I woke up at 5:45am this morning, wide awake and well rested. Almost to the point where I considered getting up and going to work two hours early. Than I thought "nahh, I'd rather just listen to music and get up at 7." Of course the music was so relaxing that it made me fall back asleep so when my alarm went off to wake me up, I was grumpy and tired again. Such is life.
I got up and got my gear together and starting spazzing out because despite my tiredness I was WIRED. I had a billion thoughts circulating in my head at one time. I'm also very excited because tonight I'm going to see Matchbox 20 and Goo Goo Dolls in concert with my best friend. I haven't seen my best friend in a long time AND I haven't been to a concert lately. Both are exciting things to look forward to. Then tomorrow, I've got best friend's graduation party at a Brazilian Steakhouse in the burbs. All you can eat meat. All you can eat smoked salmon. All you can drink open bar. All paid for. Yeah, it is going to be dangerous. I'm trying to drink plenty of water and monitor my sodium consumption to keep it at a minimum until tomorrow's meat eating fest. Its going to be great.
So sometimes when I am going 1000 MPH, I still drink coffee with espresso. This morning I got my Dunkin Iced Coffee with a Turbo Shot. Occasionally it works like Ritalin, helping me slow down and focus. It is usually a 50/50 shot that it will work in the manner I want it to. Well, not today. I'm more hyper than ever. In fact, my first client this morning told me "Ms. Mary Anna, please take your time, sit down." I hate making people wait so I thanked her for the offer but continued to buzz around like a frantic bee. I then brought my breakfast to a meeting which fortunately got cancelled. (I was legit going to be like 'I'm sorry but I have to eat my oatmeal while we do this or I'll pass out).
Next weekend is birthday weekend. Best friend and I are going to a Phillies game birthday night. We scored 100 level seats for a decent price in right field. I'm going to get my name on the Jumbotron again and we're both going to focus so we can get a picture of it this year. Then we're going to Ray's Happy Birthday Bar for my free birthday shot and see where the night takes us. Good times.
Then BAM school starts up again. I'm taking Magazine Writing and Communication Law. 4 classes to go and I'm DONE with my MJ. Can't wait!
Until next time...
Friday, August 16, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Sometimes I just have to Stop, Hang My Head, Smile and Laugh
I swear to you that I am not bipolar. Even though, yesterday I was cursing out a frying pan and today I'm laughing my ass off. Much to my chagrin, the cosmos/fate have turned my frown upside down and today has been exponentially better than yesterday.
I went in late to work by choice because I didn't want to get up and was met by a beautiful crisp breeze, akin to fall weather, on my way to work. Alas, I got to work and was not a disgusting sweaty mess. This was a refreshing change from my daily grind. Oh, and I think my bus driver said "good morning, baby" when I boarded.
I threw myself into work to make up for the fact I did jack shit yesterday. I cleaned my office and it is now immaculate. I cleaned my desk off so it is now a functional work space. I got materials for my class today. (I teach school age kids problem solving skills and emotional recognition once a week). Today we made bagged ice cream in teams and it went very well. No big problems, the kids had a blast, and from what I hear the ice cream turned out great. Note to others: use half and half NOT milk, it works better.
I returned to my clean office, ready to complete goal #3 of the day, filing the mountain of paperwork into resident case files when I stop to look at Facebook. Now, I mentioned before that my Facebook "friends" are getting engaged, married, and popping out kids at a crazy fast rate but I saw a few more engagement announcements today and one surprised me.
You look at someone who is doing well for themselves, someone you've known for awhile back in the day. Someone who you wouldn't expect to be putting a ring on it and BAM that person is engaged. You have to stop, smile and laugh. It is a good, belly laugh of sorts that is followed by genuine congratulations. YOU are engaged to a beautiful person and I am a Lifetime drama of failed relationships. Karma. But I'm not bitter, I'm happy for that person. I'm just so amused and maybe even a little bit amazed you're beating me in the game of Life. haha (ok, not really because all games are different depending on the person BUT still).
So this instant turn around made me stop, see things clearer and realize something. I mentioned my horoscope said I'd "gain insight" about some stuff today. I guess it is true. My vulnerability and insecurity comes down to one thing: TRUST. I don't TRUST things will work out. I don't TRUST I'm in the right position. I don't TRUST enough. I thought it was my past experiences that caused me to "air on the side of caution." In a way, that is true but it comes down to TRUST. Trusting other people. Trusting fate. Trusting God. When you have no option but to wait and see what cards are in your next hand, you can't get anxious about it. You can't control it. You can't plan for it. You just have to TRUST that those cards are the ones meant to be dealt to you all along and regardless how epic or how awful the hand is, you're going to play it and you're going to be all right.
Laugh. Just laugh.
Until next time...
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
What Do You Do With Anger?
I am a pretty patient and peaceful person. I'm the person that lets little old ladies cut in line at the grocery store. I hold elevator doors for mothers with strollers. I say "thank you" to my bus driver every morning. When I get angry 7 times out of 10 it is at myself. Sometimes people or circumstances grind my gears but it usually takes a lot for me to reach that point.
But when I do get angry, its a chain reaction that sets me off into a downward spiral. When I get angry I also am anxious. I get mad at inanimate objects for no reason. I throw things. I kick things. When something simple doesn't go my way I lose it. One time I was having a really bad day and an egg fell off my egg shelf in my fridge onto the floor. I cleaned up the mess and somehow knocked the egg shelf again and ALL my eggs fell onto the kitchen floor. I flipped the F out. I cried, I screamed, I jumped up and down. I cried some more. It was eggs. $1.79, 10 minutes of cleaning, no big deal. But to me at that moment, it was a big deal.
Today is like that. I didn't accomplish a damn thing at work. I had some touchy conversations. I left work and one person rubbed me the wrong way on my commute. Then I got to CVS to run an errand and I started losing my patience. Then an ignorant person defied my personal space and I wanted to dropkick her right in the store. I stormed home, errands done. Then I find a shirt I ordered but cancelled right after ordering arrived and I was charged for it. So now I have to go through the hassle of returning said shirt to get my refund.
After watching a show and eating, I planned on dying my hair. As I did dishes I began to lose patience with the pot I was washing. Then I got angry because the paper towel barely ripped off. It is little things culminated with my pent up emotional frustration about things out of my control. If there was ever a night to have my own personal punching bag, tonight would be it. I'd rage so hard I'd probably want to pass out with exhaustion. But I can't kick or punch anything legally until Thursday and by then I'll be ok.
I'm impatient. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I finished my bottle of wine (like half a glass), started on a beer and I still feel like a ticking time bomb. I'm in a mood I'm rarely in. It is the kind of mood that if someone held me up at gunpoint I'd stare the barrel down. You're supposed to give them what they want and try to escape but I'm so fed up I'd just stare without blinking. No I do not have a death wish. I do not need therapy. I am just in my HULK mode and you do not want to mess with me.
So I'm not dying my hair. I'm not in a good place to be dealing with chemicals and such. I'd probably botch the dye job and spill shit everywhere. I should wait until tomorrow for that, maybe I'll be in a better frame of mind.
Until next time.....
But when I do get angry, its a chain reaction that sets me off into a downward spiral. When I get angry I also am anxious. I get mad at inanimate objects for no reason. I throw things. I kick things. When something simple doesn't go my way I lose it. One time I was having a really bad day and an egg fell off my egg shelf in my fridge onto the floor. I cleaned up the mess and somehow knocked the egg shelf again and ALL my eggs fell onto the kitchen floor. I flipped the F out. I cried, I screamed, I jumped up and down. I cried some more. It was eggs. $1.79, 10 minutes of cleaning, no big deal. But to me at that moment, it was a big deal.
Today is like that. I didn't accomplish a damn thing at work. I had some touchy conversations. I left work and one person rubbed me the wrong way on my commute. Then I got to CVS to run an errand and I started losing my patience. Then an ignorant person defied my personal space and I wanted to dropkick her right in the store. I stormed home, errands done. Then I find a shirt I ordered but cancelled right after ordering arrived and I was charged for it. So now I have to go through the hassle of returning said shirt to get my refund.
After watching a show and eating, I planned on dying my hair. As I did dishes I began to lose patience with the pot I was washing. Then I got angry because the paper towel barely ripped off. It is little things culminated with my pent up emotional frustration about things out of my control. If there was ever a night to have my own personal punching bag, tonight would be it. I'd rage so hard I'd probably want to pass out with exhaustion. But I can't kick or punch anything legally until Thursday and by then I'll be ok.
I'm impatient. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I finished my bottle of wine (like half a glass), started on a beer and I still feel like a ticking time bomb. I'm in a mood I'm rarely in. It is the kind of mood that if someone held me up at gunpoint I'd stare the barrel down. You're supposed to give them what they want and try to escape but I'm so fed up I'd just stare without blinking. No I do not have a death wish. I do not need therapy. I am just in my HULK mode and you do not want to mess with me.
So I'm not dying my hair. I'm not in a good place to be dealing with chemicals and such. I'd probably botch the dye job and spill shit everywhere. I should wait until tomorrow for that, maybe I'll be in a better frame of mind.
Until next time.....
Pure Talent. Pure Love
So I'm sure if you read Thought Catalog or the news or any kind of quirky website that highlights personal stories, you saw this:
Meet Neil Hilborn. He has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He found a woman who he fell in love with so much that she helped him without even trying. The video is viral at this point but his use of words, his talent, his raw emotion reminds me that new talent is born everyday. Neil's story is not a happy one, for his girlfriend became overwhelmed by his disorder and left him. The most captivating lines of his spoken word are "I leave the door unlocked. I even leave the lights on."
Now whether Neil actually leaves his door unlocked in case his girl comes back, or leaves the lights on so she knows he is home is a mute point. He probably doesn't because his disorder won't let him. However, those final lines of the poem just hit home. You can hear people's reactions as the "aww, wow." He found a way to express his longing, use his disorder, and convey through words exactly how he is feeling. As if his love for this girl overrides the ticks of his disorder. And it very well may.
Love is that powerful.
It was worth sharing. Talent is everywhere and can manifest from anything. All you have to do is channel it.
Until next time...
Meet Neil Hilborn. He has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He found a woman who he fell in love with so much that she helped him without even trying. The video is viral at this point but his use of words, his talent, his raw emotion reminds me that new talent is born everyday. Neil's story is not a happy one, for his girlfriend became overwhelmed by his disorder and left him. The most captivating lines of his spoken word are "I leave the door unlocked. I even leave the lights on."
Now whether Neil actually leaves his door unlocked in case his girl comes back, or leaves the lights on so she knows he is home is a mute point. He probably doesn't because his disorder won't let him. However, those final lines of the poem just hit home. You can hear people's reactions as the "aww, wow." He found a way to express his longing, use his disorder, and convey through words exactly how he is feeling. As if his love for this girl overrides the ticks of his disorder. And it very well may.
Love is that powerful.
It was worth sharing. Talent is everywhere and can manifest from anything. All you have to do is channel it.
Until next time...
Monday, August 12, 2013
Astrology
My horoscope for today:
Your detached approach won't be enough to get you through the day. You need to experience the uncertainty that goes with expressing the raw emotions that evade logic and rational thought. Any attempts to sidestep your truth will only cause more trouble down the road. Your mind is active, but you must avoid the temptation of reducing complex emotional networks into overly simplistic statements of fact. Feel your way today, instead.
My horoscope for the week:
This week you might have a breakthrough when it comes to matters of intimacy. Perhaps you harbor anxious feelings from past experiences that prevent you from getting too close to someone now -- even if you're in love with this person. If so, on Wednesday a sudden insight about what's holding you back from truly revealing yourself will help you push past this fear. The Moon in your 5th House of Romance will help foster this awakening this weekend, especially when it touches Pluto on Saturday.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does that even mean? I have to experience the uncertainty that goes with expressing the raw emotions that evade logic and rational thought? Um...I do that every freaking day. Every day there is anxiety and uncertainty about many things, including the things most important to me. Every day I dream big elaborate dreams about others, myself, life in general that completely evade logic and rational thought.
If I felt my way today, I'd allow myself to be angry, hurt, sad, and hopeless. But I didn't feel my way today. No, I cooked dinner for the residents at my work and they loved it. I put my energy into feeding others and getting through the work day. Now I'm about to go kick some ass at kickboxing despite the fact I'm dead tired. My mind might be active but focusing on the now is a lot better than over analyzing every interaction in my life.
As for the weekly outlook? Yes, I do harbor anxious feelings from past experiences. But I don't think they prevent me from getting close to people. I think it prevents me from smothering people and makes me air on the side of caution so I don't get my heart taken for granted, ripped out and destroyed which happens damn near every time I want to give my heart to someone. I look at the facts and yes, try to predict the future so I can spare myself the heartbreak now and just be somewhat prepared for impact. Because logic and rationality is what can prevent running, jumping, flying, falling and crashing. Facts are facts. The sooner you convince yourself of their existence the better off you'll be in the long run.
Go home, Horoscope. You're drunk.
Until next time...
Your detached approach won't be enough to get you through the day. You need to experience the uncertainty that goes with expressing the raw emotions that evade logic and rational thought. Any attempts to sidestep your truth will only cause more trouble down the road. Your mind is active, but you must avoid the temptation of reducing complex emotional networks into overly simplistic statements of fact. Feel your way today, instead.
My horoscope for the week:
This week you might have a breakthrough when it comes to matters of intimacy. Perhaps you harbor anxious feelings from past experiences that prevent you from getting too close to someone now -- even if you're in love with this person. If so, on Wednesday a sudden insight about what's holding you back from truly revealing yourself will help you push past this fear. The Moon in your 5th House of Romance will help foster this awakening this weekend, especially when it touches Pluto on Saturday.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does that even mean? I have to experience the uncertainty that goes with expressing the raw emotions that evade logic and rational thought? Um...I do that every freaking day. Every day there is anxiety and uncertainty about many things, including the things most important to me. Every day I dream big elaborate dreams about others, myself, life in general that completely evade logic and rational thought.
If I felt my way today, I'd allow myself to be angry, hurt, sad, and hopeless. But I didn't feel my way today. No, I cooked dinner for the residents at my work and they loved it. I put my energy into feeding others and getting through the work day. Now I'm about to go kick some ass at kickboxing despite the fact I'm dead tired. My mind might be active but focusing on the now is a lot better than over analyzing every interaction in my life.
As for the weekly outlook? Yes, I do harbor anxious feelings from past experiences. But I don't think they prevent me from getting close to people. I think it prevents me from smothering people and makes me air on the side of caution so I don't get my heart taken for granted, ripped out and destroyed which happens damn near every time I want to give my heart to someone. I look at the facts and yes, try to predict the future so I can spare myself the heartbreak now and just be somewhat prepared for impact. Because logic and rationality is what can prevent running, jumping, flying, falling and crashing. Facts are facts. The sooner you convince yourself of their existence the better off you'll be in the long run.
Go home, Horoscope. You're drunk.
Until next time...
Sunday, August 11, 2013
I Just Need A Second. Ok I'm Good.
I almost did a terrible thing today. I ALMOST regressed into the state of paranoia that I used to experience whenever I saw mass quantities of people getting engaged and having kids on Facebook. Yes, there was a time when I was actually worried that I wasn't keeping up with the Jones' and doing everything backwards. But, then I did a lot of soul searching and reached a nice and cozy point of self-acceptance that what I'm doing right now is what is right for me. It might not be right for most of my peers but it works for me and I am happy.
But damn, I almost relapsed. A slewwwww of people got engaged this weekend. One or two announced their pregnancies. It is funny, many of my friends up here in Philly are amazed that I know so many people getting hitched and popping kids. They are sometimes dubious that I can find out about seven engagements in one weekend with four of the individuals being younger than me. But for realsies, it happens all the time. I'm at the point, thankfully, where I'm either like "OMG I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY FOR YOUUUU" which I am or "Hmmm, that is interesting" or "already?" Despite any given reaction, I still do the obligatory Facebook *like* to let them know I care.
Whew that was a close one. Congratulations kids, I am very happy for you!
On an unrelated note, I think I smile more at dogs than I do at small children when I'm walking. Now, that might mean something is wrong with me. haha
Until next time...
But damn, I almost relapsed. A slewwwww of people got engaged this weekend. One or two announced their pregnancies. It is funny, many of my friends up here in Philly are amazed that I know so many people getting hitched and popping kids. They are sometimes dubious that I can find out about seven engagements in one weekend with four of the individuals being younger than me. But for realsies, it happens all the time. I'm at the point, thankfully, where I'm either like "OMG I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY FOR YOUUUU" which I am or "Hmmm, that is interesting" or "already?" Despite any given reaction, I still do the obligatory Facebook *like* to let them know I care.
Whew that was a close one. Congratulations kids, I am very happy for you!
On an unrelated note, I think I smile more at dogs than I do at small children when I'm walking. Now, that might mean something is wrong with me. haha
Until next time...
Thursday, August 8, 2013
This is What MA Did at Work Today
Today I spent a large portion of the day cutting out giraffe heads/necks/bodies. This is my tailless giraffe, aka tonight's Family Literacy Craft as we read "Giraffe's Can't Dance." I hope my program will have many attendees for I feel I could have spent more time doing actual work and less time cutting out giraffe heads.
Yesterday I built a bike. I stayed late at work to use my office as a work space and assembled a genuine 26" wheel women's mountain bike BY MYSELF without help. Of course the chain popped within 3 minutes of riding but that was already installed therefore I don't blame my handiwork for that one. I think it is just a matter of tweaking the chain and learning how to gear shift correctly. I haven't had a bike with functional gears since college.
Speaking of college, I called to update my contact information for this epic alumni directory thing. Yeah...that costs over $100 for the stupid hardback book. I'm all for nostalgia but I am one stack of shit away from an episode of Hoarders. Ergo, I bought the book for networking reasons. They're listing where everyone works and how to reach them so I can stalk media people from any class year (if they call in and buy the book). Networking is expensive these days...
This weekend I've got bike rides, yoga, kickboxing, and a hair appointment on the books. Got to stay busy and stay motivated. I'm trying to read my "Telling the Joke" stand-up comedy book each day because my goal is to perform in an open mic night by October. I'm sick and tired of dreaming and dreaming and just letting those dreams be dreams. I've got the charisma and the talent to succeed in local stand up comedy, regional writing competitions, and I believe entrepreneurial journalism.
One of the five or so reasons for this ambitious/motivational drive is the realization I wasted the first half of my summer watching Netflix and eating entire pints of ice cream by myself. While these activities proved to be enjoyable they were also toxic to my health. So I've taken to writing every day and reading new and interesting things and cooking new recipes and building bikes and working out in various avenues. I'm sticking to Skinny Cow Ice Cream and limiting my Netflix viewing to a few hours a week. Summer is coming to a close and school grind is about to pick up. This is my last year of graduate school so gotta tackle the bull by the horns with renewed energy.
Until next time...
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
This song is so beautiful and perfect it makes me want to cry
All Of Me
[Verse]
What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright
[Bridge]
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
[Chorus]
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all, all of me
And you give me all, all of you
[Verse]
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every move
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, I my head for you
[Bridge]
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
[Chorus]
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all, all of you
Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it’s hard
[Chorus]
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you
I give you all, all of me
And you give me all, all of you
What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright
[Bridge]
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
[Chorus]
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all, all of me
And you give me all, all of you
[Verse]
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every move
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, I my head for you
[Bridge]
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
[Chorus]
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all, all of you
Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it’s hard
[Chorus]
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you
I give you all, all of me
And you give me all, all of you
-------------
Looking forward to September 3rd when his 20 song album drops. I bet the rest of the album will move me too.
Until next time...
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Eye Tracking & Brain Tracking
So you know when you're watching a fast paced event, like a hockey match or something? Well, your eyes dart back at forth, attempting to track all of the movement which is taking place. I'd like to think that your brain does that in an attempt to track all of your thoughts at any given time. But when you're thinking 1000 things and feeling at least seven different emotions at once, your brain feels like it might explode.
That sums up my current state of affairs. I've got a bike coming in that I'm going to be assembling by myself and hopefully riding by the weekend. I have various gifts to buy people. I have school starting up in three weeks. I turn 26 in 18 days. I'm entering a manuscript poetry contest which has a deadline in less than a month. My Twitter has been poppin for reasons unbeknownst to me. I'm writing almost daily. Things at work have been changing rapidly.
Also, I'm questioning whether our careful precautionary movements regarding Yemen and the Middle East/North Africa are strong preventative measures or interpreted as weakness in the eyes of the enemy. Al Qaeda probably feel like a bunch of smug puppies since their serious and credible threats are enough to shut down U.S. Embassies and clear all Americans out of Yemen. Of course I am for the safety of the American people. But I can't help thinking how this looks weak. Sure we send some drones over the "badlands" and knockout a few operatives but I would be willing to bet that despite, this Al Qaeda feels pretty strong and pretty threatening.
Lot's of thoughts. My heart is somewhere else and my brain is functioning at 56% capacity. Such is life.
Until next time...
Saturday, August 3, 2013
I've got Cilantro, Lemons and Limes....Now What?
Today was a day of mini adventures. The first being my resolve to get up very early and truck on down to NoLibs for a free outdoor yoga class. The class ran 9-10 and I had kickboxing 10-11 and the two exercise venues are in adjacent neighborhoods so I thought, hey...let's do a double workout.
I did. It was hard and it rained the whole time. I did yoga with over 60 other people in the Piazza, in the rain. It was pretty awesome. I don't mind yoga classes where instructors creep up behind you and next thing you know their hands are on your hips positioning them in a direction you didn't want them to go. That happened several times. Downward dog hurts when you're doing it on concrete....yoga mat and yoga towel and all. Also I got really acquainted with my knees and decided I didn't like how they look. They're pudgy and full of cellulite. Got to work on that. Anyway, after having raindrops land in my ears and eyes and everywhere else, 10:02 rolled around and we didn't seem to be anywhere near Shavasana. The instructor kept telling us to "stop taking ourselves so damn seriously." I thought yoga wasn't a laughing matter so I'm pretty sure I had an angry/concentrating face on the whole time. She was setting up for "Boat" pose and it looked like something I didn't want to do/would hurt. So I decided to pack up my gear and book it to kickboxing. Adjuster/Instructor smiled at me as I left, and I mouthed "Sorry I have to go." I managed to tell her "thanks" and commit to attending next week before leaving.
I got to kickboxing and missed the warm up but considering I just warmed up for an hour I was good to go. Stiff despite the fact I was promised "I would be standing taller today" I made it though the workout. I left Kboxing and headed to Reading Terminal Market in search of reasonably priced and delicious produce.
Iovine Produce was hopping, as it always is. So I had to try really hard not to whack people in the back with my yoga mat. I picked up a selection of fruit and some vegetables and that is when I saw it. I saw the largest watermelon I have ever seen in my entire life. I must have gawked at it for a good 3-5 minutes. I ran over all the scenarios in my head as to how I could get it home. I'm on public transit, my hands and arms and shoulders already full. There was no way me and this watermelon were going to get home without one of us getting injured.
It was so big and beautiful. (That's what she said hahaha). I had a friend that once said "If there was ever someone who would try to live off of watermelon alone it would be Mary Anna." He was right. I can eat my way through an entire watermelon by myself in one week. I love it. This giant watermelon was the watermelon of all watermelons. I saw it as a challenge. It could feed me for TWO weeks! It was only $5. Next to the watermelons on steroids sat cantaloupes on steroids. They were only $3.49 and looked more manageable in terms of transit. I needed to pick one up to smell it but the big one I wanted was wedged under a bunch of other ones. I didn't want to knock down the whole display. I considered bending down to sniff the big one I wanted but I didn't want people to think I was crazy. That's how I tell if they are ripe or not. You can tell from the scent!
After deliberating for what felt like hours but in truth was only a few minutes, I left the watermelon behind. I then went to search for lemons, limes and cilantro. I'm making a pan-seared avocado/chicken dish on Sunday and I needed a few citrus fruits as well as the potent herb. Catch 22 is, I never bought cilantro before in my life! I had consumed it, seen it, probably even smelled it. But I never picked it out of a basket of various herbs.
In the herb section, almost everything looked the same. I was thankful for my 4+ years of food service training. This allowed me to identify the Parksley. I pulled out something that looked cilantro-like and well...smelled it. It smelled like mint leaves and I only know that smell because my friend grows mint and we make mojitos with it. (You never know what experiences in life will give you lasting knowledge). I finally gave up and tapped the nice lady who was restocking the herbs and asked "Excuse me, could you please point out the cilantro?" She grunted and pointed her finger and an herb I didn't even consider to be what I needed. I thanked her, grabbed a bushel and sniffed it. It was quite potent. It was also a lot of cilantro for one person. I bought it anyway.
So after this adventure I passed the watermelon one last time, casting a longing glance at it as I walked away. I checked out and headed home. Of course the bus driver blew past my departure stop....at least I didn't have the watermelon.
I meant to put the produce away but somehow found myself in an epic death nap lasting 2.5 hours. I swear I just sat down on my couch and BAM I was out. I woke up around 3 and decided to embark on adventure #3....getting my Ray-Bans from the Post Office. But first I had to Google how to store cilantro (and avocadoes). I found a good method, cut my stems, placed them in a jar and covered the leaves with a plastic bag. After this I found my hands smelled strongly of cilantro.
Despite this I knew I had to get the Ray-Bans so I put the cilantro away and walked leisurely down to the giant post office and stood in an epically long line until I did something accidental but miraculous. I waved my pickup slip in a certain direction and next thing I know, the Postman has me jumping the line, cruising past 14 people to retrieve my package. At last, my Ray-Ban Wayfarers and I were united.
Much like my aviator adventures, I tore the box open and wore them on my way home, occasionally sniffing the cilantro smell from my hands...
I stopped at Trader Joe's for my breakfast burrito (dinner) necessities and then continued home. My hands still smell like cilantro. I now have 3 lemons, 3 limes and enough cilantro to feed a restaurant. I seriously want to Google "I've got lemons, limes and cilantro...now what?" My Ray-Bans are great, but now smell like cilantro too.
Also, I can't stop thinking about that watermelon I left behind. I have decided to retrieve it tomorrow with an empty backpack to carry it home in. I get a student discount on Sunday too. The current status of my produce-packed fridge worries me. There is no room for watermelon. But where there is a will there is a way. It is happening.
Until next time...
I did. It was hard and it rained the whole time. I did yoga with over 60 other people in the Piazza, in the rain. It was pretty awesome. I don't mind yoga classes where instructors creep up behind you and next thing you know their hands are on your hips positioning them in a direction you didn't want them to go. That happened several times. Downward dog hurts when you're doing it on concrete....yoga mat and yoga towel and all. Also I got really acquainted with my knees and decided I didn't like how they look. They're pudgy and full of cellulite. Got to work on that. Anyway, after having raindrops land in my ears and eyes and everywhere else, 10:02 rolled around and we didn't seem to be anywhere near Shavasana. The instructor kept telling us to "stop taking ourselves so damn seriously." I thought yoga wasn't a laughing matter so I'm pretty sure I had an angry/concentrating face on the whole time. She was setting up for "Boat" pose and it looked like something I didn't want to do/would hurt. So I decided to pack up my gear and book it to kickboxing. Adjuster/Instructor smiled at me as I left, and I mouthed "Sorry I have to go." I managed to tell her "thanks" and commit to attending next week before leaving.
I got to kickboxing and missed the warm up but considering I just warmed up for an hour I was good to go. Stiff despite the fact I was promised "I would be standing taller today" I made it though the workout. I left Kboxing and headed to Reading Terminal Market in search of reasonably priced and delicious produce.
Iovine Produce was hopping, as it always is. So I had to try really hard not to whack people in the back with my yoga mat. I picked up a selection of fruit and some vegetables and that is when I saw it. I saw the largest watermelon I have ever seen in my entire life. I must have gawked at it for a good 3-5 minutes. I ran over all the scenarios in my head as to how I could get it home. I'm on public transit, my hands and arms and shoulders already full. There was no way me and this watermelon were going to get home without one of us getting injured.
It was so big and beautiful. (That's what she said hahaha). I had a friend that once said "If there was ever someone who would try to live off of watermelon alone it would be Mary Anna." He was right. I can eat my way through an entire watermelon by myself in one week. I love it. This giant watermelon was the watermelon of all watermelons. I saw it as a challenge. It could feed me for TWO weeks! It was only $5. Next to the watermelons on steroids sat cantaloupes on steroids. They were only $3.49 and looked more manageable in terms of transit. I needed to pick one up to smell it but the big one I wanted was wedged under a bunch of other ones. I didn't want to knock down the whole display. I considered bending down to sniff the big one I wanted but I didn't want people to think I was crazy. That's how I tell if they are ripe or not. You can tell from the scent!
After deliberating for what felt like hours but in truth was only a few minutes, I left the watermelon behind. I then went to search for lemons, limes and cilantro. I'm making a pan-seared avocado/chicken dish on Sunday and I needed a few citrus fruits as well as the potent herb. Catch 22 is, I never bought cilantro before in my life! I had consumed it, seen it, probably even smelled it. But I never picked it out of a basket of various herbs.
In the herb section, almost everything looked the same. I was thankful for my 4+ years of food service training. This allowed me to identify the Parksley. I pulled out something that looked cilantro-like and well...smelled it. It smelled like mint leaves and I only know that smell because my friend grows mint and we make mojitos with it. (You never know what experiences in life will give you lasting knowledge). I finally gave up and tapped the nice lady who was restocking the herbs and asked "Excuse me, could you please point out the cilantro?" She grunted and pointed her finger and an herb I didn't even consider to be what I needed. I thanked her, grabbed a bushel and sniffed it. It was quite potent. It was also a lot of cilantro for one person. I bought it anyway.
So after this adventure I passed the watermelon one last time, casting a longing glance at it as I walked away. I checked out and headed home. Of course the bus driver blew past my departure stop....at least I didn't have the watermelon.
I meant to put the produce away but somehow found myself in an epic death nap lasting 2.5 hours. I swear I just sat down on my couch and BAM I was out. I woke up around 3 and decided to embark on adventure #3....getting my Ray-Bans from the Post Office. But first I had to Google how to store cilantro (and avocadoes). I found a good method, cut my stems, placed them in a jar and covered the leaves with a plastic bag. After this I found my hands smelled strongly of cilantro.
Despite this I knew I had to get the Ray-Bans so I put the cilantro away and walked leisurely down to the giant post office and stood in an epically long line until I did something accidental but miraculous. I waved my pickup slip in a certain direction and next thing I know, the Postman has me jumping the line, cruising past 14 people to retrieve my package. At last, my Ray-Ban Wayfarers and I were united.
Much like my aviator adventures, I tore the box open and wore them on my way home, occasionally sniffing the cilantro smell from my hands...
I stopped at Trader Joe's for my breakfast burrito (dinner) necessities and then continued home. My hands still smell like cilantro. I now have 3 lemons, 3 limes and enough cilantro to feed a restaurant. I seriously want to Google "I've got lemons, limes and cilantro...now what?" My Ray-Bans are great, but now smell like cilantro too.
Also, I can't stop thinking about that watermelon I left behind. I have decided to retrieve it tomorrow with an empty backpack to carry it home in. I get a student discount on Sunday too. The current status of my produce-packed fridge worries me. There is no room for watermelon. But where there is a will there is a way. It is happening.
Until next time...
Friday, August 2, 2013
I Have an Unnatural Obsession With Ray-Bans
Today's post is inspired by my bizarre love for Ray-Bans. I'm not really a materialistic brand girl. Yes I own a few Apple products, and yes I have a Samsung Galaxy S3. I do enjoying coveting the occasional Victoria Secret bag with the PINK label emblazoned on the front. I'd enjoy their bras more if I didn't fit the largest size they offer during the semi-annual sale aka the only time MA can afford VS bras. My jeans tend to come from places like Marshall's, Burlington Coat Factory and Ross. I refuse to pay more than $10 for a t-shirt unless its a custom made "Haters Gonna Hate" T-shirt from Cafe Press.
I was raised on the clearance rack at Kmart. I learned the value of stretching the dollar. That economical common sense lasted way into adult hood. Sure there were times when I really wanted to shop at A&F (they hate fat people btw) or own a Coach purse, but I can't justify paying a crap ton of money just for the brand name. I remember in college, a bunch of girls and I went to the outlets. One girl was in a Coach store and she held up two, nearly identical brown Coach wristlets. "They're on sale! They're only $300 a piece!"
DAFUQ?
I went though a phase where I almost bought a designer purse but I just couldn't justify spending $250 on a handbag. I could buy several cases of beer, my favorite vodka, a Phillies t-shirt, and some cute thrift store jeans and still have money left over to pay my utilities and buy groceries. I couldn't bring myself to do it.
But there is ONE BRAND that is my weakness. One brand that makes me feel invincible when I serve as a walking billboard for their product, and that brand is Ray-Ban. I remember when I bought my first pair of aviators. I got them through a deal on Tippr.com (Ever the thrift-saver). The typically $150 sunglasses were mailed to my dwelling (after a long and agonizing wait) at the reasonable price of $55. Yes. I paid $55 for a pair of sunglasses and I felt so grown up and proud. Gone were the days of rocking cheap $14 over-sized "bitch goggles" as an old friend used to say. I am an adult and I can afford adult things.
I wear my aviators ALL THE TIME. I also value the expensiveness of them and haven't broken them like my many cheap pairs. This is not to say that Ray-Ban is just that sturdy, because I'm pretty sure one wrong sit down accident and they'd be toast. But I care about them more because I spent so much money on them.
Which is why my obsession grew and a year later I found myself stalking deals for Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. "I just need the Wayfarers and I'll be good. Then I can switch between the aviators and the Wayfarers!" So I found another deal. This time I paid $63 for them and they should arrive today. I'm so excited. I'm like a little kid on Christmas morning waiting for these $63 sunglasses that have the tiny little Ray-Ban insignia written on the top left corner of the glasses. (Along with Ray-Ban on the arm).
I'm trying to convince myself that this is it. I can't be dropping $50 on sunglasses. That is at least a case of beer and one of my utility bills. However while shopping for my Wayfarers (classic black) I fell in love with an orange framed Wayfarer pair with blue/grey gradient tint shades. I WANT THEM. They were $122 + shipping and no deal. I can't justify my love for that price but I can stalk the shit out of them until I find another impeccable deal that will allow me to purchase them and add them to my obsessive collection!
Until next time...
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Random Thoughts on a Rainy Thursday
If you listen to 90's emo music on a rainy day, it might actually make you feel better, or at least feel like the music fits your tired and blah mood.
Sometimes I wish I worked shift work again because you would randomly get days off in the middle of the week. Sometimes I even miss dining services or basic customer service work (like my sweet job as a supervisor at W&M's Campus Recreation Center). Oftentimes I think I could actually be happier as a waitress in a backwoods diner. Not forever, but long enough to get a journalism job.
I don't think I'm ever going to be able to pay off my student loan debt, nor buy my Kia Soul I want, nor buy a house.
I wish I could buy houses in bad neighborhoods, flip them, and rent them out as the neighborhood is gentrified. There is good money in that market but I wouldn't know where to begin. That and I assume if I'm going to buy a house, perhaps it should be one I live in first.
I love Philadelphia and it is truly home to me.
I have to eat a really light dinner before I kick box otherwise the intense cardio gives me indigestion and makes the exercise a not so pleasant experience.
Reading news from different parts of the world about America is an interesting experience.
I guess that is all for now. I should probably focus on my work.
Until next time...
Sometimes I wish I worked shift work again because you would randomly get days off in the middle of the week. Sometimes I even miss dining services or basic customer service work (like my sweet job as a supervisor at W&M's Campus Recreation Center). Oftentimes I think I could actually be happier as a waitress in a backwoods diner. Not forever, but long enough to get a journalism job.
I don't think I'm ever going to be able to pay off my student loan debt, nor buy my Kia Soul I want, nor buy a house.
I wish I could buy houses in bad neighborhoods, flip them, and rent them out as the neighborhood is gentrified. There is good money in that market but I wouldn't know where to begin. That and I assume if I'm going to buy a house, perhaps it should be one I live in first.
I love Philadelphia and it is truly home to me.
I have to eat a really light dinner before I kick box otherwise the intense cardio gives me indigestion and makes the exercise a not so pleasant experience.
Reading news from different parts of the world about America is an interesting experience.
I guess that is all for now. I should probably focus on my work.
Until next time...
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Deconstruction
Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is my favorite poem of all time. I can't remember where I found it or when, but I knew I loved the words, the images and the seamless flow from stanza to stanza. Ironically, it took me years to truly understand exactly what the poem means. At first glance, it reads as a sweet and passionate love poem. The final stanza has the reader thinking "awwww." But when carefully examined, you see there is more to this poem that meets the eye. Yes, it is a love poem. But it details a special, sacred kind of love. This is not puppy love or a crush or infatuation or lust. This is 100% genuine love.
Neruda begins by telling his beloved he does not love her as if she were a beautiful gem or crystal rock. He loves her as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret between body and soul. Between body and soul? That is a deep rooted place. This love isn't hailed from the treetops or embellished with material declarations. It is a private and secret love.
Neruda loves what he can't see but knows exists. The plant that never blooms but carries within itself the light of hidden flowers. Mystery. The scent of these hidden flowers lives within him. He and his love are integrated, combined, together, within each other.
True love is unselfish. ("Love does not boast...etc"). If you are really, truly in love with someone, you tell them you love them for the sole reason of letting them hear the words fall from your lips. You do not tell them to hear the words back. You do not say it for a reaction. You state the fact and are content with that. This third stanza encapsulates what true love feels like. When you love someone without knowing how or when or from where. You know it comes from deep inside you but you love them with ALL of you so it is hard to pinpoint a place. You know it is love but you don't know why. There is not ONE reason. You just DO. You love without complexities and pride. This is the only way you know how to love.
The final stanza brings the message home. That two people are so in love they become one. The cliche is "Two become one" and we hear it in poems and songs and stories and in movies. But Neruda puts this cliche into the most elegant words. "Than this: where I does not exist, nor you. So close that your hand on my chest is my hand. So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep." I feel this is the type of phenomenon that occurs with elderly couples who have been together for decades. This could happen with new love too, but like a petulant child, love begins immature and grows wise over time.
Such a beautiful poem. It takes careful thought and analysis to truly appreciate how hard Pablo Neruda can hit home when it comes to true and unselfish love.
Until next time...
Monday, July 29, 2013
Adventures in Online Retail Therapy
For today I dropped a healthy sum at Urban Outfitters and then received my annual employee evaluation. It was decent but it did not live up to my overachieving standards, thus I was disappointed with my review score. Channeling this disappointment, I purchased my beloved Ray-Ban Wayfarers that I've been eyeing all summer. All I had to do was sign up for an e-mail list for Amazon Shoes and I got a 20% coupon to use which knocked my Ray-Bans down a lot. Two years ago I purchased Ray-Ban Aviators from an online deal site. I got the pricey spectacles for a mere $55. My Wayfarers cost me $63 with free shipping. That is a deal.
Now I sit here, mildly sated yet still upset about my review. I'm a little concerned about that credit card debt I just racked up in a mere 24 hours. However, I'm excited that now I have a parade of purchases to look forward to. There is something to be said for coming home and finding a package on your doorstep with your name on the front. This "high" should last at least two weeks since I ordered so many items.
I don't typically resort to retail therapy in an effort to cope with my emotions, but somehow I feel this shopping spree was validated.
Until next time...
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
25 Year Old Wisdom
7 Things That Will Inevitably Happen To You:
1. Friends will stop being your friends for no reason. They will legit just drop off the face of the earth without a farewell and you'll struggle for awhile to hold them close. Eventually you will come to accept the fact that your friendship is over, with no rhyme or reason and you will move on to make new friends. As Macklemore says "You'll meet people whose paths intersect but you don't know how long you'll walk with them."
2. You will fall in love with "the wrong person" and begin to question whether or not they are really that "wrong" after all. The whole situation will come out of nowhere. It will seem improbable. Then you'll find yourself immersed in a love affair with someone who regardless how long they stay with you, will change your life.
3. You will compare yourself to your friends, because thanks to social media you know more about them then you ever wanted to know. There will be a point where if female you will feel pressured to get married and pop out children. If you're male, you'll be striving to land that perfect job so you can buy a nice car and find a woman to take care of. You will reach a point where you either cave into the pressure or defy these "social media norms" and live your own life the way you want to.
4. You will procrastinate on your ambitions. You will think "I have my whole life for that" without realizing life can change in an instant. That novel, song, painting, dance group, book club, invention...that you've been putting off will need to take precedence in your life to become a reality. You're not immortal and your talents may shift and change as you grow older.
5. Your mentors, parents, favorite teachers will get older and retire and this will SCARE you. You'll realize the older people you love have crossed the mountain peak of life and are now headed on the downhill slide. You'll see your parents forget things. You'll see them wince when they get out of a chair. You'll see your favorite high school teacher retire. People around you will age, and it will make you nervous but you will eventually accept it.
6. It will take forever to pay off your student loan debt. Especially if you went for a Masters Degree. Keep telling yourself it was worth it, because in truth, it was. My grandmother always used to say, "No one can take your education away from you."
7. You will eventually be persuaded to join civic groups like neighborhood councils, city coalitions, cleanup, renovation, revitalization groups. It is called adulthood. Do your part.
1. Friends will stop being your friends for no reason. They will legit just drop off the face of the earth without a farewell and you'll struggle for awhile to hold them close. Eventually you will come to accept the fact that your friendship is over, with no rhyme or reason and you will move on to make new friends. As Macklemore says "You'll meet people whose paths intersect but you don't know how long you'll walk with them."
2. You will fall in love with "the wrong person" and begin to question whether or not they are really that "wrong" after all. The whole situation will come out of nowhere. It will seem improbable. Then you'll find yourself immersed in a love affair with someone who regardless how long they stay with you, will change your life.
3. You will compare yourself to your friends, because thanks to social media you know more about them then you ever wanted to know. There will be a point where if female you will feel pressured to get married and pop out children. If you're male, you'll be striving to land that perfect job so you can buy a nice car and find a woman to take care of. You will reach a point where you either cave into the pressure or defy these "social media norms" and live your own life the way you want to.
4. You will procrastinate on your ambitions. You will think "I have my whole life for that" without realizing life can change in an instant. That novel, song, painting, dance group, book club, invention...that you've been putting off will need to take precedence in your life to become a reality. You're not immortal and your talents may shift and change as you grow older.
5. Your mentors, parents, favorite teachers will get older and retire and this will SCARE you. You'll realize the older people you love have crossed the mountain peak of life and are now headed on the downhill slide. You'll see your parents forget things. You'll see them wince when they get out of a chair. You'll see your favorite high school teacher retire. People around you will age, and it will make you nervous but you will eventually accept it.
6. It will take forever to pay off your student loan debt. Especially if you went for a Masters Degree. Keep telling yourself it was worth it, because in truth, it was. My grandmother always used to say, "No one can take your education away from you."
7. You will eventually be persuaded to join civic groups like neighborhood councils, city coalitions, cleanup, renovation, revitalization groups. It is called adulthood. Do your part.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Thought for the Evening
When I'm not sure what to say or how to say things, I rely on someone else. Here is Sara Bareilles:
1000 Times
Back of the room
Looking at you
Counting the steps
Between us
A hundred and five
Little blades in a line
From your skin to mine
And I feel it
Eyes on the ground
But I can't look up now
Don't wanna give it away
My secret
In another life,
My teeth and tongue
Would speak aloud what until now
I've only sung
Cause I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry each and every time
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
You can make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
(Hey Hey)
Kiss me goodnight
Like a good friend might
I'll do the same
But won't mean it
Cause love is a cage
These words on a page
Carry the pain
They don't free it
In another life
I wouldn't need to
Console myself
As I resign to release you
Cause I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry each and every time
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
You can make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
Again again
I let it go, let it go
Cover my mouth
Don't let a single word slip out
Wouldn't wanna tell you, no
Tell you, no
Nothing could be worse
Than the risk of
Losing what I don't have now
And we could buy the minute, though
Is it so bad if I wanna cry out
That I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry almost every time
But I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
Make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
I would come back 1000 times (Hey yeah)
I would come back 1000 times
Until next time.....
1000 Times
Back of the room
Looking at you
Counting the steps
Between us
A hundred and five
Little blades in a line
From your skin to mine
And I feel it
Eyes on the ground
But I can't look up now
Don't wanna give it away
My secret
In another life,
My teeth and tongue
Would speak aloud what until now
I've only sung
Cause I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry each and every time
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
You can make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
(Hey Hey)
Kiss me goodnight
Like a good friend might
I'll do the same
But won't mean it
Cause love is a cage
These words on a page
Carry the pain
They don't free it
In another life
I wouldn't need to
Console myself
As I resign to release you
Cause I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry each and every time
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
You can make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
Again again
I let it go, let it go
Cover my mouth
Don't let a single word slip out
Wouldn't wanna tell you, no
Tell you, no
Nothing could be worse
Than the risk of
Losing what I don't have now
And we could buy the minute, though
Is it so bad if I wanna cry out
That I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry almost every time
But I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
Make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
I would come back 1000 times (Hey yeah)
I would come back 1000 times
Until next time.....
Sunday, July 7, 2013
A Little Bit of Blah
The Fourth of July was like any other 4th with the exception of its ending. I went down to the Parkway for the typical festivities, retrieved some free WaWa beverages and proceeded to go home to my air conditioning to make adult beverages. Around 6 I headed down to the concerts and fireworks. I was pretty excited to see J. Cole, Ne-Yo, Hunter Hayes and the Roots. I parked my behind on a curb right in front of the jumbotron. I didn't want to head down towards the stage because the seating area is really blocked off, you can't see anything and I tried to win seats this year and that failed. My spot was nice except for after about 2.5 hours sitting on a curb in shorts, adjusting into every position imaginable, my butt hurt and I was sweating everywhere.
Alas, the concert ended and I made my way to the middle of the Parkway to watch the fireworks. As I stepped over some girl's outstretched legs, someone yelled "Hey!" Turns out, a friend from college who graduated the year before me was attending the fireworks as well and she recognized me! I was really glad to see her and we caught up for a few minutes before the fireworks started.
The show was spectacular until I heard screaming coming from my right. I looked over and saw the crowd of people screaming and running towards me. "He's got a gun! He's got a gun!" someone yelled in a panic.
I was in the dead center of the Parkway. Oddly enough I was calm. I knew I had to move because I'd risk getting trampled if I stayed put. The "threat" was the last thing on my mind. As I turned to seek an open area to the left of the Parkway, I power walked through debris and checked for people on the ground. The whole time I kept saying in my head "Don't fall. Don't fall. Don't trip. Don't fall." If I did either of these things, I'd surely be injured. I made it to the side of the Parkway without incident. People were running and crying everywhere. I found a woman bent over trying to stand up. I put my hand on her back and tried to stay with her to see if I could help her up. As I moved to the front of her, another wave of panicked people came rushing towards us and I had to move. I wasn't able to help her as she fell down again.
The Parkway was littered with coolers, chairs, bottles, shoes, pretty much everything imaginable. I meandered closer to the Art Museum so I could watch the Grand Finale of the fireworks. As they ended I made my way home, fortunate enough to run into my friend from college and her group. She was fine, we hugged and said we were happy to see each other and catch up.
The scene on my way home was something out of a movie. People crying. Mother's crying hysterically because they had lost their kid in the fray. Children crying because they lost their mothers. People's nerves shattered. Police and fire trucks everywhere. I never cried, I never panicked and I was never worried about getting shot or blown to bits. I'm glad I stayed calm in the face of panic, but I worry my response wasn't as "flight" as it should be. Am I that desensitized to violence in Philadelphia?
Friday came and went, a quiet day at work with limited staff, for smart people called out to have a four day weekend. Then it was the weekend.
I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I've been real lethargic and just, unwilling to move about. I spent a lot of time eating and watching Netflix this weekend. I even skipped kickboxing on Saturday which is very much not like me. I'm so tired but I can't seem to sleep, yet on Saturday and Sunday I got out of bed around noon and 1pm. I'm dreading the week ahead as well.
So it has been a bit of a blah weekend. I'm hoping the week will be better but it won't. I have to haul ass to accomplish some tasks before I leave for a brief vacation to the Shore next weekend. Oh well, such is life.
Until next time....
Alas, the concert ended and I made my way to the middle of the Parkway to watch the fireworks. As I stepped over some girl's outstretched legs, someone yelled "Hey!" Turns out, a friend from college who graduated the year before me was attending the fireworks as well and she recognized me! I was really glad to see her and we caught up for a few minutes before the fireworks started.
The show was spectacular until I heard screaming coming from my right. I looked over and saw the crowd of people screaming and running towards me. "He's got a gun! He's got a gun!" someone yelled in a panic.
I was in the dead center of the Parkway. Oddly enough I was calm. I knew I had to move because I'd risk getting trampled if I stayed put. The "threat" was the last thing on my mind. As I turned to seek an open area to the left of the Parkway, I power walked through debris and checked for people on the ground. The whole time I kept saying in my head "Don't fall. Don't fall. Don't trip. Don't fall." If I did either of these things, I'd surely be injured. I made it to the side of the Parkway without incident. People were running and crying everywhere. I found a woman bent over trying to stand up. I put my hand on her back and tried to stay with her to see if I could help her up. As I moved to the front of her, another wave of panicked people came rushing towards us and I had to move. I wasn't able to help her as she fell down again.
The Parkway was littered with coolers, chairs, bottles, shoes, pretty much everything imaginable. I meandered closer to the Art Museum so I could watch the Grand Finale of the fireworks. As they ended I made my way home, fortunate enough to run into my friend from college and her group. She was fine, we hugged and said we were happy to see each other and catch up.
The scene on my way home was something out of a movie. People crying. Mother's crying hysterically because they had lost their kid in the fray. Children crying because they lost their mothers. People's nerves shattered. Police and fire trucks everywhere. I never cried, I never panicked and I was never worried about getting shot or blown to bits. I'm glad I stayed calm in the face of panic, but I worry my response wasn't as "flight" as it should be. Am I that desensitized to violence in Philadelphia?
Friday came and went, a quiet day at work with limited staff, for smart people called out to have a four day weekend. Then it was the weekend.
I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I've been real lethargic and just, unwilling to move about. I spent a lot of time eating and watching Netflix this weekend. I even skipped kickboxing on Saturday which is very much not like me. I'm so tired but I can't seem to sleep, yet on Saturday and Sunday I got out of bed around noon and 1pm. I'm dreading the week ahead as well.
So it has been a bit of a blah weekend. I'm hoping the week will be better but it won't. I have to haul ass to accomplish some tasks before I leave for a brief vacation to the Shore next weekend. Oh well, such is life.
Until next time....
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I Want A House
If you read my "Dear Philadelphia, I Love You" post, you know that I love this city and really feel like I can call it home. I'm now strongly considering trying to buy a house in the city. Here are my reasons:
1) Mortgages are cheaper than rent and now is a good time to dive into the housing market before things get really not affordable again. Additionally I will probably be approved for whatever loans or things I request because I have an excellent and detailed credit history.
2) Peer pressure. While many of my friends are getting married and having kids, I do not feel pressured anymore to hurry up and get those things done. I do however, feel a pang of envy when I see friends building or remodeling their first home. Many friends are going to settlement on their first home and I can't help but wish that was me too. I know it is perfectly normal for an unmarried person to reside in an apartment until they meet someone and get married and have their first child...but I don't see anything wrong with skipping a few steps and owning the house now.
3) I would go to town on DIY home improvement projects. I would love to paint and redo and landscape and repair elements of a house. I would love to decorate it to my liking and just really go to town into making it my home.
4) I want to entertain people. I do! I want a house with a decent sized living room, a kitchen I can cook in with plenty of counter space, an outdoor patio, deck, stoop, balcony (SOMETHING OUTDOORS) and a grill. I want to host a book club or a sporting party or something. My apartment can really only comfortably fit about 4 guests in it, and even that makes it feel crowded. If I had a house I could do so much more, accommodate more people!
5) I could grill! I could compost! I could grow my own mint leaves! I could have a dog! I could do so many things I can't do in my apartment right now.
The cons:
1) I'd be tethered to the same house in the same neighborhood for years and years. I'd have a mortgage looming over my head and I'm not sure I'm that financially stable to take on the commitment of owning a house!
2) I'm unmarried....what if my partner wants to move elsewhere or something. What if I have to become a landlord to pay off my mortgage! I think I would be a shitty landlord.
3) Stupid reason, I but I have no idea how buying a house works. I know that I don't have $80,000 to drop on a row home right now and I know I probably don't even have 20% of that. I'm nervous to talk to a realtor about this process because I don't want to be buffaloed into doing something I'm just trying to get more information about.
4) The job could be in Syria or Russia or Germany or even Australia. I could land the perfect international journalism job and look...I just tied myself to an $80,000 house. Perfect.
5) Commitment-fears in general oh, and I don't know what I need more right now....a car or a house. Also, my job isn't as secure as I'd like it to be. Perhaps I should wait until I have stable employment in my field with a significant salary hike.
So maybe I'll fish around for some "How to buy a house and get a mortgage in your 20s" advice and maybe "window shop" the housing market. It is a big step and a big commitment and a decision that should not be taken lightly. The idealist dream of owning a house and the reality of owning a house are probably two very different things. With careful consideration I'll look into the possibility. In the meantime, I'll continue to cook my chicken in my convection oven and enjoy the outdoor parks by me since I really don't even have a stoop I can sit on.
Until next time...
Friday, June 21, 2013
Sometimes...
......I feel like my heart is literally going to EXPLODE out of my chest. Like the actual organ will spontaneously burst, cracking my sternum, splitting ribs, blowing a hole through my flesh and just detonate. The sound might be similar to lighting cracking (my bones). Or perhaps a bag of chips popping open. I'm not sure.
But with all the powerful emotions I carry within myself, I'm sometimes surprised my heart does not explode from the pressure. Sometimes, I feel like it will.
And that is all I have to say about that.
Until next time...
But with all the powerful emotions I carry within myself, I'm sometimes surprised my heart does not explode from the pressure. Sometimes, I feel like it will.
And that is all I have to say about that.
Until next time...
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
With Every Loss Comes Growth of Resilience
Resilience: an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.
This is a quality that I see within myself. So much so that I've contemplated getting the word "Resilient" inked into my side. With every great loss, resilience is born. If you are not crippled, defeated, destroyed by loss...you grow, you adjust, you build upon your inner strength.
I've seen this quality in a lot of people I care about lately. Now, more than ever, seems to be a time of difficult moments for my loved ones. Our agency suffered it's fourth client death in the past four years. Several of my dearest friends are battling the darkest of demons and trying to be strong for those they care for. Someone is struggling to find a meaningful relationship yet is paralyzed by personal expectations and criticisms. Someone is a universal rock who needs a rock of their own right now. Someone faces an uncertain fate which could alter the course of their life forever.
I'm proud to call these people my friends, colleagues and even family. They're fighting for those they love, for what they deserve and for what the believe in. Their strength is inspiring.Their conviction a blueprint for many. They are everyday heroes determined to rise above the ashes of their personal traumas.
As for me, I wish I could bear their load and take away their pain. However, that old story of the caterpillar/butterfly comes to mind:
A man stumbled across a butterfly struggling to break free of its cocoon. It didn't look like it would be able to rip through the walls. The man decided to help it along and set it free. He grabbed his knife and gently cut a hole in the cocoon. The butterfly flew out and died that day. The man did not understand why the butterfly died. In truth, the butterfly had to learn how to break out on its own, therefore making it stronger and able to survive.
So I just support them and fight my own fights as I try to find innovative ways to help these great people through their battles. I won't cut their cocoon open, but I will offer suggestions and encouragement along the way.
Until next time...
Sunday, June 16, 2013
A Word on Short "Tention Spans"
Today, Americans more so than ever, have very short attention spans. This isn't a breakthrough observation or rocket science, it is fact. Many columnists, scientists and funny articles on Thought Catalog have touched upon this short attention span and instant gratification epidemic we face today. We want it but we want it RIGHT NOW and it better only take A FEW MINUTES because that is all WE HAVE.
Think about it. How many times have you been bothered by having to wait in line for let's say Starbucks coffee. Despite the fact most baristas try really hard to get your order right, learn your name, write it on a cup and give you more than just a "how are you, ok" you still get agitated that you have to wait in a long line for your deliciously overpriced coffee. You have a bus to catch, a meeting to go to, an errand to run, a friend to meet, a test to take..you're always going going going.
The news, you want to know what is happening and NOW but you only want to read the first paragraph because then your eyes are drawn to the photo and WAIT THERE IS A RELATED LINK ABOUT PUPPIES!
In today's digital age, our attention spans are shrinking. With the world at our fingertips we want to catch every status update, tweet, sale, next big thing, album leak, breaking news, and celebrity gossip piece the second it happens. Our minds quickly absorb the kiddie pool depth of information before moving on to the next stimulating thing. This is troublesome because this tendency can migrate to other facets of your life such as your relationships, your job, your family life, your school...etc. You want everything instantaneously when normal things take time to develop.
That and the fact that social media and smart phones have made us more socially awkward. You might share your life with the world though every photo, tag, tweet, update...but when it comes to actually making a phone call, this generation growing up with this technology is going to have trouble. Hell, they are already IN trouble. I think I might be in trouble and I remember when I used the Internet to play games on Nick.com and my mom needed to use the phone so I had to sign off because we had dial up.
But its a troubling thought when relationships begin and sometimes even end with TEXT MESSAGES. When emoticons substitute for real emotions and people regress into an anti-social, digitally personal age. I don't like being caught on the subway without my iPod because God forbid I might have to actually have a conversation with a STRANGER (but we all know when stranger convos happen to me they are usually strange).
The point is we need to practice a healthy tech cleanse. We need to unplug once and awhile and enjoy each other's literal company. We need to play outside without taking a selfie and putting it on Instagram and then valuing our self worth on how many likes we get. (I swear I don't do that).
So get out there and unplug or make a phone call to that friend for their birthday! I'm going to go check my Facebook now...
Until next time.....
Think about it. How many times have you been bothered by having to wait in line for let's say Starbucks coffee. Despite the fact most baristas try really hard to get your order right, learn your name, write it on a cup and give you more than just a "how are you, ok" you still get agitated that you have to wait in a long line for your deliciously overpriced coffee. You have a bus to catch, a meeting to go to, an errand to run, a friend to meet, a test to take..you're always going going going.
The news, you want to know what is happening and NOW but you only want to read the first paragraph because then your eyes are drawn to the photo and WAIT THERE IS A RELATED LINK ABOUT PUPPIES!
In today's digital age, our attention spans are shrinking. With the world at our fingertips we want to catch every status update, tweet, sale, next big thing, album leak, breaking news, and celebrity gossip piece the second it happens. Our minds quickly absorb the kiddie pool depth of information before moving on to the next stimulating thing. This is troublesome because this tendency can migrate to other facets of your life such as your relationships, your job, your family life, your school...etc. You want everything instantaneously when normal things take time to develop.
That and the fact that social media and smart phones have made us more socially awkward. You might share your life with the world though every photo, tag, tweet, update...but when it comes to actually making a phone call, this generation growing up with this technology is going to have trouble. Hell, they are already IN trouble. I think I might be in trouble and I remember when I used the Internet to play games on Nick.com and my mom needed to use the phone so I had to sign off because we had dial up.
But its a troubling thought when relationships begin and sometimes even end with TEXT MESSAGES. When emoticons substitute for real emotions and people regress into an anti-social, digitally personal age. I don't like being caught on the subway without my iPod because God forbid I might have to actually have a conversation with a STRANGER (but we all know when stranger convos happen to me they are usually strange).
The point is we need to practice a healthy tech cleanse. We need to unplug once and awhile and enjoy each other's literal company. We need to play outside without taking a selfie and putting it on Instagram and then valuing our self worth on how many likes we get. (I swear I don't do that).
So get out there and unplug or make a phone call to that friend for their birthday! I'm going to go check my Facebook now...
Until next time.....
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
I Love Me Some Weather Porn
Severe weather is heading towards the East Coast and the Weather Channel and news outlets are urging viewers to be vigilant and monitor the forecasts for their respective areas.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to have some weather porn! Especially with the potential for a derecho headed our way! I'm so excited!
For those who do not know, weather porn is when an epic weather event occurs and newscasters and weathermen/women hype up the event to make you believe the world might actually end. Storms of the century, hail the size of golf balls, tornado threats in metro areas, flooding that can carry away small animals...this is the makings of weather porn. I will sit, eyes glued to whatever screen I can find, and monitor the "deteriorating conditions" until it happens outside my window and my attention will be diverted to the real thing.
Oh and a derecho is a fast moving, long lived widespread (at least 240 miles wide) epic windstorm made up of severe thunderstorms that can cause wind starting at 50 mph. Derechos are rare (though we had one last year). They typically form out of a bow shaped storm system so monitor the radar and see what happens. They also produce amazing shelf clouds too (and damaging winds/hail/rain).
I'm pretty morbid for liking this stuff but I grew up flipping back and forth between Gilligan's Island and the Weather Channel. I'm serious, I would sit and watch the Weather Channel for HOURS. I could predict what Local on the 8's would say but I still watched with deep fascination. I loved "Storm Stories" and Jim Cantore is my idol. I'm headed into journalism because I didn't study meteorology but I guess if I fail as a journalist I could always study atmospheric sciences. :-/
Point is I love the weather and I love coverage of disasters. I don't like death and destruction. I do not wish people would die and tornadoes would rip children out of the arms of their mothers. I was deeply saddened by Moore and Joplin and every time a tornado heads towards St. Louis I worry about my friend, Connie. But there is something to be said for the sensationalized coverage of dangerous weather events. I'm fascinated, captivated and want to know what will happen next.
Hopefully tomorrow's weather will be excitement worthy but I stress this, when I say I hope we have no casualties due to the weather. I am not a sick individual I just love it when Mother Nature gets a little angry.
Until next time....
Sunday, June 9, 2013
I am feeling....
....inspired and hopeful. I've been stuck in a nice summer routine of kickboxing, chores, work, and naps with a little bit of socialization sprinkled in between. I need to keep learning or writing or striving for things. I can't just take a break because it is summer. My mind needs to be stimulated. I've resorted to reading the Briefing on Media Law in my old AP Stylebook as a refresher and prep for my Media Law class coming up this fall. I also finished reading the 50 Shades of Grey Triology so now I can move on to more um....mentally stimulating material. Much like Twilight, E.L. James leaves little to the imagination and does all the work for you through her words. Not an active read. Somewhat compelling story.
I might have to make flashcards of important court cases related to media developments throughout history. Oh, and take up USA Today Crossword Puzzles again, I used to be able to beat them in 15 minutes or less.
Despite being stuck in routine and mental dullness, I'm quite happy and hopeful that things are about to change. We're halfway through, and I still think that 2013 is one of my best years yet.
Until next time...
I might have to make flashcards of important court cases related to media developments throughout history. Oh, and take up USA Today Crossword Puzzles again, I used to be able to beat them in 15 minutes or less.
Despite being stuck in routine and mental dullness, I'm quite happy and hopeful that things are about to change. We're halfway through, and I still think that 2013 is one of my best years yet.
Until next time...
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
I Only Get Hit On When I Am Angry
Today I thought I would share an interesting exchange that occurred on my commute in. After a horrendous morning consisting of setting my alarm for the wrong day, having the bus blow by me because it was full, and being stuck behind a trash truck on a narrow street forever (eventually making me a full hour late for work), I wasn't in the best of moods.
Aviators on, iced coffee in hand and music blasting in my ears...I boarded the EL and found an empty seat. Of course, someone decided they wanted to sit next to me. I enjoyed solo seatdom for a good minute before this guy plops down in the empty seat next to me. I stare coldly out my aviators to the window and he, of course, tries to engage me in conversation. I pop the headphones out and say "What?"
"Do those headphones go to your phone?" he asks.
"Yep." I reply
"Can I hold your phone?" he asks. Actually, this is what I thought he said so I replied, "Why, so you can grab it and run out the door at the next stop? Hell no."
He laughed. "No, no, can I call your phone?"
"Nope." I replied.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" he asked.
"Yep" I replied
"How long have you had that probl...been together?" he asked.
"Six months." I lied. He made some comment about how that wasn't a boyfriend but a fling or something.
At this point, I had enough. "Damn you are bold. What is your success rate?" I asked him with a smile.
That did it. "Right now I'm 0 for 1. Damn you are cool as shit! You remind me of Khole Kardashian!" he said.
"Cute, but I don't think so. I haven't been to many basketball games lately," I replied.
This exchange continued for several more stops and included comments such as "I can't resist a girl with long hair, thickness and cute toes." and "do you know what TBT means?" (Thick beautiful and tempting) He told me he was jealous of my iced coffee because my lips were touching the straw. I told him he should be and he should use that line at a bar when a girl takes a shot of tequila and sucks the lime. If she's drunk enough, that line might actually work.
"You should try the westbound direction. You might have better luck there." I said with snark. Smitten, he tried to give me his number as he got off at his stop. I tipped my iced coffee at him through the window as he walked away.
I'm fairly certain I'm going to end up a Craigslist Missed Connection.
Until next time....
Aviators on, iced coffee in hand and music blasting in my ears...I boarded the EL and found an empty seat. Of course, someone decided they wanted to sit next to me. I enjoyed solo seatdom for a good minute before this guy plops down in the empty seat next to me. I stare coldly out my aviators to the window and he, of course, tries to engage me in conversation. I pop the headphones out and say "What?"
"Do those headphones go to your phone?" he asks.
"Yep." I reply
"Can I hold your phone?" he asks. Actually, this is what I thought he said so I replied, "Why, so you can grab it and run out the door at the next stop? Hell no."
He laughed. "No, no, can I call your phone?"
"Nope." I replied.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" he asked.
"Yep" I replied
"How long have you had that probl...been together?" he asked.
"Six months." I lied. He made some comment about how that wasn't a boyfriend but a fling or something.
At this point, I had enough. "Damn you are bold. What is your success rate?" I asked him with a smile.
That did it. "Right now I'm 0 for 1. Damn you are cool as shit! You remind me of Khole Kardashian!" he said.
"Cute, but I don't think so. I haven't been to many basketball games lately," I replied.
This exchange continued for several more stops and included comments such as "I can't resist a girl with long hair, thickness and cute toes." and "do you know what TBT means?" (Thick beautiful and tempting) He told me he was jealous of my iced coffee because my lips were touching the straw. I told him he should be and he should use that line at a bar when a girl takes a shot of tequila and sucks the lime. If she's drunk enough, that line might actually work.
"You should try the westbound direction. You might have better luck there." I said with snark. Smitten, he tried to give me his number as he got off at his stop. I tipped my iced coffee at him through the window as he walked away.
I'm fairly certain I'm going to end up a Craigslist Missed Connection.
Until next time....
Friday, May 17, 2013
I Need To Stop Striving For Excellence Because...
...when I don't meet my own standards I feel like a failure.
I got another A- in one of my classes in Jschool. I totally deserved it. I think I know which assignment I didn't do my best on and perhaps destroyed my A+ excellence. This is a fair grade but now I'm just regretting not giving it my all. I regret waiting to the last minute to complete some of my assignments. I regret not utilizing office hours and getting feedback on my areas of "growth." I regret not trying harder. If I truly did my best, I'd have earned an A.
As of today I have all A's and 2 A-'s. That is nothing to scoff at but that isn't perfection and perfection is what I strive for.
My GPA takes a hit again. *sigh* As does my ego.
Until next time...
I got another A- in one of my classes in Jschool. I totally deserved it. I think I know which assignment I didn't do my best on and perhaps destroyed my A+ excellence. This is a fair grade but now I'm just regretting not giving it my all. I regret waiting to the last minute to complete some of my assignments. I regret not utilizing office hours and getting feedback on my areas of "growth." I regret not trying harder. If I truly did my best, I'd have earned an A.
As of today I have all A's and 2 A-'s. That is nothing to scoff at but that isn't perfection and perfection is what I strive for.
My GPA takes a hit again. *sigh* As does my ego.
Until next time...
Friday, April 19, 2013
Dear Philadelphia, I love you.
Today I found out that my favorite late night drunk pizza place is reopening its doors after the shop was heavily damaged by a fire last summer. Lorenzo's Pizza is back! It makes me want to go to South Street tonight, drink too much PBR at the Tattooed Moms and then buy a $2.75 slice of cheese pizza the size of my head.
While telling a co-worker about this incredibly happy news, she laughed, shook her head and said "You were supposed to end up in Philly. You are always having a ball!"
I love it when people say that. Believe it or not, I get it a lot.
I've written posts about being that little girl in the backseat of the car staring up at the big skyline on I-95 while equally big dreams swim through my head. I always thought I'd end up in New York City or Chicago or even Miami. I never EVER thought I would end up in Philadelphia. I thought the actual city looked dirty and scary as a child.
But I ended up here and I love it. I've complained about my job, my school, my neighbors, my apartment, but never ever have I complained about this city. Sure it is dirty, people are rude, the homeless people on the street who harass me make me want to fight them, people can not drive for crap, and sweatpants are a fashion staple. But I love it.
People joke with me when I say I'm going to go where the job is. If I find a job outside of Philly, I'm going to take it. They laugh, shake their head and say "no, Mary Anna. You're going to end up staying in Philly. You'll live in South Philly and when you're ready to start a family you'll move to the Northeast. You'll join a PTA, your kids will go to karate and you won't leave the city."
I laugh and dismiss this but they could be right. With each year I spend as a Philadelphia resident, I feel more and more like I belong here. I feel like less of a transplant and more of a native. I embrace river concerts and just fishing off the Schuylkill banks river trail. I love watching Rocky on the Art Museum steps during the 4th of July week. I love the cheese steak competition. I appreciate the wonders of brunch. I love walking into my favorite bar and the staff knows me....even in a big bad city. I like the history and learning about it.
I still look up at the big skyline and I still have equally big dreams but I wouldn't be surprised if they are fulfilled in Philly.
Until next time...
Thursday, April 11, 2013
It Was Time For A Face Lift
I started this blog in the summer of 2009. I had just graduated The College of William and Mary and had no effin clue what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I have a blast looking back at the old posts and seeing how much I've changed.
While the blog entries have decreased in number each year, I have...indeed...maintained this blog for almost 4 years. This is a huge accomplishment since I rarely finish or keep up with anything I start. So to honor that accomplishment, I did a little redecorating. I hope you like it.
Lately I have been feeling on top of my game despite the fact I have a paper due today at 5:30 and I am by no means done and it is 11:25am. haha But, I've made some personal discoveries that I believe will lead to fruitful change in my life. I'm trying to learn how to keep calm and carry on in the midst of chaos. I'm also enjoying this beautiful spring weather and have been swagging out my spring outfits all week. Looking good makes you feel good.
April is/has been/will continue to be a big month for me. I'm doing some traveling in two weeks down to William and Mary for the reunion aka farewell of my college sorority chapter, Phi Mu Gamma Alpha. The last weekend of April, I'm going to my best friend's cousin's wedding...where the only person I'll know is my best friend.I have to say I'm pretty excited. I'm still waiting to hear back about my "take a chance" news. I can't disclose right now because I might jinx it. If things work out there will be a huge post about it. There is a good chance this news could hit in April.
I can't explain it. I just feel awake, aware, alive. I also feel like I'm changing again, but it isn't dramatic and it is most certainly for the good.
Until next time...
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Reverse Your Own Psychology
Forgive me for the vague and potentially rambling nature of this post. It is important, though.
When you're struggling with a math problem and you just can't figure out the answer, sometimes you have to take a break and tackle it after clearing your mind for a bit. Sometimes when you're writing a paper or a story, you get writer's block and you have to get up, walk around, run some errands, and come back to your assignment.
Relationships, friendships, human interactions are like that too. Sometimes we do stupid things that we think will help us reach insignificant goals. We use manipulative tactics, we talk around issues, we hint and nudge to get an outcome we think we deserve. The reality is, that never works and the other party(ies) catch on really quick.
The best thing you can do is realize the problem starts with you. You are the problem. There are a multitude of experiences in your life that have hard wired you to have certain problems but you can fix your current situation. How? You take a step back. You give up on your demands and just walk away for a minute, clear your head, see how you're feeling. You can not change, fix, manipulate or force another party to think, act, do what you want. But you can change, fix, manipulate and force yourself to alter your perspective and make a glaring need appear insignificant.
When you step back, back down, walk away for a second....something amazing happens. You think you're relinquishing control of the situation. You think you're giving up, but you are not. In fact, you are empowering yourself. You gain more control by stepping down than you do attacking your needs head on. (In most cases). Obviously if say, you thought you deserved a raise...backing down and walking away won't get you what you want. This tactic is primary effective in human relationships.
Sometimes doing the opposite of what seems logical, actually gets you the outcome you wanted all along. Who knew it was that easy?
Until next time....
When you're struggling with a math problem and you just can't figure out the answer, sometimes you have to take a break and tackle it after clearing your mind for a bit. Sometimes when you're writing a paper or a story, you get writer's block and you have to get up, walk around, run some errands, and come back to your assignment.
Relationships, friendships, human interactions are like that too. Sometimes we do stupid things that we think will help us reach insignificant goals. We use manipulative tactics, we talk around issues, we hint and nudge to get an outcome we think we deserve. The reality is, that never works and the other party(ies) catch on really quick.
The best thing you can do is realize the problem starts with you. You are the problem. There are a multitude of experiences in your life that have hard wired you to have certain problems but you can fix your current situation. How? You take a step back. You give up on your demands and just walk away for a minute, clear your head, see how you're feeling. You can not change, fix, manipulate or force another party to think, act, do what you want. But you can change, fix, manipulate and force yourself to alter your perspective and make a glaring need appear insignificant.
When you step back, back down, walk away for a second....something amazing happens. You think you're relinquishing control of the situation. You think you're giving up, but you are not. In fact, you are empowering yourself. You gain more control by stepping down than you do attacking your needs head on. (In most cases). Obviously if say, you thought you deserved a raise...backing down and walking away won't get you what you want. This tactic is primary effective in human relationships.
Sometimes doing the opposite of what seems logical, actually gets you the outcome you wanted all along. Who knew it was that easy?
Until next time....
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Take a Chance Make a Change
All I want to say is that you miss 100% of the shots you never take. So step up to the line and try. The worst that can happen is you fail. Is that really so bad?
Monday, February 18, 2013
9 Reasons I Think I'm Destined to Be a Journalist
Grad School is a bitch, well...my bitch, actually. I don't know why I thought I could actually work full time and go to graduate school part time. Then I look at myself 3/4 into my second year of grad school and I'm like "oh yeah, that's right. I've already been doing this for almost 2 years." I'm going to be in severe debt (keep on coming student loans that charge interest, like now) and I'm entering a dying field (with civic journalists reporting stories via their Iphones, who needs read journalists these days) and I'm fending off panic attacks weekly because of it (I need to interview 5 sources in two weeks or I will fail). But despite all of this, I'm destined to be a journalist and here are the reasons why:
1) I tried to write my first chapter book in 2nd grade. It was about unicorns and every new page was a new chapter. Like most original literary works in my life, I never finished it. But my love for writing began at a young age. My teacher asked me, "Mary Anna, do you like to write." I was young and stupid and said, "Well, I like telling stories but I don't particularly enjoy pushing my pencil back and forth."
2) Journalism forces you to get stuff done. I have a deadline. I'm toast if I don't make it. Unless someone close to me dies or I almost die, I have no excuse but to meet the deadline. There is no half-written story. There is no idea that remains an idea and never a concrete piece of work. I'll have an editor riding my ass, pushing me to write better, in the time frame he assigns. Bam.
3) I doubt I'd get bored. When I freelanced for The Eastern Shore News, I loved every minute of it. I got to cover tourism seminars. I got to spend the day out on a boat with a bunch of high school guys deploying reef balls into the bay. I got to go to meetings I wouldn't normally care about if I wasn't assigned to cover them. I went places, I met people, and it never got old. This morning while I waiting for the trolley to carry my cold ass a few blocks to my job, I felt great sadness. I don't really wake up looking forward to my job anymore because it is the same thing every day. I will inevitably work on enrollments, assessments, attend team meetings, and organize monthly programs (the same programs) for our families. While this work is meaningful, it is the same work each and every day. I see the same people, do the same tasks, have the same meetings. There is no room for promotion. The incentive to do your job is the paycheck (and to help the families). I'm one of those people who can't settle down for long periods of time because I get ADD and start doing things like blogging about my desired career instead of focusing on my current job. If I was a full-time journalist, I'd spend every day tracking down people, researching, hearing stories, re-telling stories, traveling around the city, making hard phone calls, following little treasure hunts to potential sources. Each day would be different, even if I was working on the same story. Constant stimuli. Constant rush.
4) I like telling stories. I've always been that way. I'm the storyteller, the walking entertainment system. If it can happen, it will happen to me. I love sharing news, both good and bad and other peoples'. I like engaging in interesting conversations and sharing that with others.
5) I'm a people person with empathy superpowers. No, really, I've decided its true. I'm an empath. I can read people easily, gauge their attitude, feelings and alter my own attitude, personality to complement their own. It is weird, but this power is great because on one hand I sort of manipulate the other person's perspective of me but on the other hand, I get the information I want because I'm trustworthy and I'm easy to talk to. For years, random people have engaged me in conversation about random crap for no reason. Its like they know. It is also why telephone calls to people I don't know freak me out. I'm only really good at reading people in person and sometimes through text, but not so good on the phone. My superpower is also my crutch in that, I don't like not being able to alter myself appropriately to accommodate whomever is on the other line. It is weird but in the face to face world, it is quite useful.
6) Go with your gut. When I started out at William and Mary, I wanted to double major in English and Theatre and pursue a journalism career. While the works of Chaucer were interesting, I knew this field of study would not prepare me to be a good journalist. So I switched majors and decided to major in Sociology. This has been the one career path that has been somewhat consistent in my ADD kind of life. I've toyed with many career ideas, but this one has stuck and this one brings me the most joy.
7) That feeling you get when you book an interview with the perfect source. I can't describe it but its this massive overwhelming feeling of pride, excitement and accomplishment. You know that person is going to make your story. You have it in the bag. You're just so damn happy about it. Its like winning the lottery or finding out you don't have a terminal illness. I dunno, its a great, amazing feeling and I totally live for it.
8) I'm good at it. Hey, not to brag, but I'm carrying a 3.93 GPA in graduate school. My professors have patted me on the back for my work. I'm not a Jschool mogul like some of my classmates, I'm more of a name than a face. But people recognize I do good work and my grades reflect that.
9) I'm naturally curious. Why does that do that? Who is this person and why are they so influential? Why does this issue exist? What is being done about that issue? If I don't know it, I look it up. Being naturally inquisitive about life is a great characteristic of a future journalist. Its almost mandatory.
And that my friends, sums up the reasons I think I am destined to be a journalist. Now to make destiny a reality.
Until next time...
1) I tried to write my first chapter book in 2nd grade. It was about unicorns and every new page was a new chapter. Like most original literary works in my life, I never finished it. But my love for writing began at a young age. My teacher asked me, "Mary Anna, do you like to write." I was young and stupid and said, "Well, I like telling stories but I don't particularly enjoy pushing my pencil back and forth."
2) Journalism forces you to get stuff done. I have a deadline. I'm toast if I don't make it. Unless someone close to me dies or I almost die, I have no excuse but to meet the deadline. There is no half-written story. There is no idea that remains an idea and never a concrete piece of work. I'll have an editor riding my ass, pushing me to write better, in the time frame he assigns. Bam.
3) I doubt I'd get bored. When I freelanced for The Eastern Shore News, I loved every minute of it. I got to cover tourism seminars. I got to spend the day out on a boat with a bunch of high school guys deploying reef balls into the bay. I got to go to meetings I wouldn't normally care about if I wasn't assigned to cover them. I went places, I met people, and it never got old. This morning while I waiting for the trolley to carry my cold ass a few blocks to my job, I felt great sadness. I don't really wake up looking forward to my job anymore because it is the same thing every day. I will inevitably work on enrollments, assessments, attend team meetings, and organize monthly programs (the same programs) for our families. While this work is meaningful, it is the same work each and every day. I see the same people, do the same tasks, have the same meetings. There is no room for promotion. The incentive to do your job is the paycheck (and to help the families). I'm one of those people who can't settle down for long periods of time because I get ADD and start doing things like blogging about my desired career instead of focusing on my current job. If I was a full-time journalist, I'd spend every day tracking down people, researching, hearing stories, re-telling stories, traveling around the city, making hard phone calls, following little treasure hunts to potential sources. Each day would be different, even if I was working on the same story. Constant stimuli. Constant rush.
4) I like telling stories. I've always been that way. I'm the storyteller, the walking entertainment system. If it can happen, it will happen to me. I love sharing news, both good and bad and other peoples'. I like engaging in interesting conversations and sharing that with others.
5) I'm a people person with empathy superpowers. No, really, I've decided its true. I'm an empath. I can read people easily, gauge their attitude, feelings and alter my own attitude, personality to complement their own. It is weird, but this power is great because on one hand I sort of manipulate the other person's perspective of me but on the other hand, I get the information I want because I'm trustworthy and I'm easy to talk to. For years, random people have engaged me in conversation about random crap for no reason. Its like they know. It is also why telephone calls to people I don't know freak me out. I'm only really good at reading people in person and sometimes through text, but not so good on the phone. My superpower is also my crutch in that, I don't like not being able to alter myself appropriately to accommodate whomever is on the other line. It is weird but in the face to face world, it is quite useful.
6) Go with your gut. When I started out at William and Mary, I wanted to double major in English and Theatre and pursue a journalism career. While the works of Chaucer were interesting, I knew this field of study would not prepare me to be a good journalist. So I switched majors and decided to major in Sociology. This has been the one career path that has been somewhat consistent in my ADD kind of life. I've toyed with many career ideas, but this one has stuck and this one brings me the most joy.
7) That feeling you get when you book an interview with the perfect source. I can't describe it but its this massive overwhelming feeling of pride, excitement and accomplishment. You know that person is going to make your story. You have it in the bag. You're just so damn happy about it. Its like winning the lottery or finding out you don't have a terminal illness. I dunno, its a great, amazing feeling and I totally live for it.
8) I'm good at it. Hey, not to brag, but I'm carrying a 3.93 GPA in graduate school. My professors have patted me on the back for my work. I'm not a Jschool mogul like some of my classmates, I'm more of a name than a face. But people recognize I do good work and my grades reflect that.
9) I'm naturally curious. Why does that do that? Who is this person and why are they so influential? Why does this issue exist? What is being done about that issue? If I don't know it, I look it up. Being naturally inquisitive about life is a great characteristic of a future journalist. Its almost mandatory.
And that my friends, sums up the reasons I think I am destined to be a journalist. Now to make destiny a reality.
Until next time...
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Who Do You Root For When Heroes Keep Falling?
Humans are just that, human. We go through lives meandering through an epic process of trial and error. We put pressure on ourselves to be the best. We feel the pressure from others. We try. Sometimes we rise to greatness and are hailed as a hero. Other times we cheat to get there and when the truth comes out, another modern-day superhero is put to rest.
I'm writing this on Valentine's Day. What I'd prefer to be a post about true love, loving everyone and generally being happy as a clam, is actually a social commentary on our heroes who have fallen from grace.
You have Tiger Woods, one of the greatest golfers of all time. His winning streak and acclaim is tarnished by his addiction to sex. The man was knocked off his golf pedestal and is trying to rebuild his life and image. The world uttered a collective tsk tsk.
You have Lance Armstrong, the miracle biker who beat cancer and won Tour de France competitions, smashed world records and became a legend...that is until the truth about his doping habits came to the surface. Every title was stripped, every award taken back. Now he is nothing but a former star in an empty award room left to think and re-think about his actions. Despite the pressure, society would always agree that it is better to admit defeat than cheat your way to the top just to live up to this ideal image bestowed upon you.
Politicians like David Petraeus, Anthony Wiener (unfortunate name), Bill Clinton and John Edwards lose political credibility because of sex scandals and affairs. Was the lust, love, sex really worth destroying your career and creating this giant black streak against your professional record?
Legends such as Joe Paterno spent their lives building a legacy only to have it stripped away by a covered child-abuse scandal and to add insult to injury, succumb to cancer after being fired from their long standing job.
Then you have Olympian Oscar Pistorius who 'allegedly' shot his girlfriend in the early morning hours of Valentine's Day. A hero for amputee survivors everywhere, Pistorius gave the world a hero to root for. Overcoming all odds and becoming the first amputee athlete to compete in able body Olympics may be his biggest accomplishment. He ponders this as he sits in a jail cell awaiting his fate.
What causes our heroes to fall from grace? Why do these notable individuals who millions of people look up to, make the gravest of mistakes? Its one thing to fall. Its another thing to fail. But to intentionally make incredibly poor decisions in the moment comes with a steep price: dwelling on said decisions for the rest of your life and losing your credibility.
It is such a shame.
Until next time...
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
End of an Era
Here's to all the Phi Mus who wear their heart and hand. To the rose and white ribbons that bind us in our bond. To the lion, we get our courage, our strength and honor too, may we always have the memory of the love that means Phi Mu!
Memory. Soon that will be all we have. Last night, after a particularly horrid day at work which resulted in me having to stay late to babysit some very wound up kids and miss my kickboxing class, I got some bad news. Phi Mu Gamma Alpha Chapter, that is the Phi Mu Chapter at the College of William and Mary, is shutting down. The National Committee, after many meetings, consultations and different recruitment approaches, has decided that Gamma Alpha can not sustain herself and must take a break from W&M Greek life until "the College climate changes."
So no more lions. No more carnations. I have no idea what will happen to our house. The poor sisters who are not graduating in Spring '13 will be left without a sorority. I hear they plan to appeal the decision but I feel since Nationals e-mailed the Gamma Alpha Alumni, the appeal won't go through. There is talk that the shut down is temporary and that the chapter needs a "break." Sorority membership quota at W&M is 90 and the chapter will have around 30 members after Spring '13 graduation.
I can't sit back and think "damn, those girls really can't recruit for shit." Because I don't think it is their fault. You see, what makes Phi Mu Gamma Alpha special is that we were not a stereotypical sorority. We didn't judge pledges on what they wore, how much money they have, who they know and how pretty they are. We looked for strong diverse women with high morals and a beautiful spirit. This decision to remain faithful to our values might be what eventually killed us.
Many women enter Greek Life at W&M because they are looking for more than a Sisterhood. They're looking for status symbols, a popular reputation, the opportunity to be desired by all the 'popular' fraternity boys and the same crap that high schoolers deem to be important and noteworthy. When you graduate W&M, popularity and social status are no longer important. You need to be smart, independent, hard working, foster professional connections and be innovative to succeed in "the real world." Nothing else matters.
During my run with Phi Mu, our reputation on campus was less than stellar. Despite this, we valued ourselves and our Sisterhood. We followed the rules but had a blast too. We were a melting pot sorority and reaped the benefits because of that. No cookie-cutter structure for us.
Now all we have is "the memory of the bond we share." Facebook statuses proclaiming Phi Mu pride and love are posted, cover photos are changed, the Gamma Alpha Alumni are celebrating years of Sisterhood and remembering "the good old days." I guess the shut down will temporarily bring Sisters together. Funerals bring people together too.
As a former Vice President of Gamma Alpha, I'm not ready to be positive yet. I'm still mourning a loss. Despite the fact I haven't been an active part of Phi Mu anything since 2009, I still feel this huge, gaping, looming loss. I'm not ready to celebrate the internal glory that was once my Sisterhood. I'm going to process this first. I'm going to get my mind right so when I return to W&M for a Homecoming I won't be disappointed that I can't visit the Phi Mu house because its not the Phi Mu house anymore. I need to get over the fact that status symbols and popularity are still insanely important to the 18-20 demographic. Once I come to terms with all of this, I'll be able to celebrate the memory of the love, honor and truth that is Phi Mu.
Until Next Time....
Monday, February 4, 2013
Top Highlights from MA's Epic Superbowl Bash
In case you weren't there, which many of you were not. Here is what you missed during last night's epic Superbowl Bash.
1. Before my guests arrived a bottle of Trader Joe's Potsticker Goyza sauce flew out of one of my cabinets, crashed onto my floor, exploded everywhere and projectile splashed as far as my bathroom sink. I was in the kitchen. It was epic and horrible and looked like someone had been shot. I was pissed but I got everything clean before my guests arrived. Thank God for paper towels and Lysol wipes.
2. The Dip. Its an amazing turkey chili cheese dip which was a huge success and a fan favorite each year. Noms.
3. Our Halftime Freakout. The whole time leading up to the Halftime show, I kept saying "Oh my God guys, Destiny's Child is going to have a reunion." Cue the halftime show. Beyonce is out on stage shaking her booty and making really weird facial expressions which I keep commenting on. Dialog ensues. "MA, I don't think its happening. I think its just Beyonce." "SHUT THE HELL UP IT MUST HAPPEN." "MA, no really." "KELLY AND MICHELLE WILL POP UP OUT OF NOWHERE DURING BOOTYLICIOUS!" "MA, I'm sorry, this is such a disappointment, but its not happening."
Then it happened. Kelly Rowland popped out of NOWHERE onto the stage during Bootylicious and we all had a collective freak out moment of screaming, clapping, cheering, and loud exclamation. Did I call it or what?
4. Tequila. We did shots. Often. At one point we took a shot and toasted to Michelle Williams. She always gets the short end of the stick.
5. Team switching. 3/4s into the game, my friend decides she's suddenly a 49ers fan. She literally peels off her purple sweater and wears her red scarf. She cheers on the 49ers (which to my non-football friends got simplified to "purple team" and "red team." Then when the Ravens won, she put her purple sweater back on and said "I'm for the purple team now."
6. The epic HOLDING CALL that never happened and the 49ers coach's manic gestures. We had fun with that one. We made an exercise routine out of it. We made dance moves. We pretty much did everything we could to enjoy that slow motion holding call demand which never happened.
7. Narration. The second half of the football game was complete with nonsensical narration which inevitably was decided should be turned into an annual podcast. Such commentary including "Whatcha doin? Where you going? Why you holding a ball? Why you wearing tights? Why are you on the ground? Did that hurt?"
8. Our affinity for the Nor'leans ref who after the power outage said "Play on!" We loved his calls. We loved his accent. He was kind of attractive. He was awesome. As was the power outage where we relayed all the fantastic Tweets and Facebook postings about the outage.
9. Deja vu. Exactly one year ago I had friends over for the Superbowl. We were loud and raunchy and had a blast. I left my phone in the other room and somehow missed several late night calls from my landlord. I thought I was being too loud and someone called to complain about the noise. So, I admitted to doing something I wasn't even sure I was guilty of and sent a long e-mail to him apologizing for my loudness. He replied, stating the girl that lives below me was locked out and he wanted me to let her in. #fail. Exactly one year later (last night) my landlord calls me again. This time, I know better. I answer the phone with poise and turns out, the bitch locked herself out again and I have to let her in. My landlord was surprised I was home but grateful I could take care of the problem. So, bizarre and why the hell does she lock herself out every Superbowl?
10. Favorite commercials. #1 the old people that escape from the nursing home and do crazy things and then go back at the wee hours of the morning. #2 Clydesdale pony commercial. #3 That was it. Also, glad I was alone during the Sandy Hook chorus performance at the beginning of the game because I definitely teared up.
My favorite quotes:
"He shut him down! He didn't go to start, shut down, turn off computer. He just pulled the plug!"
"Thanks for telling us about the power outage, now explain it, bitch."
"So, this family is going to have an awkward family dinner after the Superbowl had two brothers as opposing team coaches. 'How can we forget the time he put crayons on the heater and they melted? Or that year he spit in the Thanksgiving turkey? Noo, that's all forgotten now that he has a Superbowl Ring!" haha
"To Michelle Williams!"
"I'm not sure how I feel about this commercial."
All in all it was a good night with excellent food and excellent company. I'm a regular Martha Stewart with some tequila on the side.
Until next time...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
What if I'm not a Writer?
I've mentioned this before. My first book I ever wrote was a few chapters long. Each page was a new chapter. I was in second or third ...
-
I want to go to College for the rest of my life. Kind of. I've been home for two days and I'm already itching for a break. I've ...
-
From the Crabfest adventures of mid-August to my healthy journey of eating more vegetables and participating in FitBit challenges, August ha... -
It was getting a little late in the evening on a Monday night. I had just finished up my personal training session followed by my weight man...