if they touch me, badger me or aggressively try to get me to give them money, it takes every ounce of Jesus in me to not punch them square in the jaw.

I didn't always use to feel so violent and angry. As of this Monday, I felt that my personal life and academic life were in check, but my professor gave me some harsh critiques on what I thought to be, an excellent audio slideshow project. After that happened, I started to associate my negative feelings towards school too. I thought "well if I can't even create an audio slideshow to my professor's professional standards, should I even be in this program?"

I'm not going to quit my job. I'm not going to drop out of school. But something has to change. It used to take a whole lot of stuff to get me angry. Now I can curse out inanimate objects just for being knocked over by my aggressive behavior.

I need to focus on the stairs. Focus on each day and not look at the long and painful month ahead. I need to find if there is any opportunity for change and cling to that hope. I need to get over myself.

I may also need good anger management classes.

Until next time...

When the Grass Under Your Feet is Actually a Meadow....

Prepare for a post of vulnerability.

So, as few may know, I entered a weight loss challenge at work rightly called "The Biggest Loser." In the past three weeks I've lost 6.5 lbs...a small but very normal and healthy amount of weight to lose. I kick box twice a week, and get the gym one to two more times in addition to that. I've been jogging, learning about what happens when my muscles decide they don't want to work that hard (ace bandages are my new best friend) and eating very healthy. I'm not "dieting" I'm making a lifestyle change. I eat very little to no processed food/fast food/sodas/sugary snacks..etc. I'm conscious of what I drink and I try hard to work out all parts of my body. I've fallen in love with kickboxing and have seriously developed an addiction to eating right/exercising/becoming a healthy person. I've become so addicted that I've lost sight of other things in life...

Like my social life. Granted, I've been busy with various things, including a lot of work special events...but I've sort of pushed my social life to the side. Going out drinking all night sounds horrible after working out AND I've become a lot more tired (despite the energizing feeling you're supposed to have) by all this work/working out. I'm not a total bum, but I've made plans and cancelled with my friends a few times due to injuries and exhaustion. I feel bad, but I'm just focusing on the fitness right now.

Life isn't like that though. I'm coming up on my 25th birthday and can't help but shake my head when I think about how long I've been single. I'm not getting all whiney or anything, I actually had a self revelation this evening. See, I'm not single and alone because no one wants me. I'm single and alone because lately, I've stopped putting myself in situations where I could actually meet someone.

I decided to go out to my favorite bar for a drink and maybe strike up a conversation with a lone male patron if possible. This was a stretch for me, because when I go to bars alone (which is not that frequently) I am struck with a sense of self-conscious vulnerability. I'm thinking that everyone thinks I'm desperate because I'm that big girl, alone at the bar with a drink in her hand. Granted, no one is paying attention to me because they are with their friends. But still, I over freak out about it.

Well, I went to the bar and there weren't a lot of patrons there anyway. At first I was discouraged. I knew that I looked a helluva lot better tonight than I did two months ago. I knew that my stomach was narrowing, I was getting an hour glass figure, that I didn't have to worry about a double chin sneaking in my DMV picture today, that my arm fat jiggled less and my legs were getting really strong. I knew all of this, but I still got down. I figured that I didn't measure up to the super petite hot bartender and that I was still a long way from my personal health goals and an even longer way from the societal standard for beauty. I don't want to be a supermodel. I just want to have a nice clear bright face, shiny hair, white teeth and a non-obese figure. These are perfectly attainable goals!

A group of guys came into the bar and ordered drinks. The male bartender said "there is no one sitting from her on down." He was just exhibiting good customer service, but that is when I lost it. That’s right fellas, no one is sitting near me on either side. Then another terror ran through my body. What if one of these guys tried to talk to me. What would I do? What would I say? I began to freak out about this as I watched the women's Beach Volleyball match play on the flat screen in front of me.

As I picked up my Long Island for a sip, condensation ran down the glass and spattered on my leg. After about 10-15 spatters...I began to wonder if by the time I left this bar it would appear I peed myself.

I finally gave up, finished my drink and left...stopping at CVS for a sugary pick me up...nothing that would destroy my hard work but just something to induce endorphines.

As I walked home....alone...I thought about a few things. First of all, there weren't that many guys at the bar. It wasn't that I wasn't attractive, it just wasn't a good night for putting myself out there. Second of all, my looks weren't the problem, my attitude was. Granted I sat there with great posture, shoulders high...deep down I was worried about what others would think about me and if someone talked to me what I would say. I'm known as a master of words, I'm witty, scarcastic and can make even a surley elderly person laugh...but at that moment I was weak. I'd probably resort to my defense mechanism which involves me "bro-ing down" with the male speaking. I'd prolly look at him and say "this is my shit" and point to the Olympics or something. Because that is what I do. I bring myself down to the guy's level because that makes me feel more comfortable and yes....less attractive.

I over-thought it. I then decided that it wasn't just my body that wasn't in top shape for being on the prowl, it was my mind too. I'm doing the best I can for my health right now, but I still STILL feel the sting of hurtful words said to me by strangers who have called me fat, big, and considered me a grenade. Those days are way behind me but I can't seem to shake them. I'm not that girl anymore, but I'm also not the super sassy girl who thinks she's out of everyone's league.

I hate it when people patronize me with the usual “you’ll find someone when you least expect it” bullshit. I no longer wander the streets, staring into the eyes of every attractive person wondering if they are my soul mate. I quit online dating because I was typecasting every guy who messaged me and ruling even the average ones out due to several glaring flaws in my head. I’ve been focusing on self improvement and health and personal happiness and letting life take me where I need to go. However, I haven’t had opportunities to even accidentally find someone. I shouldn’t expect much since I look like hell after a workout and work with homeless women and children. Haha

Honestly, after all of this, I learned that I need to work on building confidence. I’m already repairing my body to make it better and stronger. But I need to repair my heart. For the longest time no one would even look in my direction unless they were elderly or homeless because of the way I looked and the attitude I had. Its time to change that. I need to convince myself that I’m not that big girl anymore. I’m healthier and getting sexier by the day. It’s just going to be a long process, however I’m grateful for the lessons learned tonight.

Until next time…

Wait...you got pregnant ON PURPOSE?

A few posts ago, I ranted about the velocity in which my friends are getting engaged, married, and popping out children. Today I will focus strictly on a rant regarding popping out children and of course, a philosophical take on FaceBook.

Every 20-something is going through this phase where pregnancies among one's social group is now a normal thing. I mean, let's face it...everyone is having babies. Its kind of funny, lately I think I'm being stalked by pregnant people I don't know. I think its because I'm hyper aware of pregnant women these days. Last night I had a dream about my pregnant college bestie (who is due a few days before my birthday). Pregnancy is EVERYWHERE.

Clearly that study on the news stating the US birth rate is declining was WRONG.

Anyway, Facebook...love it or hate it, our society is ADDICTED to it. You stalk people from Kindergarten to see if they're hot or not...you follow your college friends and post annually on their wall for their birthday...you creepily check out family members...etc. But Facebook is a megaphone for good news. See, users can filter the bad shit out of their lives and only post positive things on Facebook. This makes viewers believe that individual's life is PERFECT.

Think about it, you're on Facebook and all you see are pictures from vaycay in Europe, your ex-roomate's hot boyfriend, a very extravagant wedding, oh...yes...and ultrasound pictures with status updates like "OMG +1 SO EXCITED" followed by 50+ comments which all say "holy shit, congratulations"

Now, what you may not know about your "friends" who seem to have it all is that their dear Aunt Susan has cancer (unless they status a prayer request) or that their trip to Europe has now put them in a state of debt where they have to move back in with their parents. Or that their hot boyfriend just cheated on them with another guy. These are the updates you DON'T get to see on Facebook, rightly so because that's not classy.

So, back to babies. I have a point I swear. When damn near all your friends are posting positive pregnancy test pictures and ultrasound pictures of tiny fetus like peanuts or using the famous BABY TRACKER APP which states "3 weeks...my baby is the size of a pencil eraser omg" you start to wonder...am I doing something wrong?

There is an age old experiment where people get in an elevator and face the back wall. The one person that isn't in on the joke feels self-conscious and is like "but the doors are here...." Pressured by the need to conform, that person faces the back wall as well. They don't want to be an outsider and perhaps the wall facing riders know something he or she does not.

Conformity. We're at an era where people are having kids in their 20s and that is great, however Facebook makes it seem like EVERYONE IS DOING IT which is not so great. I have a decent salary paying job, I live in a 1 bedroom apartment in Center City Philadelphia, I'm in graduate school studying a craft I love and the only baby I see myself having anytime soon is my writing career....but am I doing it wrong? Like, should I be trying to nail down a man and pop out kids? DID THE INTERNAL BABY CLOCK SPEED UP AND NO ONE TOLD ME???? I'm in the elevator, knowing the doors open to the front but wondering why everyone is staring at the back wall.

Fear not friends, I am not going to go out and get knocked up. The majority of my "friends" who are preggers are actually in love with someone and want to raise a family. I'm in love with Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffee and I want to raise the world's awareness of myself. But it does make you wonder.

In my engagement rant post I stated I'll probably be that drunk grandmother sneaking martinis before noon...but perhaps I'll be that woman that has no family but many lovers. I'll have an annual lover name Gustavo who I hook up with every time I go to Italy. I won't get married....(or divorced) and I won't have to support kids (just my Boxer dog, Bronx and perhaps...my parents). I'll write until I die, drink until my liver gives out, and try a lot of things that my soon to be homemaker friends will never experience until their kid go to college. That sounds good to me.

Until next time...

The MisAdventures of MA

Groupon. I love it. I'm cheap as crap. As a social worker in the poor urban jungle, I make enough money but not enough where I can afford extravagant things. Which is why if I want my hair did, or my nails painted, or to go on a trip somewhere, I rely on Groupon, Living Social, Eversave and Deal You.

Which is why when a $45 cut, blow dry and color Groupon popped up I jumped at the opportunity. I've been dying my hair a Medium Chestnut Brown for the past few months. I love it but the color fades quickly, and I think salon color might last longer. Plus girlfriend needs to cover up her five-head with some bangs. So after researching the website and the Yelp reviews, I decided to go for it!

Today I went to schedule my appointment. I'm flying down to Ashville, NC in late August to visit a bestie of mine, so I wanted to look good. Welp, an African American lady answered the phone. I was like "oh shit."

Why do you ask was I like oh shit? Because after more research it appeared that I had purchased a Groupon for a black hair salon...which specializes in ethnic hair...which my hair is not. I panicked and consulted my co-workers. The lady that answered the phone had to call me back anyway. I could imagine her saying to her coworkers "There is a white lady on the phone!"

I don't care if a black lady does my hair. I just can't get a wrap, twist or weave. :) However, the lovely Groupon featured a blond haired blue eyed white chick as the picture on the ad. Also the website and Groupon stated that the salon SPECIALIZED IN ALL HAIR TYPES AND TEXTURES. Which made me think I was included.

Long story short, they called me back and I've got an appointment for August 11th. :) They do specialize in ALL hair types, it seems. I just thought it would have been an embarrassing conversation if it was an exclusive ethnic hair salon. "Hey, I'm cheap and wanted to get in on this Groupon but didn't realize it wasn't for my type of hair."

What can I say, I'm a magnet for misfortune. At least everything worked out for the best. To make it even better, I schedule a massage for that Sunday so I'm making it a self-care weekend. Can't beat that!

Until next time....