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Life is full of could have beens


I started today with a more optimistic attitude. I woke up and created a project to bide my time. I decided to fix my bike so I can at least ride it around for exercise/something to do. The poor thing needs a major cleaning job, air in the tires and a new pedal for the right side. My dad said he is going to junk it if I don't fix it soon. So I drove out to Roses to try to find a new pedal but did not have much luck. I drove down to Eastville just for fun and drove over a turtle on the highway. I drove OVER him I didn't run over him. There is a difference. I couldn't stop thinking about that turtle and ended up turning around from Eastville to try to see if the little guy was still trying to make it across the road. If he was I was going to pull over and help him across the road. Rt 13 is a very busy highway. Unfortunately, I couldn't find him. I think he either made it or was another roadway causality. I then made another U-turn and drove back home for a snack. Then I tried the north Roses and couldn't find a stupid bike pedal. I drove back home.

I did however make someone's day today. He doesn't ask for much and seemed really upset. I was home twice and both times he looked at me with those longing brown eyes of his. So I took my dog out for a one hour car ride, windows down. He loved it! I think I made his day. He kind of made my day too. I loved seeing his head out the window in my side view mirror. We drove on the back roads of the Shore. At one point we drove down this road that was really scenic but a dead end. He had a good time, I had a good time and now I have motivation to clean out my car. He sheds...alot. I have a furry backseat now but I really don't mind.

Today was a day of hope. I turned in my Fresh Pride application and ran into an old friend. She didn't have much time to talk to me but it was really nice to see her. The lady who took my application seemed pretty happy to see me. Win win situation. I also told the Eastern Shore News that I'd write for them for free if they let me. I made my ammends, I suppose. I told them I didn't want to lose my touch for journalism and will take any assignment no matter how time consuming or crappy. I got a good reply. The editor told me that if something came along he'd surely let me know. He told me they would pay me. He also asked the dates that I'd be here on the Shore. I know nothing will come along. They are really well staffed and I'm sure are suffering from the recession as well. I read somewhere that this is the worst shape the economy has been in both job wise and just economic wise since the Great Depression. So basically this is like a modern day Great Depression. I think I am going to make a waitress portfolio, complete with waitress experience information and my resume and just give it to every freakin restaurant manager on the Shore. And I might just buckle down and apply for a job with Hardees. I'd rather serve up roast beef than debone chickens at Purdue. I'm just saying.

Despite this hopeful outlook I found myself almost breaking down again today. I am, indeed, depressed about my life right now. I got on the whole selling out to corporate journalism thing in my head and realized I made that situation up in my head. I re read the e-mail and the editor simply said they already had a summer freelancer..which yes...if I listened to my mother and e-mailed the News months in advance I would have that freelancing job. I didn't sell out. I don't know why I thought I did. Besides...the large newspaper program was an educational program...it was meant to train me in daily press. I will shit a gold pony if that program offers me a spot at the end of the summer. They cancelled the fellowship because of the economy but they said if they change their mind they will let me know.

Looking back on that situation, I realize how I get when I think I've discovered my life plan. At one point I swore I'd get accepted into Teach for America. So I started talking about what I'd do if I were accepted. I didn't make it to the phone interview. They cut me at prelims. I'm fine with that. I don't think I'd make a good teacher anyway. Then I swore I'd get this Orlando fellowship. I knew I wasn't a minority but I hoped and prayed. I began envisioning my life in Orlando and looking up apartments just to see if I could afford it. Then the Sentinel smacked me in the face by not rejecting me, but cancelling their fellowship program all together. Then I started applying for every small newspaper position I could find on journalismjobs.com. I began envisioning my life in all the places I applied. Then I set my hopes on the DC friars volunteer program. I made plans about DC. Now all I can talk about is Philly. My plans if I get accepted there. It is one thing to be optimistic and dream about the future but it is another to be borderline obsessed with it. First of all I need to realize that A) I have not been accepted by RMC. I have an INTERVIEW. I am not a shoe in. If I was, they wouldn't go through the interview process and just give me a spot right then and there. Anything can go wrong between now and my interview. and B) I need to stop thinking I have it all figured out. Oh I'll volunteer here, move there, start my life there..etc. I mean, I have all the time in the world to envision my future...but I've learned from the past year that no matter how much I plan, my course will run off the map I've prepared.

Life is full of could have beens. I could have been enrolled in graduate school right now. I could have been a cop in Williamsburg. I could have a paycheck by now if I was sticking around for the appraisal position. I could be the summer freelancer for the News if I emailed Ted a lot sooner than I did because I'm a procrastinator. Additionally my friends have a lot of could have beens. One of my friends have changed a lot over the past few years. This person is becoming jaded by daily life and is losing the very things that make that person...a person. Don't get me wrong, they are still nice and friendly and human. But they've lost a part of themselves which I don't know if they will ever find again. Sadly, I really cherished that part of them. But I'm not them.

I'm searching for love in all the wrong places. Like my "Being in Love" post...I won't find love until I stop searching as hard as it may seem. I recycle my own feelings to give me something to hope for. That means I have feelings for the same people over and over again. That is kind of happening right now. Its because I'm lonely and bored and sad and want something to hope for other than my very uncertain future. This is called vulnerability. Vulnerability is bad.

Tomorrow morning I'm being forced to get up at 8am and weed our driveway. I'm stoked. Not. I suppose I should be grateful for something to do. I mean, it beats sitting in bed playing sniper games and waiting for the day to end. I really feel guilty about that..ya know...waiting for the day to end. Each day is a gift and you're supposed to live each day like it is your last. So why do I wake up each morning and count the hours till I can go to bed? That is pathetic.

Part of my interview with RMC is meeting with a psychologist. I really hope they don't identify some earth shattering mental instability which prevents me from getting a position with RMC. I think all this crap is just a test of wit and strength. Sure, my parents still tell me things will never get back to normal. Sure, my one friend already had a job and is on her way to getting a second. Sure my other friend is in freaking LA right now visiting a friend of his and I can't even afford a weekend trip to Williamsburg where a bunch of my friends are. Sure, I just sit and wait and hope I'll be employed before August.

I apologize for all you dedicated readers that feel like they are reading a train wreck of a novel. I'm just really sad right now and I can't snap out of it because I'm finding it hard to find the joy in things. I promise though, if I get a job soon or something, I'll be a much happier person. I'll have something to do, somewhere to go, I can establish some distance from my fam and I'll get a paycheck. See why I need a job so badly? So many things are riding on a job.

12 days. (its 11:14pm almost midnight right?) Hello Greyhound to Philadelphia to.....my future.

Until next time....

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