Wednesday, June 10, 2009

When a perfect thing is broken

My mother doesn't have a drug problem. She rarely drinks. She has been married to my father for 26 years. She works hard, cooking and cleaning and making our house a home. She chose not to pursue a career but rather to stay at home and raise me. I'm not sure how much of a sacrifice this was when she made this decision because my mother isn't exactly a very open person. Yet it turned into a sacrifice throughout the past 22 years I think. She likes old movies and the actor Cary Grant. She doesn't like butter beans or peas but she'll force them down if she has too because my dad and I love them. She likes gardening and she has really sharp graphic design skills when it comes to the computer. She has given up a lot so I could have a million times more than she had. So has my dad.

My dad has never been violent towards me or my mother. He is a gentle and caring person with a great sense of humor. He likes to take on various hobbies and he pretty much excels in everything he does. He joined the Coast Guard and supports our family with his retirement paycheck now. He had to sacrifice having a normal life because he had to miss out on some holidays and birthdays. I have him all to myself now, without the military sending him to exotic lands. So why do I always seem to piss him off without even trying?

So explain to me why I have one of the worst relationships with my parents where only a large amount of distance and a daily phone call makes things peaceful. Sure, we all have run ins with our parents, but I really don't think I have a reason to have such a horrible relationship with mine.

At times they were a bit overbearing and overprotective. I mean, yeah that was out of love I guess. They don't understand how I've developed my ways of thinking and my own personal ideals. Then again I think they don't really try to either. They would never believe me but my worst fear is when my parents will die. I know that day will come...I hope it is in the very very distant future but I can't imagine it and I don't really want to. I kind of put them on immortal pedestals. Even with their daily aches and pains and the medication they have to take in order to not feel the hurt of aging...I still believe they will live forever.

But they won't which means I have to enjoy the time I have with them now. But I can't. All I want to do is move out and get on with my own life. If things work out with RMC there is a very good chance I'm going to move to Philly after my year of service and continue my work there. I'm really excited about this possible decision. I'm also scared I won't get accepted into RMC and my plans will be shattered. I'm sure they will find a way to rebuild again. I guess I'm trying to figure out the "master plan" if you will. Its like a big mystery and I'm collecting all the possible clues which could be my future. So yeah, if all works out in Philly I might just stay there.

Anyway its been almost a week and my parents still aren't talking to me. I mean they may say things like "thank you" or "where are you going?" But I don't watch movies with my mom after dinner anymore. I don't watch tv with my dad on his computer until the late hours of the night. I don't watch hunting videos with him as he coaches me on how to shoot for this upcoming season. My mother drove me to get my car yesterday and we sat in silence in the car. Tomorrow me and her are driving up to Delaware to take the ferry to Cape May, New Jersey to visit my grandmother. She's only taking me so my grandmother can see me because she misses me. This car ride is going to be one of the worst experiences of my life. I have my mother to myself for a whole three hours and instead of joking around and talking about fun things like we usually do when we go to New Jersey, we're going to sit in silence. She might express her feelings and become really upset, thus making me feel like shit or she might just embrace the stone cold silence. Its going to be painful. Really painful. Usually when we go to NJ I bond with her. She sometimes opens up to me about herself (she is a really private person). We'll joke and I can make her laugh at least 25 times throughout the day. That isn't going to happen tomorrow.

I've been acting like I don't give a shit about anything. I sleep in till 11 or noon, slowly get up and eat something and then lock myself in my cave of a room for the day. Sometimes I'll appear out of it to eat, use the bathroom or read outside. I try to spend as much time as I can in my room so I don't have to deal with the painful silence. The book I'm reading, "Theft" summed up the situation quite well. "in the meantime there developed one of those strange silences between friends that, like a torn shoulder muscle left unattended, grows hard and lumpy and finally locks into a compacted knot of injury that no amount of manipulation can undo." Yeah, that explains my relationship with my parents right now.

I'm not going to lie. I'm crying as I write this. I know it is gut wrenching and emotional but there is nothing I can do about it, about any of it. There is no solution to the problem at hand. I just have to count down to the days when I can go live my life. I want my family back. I don't want temporary fake happiness like there was on the fishing day. No. I want authenticity. I want my dad to jokingly call me stupid for lack of common sense and my mother to laugh because of something I said.

Thats all.

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