Thursday, June 4, 2009

Stormy Thursday Blues

Stormy Monday Blues is a song by Jethro Tull. I used to play it on my radio show all the time. Today I had the stormy Thursday blues. Honestly, I don't mind the weather. It kind of matches my mood. I wish I could say that things have turned around and I'm happy as a clam. I can't. I'm sorry.

Today I was supposed to go fishing with my parents and our neighbors. Fishing would have been a great change of pace. It rained. We couldn't go. We went Wal-Mart instead. That was fine, I got a skirt and some more bead stuff to make jewelry. I mean, what else am I going to do around the house when I don't have a functioning computer and my car is so screwed up I can't really go anywhere. We don't have cable. I read a lot.

Speaking of my computer it has, stage four computer cancer. I'm serious, there were about 17 viruses on it, three of which were security threats, several of which have hacked into my system so severely it won't even recognize the mouse in safe mode. I'm going to have to restore it to factory settings. This means that if I can't get my pictures transferred to my dad's computer...I will lose all my pictures from Nicaragua to graduation and everything in between. I'll lose final papers, final projects, and three important PowerPoint's. Yeah. Back to the beginning. So hopefully the files will transfer but it is not looking good.

My car...has car cancer. Its only stage 2. I need an EGR valve or something equally expensive. The only mechanic my dad trusts costs about $90 an hour in labor. The valve is about $90 or so. So this means $200 some odd dollars on a 9 year old car that might not even function after a year of no use while I'm volunteering in Philly. Can you see why I don't mind the cloudy days?

My mother wakes me up each morning by screaming at me. She won't just knock on the door and say "Hey sweetie, I think you should get out of bed now." No...she barges in and screams at me to get up in her angriest voice as if sleeping in is a very punishable crime. Then she is the food police, blocking my snacking with violence because I'm so fat and won't get up at 7am to walk 3 miles with her each morning. Then I get scrutinized for not keeping myself in the running for full time jobs which PAY. Then I get yelled at for something else. I loaf around the house, reading, counting the viruses on my computer or making hemp jewelery which my mother calls "junk" and questions why I make such crappy creations. They love me, they really do, they are just frustrated with me. Our relationship has always flourished with the help of distance. But, jobless and almost car less....I can't make distance happen.

I'm still doubtful, questioning and feeling abandoned. I know God is by my side. I have great friends who are going through great lengths to try to support me all the way on the Eastern Shore. Like I mentioned in my last post, I'm still transitioning from that wonderful secure support system at college with all the freedom to eat and drink as I please to now...being secure in a small shell with no one in close proximity to talk to. I have my parents but they wouldn't understand. They have their mindset and I have mine. They clash.

Tomorrow is another day. I suppose I'll try to get the car fixed. $200 of repairs is well worth getting rid of the panic attacks I get at every stoplight I can not avoid. I even shut my car off at a light one time to prevent it from cutting out on me. My computer will hopefully be restored tomorrow with pictures in tact and safe. Maybe a job will call......maybe. I'm trying not to lose hope. I keep reminding myself that this is just a test of strength and faith I suppose. My greyhound tickets are displayed proudly on my closet door reminding me that at the end of June I'll be on my way to Philly to see what this volunteer program is really all about.

I still can't help but feel a bitter sore spot regarding journalism. I know I can always come back to it...but its like I walked away and can't stop looking behind me. That dream will still be there.

Until next time...

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