I'm ready to start living my own life. I want my own place, my own boxer dog, my own schedule, my own routines, my own life. I want to develop habits such as drinking coffee too much or not leaving the apartment without my chap stick and actually driving 10 min back to the apartment to get it. I kind of feel like I'm just wasting my time on the Shore. Its not the vacation wasting time kind of way but rather I can feel myself aging and getting closer do death with each day kind of wasting.
I have no doubts now about RMC. I have to get out of here. I didn't apply to RMC as an out or anything. If you read a few posts back, you'll begin to understand the whole deep discerning process involved. However, with each passing day it is starting to look like a lifeline. I suppose when I asked for a clear sign as to whether or not this is what I'm supposed to do...the painful home situation was it. I can't move out now because I don't have enough money for my own place nor do I have a job yet. My car is in the shop and should be ready to drive tomorrow. The good news is that it is only going to cost around $130. That is a relief, I thought I was looking at around $200-$400 in repairs. I can do $130. Then I can drive all over the Eastern Shore and not worry about the engine cutting off at stoplights! I can almost taste the small form of freedom. Tomorrow I'm marching happily (even if I'm faking it) into the Hampton Inn office with my resume and a big smile plastered on my face. I'll be requesting a desk job or I'll be happy to settle, yes settle, for housekeeping. I'd be able to listen to my Ipod and clean shit all day. I'm ok with that if I get paid. I've always had a respect for hotel housekeepers, don't ask me why because I really don't know myself.
Remember the crazy family restaurant lady who asked me all the weird questions like 'were you born and bred on the Shore?' Yeah, her restaurant opened today....she didn't call me. Not surprised. It feels like its taking forever for Sunrise to get back to me. I won't hear my official rejection from the appraisal's office until the end of this week. See, what I think the owner should do is hire a permanent assistant and then hire me as the temporary assistant to the assistant which was what the original job I applied for was. Then she was all "oh well my assistant is quitting in June so I need a full time person now." I could start now, learn the ropes, and help train the future permanent assistant! I could assist with her workload as she gets on her feet because I'm a fast learner and once she gets her life together I could bounce. I didn't mention this to the owner because a) its a stupid idea that only benefits me and b) I don't think its my place to mention anything to the owner except what she asks me. The only good thing that came out of that interview was that I know my resume is good and that I'm an excellent interviewer.
Yet, I kind of already knew that when I aced my panel interview with the police. Nothing is more intimidating than a panel interview in front of four police officers. I had them laughing by the end of the interview.
I could have been a cop. No. Wait. I couldn't have passed the physical portion and been fired immediately. I need to keep reminding myself that. Also, I'm kind of non confrontational. I could just see myself pulling over a speeder. "License and registration please. Um, yeah well you were kind of speeding. I know, I know. I'm sorry you're having a horrible day. You see it is kind of....stop crying. It's ok its just one ticket. Are you ok? Oh, God, just don't do it again. Yes this would have been your fourth traffic ticket this month. It's ok, stop crying. I'm here for you. Have a good day and stay under 35. Thanks. You're welcome. Bye." *gets back into car and slams head against the steering wheel*
Yeah that would have been me on the force. I'm so fierce. Or if I had to chase anyone...I'd pass out from an asthma attack after running 4 feet from my squad car. I couldn't have been a cop.
I could have been an appraisals assistant. I could type things and file paper and use post it notes. I could answer phones. I could be a secretary for real estate. Because right now any job looks awesome to me right now because it means a paycheck to pay overdue bills. My credit score is starting to get lower. I could be a secretary, with a college education, living on the Eastern Shore, with my parents who will probably charge me some sort of rent. Or I could get my own place on the Shore...which in my world means I'm truly settling. Then my worst fear will come true. I'll stay working on the Shore for five years, meet my husband at some random event, my kids will eventually go to the same high school I went to and then they'll be smart and move off the shore and never look back. My husband and I will grow old together, enjoying activities such as fishing and hunting. My parents will be a few towns over and I'll frequently visit their place with my kids.
STOP IT, MA! I can not let that happen. I will not settle. No, I'm going to ace my interview on June 28th-July 1st. I will make RMC want me. I will work in Philadelphia, the city of Brotherly Love and my favorite baseball team. I will make it. After that year of service I'll drop down $4,700 some odd dollars on student loans and find another job in my field, a paying job, and live in the city. I'll have my own life and eventually my own boxer dog.
Forgive the stream of consciousness. I've got a lot on my mind right now. That is what happens when you don't have a job to pay bills, don't have a car to search for a job, don't have cell phone service.... I'm missing the silver lining in my dark storm. I have my computer, which has Internet, which I've been on every spare moment so I can keep in touch with the world and know I'm not alone.
I might write more later in an easier to read fashion. But for now I'm going to give it a break. This post was necessary though.
Until next time...