Friday, June 12, 2009

A small taste of normalcy

If I were to write about my day today, this blog would be a paragraph long. Honestly I woke up at noon, watched tv on my computer all day, ate, watched Remember the Titans (with my mom!) and now I'm laying in bed writing. My parents talked to me today...small fragmented sentences...but at least they're talking. So I suppose that was a step towards normalcy or some numbed version of it. I'm pleased and I hope the progress continues. I will tell you this, I had some of my wino wine this evening. It is DELICIOUS! It tastes just the way I remember grape juice but grape juice with 9.95% alcohol. My mother cut me off at one glass. Mainly because I sort of drank it like it was grape juice. But its a whole 3 liters, I don't want it to go bad! :P

I'm not an alcoholic. I'm an alcohol enthusiast. I love the way it tastes most of the time, the way the bottles are decorated, the stories behind the creation of a "smooth or unique taste to enjoy responsibly." I have all these big dreams about writing books, working for a newspaper, and saving the world. Honestly when it comes near my retirement, I want to open a bar. I'd call it M.A.'s place but everyone will be like "lets go to Ma's!" Granted, I might just be a Ma at that time. Ma's place is a diner kind of name. So I don't know what I'd call it. But it will be one of those bars where customers come in and I already know what they are going to ask for because they love my bar. The karaoke will be horrible, the food will be edible and the drinks will always be served right. This dream is for when I'm washed up and over the hill. My career aspiration is not to be a bar owner my whole life. Just saying.

I heard a country song yesterday called "you're gonna miss this." Throughout most of my life I have really looked forward to weekends. They meant that I'd be off from school. For normal people, it means they are off from work. These past few weeks have made me HATE the weekends. Why? Because jobs won't call me on the weekends and ask to interview me. Because all my friends aren't here and there is nothing to do on the Shore but go to Shuckers and get drunk and then try to find a way home. Which doesn't work for me since I live a good haul away from Shuckers and I am responsible. The weekends mean that the only outing I really have to look forward to is going to church on Sunday. I'll sleep in, stare at my computer screen, eat, stare at my computer screen, eat, watch a movie, stare at my computer screen, and go to bed. I'm still really lonely even though my parents are kind of talking to me and I have my computer back. I'm not pulling my hair out and crying like I did when my world fell apart awhile ago, but I am sad that there is NOTHING to do. I might cough up a few bucks and go to the state park for a bit to hike and swim. Alone. By myself. With my Ipod and a bottle of water. This is why I really want a job, to at least socialize with people and have daily interactions to look forward to. So that is why I hate the weekend. Yet deep down in my heart I know that "I'm gonna miss this." I'm gonna miss not having anything to do and no where to go. I'm going to miss sleeping in till noon and sitting on my ass all day. I just can't appreciate it right now.

I think the one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning, besides the urge to pee, is that I have approx 11 days until my Philly interview. OMG. My Greyhound tickets are taped to my mirror so I wake up and see possibilty every morning. How is that for inspirational.

Additionally I'm obsessed with the song "River Flows In You" by Yiruma. I've been listening to it on repeat on youtube. I LOVE IT. This song reminds me so much about my life even though it is instrumental. It reminds me of the infinite times I have loved and lost. The challenges I have risen to and the times I've been defeated. The old MA who never worried what people thought about her and the current MA who is terrified to offend someone. The dreams I dreamt and the dreams that have already been crushed by reality. Yes...I see all of this in one 3:14 min song. Listen to it and maybe you'll see part of your life in it.

I've been doing a lot of thinking because I have all the time in the world on my hands. I hate thinking. That is why I always busied myself if high school and college. I rarely had a spare moment and I liked it that way. I don't like contemplating on life that often because I dwell on the past and the things that are not meant to be. Than, I look on the past again and wish it back. Then I get depressed about the future. So many of my friends are already living their "real world" lives and I'm stuck in the nest trying desperatly to fly out even though my wings are still growing and I'd just fall out of the damn tree if I tried.

There are a handful of people I miss so much it kind of hurts, literally. Some are certain guys others are really close friends. I'll leave it at that. I do wonder if I'll ever be desirable or will I just end up a failure. Like, what if I peaked in high school/college? haha What if my success just goes downhill from there? What then?

Mirror Mirror on the wall. Whats the plan? Is there one at all?

At least I have the Greyhound tickets.

Until next time...

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